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perception vs. truth

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DanielJK posted 4/11/2021 18:27 PM

I will disappoint all of you

I can speak for myself, you owe me no apologies for anything. It's your life, you do you...I'm not in your shoes...I have no idea the full set of circumstances that surround any decisions you make.

The only thing that I believe most people here would ask of you is: get out of infidelity. You did a damn good job of that. (((Bro hug)))

Is there something wrong with me in my complete desire to never see this woman again?

FUCK NO!

You may feel that today, and that may change tomorrow. Nothing wrong with it, and nothing wrong with feeling differently tomorrow. This shit is hard. We've been dealt a severe blow, there is no right or wrong answer for our reaction to it . And there are quite a few here who took the same route. Spaceghost talks about his very simple penis test. If your wife, GF, or fiance touches another man's penis, then it's over. And that's exactly what he did. Others here have done the same. You should not feel one bit guilty for feeling this way. It's your life.

How could my WF reveal details of her infidelity to her mother...

Blood is thicker than water. Also, you don't know what she told her. She likely minimized.

How do I prepare myself...

If you read it just be ready for anything. Assume the worst. It's like going to the DMV. If you are prepared to be there for 4 hours, and then leave after 3 1/2, it's not so bad.

Maybe send it back unopened and tell her it's over and don't contact me anymore.

I wouldn't worry about it changing your mind. You've already heard the full range of bullshit from her...from please forgive me all the way to absolon abused me. What new can she possibly add? She betrayed you in the worst possible way and she's a serial cheater and liar.

fareast posted 4/11/2021 18:37 PM

You have done very well. You donít need to apologize for anything to me. You do you. Itís your life. Read or donít read the letter. It doesnít matter. What you told her father is exactly right. Before you would ever see her in your life again, she has a ton of work to do on herself that would take years. That is exactly right. You are in your forties and she in her thirties, the probabilities that she would dig deep to address her issues with no guarantee that you would be receptive in years to come is minimal. You already have the right approach.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:58 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 4/11/2021 18:39 PM

Her father attempting to buy you off is the REASON your XF is the way she is. She was raised by people who have no regard for anyone but themselves. And it shows.

Good for you for standing up and saying ďIím outĒ to her father. He has more respect for you than you know. Because he knows you cannot be bought. And his daughter made a huge mistake and for once throwing $ at the problem didnít work.

She could not have told her mother the truth. Because if she did her mother would not have called you to re-consider (if she had any brains or common sense). As a betrayed her mother SHOULD have understood your position.

You canít Run from this family fast enough. Smartest decision you made b/c I see you recognize this would be your life with this family.

Reading her letter? Only if it will make you laugh. Because if you will read it and itís going to cause your blood pressure to go up or it will make you irate, donít read. You already know itís filled with empty promises and regret you outed her. Not truly sorry for her poor choices.

DIFM posted 4/11/2021 19:56 PM

Absolon, you are asking the right questions and all that you are feeling is normal, reasonable, and difficult. There is nothing out of line or unusual to feel complete disconnect. Go the road that is right for you.

LightningCrashes posted 4/11/2021 20:18 PM

I am so mad, angry, upset, and hurt for the way you have been treated. You deserve so much better. And you have been handling this very stressful situation admirably.

Check out SpaceGhost0007 story and his posts. I think it will help you. Maybe even send him a message.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&HL=46539

BigNoob posted 4/11/2021 20:24 PM

Absolon they have a saying in Japan. They say that every person has 3 faces.

"The first face, you show to the world.

The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family.

The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are."

Right now what your seeing from your WF is her 3rd face. You have exposed her 3rd face to everybody that knows the previous 2 faces. She did the false claim of abuse because nobody wants their 3rd face seen or exposed. This is who she is at her core.

She has a TERRIBLE example set by her father. She has grown up to learn that cheating/adultery is okay as long as she does not get cheated on. You cannot fix another human being if they don't want to put in any work. Your WF claims to love you but what have her actions told you?

newlife03 posted 4/11/2021 20:29 PM

It saddens me that her parents "reached out" to you not to support you but to try and convince you that their daughter deserves a second chance. So it's WF's father's fault that she cheated? And buying you off will fix her? What a twisted way of thinking. Not only are you dodging a bullet by not marrying her but also the family you'd have married into.

She didn't tell her mom everything.

I'm sorry that OBS didn't want to see the proof that AP wasn't being honest with her. But you did the right thing by reaching out, and now what she chooses to do is up to her. Chances are the AP is promising to stay with her, and that's why WF is so desperate now. She wasn't desperate over the holiday weekend.

Stay strong, you're doing an amazing job!

BentandBroken posted 4/11/2021 20:37 PM

No surprise that you would want to ditch WF immediately. She's the source of major trauma. We don't send soldiers with PTSD back to the front. Why would you want to be anywhere near the source of your trauma? Your desire to get away is perfectly normal.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/11/2021 21:20 PM

Absolon,

You write extremely well, and it reminds me of another who has sadly passed on. The emotion is very evident.

You have conducted yourself extremely well, and you seem to be navigating yourself out of Infidelity.

There is not much I can advise, as it has already been posted by other members.

Am posting only to see if I can help give you a possible reason for your WF's behaviour. This is in no way condoning her behaviour, but if it helps you understand it, it may help you heal. BTW, understanding does not mean agreeing.

From what you have posted, and the key is in the meeting with your (STBX?)-FIL, it looks like your WF has been an Entitled Princess/Prince (EP) all her life.

With EPs, they do not live in reality as their world has been a huge game to them. If they fuck something up, Daddy/Mommy will sort it out.

Crashed the car? Daddy/Mommy will buy you a new one, or it will be repaired by them. The EP does not have to lift a finger to solve problems that they have caused.

So, by crying to her parents, she is getting her parents to 'fix' the problem she caused in her 'game' with you and the AP. She is hoping that Daddy will give you a job to 'sort it out', or Mommy will guilt you into staying. EP will not have to lift a finger.

To EPs, life is a game. Consequences are not 'real', so do not have to be considered in the whole scheme of things, as someone else will clean up the mess.

Unless she snaps out of this 'entitled' mindset, she will never be safe for you.

How do I know this? Well, I know of a few people like this, and would even consider myself a marginal ex-EP. Luckily I woke up from that world, and am actually enjoying life more, as it is more fulfilling.

It sounds weird, but being accountable for your actions is quite empowering. This is what EPs lack, a sense of purpose/accountability. This warps their worldview, and they become insulated from reality.

So, all in all, the behaviour your WF has been exhibiting is not to be condoned, but I do hope that this might help you understand a possible thought process.


steadychevy posted 4/11/2021 21:31 PM

Absolon, I commend you for reaching out to the OBS again and then meeting her when she had a change of mind. You showed strength and compassion.

Don't feel bad or second guess your decision about ending this here and now. Right from the beginning were the comments about dodging the bullet before more entanglements were created after marriage. I took some of us or, better yet, most of us a lot longer to get where you are. Time wasted for me.

I would probably read the letter. Many have said don't. It is your decision. Make a list of all the things that she has done so you can refer to it if you feel like you're weakening.

Strength going forward.

Buster123 posted 4/12/2021 00:25 AM

You really dodged a bullet by not becoming entangled with this toxic family, your WF is just mad because you outed her to the world with undeniable proof, the family (not just her) had probably never taken a hit like that to their reputation, that's probably why her father tried to (as he probably has all for her entire life) minimize the embarrassment, and you can bet whatever she disclosed to her mother is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

As for the letter I would probably read it, after her huge double betrayal, I would probably read it just out of curiosity, I wouldn't let anyone have that kind of power over me to the point of changing my mind to marry such an unremorseful entitled cheater, you have acted swiftly and decisively, also good job on meeting with OBS at the last minute, don't feel bad about that either. Your goal should be to achieve a state of indifference towards her and her family, that no matter what they throw at you, that it won't make you mad, but again it's your decision.

jujuchrist posted 4/12/2021 01:41 AM

Your ex doesn't need a husband, she needs a father.
By showing her that the boundaries she crossed were not acceptable, you played that role. But in the long run this is not what you need, if you take her back she will do a teenage crisis again in the future.
No turning back, find a good girl.

BindassBP posted 4/12/2021 02:44 AM

Andolon, your story touched me because I also dealt with a WF. She had an affair with my ex-business partner/friend. After DDay she was begging, pleading which gradually turned into threat of self harm bargaining etc. I broke the engagement and left for another state for few months total No Contact. Then only my healing started.


As for the hand written letter I think it's best for you to send it back unopened. Because right now you need to heal. And reading the letter will only reset it.

Stay strong brother. You got this.

Butforthegrace posted 4/12/2021 05:50 AM

This is an interesting and somewhat unusual thread. We don't see a lot of "cheating while engaged" threads. Usually the engagement period is the period of maximum limerent love, when a couple is totally devoted. The few I have seen involved existing lovers from prior to the engagement with whom the cheater has not ended entanglement.

The other interesting data point in your thread is that your WF cheated while engaged not once, but twice, with two different fiancees. In other words, twice in life she led a man down the primrose path of feeling in love, as in "enter into a lifetime commitment of fidelity" love, and then, after pledging that commitment, cheated on him. In your case it was a triple betrayal: fucking her friend's husband, who was also your friend, even in your home.

Clearly she has a giant character flaw. The piece to this puzzle, I think, is her dad's cheating. Until she resolves that, I think she is going to carry a fear of marriage that will cause her to react in this way.

All I can say is, when you marry a person, you also marry her family. This woman's problems seem to stem from her family, which seems massively messed up.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:29 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

Stevesn posted 4/12/2021 08:38 AM

I agree that you have done very well. Donít feel bad about any step you have taken.

If it were me, Iíd read the letter. Knowledge is power and I would personally want to know.

But Iíd read it with my own understanding that nothing she says or says she will do could be enough to right now offer her any chance. As Iíve written before, reconciliation canít even really start until the Wayward Partner has actually done the work that she says she is going to do (if sheís asking for that chance). And a truly remorseful wayward would do that work with absolutely no commitment from her betrayed partner that they will choose to reconcile. They do that work simply because itís the right thing to do.

I seriously doubt from what sheís shown you so far, and the greater understanding of the genetics from her father (Apple doesnít fall far) that she is capable of doing anything except trying shortcuts to win back your heart.

But letís say she does put in an Ernest effort. She must do it without any guarantees from you. It must be because she finally realizes what the right thing to do truly is. And really do it for the sake of it being important for her own ďsoulĒ.

Once she gets there, 2,3, 5 years from now, then if youíre in a place in your life where you might still be interested (I hope not, but life is a winding road) then you can then discuss what it would take to make you willing to try building something new. Again my hope is by then you have found a true partner.

And one more thing is clear to me. Any program of change, on which she embarks, to become a good safe partner for anyone down the line, would absolutely require a ďbreak in connectionĒ from her father. He has absolutely been toxic to her understanding of how relationships work. He would have to be minimized or even eliminated from her life if she is to be successful. He admitted the damage he did. Iím sure heís too narcissistic to realize he should step awAy from his daughter to actually help her effect change, but she will never succeed with him as her role model going forward.

If I ever said anything to her, and Iím not saying you should, it would be to open her eyes to this fact. But you and I both know that is going to be nearly impossible for her with the long-standing relationship they have built. Itís not a healthy one for sure.

I hope this has helped.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:45 AM, April 12th (Monday)]

BentandBroken posted 4/12/2021 09:14 AM

Absolon, if you do decide to read the letter, consider having a pen handy. You are likely to see blameshifting, minimization, DARVO, poor me, rewriting your history and many other examples of cheater defense. Label them as you see them. I did this with xWH's correspondence and it helped me truly understand how disordered he was/is.

chepo1966 posted 4/12/2021 11:41 AM

Really, I feel, so sorry for the wife of the AP, as I see, you have had a lot of support, and she alone with her children, with this shit of man, everyone talks to you about the pain that I caused you and about that he loves you, and I really find him, apologizing for the expression, ridiculous, that he loves you and fucks another, heh
And nobody talks about the pain that he is causing his ex friend, how disgusting your ex is, knowing that he has two little ones, he chooses his friend's husband to fuck, forgive me for being so honest, but it really hurts me, let him suffer Because of her friend's fever, from what I see and what you talked about with her father, she's used to doing and getting what she wants, and even more, she doesn't give a shit about it, damaging a family, really the best you can to do is to continue, with your life and get it out of everything yours, this woman does not deserve any mercy or forgiveness from anyone.
You are more than all this shit, I would just tell you, don't stop supporting OBS, DON'T LEAVE HER ALONE.

Westway posted 4/12/2021 12:22 PM

The tone of her texts has evolved from spite and anger on the day of the Facebook post, to hurt and despondency midweek, to begging, pleading, negotiating, promising, and so forth over the last few days.

Yeah this is how narcissists operate. They go from an attitude of perceived power by throwing a tantrum and threatening, and then as their network of support dissolves in the face of harsh truths and evidence, they gradually lower themselves to abject groveling.

Don't fall for it because it's an act. She is not sorry and she is trying to manipulate her way out of the corner she fucked herself into.

newlife03 posted 4/12/2021 12:36 PM

don't stop supporting OBS, DON'T LEAVE HER ALONE.

He reached out to her, and she was clear that she did not want to hear from him. Badgering her won't work if she's not open to receiving information.

Sceadugenga posted 4/12/2021 12:52 PM

Yeah this is how narcissists operate. They go from an attitude of perceived power by throwing a tantrum and threatening, and then as their network of support dissolves in the face of harsh truths and evidence, they gradually lower themselves to abject groveling.

Don't fall for it because it's an act. She is not sorry and she is trying to manipulate her way out of the corner she fucked herself into.

A narcissist's greatest fears are rejection and loss of control. They will resort to any old trick to avoid facing them - as is quite evident in your ex-fiancee's actions.

For the same reason, many of them are also serial monogamists (a.k.a monkey-branchers) - another trait amply attested by your ex-fiancee's past.

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