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What was sex like with your WS

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 2:03 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

BraveSirRobin,

You and your BH are still working through things from decades ago. My wife's affair occurred two years ago and I have only been posting on this site a couple of months. Spare me your sanctimony.

BTW- It is common for BS to have mind movies and insecurities caused by the affair two years post Dday. Ask your husband.

[This message edited by Username123 at 8:06 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 2:08 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Lol! Your suggestion that someone be banned from here.....lmmfao!

Pot, meet kettle

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 2:31 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

It's evident that you aren't here to make progress on yourself or your marriage. You're searching for some kind of catharsis by reading about traumatized people's sexual insecurities. I can't tell if it's a painful release like cutting, or a fetishistic release where you get off on it, but whatever it is, you've mined this community for all you're going to get.

It's one thing for members to painfully dissect our own sex lives in the belief that it will help you heal and move forward. We now know that isn't the case. You post to feed your dark, ruminative fantasies, and you get increasingly belligerent as fewer people agree to play ball. It's become invasive and inappropriate. We aren't your misery porn.

This. Every bit of this. This is exactly what I've been feeling every time he starts a new thread.

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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 2:33 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

I have only been posting on this site a couple of months.

Under your current username,yes.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 2:47 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021



You post to feed your dark, ruminative fantasies, and you get increasingly belligerent as fewer people agree to play ball. It's become invasive and inappropriate. We aren't your misery porn.


This. Every bit of this. This is exactly what I've been feeling every time he starts a new thread.


A great observation, folks. Being a relatively new forum member, I wouldn't have dared post it myself :-)

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 2:58 PM, Sunday, April 11th]

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DIFM ( Member #1703) posted at 3:03 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Is she most likely lying about her opinion of our sex life just before and during her affair?

I'm going to say, yes. I know nothing about her, or you or even your history, to form any sort of reasonable or objective opinion. Still, based on no knowledge of anything that would matter, I will say yes. You have your answer. I hope it helped.

And, yes, mind movies are a terrible thing for almost everyone that has been cheated on. You have much company in this phenomenon. I hope the knowledge that you are far from alone in this, too, is helpful.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8649658
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WalkingHome ( Member #72857) posted at 3:09 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Funny how this same basic question was asked my Milwaukee Mike...and Sweetcreampie...and on and on...

At some point, this isn’t a legitimate attempt at help, it’s cuck porn voyeurism.

Anybody on an infidelity forum asking about people’s wives having sex with OM...and using a name like “sweet cream pie”...is a cuck troll.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

OP,

Whether your wife liked having sex more with her affair partner than with you is actually irrelevant.

If/when SHE decides what kind of life she wants to live in, you will remain in limbo.

Why?

Because your desire to be married to a woman who doesn’t cheat doesn’t coincide with her desire to play outside your relationship.

She puts her wants over the relationship.

I get it, believe me. I do.

Gently, please seek the help of a good Therapist to help you move off the island you are trapped on.

It’s preventing you from processing your grief in the death of your marriage

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8649670
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

And, yes, mind movies are a terrible thing for almost everyone that has been cheated on. You have much company in this phenomenon. I hope the knowledge that you are far from alone in this, too, is helpful.

DIFM, thank you for bringing the thread back to the original topic. Honestly, this is one of the very few threads on SI where I have felt very little compassion. Where a legitimate cry for help got twisted and turned into something else altogether.

Username has mind movies about his wife’s infidelity. He doesn’t seem to come to terms with it. He is tortured by thoughts of her having sex with another man. He feels insecure about sex with his wife, in case it doesn’t compare favourably to sex with AP. This somehow becomes voyeurism, using us for sexual validation, a deep inferiority complex. Now, all of this may very well be true. But let me remind you that we are not here to judge, or point the finger. We are not here to find deeply disturbing hidden motives. We are certainly not here to character assassinate. We are here to help and counsel genuinely distressed BS’s in a non judgemental way.

I fear we have missed the mark on this occasion.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 4:00 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Absolutely agree Karmafan

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8649673
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:39 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Scadeunga may have identified 2 possible outcomes, but he is flat out wrong in identifying only 2 possible scenarios.

OTOH, he's clearly right in pointing out that your problem is not your W. Your problem is that you aren't accepting your insecurities as yours, and no one else's.

I don't know if you're stuck or if this trail of threads on the same subject is just something you ave to do to clear away the crap in your head that's keeping you from dealing with your insecurities.

The mods so far have treated you as an individual, not as an a reincarnation of a previous poster. That means: as long as you post within guidelines, you can post.

Attacking a member who posts something you don't like is a guideline violation.

Also, note that you may want to attack a poster because that poster has hit home. So I recommend reading scadeunga's posts.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 5:11 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Scadeunga may have identified 2 possible outcomes, but he is flat out wrong in identifying only 2 possible scenarios.


I think anyone could have identified a few more scenarios, but that would have required a lot of reading into a situation that we know next to nothing about. Playing Sherlock Holmes gets old pretty quickly. Besides, I know I already went out on a limb writing what I posted.

I don't know about others, but I feel like a GP trying to diagnose a patient who keeps coming to their office, yet refuses to give any insight into their situation and only mentions one symptom which can be interpreted in any number of ways.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 5:22 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

I think that whether you are or are not the previous poster is not really the issue. The issue is that the previous poster was obsessed with the same triggery sexual comparison topic, posted multiple threads rephrasing the same question and no other question, never seemed to make any changes or progress to find peace with this question, and then got angry and aggressive when we pointed it out.

Why do you keep all details of your situation to yourself, Username? Is it because there is no situation and you are just pressing our buttons? It feels that way.

Why do you only ask about the sex and insist that you are inadequate no matter what? Are you leaning on us for an ego fix? Is this a cuck fantasy like the others are saying?

Why do you start multiple threads on this subject and seem to make no progress? No matter what anyone says or offers? Members have spent hours trying to help you, but we're the assholes for questioning your intentions?

Why are no other issues about the A ever a concern? Kids? Family members? Remorse? Rebuilding? Trust? Friendships? Your situation feels so imbalanced compared to the thousands of members who post here, lending itself to the idea that you are here for a cuckold fantasy. Recovery is so multifaceted. Where is that?

When we offer solutions rather than tell stories or build you up (IC, divorce) why do you say we're not helpful? Are you only here to drag us through our pain? It almost feels like what an angry and vindictive AP would do, drag BS through their painful stories and force them to address whether the AP was sexually better. I could see a former AP really getting off on this.

At what point does asking the same painful question abuse the kind members and indicate a poster's problem, not an infidelity problem? Have you crossed that line?

Some things for you to think about. I will bow out of your threads. They are too triggery and painful for so many reasons.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:25 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 5:47 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Username123 have you tried medication for the obsessive thoughts? I had obsessive thoughts except they weren’t the sex STBX had with his AP’s it always revolved around why he would do it.

I think you need to accept that she did enjoy sex with both of you. I don’t think she will ever admit to it being better with AP. You will have to accept and just go with an answer so that you can start focusing on your healing. I don’t know how many A’s my STBX really had I had to come to a conclusion that I will never know and it was probably a lot and most likely happened throughout the whole M. It is very painful but at some point you have to focus on yourself. Your WS be damned.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:51 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 5:54 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Serious post here...

If you would just listen to the people here, you really could learn and even heal.

I showed up here...idk...5 years ago? While I was living a very happy life with my real wife, inside, I was still in pain from ALL OF THE FUCKING CHEATING I had been through in my life (read my story).

A part of me expected my real wife to cheat, even though I had zero reason to think that.

An even bigger part of me abso-fucking-lutely HATED cheaters.

Therapy hadn't really helped with either issue.

Within a couple years being here, my 3 "best SI friends" were WWs. I remember the day i realized this...i couldn't figure out how that happened and I was a little annoyed at myself that it did. It wasn't like I chose them and set out to be tight with them. It just kind of happened inexplicably.

I thought I was betraying myself by being friends with them. But then it hit me that I liked them. I mean, I dont know them IRL, but I feel that ppl show their real selves in a place like this, and I liked their real selves. On that same day I alsi realized I no longer had any fear that my real wife would cheat.

My point is....if my stubborn, (former) wayward despising ass can learn and heal here at SI, anyone can.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:56 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 9:02 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Username123 will not be returning to this thread.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8649717
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