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Curious question for those who moved forward with D

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Notagain1 posted 3/22/2021 17:35 PM

I had my first consultation with an attorney today and I felt really good leaving. I know I have only known about the OP for 2 weeks, but I feel like I have known I wanted out of this marriage for years. I just wonder if anyone else has felt this good about being done with the bullshit this soon?

StillLivin posted 3/22/2021 17:54 PM

Me, personally, no. I was devastated. But I did feel great after some time went by and I was able to see more clearly just how fucked up he was as a partner sans the affair. Adding the affair just made him a bigger asswhole that I was relieved was someone else's problem.
However, I have know several friends who felt the same as you and were finally relieved to have (in their minds at least) a "legitimate" reason to finally file.

crazyblindsided posted 3/22/2021 18:38 PM

I felt good about being done one day and devastated the next. I'm still struggling with the end of a long M. On one hand I am relieved to have peace and no chaos and then on the other hand I grieve what was lost, what I never had or will have. It's such a strange experience.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:39 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

betsy62 posted 3/22/2021 19:51 PM

I was very unhappy in my M. The M, nor my X did nothing to feed my soul. I felt very trapped by a particular circumstance in our lives.
Over the last 8 years of our M, I had mentioned to two friends a few times, that without that circumstance, I would leave him.
Then, he gave me the out I never would have taken on my own.
Once I got past the pain of how he ended it,(he knew throughout our long term M, that it was a deal breaker) and past the initial anger phase of how he ended it....I was able to really see that I was not so upset about the M ending.
I had my life back. Even my elderly neighbor said to me, "Betsy, you are going to have your life back"
I just wish the dumb ass would have just asked for a D. Instead of putting me through the hell filled journey he did. He did not need to cheat to end it.
I think he would have been shocked at how fast I would have agreed to D.
So, yes, I moved through the bullshit pretty fast.

[This message edited by betsy62 at 7:52 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

EvenKeel posted 3/23/2021 08:04 AM

You will find a yo-yo of emotions. Some will smack you as you are driving down the road out of no where.

There is a certain peace that comes with picking a road at the fork in the road. You know you are moving towards healing, etc.

I knew the D was what needed to be done. It was sad and I did mourn the future I thought I had but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Give yourself lots of time to work through the emotions (both known and unknown).

barcher144 posted 3/23/2021 09:41 AM

My guess is that if you don't have doubts about whether to get divorced... that you stayed in your marriage way too long.

That was definitely the case with me. I was absolutely miserable for two years trying to reconcile after D-day. I was often unhappy with my marriage prior to D-day.

Once I acquiesced to the idea of divorce, I was MUCH happier for 2-3 months. Then the nasty divorce got going...

AnnieOakley posted 3/23/2021 09:51 AM

Since this was not his first A, unfortunately you have learned that you need to do what is best for you. He is no longer relevant and since he wants to pursue and continue with this AP there really is no other logical or sustainable choice.

I agree that you may still have the rollercoaster of emotions but you are taking actions to also protect yourself.

Good luck, you deserve better. ☮️

Tigersrule77 posted 3/23/2021 10:02 AM

I fought for the M for a while, but once I made the decision to D, yes I felt good about it. It took away a lot of stress. Fighting to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be is very difficult and strenuous. Letting go of that SHOULD make you feel better. You will have other struggles, but you are no longer carrying that dead weight.

Justsomeguy posted 3/23/2021 10:48 AM

I don't regret making the decision to D for one second. I regret ever marrying my Wife, then trying to R. D, not at all.

What I hate is the financial hardship that comes from being a single parent in an impossibly expensive place to live. I have had to hustle side jobs to keep my head above water, but those have always come at just the right time. Lilies of the fields I guess.

Still, it's been a gut punch lowering tge family's standard of living. I now pay more in rent than we paid in mortgage payments with two incomes.

Still, I wouldn't trade the word for my self respect.

steadychevy posted 3/23/2021 13:41 PM

I don't regret making the decision to D for one second. I regret ever marrying my Wife, then trying to R. D, not at all.

Agree with Justsome guy.

It was 4 years and a month after DDay1 when we separated. Far too long. I wasn't happy. I was quite sad but I knew by then there wasn't any alternative that would have some sort of reasonable life.

When I filed for D 3 months later I felt some happiness and relief. I think it was because I was finally taking some positive steps forward for me.

It was 2 1/2 years after that when the divorce was final. That day was just another day. No euphoria. No despair. A touch of sadness. The official end of my intention of one marriage until "death do us part".

HalfTime2017 posted 3/23/2021 14:36 PM

I did not. Took me 3-4 months of the pick me dance and limbo to get my head out of my ass. The whole D process was tough, since I was going to owe CS and SS. But I was thrilled that day at court when we showed up and the Judge asked us each to confirm the termination of our marriage.

My ex walked out of there quickly and even left her attorney behind. My ONLY REGRET was not turning around in the courtroom (there was about 20 people there waiting for their turn to see the Judge) and say "Bye Felicia"! Still wish I would have done that til this day. I'm sure my attorney wouldn't have been pleased, but would have been a great story to tell after what she put me thru.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/23/2021 14:55 PM

It totally cleared my head up and helped me to get out of the fog-the BS spouse fog of denial.

I always recommend new people on SI to see an atty because it helps them see clearly their options to stay/go. It stops the round/round thinking.

For example:xh said he was taking the kids-he just bought a camper and put it in some friends property. My atty clearly stated he knew every judge in our county and not one of them would take the kids out of their home and put them in a camper.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:58 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

nothisfriend posted 3/24/2021 08:45 AM

I think I got "lucky" because my XWH couldn't wait to get started on his new life with OW. There was no love-bombing, pick me dancing or stringing me along. Of course when it got down to signing the actual papers he started whining about money (mine and how he could get some.) But still, 9 months from D(iscovery) Day to D(ivorce) Day was the best I could have imagined. There was still some roller coaster riding but looking back I think I was actually relieved. I didn't want to end our marriage but when I found out about the lies I decided that I couldn't live like that.

countrydirt posted 3/24/2021 12:17 PM

I only made the decision to divorce after I had made every effort to "save" the marriage. In the end, I knew that I had done everything I could and was satisfied with that. From the day I filed onward, my mood was on a upward spiral of feeling better with less and less sadness as time went on. By the time the actual dissolution of the marriage was legal, I felt pretty much no sorrow and had an impending sense of joy. That joy has only grown daily.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/24/2021 21:39 PM

I’ve handed the pen to hundreds of people who were signing the divorce complaint to end their marriage.

The vast majority of them felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Certainly there was sadness, but most of them by far felt relief.

Women in particular overwhelmingly feel relieved that they have started the process of getting out of the marriage.

These are not value judgments, just my personal observation over thirty years of watching people go into and through the process.

Karmafan posted 3/25/2021 02:18 AM

I did. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. It gave me clarity and a purpose. When the divorce came through, again, overwhelming relief and even joy. This is not to say that you won’t feel sad ever again, cause you will. But the fact that you feel so sure you want this is a great start.

Txquail posted 3/25/2021 15:31 PM

I was a yo-yo. I loved my First Wife. I devoted so much time to her, but after catching her cheating, I knew I had to divorce and move on. I was more of a loss of our relationship dying than losing her. There's way too many honest loyal women out there, that I just had to find her.

There were times I was trying to second guess myself, but I would simply just re-read the emails I got from her account talking to her AP. The ones wishing I was dead.

So yea, I was happy I moved one. I managed to find a loyal honest girl later and to this day am still married to her. (Been nearly 20 years).

So there is a possible happy ending for you, but you'll never be truly happy if you stay with the cheater. As someone once told me. A Leopard cannot change its spots. If you forgive them, they'll always think you'll forgive them again if they do it again.

katmandude54 posted 3/31/2021 08:17 AM

Every situation is different by degrees. Many are similar but no two situations are exact and no two reactions of BS's are exact.
I'm within 45 days of my divorce from a 30-year-marriag-finale but STBXW tempered me over the years by having six (6, yes, you read that right) affairs, losing good-paying jobs twice due to affairs. NOW, five years after she moved out she's still living with her AP (who also REMAINS married). I had to wait until a major house sale that turned into a foreclosure cleared before I could "easily" and "inexpensively" disentangle from her. Even so, it was not all that inexpensive. AND, I have the kids with me, so she has all the freedom and none of the duty (she's seen our 15-year-old daughter three times since February 2020. Worried when we last "talked" about the divorce that the judge would force the daughter to visit her. Said "she doesn't want to come here." She's got THAT right at least, D absolutely wants no visiting
I lost all ability to feel sad, depressed, down about the divorce. After six affairs, it was a foregone conclusion. Only "hitch" of sorts is she was afraid of paying child support (she makes twice what I do, is a nursing supervisor) so she kept downplaying my "need" for a "piece of paper." I kept resolute, said I needed it to get on with my life, so, deal with it.
Any sadness or depression or low feelings you have will pass. Its the price of admission to this club. sad

Newlifeisgreat posted 3/31/2021 10:58 AM

When I found out that she was cheating on me, I saw a lawyer as quick as possible, without her knowing that I knew.

I knew that cheating was an absolute dealbreaker for me. I remember walking out of the office building and through the parking lot, I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders! I remember taking a big deep breath, exhaling, and smiling!

Filing and having her served was incredibly helpful in my recovery and moving on. I felt like I had taken control over my life and the process.

Yes, there were some difficulties between filing and the final decree, but they were many her issues, which her parents and siblings had to take care of. After about 2 or 3 weeks after having her served, I basically had zero contact with her other than the occasssional phone call begging not to go through with this.

I started going out with friends much more often and started doing things I wanted to do. I even met a woman that I was interested in., although we agreed we wouldn’t officially start dating until divorce was finalized.

Filing, having her served, and divorcing her was by far the best decision I ever made!

So, stay strong! And enjoy the next chapter of your life.

Thank you.

grubs posted 3/31/2021 13:57 PM

Yup. I've always thought that AP did me a huge favor. Now she's his problem.

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