Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
I am divorced!

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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 5:09 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

my own judge made a decision in violation of the rules of evidence which cost me $11,000 in an instant.

Yep, I had a similar problem. xWW took me to court for a temporary hearing and the judge's ruling at that time were ridiculously unfair and there was no opportunity for appeal at all. And then due to lawyer#2's incompetence/laziness in selecting a custody evaluator... trial was delayed a few months... and then COVID happened and... basically, I had to live under that unfair ruling for a year longer than I should have.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   路   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8692659
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 6:19 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Some genuine good news...

As part of my mental health fiasco from 2016-2019, my blood pressure was taken regularly and it was regularly high (like 130-140 over 85-95). I was put on medication for awhile, but once I stopped taking my antidepressants (per doctor's instructions)... I got lazy and I stopped taking my blood pressure medication too.

I went to the dentist yesterday... my blood pressure was 115/71. This was the third or fourth time in a row that my blood pressure was "good" rather than "high."

I am starting to think that the stress of infidelity, depression/anxiety, and divorce was the primary cause of my high blood pressure.

So, WINNING! laugh

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   路   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8692959
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:32 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Glad to hear you are doing well.

You point out something interesting. I often forget that along with the mental health trauma that BS's suffer, there is very often physical health trauma as well. I suppose it's because I didn't notice anything with my health, so it's easy for me to overlook.

posts: 1538   路   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   路   location: Maryland
id 8693292
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 4:01 AM on Sunday, October 17th, 2021

Wonderful news! All kinds of good things happen when you cut a cheater out of your life 馃榿. All that toxicity, both mental and physical, poof! Gone...

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   路   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   路   location: USA
id 8693671
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

More minor updates...

My attorney sent me an invoice yesterday for something, which afforded me the opportunity to request a copy of the brief that she submitted to the appellate court (I'm very tight on money right now and she charges me 0.1 hours for every email... so I might as well throw two stones with each email to save some $$$).

Wow. It's very well written. It's a little tricky because you're not allowed to introduce any new evidence and my lawyer handled that very well in part because she did such an excellent job at trial. Also, I had no idea how badly the judge screwed up my divorce ruling.

The main part of my appeal involves alimony and the fact that the judge awarded it at all. Basically, the prerequisite for alimony is that xWW needs to have a demonstrated financial need (i.e., her income is less than her budget). Her income, however, exceeds her budget by more than $800 per month. Although we had an expert witness testify to this (more or less), the judge did not provide any evidence of this in his ruling. This is the part of my appeal that my lawyer referred to as "the strongest case for appeal in my 20 years of practicing law" and the appellate mediator comments (offline) that "I don't see how opposing counsel believes they have any chance of prevailing." I mean, it's math and the math is not even close.

The second part of my appeal involves my salary, which we attempted to argue is about 25% overtime (overtime pay is not supposed to be counted towards alimony and child support decisions). I don't know the law here very well (it's confusing and I'm not a lawyer) but there are explicit statutes that define what is versus what is not overtime. Lucky for me, the judge literally cited pertinent facts as far as the statutes to classify my extra income as overtime and then made the opposite ruling anyway. This afforded my attorney to write basically "see, the judge admits that the underlying factors were properly established at trial to exclude this income but then he included overtime in his calculations anyway."

This part of my appeal is not financially very important (it's maybe worth ~$100 per month), but it would be really great for me to win this one for emotional reasons (i.e., beating my xWW in court). I've already decided that I'll most likely take any money that I get back from this and give it to my kids anyway (I'll put it in a savings account that I have for them that they don't really know about).

The bigger news is that I was given a timeline for how the appeal will proceed from here. Opposing counsel submits their brief in the next week and then we have two weeks to submit a rebuttal. After that, the court will schedule oral arguments (each side speaks for up to 30 minutes), which should be 30-90 days after we file our rebuttal (assuming the courts are not behind because of COVID). After that, the appeals court reaches its decision 30-90 days after oral arguments. So, I am probably looking at getting the decision on my appeal in March-July 2022.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   路   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8694327
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:21 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I know I'm not a lawyer and I don't understand all of the reasoning for why things operate the way they do.

I can't understand why it would take a judge (an expert in the law) 1-3 MONTHS! to make a decision after listening to an hour of dialogue. The judge should have reviewed the briefs submitted to the court prior to the hearing so they can ask questions. Sure, take some time to look up any rulings you may need, but damn!

Regardless, I hope that knowing the timeline now helps a bit. I'm the type where I can deal with having that information, even if I don't like, a heck of a lot better than having a big unknown. That stuff drives me nuts.

Good luck to you sir! Many of us will be anxiously awaiting an update after the new year!

On a side note, how are your kids doing? Last time you mentioned them it sounded like things were improving. I hope that is continuing.

posts: 1538   路   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   路   location: Maryland
id 8694502
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:35 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I can't understand why it would take a judge (an expert in the law) 1-3 MONTHS! to make a decision after listening to an hour of dialogue.

Its the built in declaration/response/rebuttal in our judicial system. Each motion or filing goes through that process and there's typically a 30 day to respond window between each. Once all the motions are ruled on the actual court case goes quickly. The 30-90 day window is dependent on whether one of the parties files another motion or response.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:36 PM, Friday, October 22nd]

posts: 792   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8694564
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

On a side note, how are your kids doing?

I think that they are doing really well... although you never know for sure.

We don't see much evidence that the parental alienation is working any more. I think all three of my kids have figured out that Mom is super bitter about the divorce and she says all sorts of awful/dishonest things about me... whereas I just plug along, being the best dad that I can be, and I never disparage their mother to them. They've started having their friends over to my new place, which really says that they're comfortable with my new situation.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   路   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8695019
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Hey Barcher - I'm really glad to hear that about your kids.

Parental alienation is a real thing... yet SO many parents can't seem to get it through their skull that the antidote is being a good parent. Not the "nice" one, or the "cool" one, but the SOLID one, cuz being cool or nice, or a pushover only means that kids will figure out that BOTH parents aren't really solid/trustworthy/have their backs. Kids DO figure it out, and I'm thrilled that's happened for you - IMHO, it's a testament to you working to be the best Barcher you can be.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   路   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8695020
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Parental alienation is a real thing... yet SO many parents can't seem to get it through their skull that the antidote is being a good parent.

This is true but dealing with parental alienation is unimaginably difficult.

I spent a lot of time figuring out where to set my boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries. It's not a stretch to say that parental alienation was the most difficult challenge of my life. It was WAY WORSE than dealing with xWW's infidelity.

I can easily imagine that parental alienation could lead to numerous murders and/or suicides. As Chris Rock once said: I don't agree... but I understand.

I still live in fear of the alienation kicking in again. In fact, I genuinely expect the alienation to ratchet up if I win this appeal.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 10:41 PM, Monday, October 25th]

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   路   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8695028
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:21 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Hey Barcher, I'm glad you have an end in sight. Spring 2022 will be here before you know it! And holy crap, was that judge thinking? Such a pain that you need to go through an appeal, but judges are human and they make human decisions (aka crappy!). I suppose we should be grateful that an appeal is available when those things happen.

It definitely looks like things are improving kidwise. Kids do not hang out and invite friends to places where they are not comfortable. Well done, Dad! Keep being solid and safe.

I fully expect your ex to unravel a bit when you win the appeal. It is good that you expect it as well. You will be ready. Always keep some kind of recording device on you and be prepared to use it if you are ever in her presence. She may get desperate and do or accuse you of something ridiculous.

I totally get the wanting to beat her in court thing. That is not the motive, but it will feel good after what she has put you through. Nothing wrong with that.

Keep us updated!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   路   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   路   location: USA
id 8695227
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