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does this mean i know deep down he isn't the one, or am i not a person to fight for anyone...

I wanted to mention this because I see a lot of people (not just on SI but in general) talking like this bit in bold and I really think it is a flawed way of looking at things.

I think the idea of fighting for someone comes from the Hollywood-type notions that love is all that matters and that person you love unconditionally (however flawed) deserves your love. Its seen as noble to persevere, to always be there no matter what.

Its all just Hollywood bullshit though.

Love isn't a war, there isn't a battle going on here, there is nothing that could be described as a fight. The flip side of calling it a fight or a battle is that it implies those that split up lost or just didn't try hard enough; when What you really have is a situation where your ex has acted badly and you have appropriately reacted to a bad situation and protected yourself from further harm. There is nothing dishonorable about that and there's no lack of effort or loss, he simply broke what you had beyond repair.

I think of it in the same way people talk about cancer (I heard this when my father had it). "He won his fight against cancer" is such a wrong thing to say, again it implies those that die of it did something wrong, lost, just didn't try hard enough.

Its just not an appropriate term in this context and nor is it in relationships.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 11:27 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]

thanks guys. again.

when ever i am feeling confused or sad in my thoughts i just re read your comments

i really hope one day i look back on this and think to myself "how were you so delusional!"

anyways.. i got a job offer to move to the states!! my job will start may 17th. for 7 weeks then i will be back here for family vacation.

im really hoping this brings some clarity with the distance...

Yay Flossy! That's awesome news!!!

And yes I think it will be really good for you to have something new and positive to focus on.

How is NC? You stickin to it?

How is NC? You stickin to it?

well of course this happened but his grandpa came into the ER today (where i work) and he was admitted. his phone died so i let him use mine to call his daughter (my ex bfs mom). i got to see her and texted her for a bit. mostly about him. it was nice. i thought about unblocking him. but i didnt.

i feel sad about it.

Good work keeping him blocked during a stressful time.

[This message edited by aprilfool1985 at 10:34 PM, April 30th, 2021 (Friday)]

i thought about unblocking him. but i didnt.

That's a BIG deal flossy! Good job

It's okay to feel sad. That old song... breaking up is hard to do. And it is. Sad is a really normal feeling, but I promise you it really will pass.

i just always thought after you found out your significant other cheated on you, you wouldnt love them anymore

Oh I SO wish that was true. But it generally isn't. There's a grief that has to be worked through, and there's no short-cut or switch you can flip to avoid it unfortunately.

It does pass though. And not sure bout everyone else, but NC helped me get through it way easier. For me, I really feel like my healing only started once I cut contact. It was like an open wound that had just been constantly poked and had salt rubbed into it finally got left alone to scab over.

i got a job offer to move to the states!! my job will start may 17th. for 7 weeks then i will be back here for family vacation.

Well done 😊 That sounds so exciting. Do you go back to the job after the vacation or is it a short term post?

Yes sadly we usually do still love them afterwards, mixed with hate, anger, sadness. You run the full range of every emotion after you find out!

When I found out I was dating a serial cheater I ended it and never looked back. Yes he did try for a year to love bomb me and try to get me to go back out with him.

I was just smart enough to realize he was a jerk. Hate him? No. But go out with him again? Hell no!!!!

For me it was an instant reaction. I hope you get there one day. Not hate him but realize he’s a lying cheating jerk!

Jambomo

I am going for a 7 week contract then will be coming back for a month then hopefully leaving again for 3 month stints.

today was a hard day for some reason. i just dont feel my positive attitude is here. im feeling down and quite anxious. suppose to work a night shift and i couldnt sleep prior!! not one bit

kind of crazy i read "perception vs truth" forum and woww!! did i learn soooo much. so many similarities.finding things out from their past, past cheating, finding out way more then you thought, having their parents tell you "they never loved anyone like you and this can work out"

literally right when i finished reading, i heard his truck and then knocking on my front and back door. holy my heart was racing and still is..

i Just saw him leave.

it makes me so sad. and im crying writing this.

i have so many different thoughts and emotions.

its really a sad thing. to lose a good relationship and your best friend.

I think everything is really hitting me now that i am leaving. this life that i built here isnt my future anymore and i feel a lot of grief about it.

anywhooo, off to work I go

I know you guys are going to say call the police but i really dont want it to end like that.

thanks for listening to my journal haha

[This message edited by flossy at 9:26 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]

Just pointing out that here AGAIN he is showing absolutely zero respect for you, your wishes, or your boundaries. Whatadouche.

Good job Flossy! Sticking to that nc boundary is so hard in the beginning, but so worth it. And I promise you it will get easier the longer you go.

Sad is okay. It's a big deal and your feelings are normal. But try to reframe. Your future is now wide open and free of a cheating liar. That's a win, any way you slice it.

Hugs honey. You've got this!

Look, I understand so much about the way you are feeling.

I was married and had a kid before the infidelity shit storm blew up my life.

In a way I have to see you as lucky, because you are here and not married yet.

Please don't marry this man. This problem does not get better without a lot of work on his and your part, and it's not fun work. Its back breaking, terrible work and he hasn't even shown you that he's capable of doing his part yet.

Most people are not capable. And you don't have 20+ years of marriage and kids yet.

Do yourself a favor and run now. You will be so happy you did. I wish I would have.

Also- I still struggle with having feelings. That is normal.

The person you thought you loved just straight up does not exist. You only saw what he wanted you to see.

I am still desperately in love with a figment of my imagination. That still, after years of struggle and finally acceptance, is true.

The thing is that I finally realize that I made that person up in my head, but they never really were the person I wanted them to be.

And then the real work begins. And it's a relief to be where putting in the effort can actually change your life for once, instead of pouring your heart down a drain for years and years.

I promise it gets better.

[This message edited by 99problems at 11:19 PM, May 1st, 2021 (Saturday)]

I have 15 friends/relatives who were all cheated on while they were dating their BF/GF. Plus there are more here at SI who had the same experience.

Every one - and I mean all of them - married their cheating BF/GF and guess what?? They were cheated on after they were married.

Some were serial cheaters and others cheated here and there. But they all regretted marrying the cheater. They believed it wouldn’t happen again and they believed the lies and empty promises the Cheater told the betrayed spouse.

It’s almost as if the forgiveness bestowed on the cheater was used against the betrayed spouse. Because there were no consequences to the cheater they just did it again. The cheater just expected to be forgiven again and again.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:56 AM, May 2nd (Sunday)]

The thing is that I finally realize that I made that person up in my head, but they never really were the person I wanted them to be.

And then the real work begins. And it's a relief to be where putting in the effort can actually change your life for once, instead of pouring your heart down a drain for years and years.

I promise it gets better.

yes thank you for the thoughtful response. I really just need to remember that he is not who i think he is.

i drove home from work this am and he drove past me. then came to my house. i talked to him at the door.

he doesnt understand why hes blocked again and he promises me he will never waver again. he also thinks my counsellor must be telling me the wrong advice because people get through this. he says he knows what i want deep down and its not this.

I told him you dont know what i want. and i told him im protecting myself and im moving on.

he wanted to come in but i didnt let him

its almost easier for me to see him in this sad pathetic way ?

so ya still going day by day

Good for you for sticking up for yourself.

Maybe the next time you don’t give him the opportunity for any conversation. None. Zero.

You can look at him now and see that he is very persistent b/c he wants something and he thinks he’s going to get it. He will keep beating you down until you give in. At least that is the “old” you.

The new you (after Dday) is smarter than that.

i just always thought after you found out your significant other cheated on you, you wouldnt love them anymore

The whole process of moving on would be easier if this were true. But it's not so we do the best we can to get through it.

he also thinks my counsellor must be telling me the wrong advice because people get through this. he says he knows what i want deep down and its not this.

This is a BIG clue of what kind of person he is and what kind of relationship you will be in forever if you go back to him. He is trying to win the argument by trying to convince you that you are wrong. THIS behavior will only get worse in a relationship with him. This guy is emotionally controlling, this is very scary trait in him. He is still not respecting you and he is showing you that he will never respect your wishes or your thoughts. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG TO ME!!!!! stay away.

hi!

just wanted to do a quick update and hopefully get a little insight.

its been 3.5 weeks since the second no contact.

I have now moved 500kms away and am in the USA waiting to start my new job as a travel nurse.

I have had 6 days of being alone in this town (havent made any connections really yet as i havent started work)

I have found that this has left me with a lot of free time of thinking.

I find i miss him a lot.

also i am sooo emotional. small things will cause me to break down. for ex) i hit my head on my bike rack and then just started balling my eyes out for all the hurting i was feeling. it had nothing to do with the bike rack.

so what i would like some insight on is: Will i ever feel like i made the right decision? like actually really confident in myself? right now I just keep thinking maybe he is changing. did any of you feel this way?? where you struggled with knowing you made the right decision?

ive been doing a lot of inner work and thnking.

i was wondering if you have opinions on the right time it is to start dating. ive heard mixed answers, saying you dont have to be fully healed to start.

i just think ok, one of my goals in life is to have a family. i should maybe start trying to find the one sooner then later?