SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

28!!!! Is a baby. Not in a bad way. In a wonderful, entire life still ahead of you way. I am 40 and still feel too young to be settling for this shit. Oh sweetheart there are better days ahead. Cut off contact.

You know you feel better when you go NC, so love and respect yourself to do so. While the last thing you should be thinking about while you recover from this toxic relationship is another relationship, you will be unable to find the great guy while you are stuck on this loser.

Set yourself up for success.

What motivates you?

When I was working on going NC with my WXH (who was also saying all the right things and trying to get me back), I literally took a calendar and every day that I didn't contact him, I put a smiley face on it. There were days when the urge to contact him was strong, but I didn't want to break my streak. I wanted that smiley face. I also gave myself rewards for benchmarks - 1 week of NC meant a new DVD set that I wanted. 2 weeks was a pedicure, etc. Whatever motivates you.

Pretty soon it became normal not to contact him and I was able to start seeing things (him) more clearly. For years I've had no desire to contact him because I was able to create a wonderful new life for myself that is better than anything I had with him.

What works for some people is promising yourself that you will donate $5,000 to an organization that is in complete opposition to your belief system if you contact him.

Figure out what motivates you and do it. It's hard at first, but remember that in this case, it's actions that count. Just don't give in.

He's such an asshat. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Still pining over this guy who has cheated/left/cycle of abused you? Or in a healthy, equal, balanced relationship with a guy that really loves you? I've done both, and the latter (my current life) is so much better. You can get there too. You've got this.

Figure out what motivates you and do it. It's hard at first, but remember that in this case, it's actions that count. Just don't give in

i like this ( i really love what everyone says but im just starting to know how to use the quote button haha).. i was really doing so well with no contact. and i was giving myself a lot of self care and treats haha. so some of my motivations are eating out and reading and trying to invest in myself.

i decided i am going to take it day by day. I need to be self disciplined. this hurts a lot now but i know something good will come from it yes??

I have to be super strong because i think i am "stuck" in this town for two more months then i originally planned.

some strategies i have thought of are to go camping on all my days off and really explore where i am.

I just am finding this time around sooo much harder?! maybe because i am not so angry anymore?

can you guys tell me this. is this 100% obvious to you that i need to leave this guy??

I just have these doubts because i really do believe he is working on himself.

if we are really meant to be we will be right...

oh gosh i am so weak

[This message edited by flossy at 9:14 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

can you guys tell me this. is this 100% obvious to you that i need to leave this guy??

I just have these doubts because i really do believe he is working on himself.

Yes. Imho, you could waste a lot of your very promising life and precious time on this douchecanoe. Mine made pretty promises to me about how much I meant to him mere days before falling dick-first into his AP in a bed I bought and paid for. Early on, SI folks told me what would happen, but I knew better cus he loooooved me so much. I know it's hard but you gotta open your eyes and actually SEE him for what he is here. He's a manipulator and a liar and hasn't changed one bit since your first post that I can see.

But it doesn't matter what a bunch of SIers think. YOU have to believe that you're worth more than the very little he's offering. And don't get that twisted my friend. Cus he hasn't done anything REAL for you to help you heal. Flowers and lawnmowing and more pretty words don't do anything for your healing.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you were 10 years older dealing with his nonsense? How would you feel if you had a kid with him and he cheated on you and them?

Seriously girl. Read around on here. There are SO. MANY. BSs. on SI that will tell you to run far and fast right now because they didn't when it would have been a simple thing to end the relationshit and wasted months years and decades of their life trying to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. Stop thinking he's the only dewd in the world. He's not and there's infinity other guys out there that are actually worth your effort.

can you guys tell me this. is this 100% obvious to you that i need to leave this guy??

Yes, I think you need to leave him.

My reasons are 1) because he is a serial cheat, this is his pattern of behaviour in relationships. It’s only my opinion but because serial cheats often do it for the fun in the deception, the ego boost, the thrill of the chase - they find it harder to stop and I see that as more like an addict trying to stop drink or drugs. He may be working on himself but this is no guarantee of success and it doesn’t mean he won’t do it again in the future.

2) I am only saying this one because I think it’s what will resonate with you and not for him but at this junction forgiving him and getting back together with him would be more damaging to his learning than leaving him. He has to learn that actions have consequence and that promises to change are not enough. He is stepping all over your boundaries in ignoring your requests for no contact, he feels entitled to your attention and you are rewarding bad behaviour by giving it to him. He is STILL behaving badly in doing this. All he is learning if you go back is that he can do the worst of behaviours and it won’t matter as long as he promises to be good.

One thing that someone said somewhere is that we think of cheating like a bump in the road, it’s something that happens and we treat it like we overcame that bump and are fine. If you think of any bumpy road though, there’s never just one bump, the same bumps happen again and again because it’s a bad road. You are heading for the nice smooth motorway and are still debating on staying on the bumpy road a few more miles. Think of your suspension - go take the motorway.

wow. you guys really have a way of changing how i think

im feeling really weak and vulnerable but im going to take it day by day

today i win because i didnt see him. and i told him we need to start no contact again

tomorrow i think i will block him and his mother.

why do i feel bad for blocking his mom?? because she will think im a B$@#$? does it really matter in the end?

i need to do whats best for me.

do the hard things now. so i can be rewarded later.

do the hard things now. so i can be rewarded later.

Yes this is the best choice for you. It will be hard. Yet.....it will get easier.

My take is YOU don’t want to be the “bad guy”. You don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and you want everyone to like you.

However when you put your needs first you have to stop trying to please everyone or worrying about other people’s feelings. You will never be happy (in the long run).

Sometimes you have to make the hard choice to say or do what is best for you. My H & I were married 25 years and not once was the word D ever mentioned. Until his last affair. He treated me horribly during his affair but I continued to try to do everything to reconcile. While I was working to reconcile he continued her to cheat.

I stayed b/c of my kids. I thought I was doing what was best for the family.

Until dday2 and I snapped. I had enough. I decided MY happiness and sanity was more important. I realized what I was doing wasn’t in my best interest. So I told my H I had no other choice and I was D him. It came down to him or me snd for once I chose ME.

I’m not going to say I didn’t feel good to stand up to him. It did. But I knew my children would be better off with a mom who was not crying everyday and mentally beaten down.

Back to you and your situation. It will be hard to just walk away b/c you have mixed feelings. However you only have mixed feelings b/c he’s love bombing you right now. He’s trying to get you back so he’s saying and doing whatever he can.

He’s not respecting your feelings. He’s not caring what is best for you b/c he only cares about himself. He’s being very selfish “in the name of love”. But I promise you that once you take off the rose colored glasses you will see him objectively.

And he ain’t all that.

I have huge issues with his mother inserting herself. As I said if it were my child who cheated there would be no support from me. My attitude would be to tell the betrayed to run far away from my child b/c my child doesn’t deserve to have a good person like you. I would not be telling the betrayed to give my child another chance.

Do the hardest thing now. You will not regret it.

Flossy - I haven't been on much of late, but just got caught up on you, and your happenings.

You are really struggling to find the inner strength and spending far too much time worrying about what others think.

Please reconsider that what others think is their issue not yours.

By demanding and enforcing NC right now with your BF and his mother (you have to see how toxic that is right) you are showing them that you demand more respect and space.

The other thing I see repeatedly in your thread is fear of being alone. Being alone can be an awesome thing. It can allow you to build your self confidence, and find out what YOU truly want in your life. You are extremely young yet, and really at the time in your life where you should be doing and trying everything from seeing the world to skydiving, to scuba, to long road trips with good girlfriends, to learning an instrument, or whatever your interests are. This time is supposed to be all about YOU. Then when you figure that out, and regain your confidence, it will become clear that this person is not your soul mate, that you want a man of integrity, that will respect you, and the boundaries of a healthy monogamous relationship.

Plus you will see that being alone is not as scary as you may believe, and find that you don't need a partner or another person to feel fulfilled in life.

(((And Strength))))

Dig deep girl. Do this for you. So you can become the best version of you.

im feeling really weak and vulnerable but im going to take it day by day

I know it's hard. That doesn't make you weak at all!

and i told him we need to start no contact again

Gently honey - don't 'tell' him you're going no contact. GO no contact. Block his ass everywhere. If any of your 'friends' start trying to tell you to 'give him another chance', tell them you are not interested in hearing about him. That's hard too, but your friends should be backing YOU up and helping you to do what's best for YOU.

why do i feel bad for blocking his mom?? because she will think im a B$@#$? does it really matter in the end?

And we wonder why his boundaries are so shit - welp looks like he learned that bad behavior from mommy dearest. Cus her contacting you like that was total BS.

My mom is in AA for years now, and one of the first things she learned in there is this: what other people think of you is none of your business.

Also a quote by Jidenna - Some Kind of Way:

No matter what you say

Or where you go or what you do

Or how you pray

Somebody's gonna feel some kind of way

Somebody's gonna feel some kind of way about you

People can feel whatever way they want to - and most of the time IME people's feels about things are more about themselves and their baggage than they are about me. If you are making this decision because it is what's best for YOU, then they can just keep their feels about it over there.

And just saying, the older I get, the less it matters how other people feel about me. So long as I am good with myself that's what matters to me.

i need to do whats best for me.

do the hard things now. so i can be rewarded later.

Yes ma'am!

My take is YOU don’t want to be the “bad guy”. You don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and you want everyone to like you.

that is totally it. I dont want anyone to think this is my fault. and that im so unstable block unblocking all the time

By demanding and enforcing NC right now with your BF and his mother (you have to see how toxic that is right) you are showing them that you demand more respect and space.

yes really. i actually feel like i have to demand it cause ive asked so many times.

i just need to keep being reminded that my situtation is not unique. That you all had spouses that tried to get you back and said amazing things and did nice things just to betray you again

i also repeat in my head that i dont want to be in a relationship where always in the back of my mind im thinking about whats on his phone.

The other thing I see repeatedly in your thread is fear of being alone. Being alone can be an awesome thing. It can allow you to build your self confidence, and find out what YOU truly want in your life.

yes you are totally right. I am really trying to change my mindset from oh poor me im alone to wow i can do whatever the heck i want. and im going to.

heres something amazing:

i woke up this morning feeling at peace and relieved. yesterday i woke up with him beside me feeling smothered and rushed.

heres to day 1! oh and also while reading your posts today i blocked him and his mom!

i know this is a good thing

thank you guys

heres to day 1! oh and also while reading your posts today i blocked him and his mom!

You GO girl!!!!!!

Keep up the good work, the longer you stay NC the easier it gets.

((((flossy))))

i blocked him and his mom!

i know this is a good thing

Yes yes yes! Stay NC. The longer you are NC, the more clarity you will get!

Flossy you need to start taking some steps to find your strength, and yourself.

Please read Codpendent no more.

Please make time to do one nice thing for you every single day, it may mean stopping and getting your favorite beverage from a coffee shop, it may mean getting a pedicure at the end of a long day, it may mean putting on your favorite tunes, and going for a long walk someplace you find peace and happiness in nature, or even taking a long bath with good glass of wine, and a funny book.

But as you start doing this you start making yourself the priority in your life, and then you realize it is ok to put you and your needs first.

The next thing you need to do is practicing saying no, and letting people sit with it.

"We are having a bar b q can you bring your famous pasta salad?" You say No but I will bring desert. When you start saying no you will realize the world doesn't spin off it's axis, and most people don't give a shit. Seriously. It is incredibly freeing, then you figure out you can tell the people that installed the never say no buttons no, it's like the skies open and angels sing. Trust me.

I would also like to see you do some things to make you feel better about you. Write some positive affirmations on post it notes, put one on your bathroom mirror, one on your fridge, one on your steering wheel, one on your computer monitor, and every time you look at it repeat it 5 times. And make up one new thing that is wonderful about you. Then every week switch those old ones out and make new ones. It doesn't take long and negative self talk tends to quiet itself.

You are young and smart, and brave, and strong, and fierce, and while this hurts like hell and is confusing and seems unfair right now, know that on the other side of this is a Flossy that will fucking conquer the world.

You rock!!!!

Great job !! Some day soon you are going to look back on this and be so happy that you dodged this bullet . You made the only right decision .

thanks for the recent replies. feel like i kind of needed them.

today feels hard to stay no contact because I am feeling quite mean. i feel this way because when we were hanging out last we had a really good time.

and my friend pointed out to me that i need to look at myself because im the only one being inconsistant.... hanging out with him then going no contact. hes being consistant in the fact that he wants to be together and hes showing me this in his actions. (counselling, confessions)

Tushnurse

do i appear codependent to you?? i am honestly curious as i would never think that of myself. because our whole relationship ive pursued all my dreams with or with out him. and it was a slight problem with him that i never put the relationship top priority.

i love the idea of treating myself haha. i find its what really keeps me happy. for instance tonight im going to watch a show with some tea and make some cookies.

tomorrow im going to go to a book store.

also small update.. i will know by tomorrow if i get accepted to go travel nursing (this means leaving this town)

what im really wondering is are these guilty feelings normal?? I feel like he is trying his hardest but i keep shutting him down after i let him in a little.

i have been having this idea this evening to text him and just say i am not angry with you anymore i just need space and thus i need to block you..just give him a reason

[This message edited by flossy at 9:17 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Absolutely you appear CoD. You are worried what others think. You don't want to be the bad guy. You are tying yourself into a pretzel to make sure that everyone is happy.

Fuck em. Like my Gran used to say they will get happy in the same pants they got mad in. As nurses we are carers and that leads to a slippery slope of people pleasing and finding our own happiness by doing whatever makes others happy. To that is the epitome of CoD behavior. And as the daughter of an alcoholic father and an abusive slightly narcissistic mother, well let's just say I never figured out who I was without it being based on pleasing others until I was a mom of 2 kids and was ready to D my high school sweetheart and couldn't stop the what if I onlys.

Finding me was a big part of my healing journey and sister I'm pretty freaking awesome.

*submarine wooga wooga noises*

Don't text him. NO CONTACT = NO TEXTING. Also no emails, calls, smoke signals, semaphore, carrier pigeon, interpretive dance, letters, etc.

Flossy. This douche CHEATED on you. That isn't consistent, that's as hot and cold as it gets.

And he. Is. A. Narc. Of course he "wants" you. You're a toy to him. He won't play with you but he damn well doesn't want anyone else playing with you either.

Def look up coD stuff. Also narcissistic abuse (that was eye-opening for me). And remember that whatever 'they' think doesn't live your life for YOU.

it was a slight problem with him that i never put the relationship top priority.

Okay. Now we have some insight into this clown. The above quote pinpoints him to a T. He “believed” you didn’t put the relationship “first” so therefore he cheated. That’s his reasoning and justification.

Here’s a mature relationship for you. You work a towards your goals and dreams. He does the same. And your healthy normal BF/GF relationship supports that. You come together to support each other.

He clearly has resentment issues over his “perceived” not being your TOP priority.

So let’s play this out. You marry and have kids. Let’s say 3 kids. And one day they all get sick with the flu. It’s all you can do or the next 48 hours to tend to your sick children. And Mr “I’m working on myself” gets mad b/c you didn’t fix his dinner or make his breakfast. Because your priorities are your children and their illness.

Think it won’t happen? Think again.

I’ve seen It with my friends who married guys just like yours. I had a friend 9 months pregnant with two young kids at home get up and go to the store to pick up her H’s lunch. Yes he was that much of a jerk!!!! And she just did it (for no good reason other than to keep the peace).

Yes I think you need to leave him. NOW!!!!

He’s blamed you all along for his actions— you just didn’t see it clearly. Hopefully this will give you added insight into his mindset.

And that won’t change b/c of therapy. No matter what he says he believes that he was not your priority. I’m certain he’s way off base but his inner child speaks loudly here.

That and the fact he’s a serial cheater — you deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:59 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]

You know another thought that has come to me about this that I wanted to share....

Flossy, think about the actual good men in your life. I dunno bout you, but I know quite a few really good stand-up men. You know what they don't do? They don't have to tell me they are good men. They don't have to get pats on the head for being good men. They don't need to tell everyone how good they are. They just ARE GOOD, quietly and without fanfare because that is WHO THEY ACTUALLY ARE.

IME, the men that have to constantly tell me about how 'good' they are... really aren't. 'Good' for these guys is a costume or persona they put on. And they need constant praise and accolades about it because they are rampantly insecure and need that acknowledgement so they can feel comfy in the guise they are trying on.

I've said it before on this thread, but the truth is if he was really 'working on himself' he would be doing that FOR himself, not for kibbles from you or his mummy or your friends. He wouldn't be playing his wee violins to you about it - and really that is just so so so manipulative. See because now he can say "I was trying to be better and she rejected me - poor me, so sad, much hurt, wah wah wah..." Just for flavor - I don't pain shop or look anything up, but a few months after my D was finalized, a friend of mine shared with me that my xwh had posted on his fb about "don't talk about his ex-wife because that made him so angry". When he and I first got together, I heard the same. exact. sentiments. about his first exwife - she was crazy, she was abusive, she hurt him, blah blah blah, and I bought it hook line and sinker. You can bet your ass that after everything, her words have come back to me and made me really look at him in a whole new (and very unflattering) light. Once is a fluke; more than once is a pattern. And yes people can change, but honestly for the majority, once they get into their late 20's/early 30's... they aren't likely to. The mere fact that your xwbf has to be tootling on constantly about all this 'work' he's doing IMHO is kinda proof that his reasons for doing so are pretty insincere.

This is just thoughts about this based on my experience, but I thought they were worth sharing.