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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 8:40 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Since my original JFO topic reached the limit of 50 pages, I decided to continue with a new one here in general.

If you want to read the whole thread please do here

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/650103/my-wife-cheated-on-me-with-her-coworker-what-now/

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8653996
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merrmeade ( New Member #36180) posted at 9:12 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

True to your word, you started a new thread - but then, your word was not in question.

I imagine this will be a time of listening - mainly to yourself, I'd imagine - I hope. If it were me, I'd be walking all day, every day - thinking. I'd be making lists and throwing them away because the value of each list item changes all the time.

I think if you feel pressure to make a once-and-for-all decision because of the divorce timing, that should not be a reason for a decision. In fact, if you feel pressure for any reason, I'd say that decision you might second-guess later.

Another thing: The razor sharp clarity of posts on this site and the willingness of posters to take however long and however much space it takes to articulate a perspective is so amazing. Yet, I think we can develop a kind of relationship from the feelings of gratitude and begin to care about others' opinions. Well, I hope you don't. Just don't even go there. It's your flesh-and-blood life. No decision will be without its what ifs and sacrifices, but the one thing you don't need to worry about is what anyone anywhere thinks about it.

I have a question: The date the divorce is to be finalized - Is that set? Unmovable? Is your wife hoping you'll call it off?

There are so many possibilities it seems to me. You could have a period of time that you want to try a certain arrangement - full separation with shared custody or just the opposite: cohabitation with conditions and periodic review.

Aren't we all a work in progress?

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2012   ·   location: US
id 8654001
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 11:44 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hi Mr Flibble. First post on SI but have followed a previous thread on another place whilst Pottering About. Came on here to see what had happened with you and your wife.

Read your SI thread in full and am, to be honest, shocked by what has happened. What a difference a couple of months has made. Can’t believe she continued to lie about so much and how each truth actually made her betrayal even worse. Burner phones, visits to his house, exchange of photos and then, to cap it all, an earlier EA.

I always hoped, and advocated, you would reconcile. She came across to me as someone who was almost a Mills and Boon romance, caught up in an infatuation but the trickle truth shows so much more malice afore thought. She was an active participant in deception. She may have chickened out on the 2nd visit but that is irrelevant because the intention was there.

In all good conscience, I would no longer be able to advocate any reconciliation now. Sorry if this harsh but it may help to have a fresh set of eyes

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8654017
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 11:44 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hi Mr Flibble. First post on SI but have followed a previous thread on another place whilst Pottering About. Came on here to see what had happened with you and your wife.

Read your SI thread in full and am, to be honest, shocked by what has happened. What a difference a couple of months has made. Can’t believe she continued to lie about so much and how each truth actually made her betrayal even worse. Burner phones, visits to his house, exchange of photos and then, to cap it all, an earlier EA.

I always hoped, and advocated, you would reconcile. She came across to me as someone who was almost a Mills and Boon romance, caught up in an infatuation but the trickle truth shows so much more malice afore thought. She was an active participant in deception. She may have chickened out on the 2nd visit but that is irrelevant because the intention was there.

In all good conscience, I would no longer be able to advocate any reconciliation now. Sorry if this harsh but it may help to have a fresh set of eyes

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8654018
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 11:44 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hi Mr Flibble. First post on SI but have followed a previous thread on another place whilst Pottering About. Came on here to see what had happened with you and your wife.

Read your SI thread in full and am, to be honest, shocked by what has happened. What a difference a couple of months has made. Can’t believe she continued to lie about so much and how each truth actually made her betrayal even worse. Burner phones, visits to his house, exchange of photos and then, to cap it all, an earlier EA.

I always hoped, and advocated, you would reconcile. She came across to me as someone who was almost a Mills and Boon romance, caught up in an infatuation but the trickle truth shows so much more malice afore thought. She was an active participant in deception. She may have chickened out on the 2nd visit but that is irrelevant because the intention was there.

In all good conscience, I would no longer be able to advocate any reconciliation now. Sorry if this harsh but it may help to have a fresh set of eyes

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8654019
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 11:44 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hi Mr Flibble. First post on SI but have followed a previous thread on another place whilst Pottering About. Came on here to see what had happened with you and your wife.

Read your SI thread in full and am, to be honest, shocked by what has happened. What a difference a couple of months has made. Can’t believe she continued to lie about so much and how each truth actually made her betrayal even worse. Burner phones, visits to his house, exchange of photos and then, to cap it all, an earlier EA.

I always hoped, and advocated, you would reconcile. She came across to me as someone who was almost a Mills and Boon romance, caught up in an infatuation but the trickle truth shows so much more malice afore thought. She was an active participant in deception. She may have chickened out on the 2nd visit but that is irrelevant because the intention was there.

In all good conscience, I would no longer be able to advocate any reconciliation now. Sorry if this harsh but it may help to have a fresh set of eyes

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8654020
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

MrFlibble, as I've said before, this major decision about your life is yours to make. We can offer observations based on our own experiences and on what we've seen here on SI over the years. But it's your life and your shoes. The important thing for you is to determine what you want, what you see the next 2, 5 and 10 years of your life looking like.

Some say that what the WS says and how they act after DDay plays a huge role in the eventual outcome. Your WW TT'd a lot, denied a lot, destroyed evidence, admitted to more and more as time went on and finally even admitted to a previous affair. Some would say that most (or all) WSs do that. So what. It's very detrimental.

A huge negative to me is that your WW had a previous EA. Several years later she has another one that went PA and would have went farther had she not been caught. Past behaviour is a pretty good indication of future behaviour. A history of cheating indicates a higher likelihood of cheating again.

Your WW had an EA. It was good until he wanted more. But she didn't get caught. It was fun, thrilling even. So she does it again years later. It goes farther and would have gone even farther. It was fun, exciting, pushing the boundaries, etc. But she got caught. She learned about burner phones and other strategies.

Years from now, will there be another very tempting situation. Will she remember the thrill? Will she remember the tactics and improve on them? Has she been scared straight?

I just point this out. I don't know the answer. I don't walk in your shoes. I don't know your WW. These are your decisions to make. It's your life to live.

I wish you again clarity of thought.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4660   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8654030
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Waggingthedog ( Member #65793) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Dear Mr. Fibble,

Thank you for your kind words and sorry you are in this position.

In my profession – like many professions – I interact with people a lot. It’s very important for me to have an idea of “the truth” when I do what I do, mostly to protect the client. As a result, I focus heavily on actions and give short shift to words.

People lie to protect themselves. It’s a terrible thing, but they lie because they don’t want the consequences of their actions. There’s a saying (that I’m probably butchering) but it goes something like “it’s not the lie that gets you, it’s the cover-up.” And, yet, people still lie in the face of inescapable evidence.

To do this is human. To do this is instinctual. To do this hurts others, but it is something hardwired into us – at least on some level.

The first thing you need before you make a decision as monumental as the one you’re making is an idea of “the truth.” It is just now – days ago – where you got that. Because of the speed of the divorce process you’re forced into making a decision where – and forgive me if I am wrong – I don’t feel you have enough time to build the knowledge of “the truth” into your process.

Some life altering decisions get forced on us with very little time to make a call – such as medical and some employment decisions.

This is one of those decisions. It’s a huge one. You have two roads where your life could take wildly different courses.

On the one hand, you might be able to salvage something with your WW with a huge amount of effort. You might be able to keep the home together. You might be able to maintain this life, now with some tics and problems – but you might be able to do that.

On the other hand, divorce is no joke. The money can sometimes be a factor (does not appear to be here), but it is the intangibles that often make it a hard road. What do I mean by that? First, there are the kids. You will have to navigate the kid’s lives being in upheaval, likely for the next year at least. You will have to deal with shared schedules, activities, summer camps and some nights with a lot of tears. (I’ve been there.). The effect on the kids is not minor. Most come out OK in the long run, but it is a trauma for them. Now, clearly, you didn’t start the process or make this decision in a vacuum. This trauma would be the result of her actions. I am not saying that you bear some moral responsibility in this, but it is real.

Another part of how divorce is real is that it impacts you. This person – your WW – has been part of your life for a long, long time. She’s been part of your daily existence for what appears to be the majority of your adult life. The marriage looks to have been pretty decent prior to her stupidity.

What does this part – the part where you say goodbye to someone that has spent that kind of time in your life - look like in practice if the divorce goes through? I don’t want to sugarcoat it. I also don’t want to put too much of my experience in this.

There are nights you wake up wondering where they are. There are evenings where you think you hear them sometimes, but it’s only a trick your mind plays. There are dates with other women where they like you, but you have this void where she used to be that you don’t want anyone else to fill. There are days where you have the kids, but might need to run an errand, and you have to find someone else to watch them instead of just having her cover.

Your children will have major life events – graduations, marriages, grandkids, parties, holidays… the whole lifetime. With divorce comes something awkward here. You will want to go to these events and you will be expected to act friendly. If you divorce, then it is likely your WW will find someone else and you probably will too and then you have to coordinate those events so mother and father can both attend. You’ll have to act friendly. And, likely, because of the length of this, you’ll probably have this thought of “what if” in the back of your mind frequently.

Again, divorce is no joke.

The feeling you should have if you are getting a divorce is one of relief. You should feel slightly giddy at the possibilities after this. You should feel confident in your decision. You should be able to add up those negatives above and the result of the math should always be in favor of getting a divorce. (If there was a toxic environment then I would say that you need to find the courage to divorce because it is killing you, but that does not seem to be the case here, yet.)

Based on your thread – whatever your decision – I think you probably want more time to make it. If the divorce goes through in the next two weeks then I think you will also have to deal a lot with the “did I make the right call” question. And that one eats at you worse.

It is better to be comfortable with your decision than it is to live with regret for making a hasty one. I am not calling your decision hasty – it may very well be what you actually want. I am saying that it doesn’t seem that you’re entirely comfortable with it yet.

I’m going to put some more of my own story in here for context, but please understand that I do this being a different person from you and that I might make different decisions.

I was very “in love” with my now exww, even while it was abundantly clear – for years – that she no longer felt that way about me and might not have the majority of our longer marriage. I found out in 2018. At first, it was two one year long LTAs. I did the math, and on the balance, I thought there was something worth saving.

I had four terms – and they were large. I wanted her to drop the other man. I wanted a post-nuptial agreement that was fair to both of us because I didn’t want a divorce battle. I wanted a polygraph test because the truth was extremely important to me. And I wanted a sign that she was invested in her partnership with me, as opposed to her investment in keeping the marriage for appearances. She agreed to these terms in the aftermath.

Well, two LTAs for a year each eventually became something closer to five years in the months that followed and TT happened. I still kept on, even with that information. I got the post nuptial agreement and the “sign” that she was invested in her relationship with me.

Six months later, I was reeling. I was at my lowest point. I would have rather been dead. It was at this time that she let slip something that showed me she was still in contact with the OM. And then, the morning after that slip, she told me that she would not take the polygraph test. That afternoon, the OM contacted me to meet up and tell me that they had not been in contact. It was then – six months later – that I knew I was being played by both of them and decided to go for a divorce.

And, yet, a part of me still held onto hope even then that something would break. I sincerely did not want to divorce – for whatever reason. Every friend and family member I had knew it was killing me and that it would never work, but it needed to be MY decision.

I filed. And it went through.

In the aftermath, I saw my exww go back to her OM, then onto a new guy months later.

The certainty that I had in my decision was that my exww did not “love” me and had not “loved” me, probably since the inception of our marriage. I wasn’t the guy she wanted, I was the guy that was there to “save” her.

I say what I say here not to influence your decision but more to give you an idea that even in the clearest cases where divorce is the only way to proceed, that it can still be a difficult decision. I would be lying if I told you that it is not difficult and that something in me still would like my life to be easier – but I know, with a certainty, that my exww did not care about me. And that makes the decision one that I had to make, not one that I could ignore.

In short, after a year of hell emotionally, I was comfortable with a decision that I knew had to be made. She simply didn’t care about me and nothing that I could do would force her to have feelings for me again. You can never force a person to love you.

I can’t say that I am “ok” completely even years later. There’s still a huge hole in me. I have extreme trust issues. I have problems being open and having fun. There are days I feel like a ghost. And this is years later.

I think, often, we get into these thought loops of “this is what you do when this happens.” It’s a knee jerk reaction. I think you are decisive and I think you think you know what you want. You are probably very decisive in your normal life and this seems like something that you can do. Maybe you’re extremely good in stressful situations.

But you’re also, probably, in shock, even months later. I think for months you have harbored the idea that she slept with the OM. I think you now have enough proof to believe that she is telling the truth. And she did this without you forcing her to do it. She may have been lying about some things. To lie is human and to preserve. But taking the polygraph test – even when divorce is two weeks off. Doing that when it was all going to end in her mind anyway – just so you know… I think in part its to stop the divorce, but I also think there’s a part of her that wants you to know how much she values you. She screwed up, sure, but she wants you to know with certainty your red line wasn’t crossed. That’s a kindness no matter how this ends.

And, it may end. You may be OK with your decision. I don’t think you’re there, but I don’t know you as a person – I only know your words on the internet. What comes through to me is that you want to make a decision and you think this is the right one, but there is something holding you back from doing it. Your heart may not want to do it. And that’s OK.

The big thing that I would do is see if you have pause this process a little bit until you become comfortable. See what she becomes. See what you become. If the relationship becomes toxic then you can leave it knowing that you tried. (That feeling is huge).

Evaluate what is happening now and work on you. The question you should be asking yourself, the ONLY question, is “is this relationship acceptable to me?” “Am I getting what I need on an weekly basis?”

I worry what will happen – if you don’t give yourself some more time here – is that you will be down the road a few years and wonder “what if?” It’s the doubt that haunts you more than anything. With you still being in shock, two weeks before this is final, and with only now being sure of the truth… I don’t think any human being could figure out how you will feel down the line.

And, frankly, she could cheat again and you could leave then. You could get with someone else that cheats on you too. Life is uncertain. There are no guaranteed outcomes, save two.

There is only one goal here – to get out of infidelity. I think you’re out. You’re still in shock and only now know the truth, so it might take some time to figure out where you want to go. THAT’S OK. Evaluate. Think. Feel. Roll this around in your head a bunch until you feel grade A, 100% certain that this is the course that you want to walk, and then start walking. There’s no map for either path, but there are some certainties on what you will encounter on either.

Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need. Be sure. Then, do what is the best option for you. So long as your assets are secured and you’re safe – there is no harm in taking a rest now, letting the stress drop, and really thinking.

I’ll leave it with this analogy since this has become more a novel than a post.

You start running, scared, down one path through the forest when this hits you. You run as fast as you can. Thorns and barbs whip you as you go. You come across a fork where two paths diverge. For some of us, it’s clearly toxic and we have no choice but to run down one path. For others, it’s a marathon to run to even get here. You’re here. You have two paths. You’re exhausted, panting and in pain, but, you can take a seat, drink some water, and so long as you’re safe, you can ponder which path you want to go down. You now have a choice and some breathing room.

Again, only so long as you’re safe (custody and assets clearly legally delineated and sorted out), you can take a seat, catch a breath, and figure out where you want to go. Take all the time you need.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2018
id 8654031
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:01 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

I don’t know if you’ve addressed this before but have you read:

-how to help your spouse heal from your affair

-no more mr. nice guy

-the way of the superior man

-cheating in a nutshell

-not just friends

These are all very short books (most can each be read in an afternoon) that provide clarity of thought.

You can read yourself into paralysis by analysis but these core books make many things much more clear.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8654047
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Perhaps a good exercise for you, MrFlibble, would be to summarize, briefly, where you've been, where you are, where you want to go, and where you think you're going.

You're asking a lot in pointing people to a 50 page thread, much of which is no longer relevant.

For the record, I see a mismatch between your actions and what you want. You won't get much peace until you act to get what you want and want what your actions are designed to obtain.

*****

Also, I don't think the point of recovery is to 'get out of infidelity.' That's only the first step. The real goal of recovery, IMO, is to thrive after and in spite of being betrayed.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8654061
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 4:14 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

You won't get much peace until you act to get what you want and want what your actions are designed to obtain.

This!

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8654063
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Txquail ( Member #62946) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Mr. Fibble,

I've read your story from the get go. A lot of what you went through reminded me of what I went through when I was a lot younger.

I found that my ex-wife was having an affair. I filed for divorce. She broke all contact with her AP and tried to get me to stay. However I got ahold of her emails and read what she said about me. In one portion, she basically wished that I would die so she and her AP could be together. Topped with the fact she was having sex with the guy was enough for me to kick her out, get the divorce and move away from her, never to talk to her again.

It was a lot more difficult than it may sound. My Ex-W called me relentlessly. She promised me the world on how she would change and devote herself to me. I reminded her she lied to me for months about the affair, so how could I trust her word now. Months of lying equated she would not tell me the truth. I guess that message finally got to her and she left me alone.

Your story is a bit different than mine. Sounds like she truly regrets what she has done. You've put her thru hell and she knows that if she crosses you that you'll leave her. She has willing taken a polygraph which I am shocked she pretty much has passed.

Again reading your story, I know how you are feeling. Your decision is ultimately up to you. I'm just a stranger on the internet that you don't know, so my advice is just one persons opinion.

If you choose to stay, I'd recommend that you set some boundaries.

1. She is not allowed to have any male friends anymore. She's proven twice that she takes their friendship way too far. If she balks at this, tell her she has a choice, male friends or you. She gets to forfeit one. She either gets to have male friends without you in her life, or she can have you in her life without any male friends. No exceptions.

2. I'd highly recommend a post-nup. If you divorce in the future because of her going outside your marriage in either a EA/PA OR Due to her past TWO affairs, she has no claims to any of your assets. Also include a provision that she will grant you full custody of the children. This will do two things for you. It will tell you if she's truly remorseful. She knows you can take this post-nup and divorce her tomorrow and she loses everything. It also will show you if she signs it, she realizes how you mean to her and she will dedicate herself to you. She will always know in the back of her head, if she talks to another man inappropriately, she loses everything.. Financially and family.

3. She is no longer allowed to password protect anything from you. If it has a password, she has to give it to you. She also is not allowed to have any "secret" electronic devices. Any violation of this equates to cheating (Tell her that).

4. If she had any friends that helped her in this affair, she needs to end all relations to those friends.

5. She accepts that you can make her take a polygraph anytime you wish in the future. If she balks at this, remind her of the two emotional affairs (One part physical) that she lied to you about. You want this as a safety net.

6. Her phone must have the location activated and you are allowed to install apps to see her location anytime.

I'd also tell her she needs to prove she is dedicated to you and prove that you are her top priority. You still have the option of going thru the divorce based upon the first two affairs at anytime.

The conditions I outlined might sound harsh, but her stepping outside the marriage was unacceptable. I view it as you need a safety net and a guarantee she'll never do anything of the sort again in the future.

OR you can just chose to divorce her now and move on...

However by the ton of your posts, I get that theres a part of you wanting to stay. You just want to be safe if you do.

I get it... I feel for you man.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8654081
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hi, sorry, got caught short on my last post. I was trying to summarise how I saw matters had developed since seeing your last post in a different place and the difference in how your wife had been. Man, I was really hopeful for you two and it is a kick in the teeth.

One or two telling comments involve ongoing trust and where you would be in 5 years time if you reconciled. Do you want to be triggered every time she goes to work?

I really can not see what your wife was getting out of any of this. Did she have some fairy tale notion of “romance” or “true love”? She knew both EA’s were wrong, evidenced I would suggest by her historic views of the behaviours she would not tolerate if you were doing the same as her. Can you trust her not to do this again and have her rationalise it all as friendship?

Of course, you are the only one who can decide the path you take. Previously, divorce and then date (?) seemed a good option. You rightly decided to take your time deciding.

I do think you are right to carry on with your divorce despite the recent set backs and bad news re FIL. It was always your intention, it had been in progress for a long time and your WW has been aware of progress. I do not think you are being callous in this. In some ways, stopping the divorce could only prolong the agony.

As for all the talk of other women, history has shown you are a man of principle and I would just ignore it.

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8654082
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 6:32 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

I have not read up on your story. I second the idea of you sharing updated/pertinent info.

In the meantime, I wrote this and it may or may not pertain to what you are going through. I hope it helps.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653366/the-journey-to-acceptance/

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8654103
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

If you move forward as Txquail has suggested, and you decide to give it a go with a very specific set of rules in place for your wife, the breach of which would constitute cheating, then as I stated late in your original thread, these rules should not apply to you because you are not a cheater.

For example, if she must have location tracking always on, you do not. If she cannot have "male friends", you have already proven you can be friendly to the opposite sex without cheating, so this does not apply to you.

One provisions that I don't think would ever fly is agreeing to full custody for you, if have to divorce her. I don't think it is right and I am pretty sure a judge would never go for this, rightfully so.

***

Having said that, living as a marriage cop is a horrible, draining lifestyle. And on top of that, once you let her know "the rules", they are pretty easy to get around unless you lock her up.

Phones can be left in a spot while somebody travels somewhere else, secret accounts can be made, burners can be bought, and so on.

One thing you can be sure of, is if your wife decides to cheat again, she'll be much better at it.

My advice: If you decide to go the route of continuing the marriage, I would actually not give her all these restrictions like they are a "sentence" she must serve, I mean for goodness sake, she should know right from wrong!

I might mention them, but not get into the "enforcement" aspect. But I would also remain vigilant and keep tabs on her in secret.

By the way, this is also soul-crushing.

***

Waggingthedog paints a very compelling picture of the hurt of divorce. He also painted a very compelling picture of the absolute psychological injury of staying with an unrepentant cheater.

Your situation is hopefully not as extreme as Waggingthedog's, but the psychological trauma of living with and trying to make a go of it with someone who has happily deceived, cheated on, and disrespected you is very real too.

Yes, your wife's lying after getting caught was due to self-preservation, but it was only made necessary by her prior disloyalty, that spanned a significant period of the time of your married life.

***

I'll be honest, once a relationship has "gone physical" I am pretty much a "get a divorce" guy. Your case has always had enough gray area to make the choice very difficult and less clear. (It's always difficult actually).

I guess in many ways, you need to think over how much you are prepared to handle psychologically going forward. Are you prepared to start to feel safe and then potentially get kicked in the teeth again? Get your heart broken again? Learn "more"?

On the flip side, can you handle the "emptiness" of divorce? The "hole" in your life? Are you ready to face the distress to your children?

It's a fucking shit show dude.

I am of the opinion that a divorce with the possibility of re-union is a legitimate, if less common path. I've seen it in real life and on these boards.

We've given you plenty of input. Stay vigilant, and you do you.

Good luck brother.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8654107
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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

The problem is that you will end up having to police your wife for the rest of your life!

Some say she passed the test - I could equally say it was almost stage managed by her.

I think you know deep down that you still haven't got the whole truth and maybe a second (carefully worded) poly may help. I am assuming the poly was conducted in your native language and the nature of these things is it is all about nuances in the questions. So it may not be as black and white as some of us here are assuming. German and Dutch should be pretty cut and dry but I am not sure about the Slavic languages (you say you are from central Europe).

So when you say we can guess what happened, I am assuming that you had sex with her and this means that you are still not thinking with the right head.

Maybe you need some time apart to really decided what you need (not want) to do.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8654108
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Hello, I read your other post (took a while to get through it all). I am sorry that you are still confused about what you want, or need, to do.

Another person suggested that you take time apart to get a better picture of what has happened and I think that would be a good idea. Step away from the marriage and really look into everything that has happened since the beginning.

Maybe do a legal separation instead of a divorce?

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8654114
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 8:19 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

Don't bother with providing updated/pertinent information in this thread. The thread in JFO is there. It's 50 pages long. The Coles Notes version would be long. All that history can be read in JFO for those that want to read it.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4660   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8654125
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 8:58 AM on Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

Thank you all for your great insight. The hearing is in a week, and if I (we) want to cancel it we need to do it this week. The process is quite simple actually, but since it's a joint petition we both need to sign. I have contacted my IC and I have a session tomorrow, don't know what I expect from it but it won't make anything worse I guess.

I have been thinking a lot about a future, how will my life look in 5 years if I decide to D or R. Will she do it again? Will I let the resentment build and grow until I will hate her guts? That's what I am afraid of, that we will just go on with our lives like it didn't happen, we will end up where we were (her unhappy, me not aware of it) and you know the rest.

But if we will go the R route, I have no desire to play a marriage police, follow her every move, every text she sends. If she wants to cheat, she will find a way. It's scary how easy it is. I just hope I got better at reading a red flags

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8654258
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 1:23 PM on Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I just hope I got better at reading a red flags

You do get better at this for sure. But your WS will also get better at hiding it. You are both learning.

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8654276
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