Newest Member: username3016

General :
He finally said it.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 WhatsRight (original poster Member #35417) posted at 1:08 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I have asked him for 14 years why he didn’t just leave.

After I found the porn. After I saw the picture of his time with the prostitute.

FINALLY, I heard the answer this morning.

The answer I knew was - although not actually an answer to my question...but at least a statement of truth.....

Me...”Why didn’t you just leave?”

Him...”I wish I had.”

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8646870
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 1:09 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Detach.

Detach.

Detach.

You have to stop letting him hurt you since you refuse to stop being his caregiver.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:10 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8646871
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 WhatsRight (original poster Member #35417) posted at 1:21 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Easier said than done.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8646873
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DragnHeart ( Member #32122) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I was going to reply in OT but here is good.

Look he acts out with you that he doesnt with others. That should tell you something.

As much as you want to care for him you are hurting yourself.

Time to get respite. I mean serious time with him in care outside of the home away from you.

You need the break. You need peace.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 21874   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8646878
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 2:02 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Easier said than done.

Gently, what's the alternative? To be hurt indefinitely? To martyr yourself for the next 20+ years until one of you passes? Where does the pain end and the healing begin for you?

DH is right. Give yourself a break.

posts: 4959   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8646883
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 2:20 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Easier said than done.

You are on an infidelity forum. We have all experienced infidelity, every single one of us. We don't just talk the talk: we have been where you are.

We know full well it's not easy. But we also know that, sometimes, it is absolutely necessary.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8646889
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

WhatsRight, you are a good person who does not deserve this. Like you I thought that meant, "Right! So it's not fair that people hurt me." But I was very wrong. Not deserving it actually means, "So you should not put up with it."

Listen to me because this is THE truth: people don't treat someone well because they are nice. They treat someone well because the person is not going to tolerate anything less.

He will never, ever, ever treat you well because you are good to him. He will only treat you well when you do not tolerate being treated badly. So do you deserve to be treated well? Then act like it. His words should not hurt you because you know who you are--a good, kind, loving, and strong woman. The words should bounce off of you like that nothingness they are. Let him say what he wants. Blah, blah, blah.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8646893
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 2:52 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

When waywards are accidentally honest, it's always a gift.

Make his wish come true and give yourself the freedom to walk away.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, tone, and rewording. I'm not being sneaky; I'm just critical of my own writing.

posts: 471   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8646897
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little turtle ( Member #15584) posted at 3:15 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Instead of why didn't he leave... why did/do you stay?

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5454   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8646905
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 4:05 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Ouch. That's gotta hurt. Are you alright?

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8646926
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Chili ( Member #35503) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

This is 100% just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

I think he said that to be ugly. I think he said that because he can't look in the mirror. I think he said that because you are his most available punching bag and he's not so great at coping with his own emotions.

At a bare minimum, I think he didn't leave or ever plan to leave because it was never in his best interest to leave. Seriously - where would he go? Who would take care of him like you do? I don't think his ego will ever allow him to admit that truth to you though. So it's a bit like beating your head against the wall to ask him for something he literally is not capable of giving.

I just wish that these kinds of word vomits from him didn't wound you - that you could give him an okie dokie yeah right eye roll and move along with your day.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2136   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8646928
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

^^^^THIS - 100%!

I'm so sorry, WR; you don't deserve any of the horseshit he spews at you and it's so sad that he will never be who you want him to be.

Please try your best to detach emotionally from this pathetic excuse for a man.

((((HUGS))))

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8626   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8646933
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SadieMae ( Member #42986) posted at 6:28 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I'm sorry, that is so hurtful.

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1195   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8646961
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 6:32 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I’m sorry you had to be subjected to that.

There really is no compelling reason to remain loyal or emotionally attached to him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8646962
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Why don’t you leave?

Honestly – this sounds like a case of I could if she would / I could if he would.

If you are both so miserable then why not find the best way to separate each other from what you both seem to perceive as the cause of your misery?

Yes it is easier said than done, but look at my tagline:

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8646966
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 8:38 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I’m sorry WhatsRight what a horrible thing to say to you after all the sacrifices you have made for him. I too am wondering if you can find outside care for him so it frees up some time for you to get away and enjoy yourself.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8646997
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 8:51 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

If your reason for not being able to leave (easier said then done) is financial, you can still get to a better place. Obviously, leaving is best, and probably would have been much better in 2012 when you signed up on this board.

Now, if you can't leave, listen to CrazyBlindsided. Do things for yourself. DO NOT DO SHIT for this man. No cooking, no cleaning or any other thing that you do for him. No sex, NADA. Let him wish he had, and just do things for yourself going forward. If that's why youre stuck, at least make it livable for YOU

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8647001
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

As your H is bedridden now, I hope you have care for him (other than you).

You need to get some space after that comment.

Did he mean he wished he left b/c he’s seen the pain you have endured? Or does he mean he wished he left b/c he’s not happy?

In any event you need some space. I’m so sorry for you. You deserve better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8647004
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marriageredux959 ( Member #69375) posted at 12:03 AM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

OwningItNow writes:

WhatsRight, you are a good person who does not deserve this. Like you I thought that meant, "Right! So it's not fair that people hurt me." But I was very wrong. Not deserving it actually means, "So you should not put up with it."

Listen to me because this is THE truth: people don't treat someone well because they are nice. They treat someone well because the person is not going to tolerate anything less.

He will never, ever, ever treat you well because you are good to him. He will only treat you well when you do not tolerate being treated badly. So do you deserve to be treated well? Then act like it. His words should not hurt you because you know who you are--a good, kind, loving, and strong woman. The words should bounce off of you like that nothingness they are. Let him say what he wants. Blah, blah, blah.

I agree with this premise,

IF, and only IF, one is dealing with deficient and/or damaged people.

Hurt people hurt other people.

That's what they are taught,

That's what they do.

Healthy people, and/or

Healed people,

Treat other people with respect,

Because those other people are,

People.

No more,

No less.

It's not a zero sum game.

It's not a contest.

It's not a Cage Fight Death Match.

And if one finds oneself in a situation where mutual respect, isn't,

Healthy people move on.

I've seen it.

I've done it.

Unfortunately, I did not do that with Hubs, nor with his FOO, over *years* of disrespect.

Honestly?

Partly my bad:

Early years of imprinting and conditioning in abject disrespect from my own FOO.

An incredible pain tolerance from same.

Throwing, or attempting to throw, myself bodily into the breach between that bullshit and my babies. Mixed outcome on that. Officially No Longer My Problem.

Establishing and enforcing your own boundaries *does not mean* that people with the emotional IQ of a doorknob will respect you.

Here's the take home message:

Those people *have nothing for you, nor for scant anyone else, unless those other people are supplying copious and relevant ego kibbles.*

People who do not respect themselves were not modeled respect, nor boundaries, in their FOO.

Ergo they do not have even a modicum of a clue about how to respect, nor how to honor, other persons.

Looking for, needing, attempting to build respect on an empty shell of said person is, honestly, building a house on sand.

You'll be second guessing your footings for the rest of your life, IMHO.

YMMV

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 475   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8647070
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BetterTimesAhead ( Member #70001) posted at 4:34 AM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I agree with the others. My WH has said similar things to me. When asked why he cheated when there were other acceptable, honorable choices he says he should have just divorced me then. And to date, he has not filed more that 2 years after DDay.

My situation does not allow for D at the moment so I know how stuck you feel. Just know he has no power over you. You are a good person which is why you still take care of him and put up with the abuse. But you need to take care of yourself. Put yourself first now. You have suffered enough. Many hugs to you.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 612   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8647112
Topic is Sleeping.
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