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I have asked him for 14 years why he didn’t just leave.

After I found the porn. After I saw the picture of his time with the prostitute.

FINALLY, I heard the answer this morning.

The answer I knew was - although not actually an answer to my question...but at least a statement of truth.....

Me...”Why didn’t you just leave?”

Him...”I wish I had.”

Detach.

Detach.

Detach.

You have to stop letting him hurt you since you refuse to stop being his caregiver.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:10 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

Easier said than done.

I was going to reply in OT but here is good.

Look he acts out with you that he doesnt with others. That should tell you something.

As much as you want to care for him you are hurting yourself.

Time to get respite. I mean serious time with him in care outside of the home away from you.

You need the break. You need peace.

Easier said than done.

Gently, what's the alternative? To be hurt indefinitely? To martyr yourself for the next 20+ years until one of you passes? Where does the pain end and the healing begin for you?

DH is right. Give yourself a break.

Easier said than done.

You are on an infidelity forum. We have all experienced infidelity, every single one of us. We don't just talk the talk: we have been where you are.

We know full well it's not easy. But we also know that, sometimes, it is absolutely necessary.

WhatsRight, you are a good person who does not deserve this. Like you I thought that meant, "Right! So it's not fair that people hurt me." But I was very wrong. Not deserving it actually means, "So you should not put up with it."

Listen to me because this is THE truth: people don't treat someone well because they are nice. They treat someone well because the person is not going to tolerate anything less.

He will never, ever, ever treat you well because you are good to him. He will only treat you well when you do not tolerate being treated badly. So do you deserve to be treated well? Then act like it. His words should not hurt you because you know who you are--a good, kind, loving, and strong woman. The words should bounce off of you like that nothingness they are. Let him say what he wants. Blah, blah, blah.

When waywards are accidentally honest, it's always a gift.

Make his wish come true and give yourself the freedom to walk away.

Instead of why didn't he leave... why did/do you stay?

Ouch. That's gotta hurt. Are you alright?

This is 100% just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

I think he said that to be ugly. I think he said that because he can't look in the mirror. I think he said that because you are his most available punching bag and he's not so great at coping with his own emotions.

At a bare minimum, I think he didn't leave or ever plan to leave because it was never in his best interest to leave. Seriously - where would he go? Who would take care of him like you do? I don't think his ego will ever allow him to admit that truth to you though. So it's a bit like beating your head against the wall to ask him for something he literally is not capable of giving.

I just wish that these kinds of word vomits from him didn't wound you - that you could give him an okie dokie yeah right eye roll and move along with your day.

^^^^THIS - 100%!

I'm so sorry, WR; you don't deserve any of the horseshit he spews at you and it's so sad that he will never be who you want him to be.

Please try your best to detach emotionally from this pathetic excuse for a man.

((((HUGS))))

I'm sorry, that is so hurtful.

I’m sorry you had to be subjected to that.

There really is no compelling reason to remain loyal or emotionally attached to him.

Why don’t you leave?

Honestly – this sounds like a case of I could if she would / I could if he would.

If you are both so miserable then why not find the best way to separate each other from what you both seem to perceive as the cause of your misery?

Yes it is easier said than done, but look at my tagline:

I’m sorry WhatsRight what a horrible thing to say to you after all the sacrifices you have made for him. I too am wondering if you can find outside care for him so it frees up some time for you to get away and enjoy yourself.

If your reason for not being able to leave (easier said then done) is financial, you can still get to a better place. Obviously, leaving is best, and probably would have been much better in 2012 when you signed up on this board.

Now, if you can't leave, listen to CrazyBlindsided. Do things for yourself. DO NOT DO SHIT for this man. No cooking, no cleaning or any other thing that you do for him. No sex, NADA. Let him wish he had, and just do things for yourself going forward. If that's why youre stuck, at least make it livable for YOU

As your H is bedridden now, I hope you have care for him (other than you).

You need to get some space after that comment.

Did he mean he wished he left b/c he’s seen the pain you have endured? Or does he mean he wished he left b/c he’s not happy?

In any event you need some space. I’m so sorry for you. You deserve better.

OwningItNow writes:

WhatsRight, you are a good person who does not deserve this. Like you I thought that meant, "Right! So it's not fair that people hurt me." But I was very wrong. Not deserving it actually means, "So you should not put up with it."

Listen to me because this is THE truth: people don't treat someone well because they are nice. They treat someone well because the person is not going to tolerate anything less.

He will never, ever, ever treat you well because you are good to him. He will only treat you well when you do not tolerate being treated badly. So do you deserve to be treated well? Then act like it. His words should not hurt you because you know who you are--a good, kind, loving, and strong woman. The words should bounce off of you like that nothingness they are. Let him say what he wants. Blah, blah, blah.

I agree with this premise,

IF, and only IF, one is dealing with deficient and/or damaged people.

Hurt people hurt other people.

That's what they are taught,

That's what they do.

Healthy people, and/or

Healed people,

Treat other people with respect,

Because those other people are,

People.

No more,

No less.

It's not a zero sum game.

It's not a contest.

It's not a Cage Fight Death Match.

And if one finds oneself in a situation where mutual respect, isn't,

Healthy people move on.

I've seen it.

I've done it.

Unfortunately, I did not do that with Hubs, nor with his FOO, over *years* of disrespect.

Honestly?

Partly my bad:

Early years of imprinting and conditioning in abject disrespect from my own FOO.

An incredible pain tolerance from same.

Throwing, or attempting to throw, myself bodily into the breach between that bullshit and my babies. Mixed outcome on that. Officially No Longer My Problem.

Establishing and enforcing your own boundaries *does not mean* that people with the emotional IQ of a doorknob will respect you.

Here's the take home message:

Those people *have nothing for you, nor for scant anyone else, unless those other people are supplying copious and relevant ego kibbles.*

People who do not respect themselves were not modeled respect, nor boundaries, in their FOO.

Ergo they do not have even a modicum of a clue about how to respect, nor how to honor, other persons.

Looking for, needing, attempting to build respect on an empty shell of said person is, honestly, building a house on sand.

You'll be second guessing your footings for the rest of your life, IMHO.

YMMV

I agree with the others. My WH has said similar things to me. When asked why he cheated when there were other acceptable, honorable choices he says he should have just divorced me then. And to date, he has not filed more that 2 years after DDay.

My situation does not allow for D at the moment so I know how stuck you feel. Just know he has no power over you. You are a good person which is why you still take care of him and put up with the abuse. But you need to take care of yourself. Put yourself first now. You have suffered enough. Many hugs to you.