SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of us, but as I near the anniversary of my last DDay in April 2018, I've really been able to see clearly how emotionally abused I was during what I now consider exit betrayals by my former spouse.

He wasn't happy with me, but it's because he never really loved me the way I loved HIM. There was never going to be any white picket fence ending in our marriage, and I spent all of it trying to pound a round peg into a square hole. He only ever valued me for my physical appearance, because sexual attraction was the only thing that bonded him to me. Once that went for him, there was nothing keeping him loyal.

Deep down, I knew he didn't love me from the way he yelled at me, demeaned me, and criticized me. He had a short temper with me over the smallest things. Looking back, it was so glaringly obvious that he didn't want to be with me, but just didn't have the nerve right away to say so. And he hated being alone, so he waited to break my heart and used me for security and sex and companionship until he had an OW waiting in the wings.

One of the things he cited in leaving me - while denying he had just met an OW and wanted to pursue a relationship with her - was my prednisone-related weight gain of 20-plus pounds. I have since lost that weight and more, and kept it off, but that is not relevant except to underscore that he felt entitled to a woman who looked a certain way, and bragged about how HE could take weight off at the drop of a hat if he ever needed to.

It's infuriating to me that I loved and invested in such a superficial asshole, for decades of my life. And one who didn't even have the balls to admit to anyone but ME how he felt about my weight, because he knew it was a shitty reason to give for leaving someone, even if it wasn't the true reason.

I hope YOU know that your SO's cheating has nothing to do with your appearance, your income, your job, your personality, or anything else to do with you. They are broken people, and if they truly DO devalue you based on your appearance, then they truly DON'T love you or deserve a seat at your table.

Please don't waste as much of YOUR life as I did trying to live up to a SO's vision of perfection. You will never be able to, and again - it's on THEM, not you. Looking back, there are so many times where I wish I had found my self-respect.

Three years on, I moved 2,500 miles away, and most of my belongings are still in our home - including clothes, photos, my jewelry, gifts from my parents. I just can't go back to where he is, and I know that he has wondered how I've managed to go NC all this time, and NOT use the retrieval of my things as a way to see him again. I feel as though sacrificing my personal belongings is necessary for my own emotional wellbeing, and it is a small way of demonstrating to him and to ME that I'm done begging him to love and value me.

Don't let any cheater make you feel LESS than.

It's so true I find it amazing the "excuses" that can be lobbed right away.

My father left my mother because of her "weight gain". He married his (25 year younger AP) and guess who is as big as can be now? His wife (former AP). He is (and was at the time he left my mom) pretty big himself.

I had lost 70+ pounds before WH started his A. During the last 6 months of his A, I gained back 15 pounds. He had the gall to throw that in my face. I still have the f'ing notes where I looked at my daily weight logs and showed him that my weight was not an excuse for him... and then I saw the FAT COW he was cheating on me with. What a JERK.

It's not about how you look, it's about how selfish they are.

Cheating is always wrong...full stop.

Regarding weight- There is some truth to loss of attraction from weight gain and appearance. I know it will attract a whole lot of hate...but it's true.

Some people are just plain visual. They need an attractive partner/spouse. For them, their partner's effort on the physical side is directly tied to that partner's perceived investment in the relationship...IE they let themselves go because they don't really care about themselves, us, or the marriage.

Some people view a sloppy fat physical appearance as a clear sign of a person with weak impulse control, a lack of self discipline, and a strong lazy streak.

That's just not attractive to some people. I have seen this play out multiple times...one partner is an avid athlete...the other is a couch potato...ends badly because the athlete looks at the couch potato as lazy, unmotivated, and soft...loses attraction.

Attraction is a topic that a LOT of people would do well to explore and address. It is work to stay attractive and something that requires regular effort. There is no finish line to cross...it is a never ending marathon.

None of this justifies cheating...and the OP's spouse sounds like a dirtbag.

Don't let any cheater make you feel LESS than.

An even better way to rephrase this, is don't let ANYONE make you feel LESS than.

I wish that we had this ingrained into our beings PRIOR to any infidelities by our partners. Hell---if it was an emotionally abusive relationship, we may have been gone before our partner had a chance to cheat with someone else. But, unfortunately, this is often not the case.

Many many betrayed spouses emerge from infidelity hardened from the experience. It takes time, but often enough, we learn NOT to accept poor boundaries, and less-than behavior. If we only had that resolve early on in the relationship, we may have either (1) 'taught' the potential abuser that their antics will not fly, or (2) would have left the relationship before any abuse ramped up. It is never that clear to see the abuse happening to you, but if those hardened boundaries were in place, it would never gotten very far.

I agree with WalkingHome. Cheating is always wrong for any reason. As a separate point, you can’t negotiate attraction. It’s not fair to say that a person “has to” accept with a smile on their face any and all change their partner makes, whether it be appearance, money management decisions, career changes, or whatever. People have the right to their own feelings and opinions. Again, I’m not saying it justifies cheating—I’m putting it out there as a separate issue, one of compatibility.

you can’t negotiate attraction. It’s not fair to say that a person “has to” accept with a smile on their face any and all change their partner makes, whether it be appearance, money management decisions, career changes, or whatever.

I totally agree. It's in how we choose to accept or not accept that shows our character.

^^ Totally. It’s why I wanted to make sure to emphasize that I’m not saying cheating or other abuse is an acceptable response.

I'm going to kind of talk out of both sides of my mouth on this one. I'm saying this as someone who needs to lose a good 30 lb, and I'm working on it, but I do think that it is undeniable that weight will play a role in attraction for most people.

HOWEVER. A 20 pound weight gain? I don't really think that's that much. I've heard that when you're losing weight, 20 lb is about where people start to notice that you've lost weight. So if you gain that from medication? It really doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

I think a lot of this is just excuses on the part of the wayward. And for women, calling us fat is about the easiest way to shut us down and make us feel unattractive. It's just honestly lazy blame shifting.

My ex cheated on me while I was on MATERNITY LEAVE and told me he did it because of my stretch marks. Seriously. I was still bleeding from giving birth to his son.

He also disparaged my weight continuously until he moved out. At which time he started complimenting me and low-key trying to hoover. His fiancee (not an OW) now? She's at least the same size as me, maybe a bit bigger. So I don't really buy his shit about my weight being such an issue.

Honestly NorCal I think your ex is just full of shit and used a lazy excuse to try to justify his nonsense. AND even if he did lose attraction or whatever, that isn't a reason to cheat.

I always find that disgusting. Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime. In a lifetime, our bodies will change. If you truly love your partner for who they are, then I think that appearance should be way down on that list.

Someone changing things about their personality is a lot more of an issue than their appearance. I think people who make judgments based on appearance find all sorts of ways to justify it but it's really shallow. More like, look at me I can get a hot partner.

My ex husband used to push me to lose weight. And I did, quite a bit. But I frankly did not want to look bikini slim. I don't want to be around the kind of people who are only interested in hanging out with me if they find me attractive. I want to spend time with people who like ME, not the wrapping.

I find that keeping on a little extra weight keeps the creeps away and I'm much, much happier knowing that people like me for who I am.

I don't need or want that validation from others that I'm attractive because of my body. I am SO MUCH MORE than that, and those people who judge only on looks? They'll never understand that.

Some people are just plain visual. They need an attractive partner/spouse. For them, their partner's effort on the physical side is directly tied to that partner's perceived investment in the relationship...IE they let themselves go because they don't really care about themselves, us, or the marriage.

Some people view a sloppy fat physical appearance as a clear sign of a person with weak impulse control, a lack of self discipline, and a strong lazy streak.

That's just not attractive to some people. I have seen this play out multiple times...one partner is an avid athlete...the other is a couch potato...ends badly because the athlete looks at the couch potato as lazy, unmotivated, and soft...loses attraction.

Attraction is a topic that a LOT of people would do well to explore and address. It is work to stay attractive and something that requires regular effort. There is no finish line to cross...it is a never ending marathon.

Those people then are tied up in what society's idea of attractive is. Seriously, it wasn't that long ago that fat was attractive culturally because it meant that you had enough money to eat.

To me, all I hear is that person is shallow and only into a relationship if their partner looks the way they want. And when they get older, what happens? I'd lay money those shallow types are way more likely to cheat with a younger person.

I don't think it's about attraction one little bit. I think it's about entitlement, frankly.

Some people view a sloppy fat physical appearance as a clear sign of a person with weak impulse control, a lack of self discipline, and a strong lazy streak.

Lazy women like Melissa McCarthy? Weak women like Lizzo? Undisciplined women like Oprah?

Also, "sloppy" and "fat" are not synonymous.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:41 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

Cheaters will find any excuse to cheat or D.

The spouse or partner is too fat, too thin, too smart, too loud, not loud enough, not a good cook, house isn’t clean enough, house is too clean, etc.

It’s all just a bunch of lies the cheater uses to justify the fact that the cheater is the problem. Not the betrayed.

For the record I weigh 15 lbs more than I did 30 years ago. The OW was just available. She was nothing special at all.

Yes!! What BSR said.

Fat does not equal lazy.

I know many people who struggle with their weight but are very ambitious and successful in their careers. I would never consider them lazy.

I also agree that our bodies change over time and life happens. People can have health problems and surgeries that make us not "attractive." Then what? What about the commitment we make when we get married?

This topic comes up many times, and in many forms. And I do believe that there are valid arguments to both sides. But there are no definitive lines as to where one steps over, and obviously, it is highly subjectable from one person to another.

I'll speak directly from a health(or perceived health) viewpoint. I've heard many times through the years from my wife that she would "love me if I weighed a thousand pounds". Like an unconditional love. But for me, ESPECIALLY after infidelity hit, I learned that my love is conditional, and in my opinion, should be. Let's say for the sake of argument, that I am on a path to get to that 1000 pounds. That I'm not making efforts to correct this. If this was the case, why should my wife wait around for me to most likely die way before I should, and take away the chance of living golden years together?

Or better yet, in a different thread a little bit ago, BSR specifically mentioned smoking. Another good example. There is, in my opinion, a HUGE difference between meeting, dating, and marrying a partner who smoked from before they met from a partner who decided to take up smoking 10 years after they marry. Or take up drinking. Or gambling. Insert unhealthy habit. I'm not talking about some pounds gained over the years; I'm talking about a huge health risk that jeopardizes a couple's future. Where is that line drawn?

I drew the line when he took up dating.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

Ok, seriously....

People have opinions, people have rights to their opinions. Sometimes those opinions may not be popular with others, sometimes those opinions might be downright offensive to others. But that's not the point.

The point is how you handle these opinions.

If your spouse takes up eating as a hobby and wants to weigh 1000 pounds how do you respond to that? You can either do things above-board or take your actions underground.

It's not about the opinions/thoughts/feelings/emotions, it's about how they are handled either with honesty or with deceit. The actions display the character. The opinions/thoughts/feelings/emotions may also display the character of the person, but IMO that's really a separate set of apples being compared.

I was a very a tight size 4/6 when my WH started cheating on me. I had an ass you could bounce quarters off of, and some serious curves (I was once told I had the body of a greek goddess). The first AP on the other hand was probably 300 lbs., at least. He didn't care because she was his high school twu wuv and she promised to lose the weight just for him. He then later (since DDAY) told me he had lost some attraction to me because of weight gain, and I am still not even close to her weight. My WH was a thin 170 or so when I met him. He is probably 230 or more now, with a beer gut (without the beer). Guess who didn't cheat. This girl!

People don't cheat because of weight gain. They cheat because they have issues.

Clearly in the OPs case, it was a waywards attempt at justification, and a pretty stupid one, at that. Pretty sure that is closer to the point of the thread. Not whether or not somebody was/is justified in losing attraction due to weight gain.

I hope YOU know that your SO's cheating has nothing to do with your appearance, your income, your job, your personality, or anything else to do with you. They are broken people, and if they truly DO devalue you based on your appearance, then they truly DON'T love you or deserve a seat at your table.

:MIC DROP:

I might be overweight, but my WH is lousy in bed.

He cheated, because he wanted the excitement

I didn’t, but am stuck with someone who is terrible in bed

I can always lose weight, have many times.

But his bedroom skills have never improved

Maybe it's just me, but our wedding vows didn't say anything about "as long as you're within a certain weight range..."

Then again, there also wasn't a clause about "until you start hating yourself and slut yourself out to some loser junkie and tell me I've grown predictable."

They make up hurtful escape clauses because they cannot face their own treacherous actions.

What is easier?

I had to go outside the marriage and get my sex with OW/OM because you were so fat

Or

I broke my vows because my insecurities are so serious I needed outside validation despite knowing all the t

I have probably shared this a million times here on SI: A veteran cop once pointed out to me – the rookie – that no matter what the crime or event people would always justify their actions. I wasn’t speeding – just following the flow of traffic, I’m not usually drunk after only two shots of Whiskey – I must be sick or tired, I might have run a red light, but the other driver was going too fast, she didn’t sound like she really did want me to stop…

I even remember this guy who had a fender-bender with a food-truck. That food truck had been stationary in the same place for several years, yet the driver insisted that the truck HAD to have been relocated since yesterday, because he had been making the same turn for nearly a year to get his hamburger and never before rammed the truck…

It’s always easier to find fault elsewhere… Always.