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not married yet-the whole story

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aprilfool1985 posted 4/2/2021 23:27 PM

Flossy,
Please do not let the message from his mom set you back. Just as your parents could only view your relationship from the outside, and it looked okay to them. (It was not okay, because he cheated multiple times.) Detaching from him and living independently and being your own source of love and esteem are the best way to create a new life for yourself. Including eventually, a new partner who treats you so much better than this partner ever did!

[This message edited by aprilfool1985 at 11:28 PM, April 2nd, 2021 (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 4/3/2021 04:10 AM

Let me give you my experience. I dated a guy at 18 - through age 21. He was a drinker with a bad temper. Lots of verbal abuse. I finally got out.

A few years later I start dating my H. My parents donít like him due to cultural differences. Iím living on my own and for months every time I go visit my parents this XBF is at the house.

My parents would rather have me marry an abusive alcoholic chain smoking loser with a bad temper than be with my H. Because we were the same race (XBF) and that would save face for them.

I married my H. My parents did not attend the wedding. They were against him for years. Until they saw he really was a good guy. And he loved me. And he took good care of me.

Point is people can tell you what they think or see. But any one who tells you to give a serial cheater a chance does not have your best interest at heart.

His mother left may not know the truth. And honestly if I were his mother I would have no sympathy for him. He needs to face the consequences and if I were his mother I would give him a good dose of reality. Starting with ďyou got what you deserved b/c you lied and cheated. Stop the pity party and get some professional counseling b/c you clearly need itĒ.

Someone needs to tell this guy the truth. And right now you are the only one doing it.

The initial loneliness is very hard. It is. Because I did break up with the alcoholic BF. All my friends sided with him so I had no one at the time. I mean no one. Stupidly I took him back after 9 months of being apart. He made promises. Heís not hanging out at the bar anymore. Heís not smoking. Blah blah blah. All lies. I regretted taking him back. But I finally got out. I moved on.

Lesson learned. Iím stronger than I gave myself credit for. You are too.

flossy posted 4/7/2021 11:31 AM

good morning
tomorrow marks two weeks with no contact. on sunday he left some treats and an easter card at my door. talking about how Jesus' forgiveness and grace is the most important thing in life. which yes i do believe. but dont try use my religion to manipulate me. that card is now in the recycling.
its kind of interesting. its like reality is now setting in. I feel super alone lately. especially at night.im trying to work on my negative thoughts and beliefs.
I am telling myself that he really wasnt the right one for me. and there is someone out there who has the same values and will never look for someone else. right now though im working on myself. trying to read lots. forcing myself to be social
however i just feel like im not totally happy. i am grumpier easier. being alone kind of sucks. but i know its just a time for growth. i dont want to waste this pain. because i know out of pain comes the biggest acomplishments
thanks everyone for helping me.

Txquail posted 4/7/2021 13:08 PM

Flossy,

I know how you feel. Being alone sucks, but being with someone who is unfaithful is worst. If you take the cheater back, they'll know that cheating is not a deal breaker for you. If they put on the charm, you'll take them back if they do it again. In my opinion, its not worth the risk or effort on that person. Again, the purpose of dating is to find the one who you are seeking. Obviously your previous interest is not what you were looking for.

Think of this, if you go back to the cheater, you basically pull yourself away from any possibility of meeting the person who is perfect for you. Remember the perfect person will not cheat, and if they discover you are taken, they'll never approach you.

When I found my first EX-W was cheating on me, I immediately put a end to any chance of her being in my life. I didn't answer her calls, I didn't respond to the gifts, the letters, the notes on my car, etc..I went through the divorce.

While this was happening, I decided the best thing was to get my mind off the mess I was in. I enrolled in Gold's Gym where I started working out, making my body more healthy. I started eating more healthy again making my body more healthy. This had two effects for me, it made me physically more happy, and mentally more happy. I was away from home, working on me, surrounded by people in the gym I could chit-chat with.

The more you are around other people, the more confident you become. I'd highly recommend the gym as a release of your frustrations. Its amazing how much you can lift or do cardio when you are feeling blue/upset.

All I can say is, stay the course. In the long run you'll be a lot better off without the cheater. Now for me, it took me several years of dating before I found my 2nd and hopefully permanent wife. We've been married for nearly 20 years now.

Just keep in mind, when you are new in the relationships, put boundaries out. Let them know what boundaries you have. For me it was opposite sex friends. I never ever wanted to hear the phrase, "we are just friends". I told my 2nd wife early on, if she wanted to continue with me, it was a commitment to me and part of that was "No opposite sex friends". I told her of my first ex-wife and why we got divorced. She understoood and agreed to the no opposite sex friends.

Dignitas posted 4/7/2021 15:41 PM

Your career changes are exciting and will be a great opportunity to get out into the world. Keep moving forward and keep your head on straight. You have enough experience now to recognize manipulation when you see it.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/7/2021 16:27 PM

Just tell me this is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.

then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

This is a false dichotomy - it's not an either/or. There are MANY in-between possibilities.

Who says you cannot have children without being married? There are plenty of possibilities there - including adoption and artificial insemination. Why would you settle for a 'possibly happy life' just to be married? To someone you KNOW FOR A FACT is a liar and a cheater?

He's not the only guy in the world. He's not the best guy in the world. You need to break out of your bubble, not necessarily with the aim of dating, you have to first be comfortable with YOURSELF.

I know that you want all the pain to be over already, but it doesn't work like that. It will take time. And every time you break NC you re-set the clock on your healing.

Go fully NC - both with him and his mom/family. Block them on every possible way of contact - blacklist them on email, block their phone numbers and social media accounts. If they leave any more cards in your mailbox or porch, tear it without opening it and throw it away. If he tries to come over, don't answer the door. If he persists in a harassing way, call the police.

Tell your parents that you are not going to discuss your breakup with them. If they do, remind them that you asked them not to discuss it and since they have disrespected your wishes in this regard you are leaving. Do this every. single. time.

You need to detach. As in

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him.

He's dogshit on the bottom of your shoe. Do you try to have a conversation with dogshit about why it was in the wrong place and how it is ruining your shoes and wait for an apology? No. Scrape off and move on.

You CAN do this.

((((flossy))))

flossy posted 4/9/2021 14:50 PM

thanks again everyone. your words really give me power and strength.
i find it crazy how my thoughts can keep going back to the good in the relationship and how "he treated me so well"
i got an email from him last night saying he misses me so much and asks if we can go for a walk
this makes me sad but also mad! like leave me alone. if you couldnt care about me when we were actually together. what are you doing.
i hope i can find someone better
im listening to an uplifting podcast

fooled13years posted 4/9/2021 15:13 PM

flossy

i feel like i just needed someone to say YES you will find someone you love!!

The person you need to love and who needs to love you right now is you.

Once you are okay with that, and when you are not looking, is when that special someone will come along.

sad12008 posted 4/9/2021 15:47 PM

I hope you continue NO CONTACT with this guy. You have gotten great advice. I'm usually a big one for R, but not at all in your case. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit and keep that door firmly shut behind you. If he's been doing all this PRIOR to marriage, during the no-added-stressors period of a relationship, he'll be even WORSE after marriage. You want marriage and children, I get that! You definitely do NOT want children with this man. You don't want children growing up with a cheating father who slides into the pew on Sunday with his family as easily he slides between the....you get the idea. A hypocrite, an unfaithful partner, a horrible role-model for children.

This guy is not THE guy. Best of luck.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/9/2021 15:48 PM

Gently flossy dear - WHY are you reading emails from him? Please blacklist him and/or re-direct his pathetic emails into your spam folder.

Block him in every way possible. Cut the cord.

Pulling off the bandaid now and going COMPLETELY NC with him is the fastest way to start to heal from this.

((((flossy))))

flossy posted 4/13/2021 20:12 PM

hi guys
just wondering if anyone has wise words of wisdom or encouragment. or any helpful tips.
its been 2 months and i feel more lonely and isolated then ever. i just keep thinking about how i was so content with my life when i had him. i felt complete.
i know this will make me a stronger person but right now i cant see it.
i have this urge of reaching out to him just so i dont feel alone. dont worry i wont.
im trying to do things in my life that i cant do in a relationship. but i feel really alone and that im actually just waiting for someone so my life can begin

siracha posted 4/13/2021 20:33 PM

Im so sorry ...Yes You were happy but only because you were living in deception. Yes you will ofcourse feel bad for a few months it comes and goes in waves . But then you are done with the toxicity forever . You might want to watch bridget jones diary or something tonight .... breaking up with a charming cheater is part of being a human !
My best suggestion to you would be get a pet , they are a very healthy source of love and affection . You absolutely made the only healthy decision when you left .

[This message edited by siracha at 8:34 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

Jambomo posted 4/14/2021 05:41 AM

but i feel really alone and that i'm actually just waiting for someone so my life can begin

Even in a relationship, this kind of thinking isn't the healthiest. The aim is to be able to have a happy and fulfilling life to which a partner is just an added layer or bonus that makes things even better. A partner should not be your purpose or reason for living, even without cheating, people can leave us for all kinds of reasons and to be resilient to that, having a level of self-sufficiency and enjoyment in your own life is really important.

Why don't you use this time before you go to work on this? If you feel lonely get in touch with family or friends and arrange to do things. If you don't feel you have enough friends then take up a few activities where you get to meet people.

Don't wait on someone else to begin your life. You begin your life, begin it now.

flossy posted 4/14/2021 11:22 AM

thanks for your replies. you are both right. life is precious and i dont want to waste it away waiting for someone.
if you really knew me, i am actually quite an independent and confident person. Im just dealing with these ruminating thoughts at the present. thanks for your words. they help so much

on a side note. i know youll think why hasnt she blocked him on email.
but i really cant figure that out
i received this email from him today..... it really messes with my head because i am a forgiving person. but im so angry.
also his mom told me hes really connecting with his counsellor----so at least hes trying??
Good morning FLossy,
I have refrained from messaging you on here. Just checking in and making it known to you again that I want to be with you. I am actively addressing the issues and working on myself every day. Please donít write me off. Where ever you are, you are my home and I miss everything about it.
What do YOU need flossy? I canít guarantee it but I will put everything I have into it.


----any words of wisdom on this email??
I just know there is no longer trust. he was going behind my back our entire relationship... hes done this to his two other gfs. why is he working so hard to get to me

[This message edited by flossy at 11:23 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

annanew posted 4/14/2021 12:14 PM


Hi flossy, you are doing well. Take a long term view.

As for your ex, remember that you wrote this in your original post:

however i have never felt like i could marry him

Listen to this voice.

You say you felt complete with him... but did you really? Something told you he was not the one for you.

Being alone can be hard but it's really important that you learn how to be happy alone. It's really the key to finding a good partner, as strange as that sounds. The more you think you "need" a relationship, the more you will attract people who (mostly unconsciously) are looking for vulnerable partners. And that's a mess you want to avoid.


HalfTime2017 posted 4/14/2021 12:35 PM

Flossy, if you know the contact information for his ex girlfriends, it might help you to hear from them on their perspective.

I haven't read through this entire thread, but your BF is a serial cheater. Those types take a lot to change. you are still so young. Don't Settle.

Don't look back at yourself 5-10 yrs from now, when he may have cheated again, and realize that you settled b/c you were afraid of being alone. That won't happen. As soon as you can date again, you'll find someone else. Stay strong.

The1stWife posted 4/14/2021 13:02 PM

why is he working so hard to get to me

I have my own theory on this.

Some people like the thrill of the chase. They donít treat you right when you are 100% in the relationship BUT once you leave, they will say or do ANYTHING to get you back. Itís a challenge. Then you reconcile and most often they resume cheating and lying.

I would ignore the cheater. Connecting with the therapist? Great. Good news. Problem is no one knows if these are temporary changes or long term permanent changes.

Not married yet? Good. You can see how your marriage will be (potentially) when REAL stress or problems come along.

The mother intervening? Thatís a problem. Sheís willing to do anything so the poor ďkidĒ doesnít have to suffer. Sheís there cleaning up behind him. And thatís possibly a large part of the problem IMO.

Re-read my post. I reconciled with the alcoholic boyfriend. Stupid me! I saw how all his promises were lies. And he couldnít keep his problem under wraps for very long - thankfully I found out after a few months.

This guy does not want to be dumped. Heís trying to save face.

Move on. Itís hard now. But it could be harder years from now!

PS. If it were my child and this happened ó very little sympathy from me. And I would be calling the betrayed with full support and telling them to move on. Because my child doesnít deserve a good living person like you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:04 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

flossy posted 4/26/2021 15:19 PM

ugh..
i cant believe i am back here talking about this. i feel like i am annoying to you guys as i dont seem to listen to your obvious advice
so i told you last time that i had him blocked on everything. well a week ago (3 weeks blocked) i got drunk and i havent been drunk in almost 2 years and i unblocked him and messaged him. within minutes he was there to see me. now has begun the cycle again of us seeing and hanging out.
i have told him multiple times that i dont want to be in a relationship.
he has been going to counselling and the counsellor and him seem to work on his 8 year long habit of reaching out for acceptance by girls.

he treats me so well (he always has, this is not new). will do whatever i want. always wanting to buy me coffee or dinner. mowing my lawn when we werent talking.
on my birthday he made me a cake and gave me the sweetest card.
i am going to counselling and she is helping me with distancing myself but i find it so hard because i enjoy his company.
i really thought i was stronger then this. i just have continuous thoughts of what if this is my person and my only chance to have kids with someone

i also am finding it hard to distinguish being manipulated and him just really loving me?
is it normal for someone to keep fighting this hard after you are broken up with??
my mind is going crazy.

some good news he wanted to take me on a get a way for my birthday but i told him no and did my own solo

every time i take a step forward i take a couple backwards
he keeps telling me this is what will make us stronger in the end
also yesterday he deleted snap chat.... he deleted the app not his actual account... he said he had an epiphany to do this.....??? this confuses me..like wouldnt this be the first thing that you would do?

[This message edited by flossy at 3:22 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

grubs posted 4/26/2021 15:32 PM

he deleted the app not his actual account...

Which is easy to reinstall... Deleting his account is harder to recover as he would need to reconnect all his "friends"
i really thought i was stronger then this. i just have continuous thoughts of what if this is my person and my only chance to have kids with someone

That's not exactly a ringing endorsement of him and is somewhat dismissive of what you bring to a relationship.

EllieKMAS posted 4/26/2021 15:40 PM

i have told him multiple times that i dont want to be in a relationship.
And yet... you are in a relationshit. You can tell him all day long - but your actions don't back up your words. I'm not criticizing - none of the NC thing is easy, as you well know.

i just have continuous thoughts of what if this is my person and my only chance to have kids with someone
There are roughly 3.6 BILLION men on the planet. Get this thinking out of your mind, whatever it takes. No one person is your ONLY chance for anything. And you deserve better than this guy has EVER shown you. My bet is that one of those other 3.6 billion guys wouldn't cheat on you.

Flossy honey, you have been in the cement mixer with this for a while now. You are young. You aren't married. You don't have kids. You don't share a mortgage, or jointly own cars, or have 401k's etc. You don't have any reason other than your own fears to stay in it.

is it normal for someone to keep fighting this hard after you are broken up with??
Yes - narcs love doing this. It's called love bombing and all it does is keep you reeled in with just enough pretty words. And so far, that's all he has given you - pretty words and lots of lies and hurt. And pretty words aren't a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

Your first post on this site was on February 13th - about 2.5 months ago. You have not *really* been NC with him long enough to start flexing those NC muscles IMO and really truly open your eyes to any possibilities outside of this guy.

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