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Just Found Out :
perception vs. truth

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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Your exWF is a Narcissist, and her father is also a Narcissist. She was his golden child. Her good looks and he spent his entire life building her up. You knocked her down and he wasnt about to have that.

When you deal with Narcs, you know that you're only a small speck in their world. You evolve around her, you were never suppose to dump her, it was the other way around. You created a Narc injury for both her and her father, and now she is trying to hoover you back with the sexy pics. Don't fall for it. YOu'll soon enough be back in her scope if you fall for it, and she'll play the same shit crap trick on you. Truth is, she will never stop cheating. Guess who she learned that from? Her good ole man.

This is not your final chapter with those two. Be forewarned. Narcs don't like to be discarded, they are the only ones that can discard you. Be prepared for her continual attempts to hoover and for her dad to look for other ways to get back at you. You caused a Narc injury to him and his daughter. If you keep blowing the up, they'll keep coming after you.

You best bet is to go NC with the ex and her entire family. DO NOT engage with the OBS either. YOu will then stoop down to the level of your WF. IS that what you want? You will be just as bad as them if you engage in that type of behavior. What's really the difference, she is still married to the AP. Keep your distance and move on with your life. You dodged a bullet.

posts: 1149   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8660363
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:29 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Tell your lawyer about the ex visit. Tell him what she admitted about her father. Give him info about the pictures and show him your response to them. I don’t know the legality of showing him the pictures. That might be skirting some issues. You need to keep him in the loop.

I agree with others. These two are like leeches. Only worse. They are both sick. I wonder why she is using sex. I wonder if there is some SA in her childhood.

Whatever is there the speediest way you can get them out of your life the better.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2910   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8660370
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Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 4:55 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

If the exWG finds out about the OBS then she will use it against you, claiming you’ve always had a thing for her, that it’s also been an affair, you were together before you split up, you’ve been looking for a way out etc.

Narcs and reality bear little relation to each other, so don’t give her the ammo by getting any more involved with the OBS.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8660371
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:47 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

If I were you I would tell the OBS that you need at least 6 months away from everyone connected to your failed engagement and that unfortunately that needs to include her as well.

Tell her that you’ll call her on Nov 15 and check in and see how she’s doing. Of course if she needs you to testify in any divorce proceedings if she chooses that path you’d be glad to talk to her lawyer.

It’s best to stay away from her for at least that amount of time. If down the road you are both single and want to try and see if a romantic relationship would work, then have at it, but give yourself at least a year before you even contemplate that.

You don’t want things to be messy right now.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8660380
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:16 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Anyway, to my credit, I was able to—very calmly—do a few things:

• I told her how much hurt and damage she had caused me, and that I would never really forgive her

• I told her that no part of me wants anything to do with her or her family ever again, and that the greatest gift she could give me was to never talk to me again

• I told her about my chat with her Ex, which enraged her (though to her credit, she contained the rage), and used it to suggest that she is a deeply broken individual who needs genuine therapeutic intervention—both to get at why she has been cheating all these years, and to find a way beyond her family’s vice-like, and deeply unhealthy, grip on her soul

To her credit, she listened to it all and apologized. She said that she now accepted that we were done and that she would leave me alone. She did part by saying that a) she had only had the one affair (!), and that b) he wasn’t as good as me in any way, blah blah, and that she felt largely coerced by him. I just shook my head sadly and watched her leave.

I enjoyed a really relaxing weekend—in the end, that experience with her had been freeing, in many ways—but then last Monday, Ex-WF sent me an email, showing a very revealing picture of her sunbathing. I did not respond. Then the next day, she sent me an even more revealing photo, accompanied by the note, ‘I know you can’t dislike these that much if you aren’t telling me to stop.’ Then the next day, around the same time as the other two emails were sent, she sent me a pretty explicit video of herself. At that point, I did respond; got very angry; told her that I would be seeking legal means to remove her from my life for the clear harassment she and her family were visiting upon me. She wrote me back later that evening, apologized, and said that she knows she needs help and would not contact me again. I haven’t heard from her since (though it has only been 5 days).

My friend, you're still behaving in a potentially self-defeating manner here. Let's take at face value the assumption that her dad is a Type A personality, driven and competitive, the type of man who makes it his mission to crush those who cross him, a powerful and influential narcissist. Let's assume he now views you as such. Let's assume he has connections to law enforcement and judiciary.

First, if that is the case, and if he has always held a life-long role of the alpha authority figure in his family, then his daughter (your ex) is going to be loyal to him, not you.

Every communication you make to her -- EVERY communication, whether oral or in writing -- you must assume will be reviewed by father, his legal team, law enforcement, and potentially even members of judiciary, all with an eye toward taking actions against you to harm you in some way.

Therefor, first, you should eliminate interaction with her to the extent you can. Block all of her texts and emails.

Second, NEVER communicate to her in writing, in anger. That is a huge mistake, a sign of immaturity quite frankly.

Third, assume that when she broke into your yard and was behaving in a sexually aggressive manner, it was likely to entrap you. It wasn't because she's horny for your Johnson. Don't flatter yourself. She was likely recording your conversation and hoping to entrap you into something that could be used against you in some way.

Likewise, those salacious images of her in your phone, those are acid. Law enforcement or legal counsel could have a field day if they find those on your phone. If you forward any of them, even once, to a buddy or such, you're dead.

You need to delete them, but you need to also use a computer professional to ensure that all back-up and "shadow" or "mirror" copies of them are gone, and that all traces of having deleted them are gone.

Then, for goodness sake, STOP ACCEPTING MESSAGES FROM HER. Block her number(s). All of them. Send her a simple NC letter an actual written letter, on paper, delivered via fed exp. Include a reminder that she should not trespass on your property and that she is no longer a resident of that property.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:17 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8660411
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:36 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Contact your attorney and ask him to file a cease and desist and a restraining order, also block her.

posts: 2414   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8660442
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Seems to me, from your post, that you know what you need to do: block the xWGF and politely decline any further communication with OBS until things settle in your life.

I'm sorry your xWGF turned out this way but what a blessing that you know now instead of years later with investments and children! Neither she nor her dad have ever been told "NO" before and are desperate to fix that...bummer!

Thank you for the update, sounds like you are on the right track (except for the slight derailing with OBS).

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8660507
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I disagree with discarding the images that the exWF sent. OP Cannot forward or send them out or post them, but he should be keeping that as evidence for his attorney.

Those images and text could be useful in a case of harassment against the exWF. Just as long as OP takes care not to distribute that material, or post it as revenge porn. He should share it with his attorney. That is powerful evidence, and shows that the exWF, made false claims against him, then continued to harass OP. He could have claims against not only the exWF, but also her father and the police department if she puts that in writing. I'd run this by the attorney before deleting those text messages.

posts: 1149   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8660548
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 7:17 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Wow, Absolon. Part of me is relieved this wasn't something worse for you. And part of me just continues to be gobsmacked at how reality and real lives are so much more dramatic than any soap opera could do justice. Good for you hanging in there and having the self awareness to handle yourself so well. I agree with what others have said about limiting your contact to the OBS to text only, and only for "just the facts" help you can provide.

I think your WF and her family are dangerous. She's really vile and you are incredibly fortunate to be out of her clutches. Thank God you did not marry this woman before you found out.

Continue to watch your back.

Those images and text could be useful in a case of harassment against the exWF. Just as long as OP takes care not to distribute that material, or post it as revenge porn.

In fact, I don't think it's paranoid to consider that her untimely surprise visit and the folo up photographs could have been part of a set up to try to entrap you on a "revenge porn" charge, since their earlier bid to slander you on false charges failed.

Thus keeping the photos and your documented response in your attorney's safekeeping is probably really important.

You need your attorney's advise on this pronto and do whatever they tell you to do.

EDIT TO ADD: And one more time, get a pocket VAR that is activated and ready to record in your pocket at all times. The surprise pop in from your WF should convince you that you need this now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:26 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660553
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 Absolon (original poster new member #78553) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Thank you all for the helpful responses. One of the biggest reasons I have remained here and trusted it as my primary non-legal source of counsel is that I will receive truly helpful, sobering, honest advice in a safe environment.

It is the perfect cold shower for those trying to extricate themselves from the fogs of betrayal; it is clear, looking at my actions since Ex-WF showed up at my place out of the blue, that her visit sent me into a tailspin of sorts. I now feel like I have broken free of the effects of the last week or so.

I had a good chat with my lawyer early this morning. He was unhappy with me for even responding to Ex-WF, but he is relieved that I have done nothing with those photos and video (EG forwarding them or even downloading them). One crucial thing to point out: I believe a few posters have suggested I delete all of those emails from her, then delete, then delete, etc. My lawyer disagrees strongly. He says that all of that constitutes clear evidence of ongoing harassment against me by Ex-WF and her family.

Indeed, I am happy to say that he is very carefully embarking on a methodical process to bring legal action against Ex-WF and her family for both their false accusation against me as well as a ‘clear and methodical pattern of harassment and intimidation’. Also, I have blocked her in every form imaginable.

My brother, such a great guy, is coming out on Thursday to stay with me for 7-10 days. Not only will it be great to spend that quality time with him alone (he is a busy husband and father), but he will serve as a Good Conscience of sorts if I fall into any of the silly traps that ensnared me last week.

And on that note, I just got off a really nice phone call with OBS. Without me needing to say anything, she acknowledged that the brief kiss was inappropriate and was fueled by vengeance and nothing else, really. She totally sees why we can’t see each for the short- to medium-term future, so I don’t think there will be a problem in that regard.

The issue is that she does want me to be her informal ‘counselor’, by phone. I gently but firmly told her I can’t do this. She was upset, because the little therapy she has had didn’t go well and she knows I am safe. But I managed to tell her that a) it is unhealthy for me to be her quasi-therapist, b) I need to disentangle myself from all players in this tragedy and c) she needs to have someone safe start posing the thornier questions to her – so that she can begin to empower herself and, ideally, free herself from her terrible husband.

The reason I think she will respect my wish for no contact between us, for the next several months, is that she acknowledges how horrible a situation I was in legally and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my overall safety.

Oh and one very fortunate thing: I forgot to mention that my lovely but nosy neighbour told me, last week, that they saw my Ex-WF ‘sneaking in the side gate’ on that Friday night. He is prepared to make a statement about this. My lawyer says this is a good card to hold in our back pocket, as it constitutes a form of trespass and can be used if needed.

It feels good to be doing something proactive against Ex-WF and her family. I have felt very victimized by everything to date. And the end goal isn’t ‘justice’ or ‘treasure’, but simply to have Father and Daughter leave me in peace.

Finally: I do look back on the last seven days or so and realize how badly damaged I have been by all of this. I have spent so much time acting and doing since confirming the infidelities—and almost all of it positive and useful—that I perhaps have not even properly begun the grieving process. A part of me is starting to long for the simple company of a good woman, but I know it would be unfair and selfish to visit all my crap on her when all of this damage is so fresh. I am feeling quite lonely, though; I hope my brother’s visit will go some way to alleviating that.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2021
id 8660555
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:18 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Yes, your lawyer is right on the ball. Don't destroy evidence. Too bad you didn't record her very incriminating comments. Keep a recorder app on your smartphone. Keep the app's button on the first page of your Home Screen. Filing a false police report is a serious offense and grounds for an RO. You want to file an RO before she does.

And, I don't have to tell you that intimacy with the OBS is dangerous and can be used against you in countless ways. Also, she's psychologically compromised and vulnerable and you shouldn't be taking advantage.

I would also be careful what you post here on this unsecure forum. We've already had a recent case of a wayward gathering intel from this site.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8660584
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 12:13 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

One of the things that drives me the craziest in my red pill world is the amount of times I have seen men's lives ruined by a vengeful woman looking to destroy them by making false allegations.

In todays world men seem to be blamed for all evil that has befallen the world and all wrongs that have ever been committed against women so when a women makes an accusation he is automatically assumed guilty, and if it comes out later that it was a false allegation it seems those questions still loom over his head like a storm cloud. Nothing is ever done to the accuser and if there is repercussions they are usually miniscule compared to what the man has lost.

What about some kind of punishment equivalent to what the man was looking at for the crime he was accused? I recently saw a story on the news about a teacher that was accused and found guilty of sexually assualting a student. He lost his job, his wife divorced him, he lost custody of his kids, wife cleaned him out in the divorce and he went to jail.

8 years later the girl comes out and admits she made the whole thing up and gets 1 year of probation, his life was flushed down the toilet and she has the inconvenience of having to visit a parole office once a month for a year.

I know 2 women that have gotten divorced. In both cases the lawyer made a point to ask if there was any abuse and made a point to mention that divorce would go a lot easier and more profitable for them if there was. They (the lawyers) stopped short of saying that they should make an accusation but very much implied that if those situations were there that it would greatly benefit them. Thankfully both of them didn't take the bait ( I don't think I could respect them anymore if they did) but it just seems like they were being coached to do it because it would get them a much better settlement.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 6:21 PM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8660669
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 1:14 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

You know how, when you're watching a sports match from the sidelines, and you see the wide open pass but the guy with the ball takes the not-very-good angle shot instead?

That's us. We're on the sidelines shouting to you about the safe play because we know you're in the thick of battle and may not be able to see all of the angles.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8660693
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:16 AM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Ex-WF ‘sneaking in the side gate’

Might be a good idea to put a lock on that gate. Just to prevent any further possibilities of trespassers...

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 890   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8660746
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MorbidCuriosity ( new member #74928) posted at 12:48 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Please reconsider cutting off the OBS. From all the stories that I have read, it is really truly helpful that you guys keep in touch. The ones that the BS successfully comes out of the fight always has a confidant in the OBS.

It is true that you should not be a counselor to her but you both need someone that has the emotional capacity to take shit from you both and nod in agreement. Your brother is only there for 7-10 days. It may be because that you have him at that moment that you feel like you would not need someone else but he most likely does not feel the pain you do. And there will come a point that they will tell you that its time to move on. OBS wont have that. You and your brother's enemies are not the same while you and OBS's are.

I say this not without sympathy to the OBS as well. Caring for someone else is a form of therapy of sorts for yourself as well.

I don't say this without heavy consideration but you really do not want to cut off allies in this fight against infidelity.

I believe you can tell the OBS that you need to take some time for yourself. Use up the emotional storage of your brother for your crap lol and maybe be there for each other with the OBS. Yep. You are using each other. You are using each other as a crutch that is suitable for the injury.

Just reconsider and dont close the door on it after your legal issues are been dealt with.

[This message edited by MorbidCuriosity at 6:49 AM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8660769
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:08 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

Putting on my evil father hat, if I found out anything was going on between you and the OBS I'd find a way to use to my advantage, lying and twisting allowed. Your relationship predated the breakup, you conspired to attack the daughter, blah, blah, blah. You can just imagine.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2720   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8660792
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

How about telling her about SI? She can get a lot of support from here as well.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8660794
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 4:12 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

How about telling her about SI? She can get a lot of support from here as well.

For reasons of Absolon's safety I would advise against it, at least for the time being. If the OBS finds out about SI, news of it might reach her WH (despite her treading carefully) and, through him, Absolon's exWGF and her family. No one wants as much as to imagine what Addams' Family could do with the information they find here.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8660808
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Rulk ( member #43969) posted at 2:35 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Buy some home security cameras. It doesn't sound like your ex is backing off anytime soon.

posts: 255   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2014
id 8661818
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:18 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Addams' Family

posts: 346   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8661905
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