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Heartbroken ...

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Venus1 posted 3/25/2021 18:32 PM

A rather long update –

My WH sent me an email earlier this week that changed my path BIG TIME! In this email he used phrases like ‘this is a difficult time for me’ and ‘this is a tough transition for me’ and ‘I don’t want to get caught up in emotions’ while we figure out how to go through this next phase of our relationship. There was something about the ‘poor me’ attitude, making it all about him and the fact that he clearly DOES NOT UNDERSTAND what damage he’s done that set me off. Especially the ‘no emotion’ bit.

Essentially I had a full on panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my chest physically hurt, felt like I was crawling out of my skin, and I screamed at the top of my lungs (some hideous words too)! After I finished my temper tantrum, I responded (without emotion) with the following: Please answer the following question. Do you want a divorce? Please response with a yes / no response only.

My WH responded ‘yes, I’ve been moving that way since Jan 2020. I should have said something before having an affair, and I’m sorry you think I’m giving you no choice on the matter. But this affair showed me what I want. I hope in some way you find happiness somewhere with someone else. I can’t offer that to you anymore’. I didn’t respond.

Essentially I’ve got the answers I need (even though I already knew them) and my head and heart synced for the first time! Exit-affair, check. Blaming / gaslighting, check. Arrogance / entitlement, check. Complete total scumbag, check. NOT MY FAULT, check. I DESERVE BETTER, check.

I decided (after talking to my therapist) to write my WH a letter. A way for me to rip off the Band-aid, lay it down for him from my perspective, and take that BIG STEP to start letting go. No longer wanting to be held hostage by such a Narc cheating, lying husband. I wanted to share a few excerpts from my letter (sorry, it was long), because God did it feel empowering. It was raw, honest, and released me from taking responsibility for his behaviors.


I have waited since January 2nd for you to demonstrate real remorse for your affair. For you to show me that you care more about me than your self-interests. For you to demonstrate that you want to be a better man --- the kind of man I know you are capable of being and the kind of man you can always ‘choose’ to be. For you to wake up and realize that the resentment and anger you feel toward me is just a mechanism to justify your actions and to avoid addressing issues within yourself. Unfortunately, none of that has happened.

From my perspective, you have blamed, gaslighted, continued to lie, continued to talk to / engage with your affair partner, attempted to rewrite our marital history and have been cruel, beyond words. I can’t even begin to describe the amount of pain you’ve caused as a result. And saying that you ‘don’t want to get caught up in emotions’ just proves to me that you have no idea how much damage your behavior has actually inflicted. That your preference is to dismiss emotion and get this ‘over with’, when emotion can’t be removed from this situation and grief can’t be rushed.

I’ve learned very quickly that marriages don’t end because one partner cheats on the other. Marriages end because one person checks out of the marriage and stops trying. From where I sit, it seems very easy for you to cheat and very easy for you to walk away from our life together. I wish you didn’t take me / our marriage for granted and that when you started struggling last year, you were honest with yourself and the issues you were dealing with so that we could work on things. But, it makes sense now why you can’t get away fast enough to start your new life --- because you gave up on our marriage a long time ago. You say everything has to be on my schedule, but you have manipulated my time and I've had to play catch-up and push through my disappointment / sadness these past three months to even see what has really happened here. Your affair, our separation, you deciding that divorce is the only option --- all on your schedule.

Even though you should have known better than to break what you couldn’t fix and to do something you couldn’t take back, I have to thank you for the last 16 years! Well, the last 6 months have been the worst experience of my life, but before that. Our years together were the greatest years of my life up until now and it is rare to find someone that you can have so many wonderful memories with. I’ll be forever grateful for them. But, I also have to thank you for teaching me some incredible life lessons these past few months. You’ve taught me to love myself and to choose myself always. To never settle for anything less than I deserve. To know my worth. That it is better to be alone than to be cheated on. That my wants / needs in a marriage / relationship are the exact expectations I should have. These lessons are shaping me into who I am now becoming.

I hope you find what you are looking for. You say you want me to find happiness somewhere with someone else, but happiness doesn't come from someone else or a new relationship. Happiness comes from within. Hopefully this experience will show you why you are so unhappy with yourself, and why you have chosen such a self-destructive path.

Today he responded with a half @ss attempt at being empathetic: I did receive your email yesterday, I'm just processing before I respond to you. I did not realize how bad of a person you view me to you until I sat and read through your email. I am very sorry for all of the anxiety and stress I have put you through. I wish things were different.

On one hand I'm glad he actually read it, because I didn't think he would. But, on the other hand it shows he DOES NOT CARE and really does not understand how bad he messed up!

1. You didn't realize how bad of a person I think you are? What do you expect, to win 'husband of the year' award after treating me so badly and sleeping with a cam whore and lying / breaking your wedding vows to me? You not only had an EA/PA, but you abandoned me and left!
2. You are sorry for the stress and anxiety you put me through? Yea, you don't know the half of it @sshole! There is way more than just stress / anxiety that us BSs go through. Use the right brain instead of the penis brain already!
3. You wish things were different? What a cop out! It was always YOUR CHOICE to have this end differently!

Process all you want WH! Line drawn in the sand. You want a path forward --- send me your suggestions on how we should separate our assets. I'll provide it to my lawyer and she can hash it out for me.

Don't get me wrong all --- I know I'll still cry, I'll still go through the horrible cycles of grief, ruminate, self-blame, etc. I know the only way out of that is through --- and that is going to take a LONG TIME. But, I guess what I’ve realized is that I don’t want to hold my WH back from what he clearly wants (to be alone with his cam whore and her husband) and I don’t want to be held hostage in a relationship that is no longer serving me.

One day at a time, one day at a time. I'll get through this!

[This message edited by Venus1 at 6:51 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

Venus1 posted 3/25/2021 18:49 PM

@Bonetired, love me some AC/DC! 😊 Checked out those two songs and they’ve been added to my list.
Thank you for reminding me to look into the future a little and that I can have good things if I want. And thanks for sharing that you essentially are ‘indifferent’ to your wayward. I’d love to get there one day. But, the PTSD associated with this crap has caused so much damage. I have a lot to work on to recover from my WH narc behavior.

@thatbpguy, you are right! I just posted (take a look), but I ripped that Band-aid off and am leaving it where it is meant to be. On his lap!

grubs posted 3/25/2021 19:11 PM

Best thing I did was stop responding to her IMs and emails outside of what I had to for Divorce the day she left. Up to that point she had me and AP on tap to keep her "special". That and change my FB status to divorced right after she walked out the door. Well right after I changed all my passwords and canceled her credit cards.

Both those things pissed her off to no end and helped me focus on moving forward to my own better life. 10+ years down the road that was the best thing that happened to me. My only regret is I didn't pull the pin when she IM'd me on my birthday 9 months earlier with the ILYBNILWU speech. Fighting on after that was stupid.

Do yourself a favor and do the same with him. You deserve better. Live your better life. It will come sooner than you think.

He deserves the karma smackdown coming his way. WTH does he think Cam Girl with Husband is a long term prospect for anything but getting used as a ATM. SMH.

The1stWife posted 3/25/2021 19:22 PM

Woohoo 🙌 for letting him know exactly what he did.

Good to know he’s checked out a long time ago but just neglected to tell you.

And when his OW dumps his dirty ass for a different model please do not let him come crawling back and expect you will feel sorry for him. Because he sounds like that much of a jerk that would try something like that.

I love your happiness rant to him. Spot on. No one else can make you happy. It comes from within. You nailed it.

ChamomileTea posted 3/25/2021 20:53 PM

You say you want me to find happiness somewhere with someone else, but happiness doesn't come from someone else or a new relationship. Happiness comes from within. Hopefully this experience will show you why you are so unhappy with yourself, and why you have chosen such a self-destructive path.

I couldn't be prouder of you if you'd kicked him in the crotch.
And you're exactly right too. Happiness comes from within, not from inside a cam whore's crusty underpants.

Bonetired had an EXCELLENT point for you though, the goal is indifference. It's reaching "meh", so that one fine day, your WH is just going to be someone you used to know, not someone who takes up any brain space. Toward that end, try punching into your browser "gray rock psychopath" and read whatever articles you find. This is a great technique for presenting less of a target to the narc. You provide no drama, no kibbles, nothing interesting at all. Sometimes narcs get mean on the discard, so it protects you from his rages, but the byproduct of doing it is that it gets your "meh" started. You're faking the "meh" long before you're actually making it, and that's okay.

This guy has proved beyond any shadow of doubt that he's no longer someone who deserves access to your inner feelings and thoughts. A true narc will use those things to manipulate you if he can, or hurt you if he can't. There's lots of info online for divorcing a narcissist, and you might do well to spend some time researching. Whether yours is a full blown case or a guy with narcissistic "tendencies", he's not going to like it when he's not able to tell you what to do anymore. Best to be prepared. Present a small target and let your lawyer be the bad guy.

((big hugs)) You did great.

Bonetired posted 3/26/2021 03:56 AM

"Not from inside a cam whores crusty underpants!" Wrote that one down too.Yeah I hear you Venus.The PTSD still exists despite the meh.That's why I am here.So far it's helped a lot.There are a lot of good resources that can help you.Wished I would have known about this sight years before.Books recommended to me were 'Resilient'by Rick Hanson .Also 'The Body Keeps The Score.'Can't remember the author's name.Chamomile I think I will look up what you just recommended as well.One day at a time.Now is the time to love you.You get to do that.I know what he's done is convinced you and himself that you are unlovable.So not true.I sometimes feel like I am waging a war against the destructiveness despite the fact it has been years ago.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 5:24 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Freeme posted 3/26/2021 07:08 AM

Essentially I’ve got the answers I need (even though I already knew them) and my head and heart synced for the first time! Exit-affair, check. Blaming / gaslighting, check. Arrogance / entitlement, check. Complete total scumbag, check. NOT MY FAULT, check. I DESERVE BETTER, check.

You really do deserve so much better. I am amazed at how well you have handled this situation.

I have a hunch he is going to start running into $$ problems soon enough. He seems to have swapped a wonderful life for something so doomed. Married Cam-girl...internet hook-ups during a panademic...

I was going to push for you to tell the OBS but if you are headed for divorce you should keep him in the affair fog while the papers are drawn up. Also if he is a Narc it will make the divorce easier.

Try to go as low Contact as possible moving forward. I just reread all of the notes he sent to you in your last post. It's hard to pick out one - because they all seem so self absorbed.

‘this is a difficult time for me’ and ‘this is a tough transition for me’ and ‘I don’t want to get caught up in emotions’ while we figure out how to go through this next phase of our relationship.
I should have said something before having an affair,.... But this affair showed me what I want.
I did not realize how bad of a person you view me to you until I sat and read through your email.

I don't think he is mentally able to understand what he's done to you or the marriage...it's all him, him, him...

HalfTime2017 posted 3/26/2021 17:26 PM

Venus - You have your answer. I sense that even though you might have known in the back of your mind this was an exit, there was still some hope that maybe your exH would be remorseful and would try to come back and work things out. What you have now is clarity. Some might say he didn't give you a choice, but in fact you do have a choice. A choice to further reason and engage, or a choice to forge ahead and go NC.

NC and the 180 is your quickest path back to normal. I promise you that there is nothing at that end of that other rainbow. It'll just more of the same, more wasted time on someone that has already justified his actions. If you have not already notified other members of the family and friends, now is the time to blow it all up. Let everyone know how and why you're going to D. Than, use that exposure to steel yourself for the divorce. That is your only real path forward. No more waiting for him to get it, or to even understand your pain.

I'm 4 yrs out, and I still have not received an apology. And it will probably never come. Just don't expect them to GET IT.

No need to answer his emails about the dogs. If you've set up a schedule, just stick to it. No need to accomodate him. You just have to see him now as a douche, who deserves no empathy or favors in return. BC you know what, he won't be giving you any either.

Work on you, get out of limbo and out of infidelity. That is your path to healing.

Venus1 posted 3/26/2021 19:31 PM

He deserves the karma smackdown coming his way. WTH does he think Cam Girl with Husband is a long term prospect for anything but getting used as a ATM.

@grubs - He definitely deserves the karma smackdown coming his way. And when he realizes that he has thrown his whole life away, I'm not gonna be there to support or even listen to it. No more pity party! I even told him if he wants to go live with his cam gf and her husband to have at it because I don't want to be held hostage by him anymore. That the rose colored glasses will come off eventually and he'll see her ugly @ss for who she is --- a lying, cheating, manipulative, evil fake porn star, with no make-up and ugly pajamas.

Agree with needing to stop responding to all messages. Finishing up taxes and emails regarding the dogs are the only messages worth responding to moving forward. He's pretty pissed he can't control 'talking on the phone or in person' anymore. But, why subject myself to any further trauma or mistreatment?

I love your happiness rant to him. Spot on. No one else can make you happy. It comes from within. You nailed it.

@The1stWife - it felt so good to write this! He said on confrontation day that he felt justified in having an affair because he was so 'unhappy' the past year. I knew since then it was a cop out and that he wasn't unhappy with me, he was unhappy with himself. He thinks that he'll find happiness in someone else, when in fact he will carry this unhappiness with him everywhere he goes until he deals with his sh!t.

I couldn't be prouder of you if you'd kicked him in the crotch.
And you're exactly right too. Happiness comes from within, not from inside a cam whore's crusty underpants.

@ChamomileTea - This seriously made my afternoon. Crusty underpants!

You provide no drama, no kibbles, nothing interesting at all. Sometimes narcs get mean on the discard, so it protects you from his rages, but the byproduct of doing it is that it gets your "meh" started. You're faking the "meh" long before you're actually making it, and that's okay.
This guy has proved beyond any shadow of doubt that he's no longer someone who deserves access to your inner feelings and thoughts.

@ChamomileTea & @Bonetired - I'll definitely look up 'gray rock' and try this tactic out a bit. I figure I'm faking it until I make it right now, so I can fake 'meh' too until I actually make it.
But, you are right, I realized this week that my WH is no longer someone who deserves someone like me. I have been supportive, loving, caring, etc. and he took my heart and soul and threw it away. I'm doing a lot of research on narc tendencies right now, so I'll keep looking into how to manage that behavior. I do want to protect myself because I appreciate how fragile my emotions still are and how much work I need to do individually to heal.

I know what he's done is convinced you and himself that you are unlovable. So not true. I sometimes feel like I am waging a war against the destructiveness despite the fact it has been years ago.

@Bonetired - I have to say I do feel this way still! Something I'm trying to address in IC. His behaviors and his affair hit my self-esteem and self-love down about 50 notches! You really feel unlovable, not good enough, not sexy, etc. Completely messes with your mind! I've never been the type of person to look myself in the mirror and say 'damn girl, you look sexy' or 'damn girl, you look ugly', but these past three months I've definitely looked in the mirror and said 'yea, no wonder he cheated on you'. The inner critic is my worst enemy right now!

I am amazed at how well you have handled this situation....I have a hunch he is going to start running into $$ problems soon enough.... He seems to have swapped a wonderful life for something so doomed. Married Cam-girl...internet hook-ups during a panademic...I was going to push for you to tell the OBS but if you are headed for divorce you should keep him in the affair fog while the papers are drawn up.

@Freeme - Thank you for saying that! Somedays I feel like I'm completely failing. But, I am the type of person that can take only so much before I put my foot down and say 'no'. This week I reached that limit. As for $ problems, he's starting to see the pinch already. My response --- oh well, this is what you wanted! And the OBS, I've wanted to say something since I uncovered his phone number and mailing address (~1 month ago). He deserves to know and I have every intention of telling him.
However, I am keeping this close for a little while longer, as I need to play some cards right for the D. My state is community property and no-fault, and because I make more money, I need him to agree to not come after me for spousal support! So, I can leverage the fog a little, get that agreement in writing, then inform the OBS.

I sense that even though you might have known in the back of your mind this was an exit, there was still some hope that maybe your exH would be remorseful and would try to come back and work things out. What you have now is clarity. Some might say he didn't give you a choice, but in fact you do have a choice. A choice to further reason and engage, or a choice to forge ahead and go NC.
....Work on you, get out of limbo and out of infidelity. That is your path to healing.

@HalfTime2017 - You are the first one to refer to my WH as my 'exH'! That hits hard, but I need to stop referring to him as my 'husband'. He isn't acting like one and doesn't have the character or values to be a real husband to me (or anyone for that matter). He no longer deserves that title, does he? That you for that!
As for the exit-affair, I was in complete denial in the beginning. I not only didn't believe he could cheat, I did hold hope that he would be remorseful and the man from 3 years ago would come back to work on R. But, only my 5 year old man-child husband has shown up...
But, you are right, with clarity comes my ability to move forward. Sending him that email was such a step for me because I had my answers and I just said 'ok, I'm not going to engage in this anymore'. M Mad me feel for the first time since New Years day that I'm a little less in limbo and can start actually healing. It will take a year, or two, or three to do so, but I can see a better path.
Only way out is through, right?

ChamomileTea posted 3/26/2021 20:10 PM

Today he responded with a half @ss attempt at being empathetic: "I did receive your email yesterday, I'm just processing before I respond to you. I did not realize how bad of a person you view me to you until I sat and read through your email. I am very sorry for all of the anxiety and stress I have put you through. I wish things were different."

What struck me about this bit above in the quote box is the complete disconnect. Setting aside the sad sausage routine (the self-pity setting on the mindfuck channel), how could it NOT occur to him that nice people don't troll the internet for cam whores, find one, fuck it repeatedly, leave their wife for it, and still come out with a sterling reputation. You think he's a "bad guy" {sniff} {sob}. How does he NOT think he's a "bad guy"? What he did could be listed in the dictionary under "shit bad guys do".

We're sitting here on the other side of an anonymous keyboard, so it's EASY for us to see how how monstrous his ego is. What he's telling you with this nonsense is that he still thinks YOU should have a good opinion of him too. It's Impression Management, and this can also be described as a narcissistic tendency, so it's not going to sit with him too well when he figures out you're not buying it anymore. Limiting him to written correspondence will help you to not be taken in by it. It's much harder when all that bullshit is coming out of an old, familiar, formerly dear face. But when you can step back, like you did here, and take a clinical look at his behaviors, it makes everything so much more clear.

PricklePatch posted 3/27/2021 05:42 AM

I think it is telling he said aniexty and stress, but did not use the word pain. He is still not acknowledging your feelings.

You did good. Try and get 100 percent custody of your dogs. Make sure your name only is on the vet records or pet insurance. Also if you have chips on them make sure they are in your name. My understanding is dogs are considered property. Fur babies are so much more then property.

PricklePatch posted 3/27/2021 05:42 AM

I think it is telling he said aniexty and stress, but did not use the word pain. He is still not acknowledging your feelings.

You did good. Try and get 100 percent custody of your dogs. Make sure your name only is on the vet records or pet insurance. Also if you have chips on them make sure they are in your name. My understanding is dogs are considered property. Fur babies are so much more then property.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/27/2021 14:58 PM

Men look at women. I’m not naïve. And women look at men

Venus1, since my WH passed away a little over a year ago, I have so much more clarity now. Still struggling with my feelings for him and grieving but the clouds are definitely clearing.

I see this comment above as NOT the truth.

When my WH was alive, I wasn't going out flirting and checking other men out, I was too busy in my own life, being with my H, enjoying my kid's and animals.

Today, I definitely can say that this behavior is so inappropriate and disrespectful, a waywards mindset. And not everyone is doing it.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:45 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 3/27/2021 21:05 PM

Yesterday turned into an incredibly emotional day … I could NOT stop crying! I realized that my WH had 27 ‘friends’ on that interactive pornographic website, and there were more ‘chats’ than the chat I picked through with a fine tooth comb between him and the woman he had an EA/PA with in Nov/Dec. His affair stated well before the OW because he had virtual relations with upwards of 27 women on his profile (either via just sexting, chatting, virtual sex, playing sex games online together)! This hit me like a TON of bricks! My WH crossed the boundary well before I thought he did. I guess it doesn’t matter the quantity of OW, because one is enough to cause all this pain, I just didn’t realize that my WH was into that kind of thing or that he could even do something like this.


I know I'm a little behind in your story and am working to catch up.

I was reading SI the other day and saw that you posted a similar comment about your WH virtually interacting with 27 OW... it just about broke my heart for you!

Venus, this is heavy stuff. My WH did a lot of damage to me too. I don't think my H was into porn because he liked the real thing! I may off in my counting but so far I've been able to figure out that my H had at least 11 other women. I believe that he had two long-term affairs, several sexual encounters and I know at least one emotional affair and maybe more. Who knows really and I'm getting to the point I really don't care about how many, who, what or even where they did it. I just don't care because I feel there is something wrong with someone who would step outside their marriage and also something wrong with a women who would accept a married man.

Like I said in my last comment, my H passed away a little over a year ago and I am beginning to adjust to living life alone. Still have my down days and even with the new knowledge I've discovered over this past year, I am beginning to heal, just as you will too.

Anyone who behaves like my WH did and what your WH is doing is sick in the head. Healthy people don't do these kinds of things. My H looked perfectly fine on the outside but something in his thinking was way off. I see your H as this way too and the hardest part in all of this besides the shock of discovery, is the realization that the person who we gave our hearts to was not who we thought they were.

Another thing is after my H death, several months later both my kid's married their longterm partners and moved across the U.S. I was okay with being alone because it has given me time to grieve in private and to learn to be by myself again after almost 35 years with my H. I believe you will be fine and will heal also but it does take time.

The best things that I've done for myself has been to work at staying in the moment. There is something about being present that has helped me out of some difficult emotional situations. And if you are having an extremely difficult day, just remember that at the end of that day, the sun will set and the day will be over. Sometimes I still crawl into bed early if I am feeling really down and it's okay to do this... and for you too, if you need it.

I'm sorry that you also have found yourself on this sad journey, Venus but I promise you that in time, there will be better days ahead.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:12 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]

Venus1 posted 3/29/2021 18:07 PM

Setting aside the sad sausage routine (the self-pity setting on the mindfuck channel), how could it NOT occur to him that nice people don't troll the internet for cam whores, find one, fuck it repeatedly, leave their wife for it, and still come out with a sterling reputation. You think he's a "bad guy" {sniff} {sob}. How does he NOT think he's a "bad guy"? What he did could be listed in the dictionary under "shit bad guys do".

@ChamomileTea - My thoughts exactly! What he did could easily be the definition of 'bad guy'. I don't know how my WS can think I'd want to be his best friend right now or that he was 2020s 'husband of the year'! And 2021, he hasn't shown any remorse, completely abandoned me and threw me away, or done anything to make this easier for me, so again, 'bad guy'. And you know what? It fits the narc tendencies perfectly! Narcs don't like to be seen in a negative light. The fact that I actually called him out and made him feel like the 'bad guy', he needs to try and get me to see him as the good guy again. He needs more 'supply' to boost his perfect image / ego of himself.

You know what's interesting? He came over to the house Sunday to drop off the dogs. I just happened to look out of the window and saw him get back into his truck. He was wearing a wife beater tank top and no baseball cap (like he usually wears). First thing I thought was 'he hasn't worn a wife beater tank top since he was 25 years old' and 'he hates showing off his arms'. Then I realized, another narc tendency. Trying to get that validation through this new 'look' he's created for himself! I just can't un-see the narc tendencies it now. That combined with a self-identity mid-life crisis and trying to reinvent himself to be younger and something that he's not. Man-child!

I think it is telling he said anxiety and stress, but did not use the word pain. He is still not acknowledging your feelings.

@Pricklepatch - right on! He has ZERO concept of the pain he has caused. And the half @ass response just proves he doesn't get it.

I had a dream last night that he truly acknowledged my feelings in front of a VA therapist. He asked me to attend a session with him and I went, and he said all the things I wanted him to say these past three months. But, I don't think that will ever happen.

Truth is, I have lost a lot in a very short period of time, but losing these things was never my choice. I’ve not only had to deal with my husbands ‘exit-affair’, but his abandonment in my marriage and our life as well. Because of what has transpired these past few months, I am suffering from PTSD, anxiety, abandonment, etc. I wish he would take time to learn how an affair and abandonment effects a betrayed partner, as it might help him understand how a simple statement may impact me. But, then again, I've learned that some wayward don't really care to learn.

I'll include this part of my email one more time ...

You’ve taught me to love myself and to choose myself always. To never settle for anything less than I deserve. To know my worth. That it is better to be alone than to be cheated on. That my wants / needs in a marriage / relationship are the exact expectations I should have.

Even though every day truly SUCKS, and my WS doesn't really understand the pain he has caused, I am truly learning and believing these things as time goes on. I hope I find them empowering for months / years to come.

Healthy people don't do these kinds of things. My H looked perfectly fine on the outside but something in his thinking was way off. I see your H as this way too and the hardest part in all of this besides the shock of discovery, is the realization that the person who we gave our hearts to was not who we thought they were.

@Hurtmyheart - you are speaking my language! I feel like my WS was fine on the outside, but was fighting demons on the inside and never told me the true extent of it. Whether it be his narc tendencies, his PTSD from military service, or just that he was 'broken' by some even that happened the past two years, he didn't own up to it.

I have realized that the man I love doesn't exist anymore. The man who protected me, who loved me, who always had my back, and who never would have cheated and continued to cheat, even though he saw how much pain it caused is gone. That's why this is so hard! I'm starting to grieve someone that disappeared two years ago. It breaks my heart to admit that to myself. In fact, I try to remind myself the things my WS has said and how he's acted, because that is who he is 'now'. That person from a few years ago likely won't come back.

Bonetired posted 4/1/2021 16:30 PM

Oh venus.I'd give you a hug if I could. He may have thought he loved you in his own sick little way but never truly grasped what love really was.He probably never will understand that.He may find someone down the road who will accept him for his defective love language.There are women out there who do sad to say.Also he may not who knows.The one thing I find hope in is you are getting out of that.Your life has hope.It has a future without that sick bastard you were married to.It's ok to mourn the loss of the man you thought you were in love with.I know you understand it's ok too.It still hurts though and will for awhile.I sometimes think it's harder than if a spouse died.Not that a situation like it is easy however with what you are going through you are not only in mourning for your spouse but you are also dealing with rejection and betrayal.Not to mention a whole lot of mental,emotional abuse.It's a heaping pile of sh*"t that's for sure.Well,get your shovel out baby and start digging!You have purpose and a life to live!I am excited for you in that regard.No matter how long it takes one day you will be glad that the sorry excuse of a husband is out of your life and you may even find something that is real down the road.For now it's big hugs from all of us I am sure. This stuff is like a healing wound.Sometimes you go through the pain to heal.It let's you know you can still feel something and are alive Like the nerve endings growing back from a major cut.You are in a mending phase I suppose.Tend to it carefully so it doesn't get infected.We love you Venus stay strong girl.You got this.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 4:41 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

Venus1 posted 4/1/2021 18:29 PM

I’d give you a hug right back @Bonetired!

I know I’m making my way out of infidelity and a narcissistic abusive situation, and I’m incredibly proud of myself. But, you are right … this is a ‘heaping pile of sh*t’ to go through! My heart is still broken, and I’m faking it until I make it.

I told my friend the other day that I got ‘dumped’ and she started giggling thinking I was joking around like we did back in high school. When she realized I was serious, she started crying. During our talk I realized that my WS hasn’t told me he misses me since I confronted him. Ouch! Unbelievable how easy it was for him to walk away and throw away 17 years.

I know that my WS will likely love someone else (might even already with the AP) and even get married again one day. Makes me so angry! Why does he get to be ‘happy’ and married to someone new after discarding me so easily? Of course I know that is false happiness if in fact he doesn’t work on himself and fix his issues. Still!

I started reading the book ‘The Journey from Abandonment to Healing’ and it’s helping me understand my feelings and why this is so difficult. To use your analogy, a scab can easily be peeled off. My therapist told me to not be sucked back into the quick sand of wallowing or sadness or his narc behaviors, because then that wound becomes fresh. I want to do everything to not expose it again!

Venus1 posted 4/1/2021 18:47 PM

Today marks 3 months post D-day and I had to share something great that happened! Proof that maybe I am getting a little stronger every day? Especially after writing him that letter last week.

My WS was scheduled to pick the dogs up at 6pm and he showed up 20 min early. I was rounding the corner of the street from walking the dogs and BOOM ... there he was. I was so mad that he was there because it meant I had no choice but to interact with him (ie, hand off the dogs directly vs exchange via the dog crate in the garage where I don't have to see him). Another way for him to control or keep in touch -- classic narc tendency!

As I came closer to the house, I started getting more and more angry inside, but kept my calm. I just handed him the leashes and didn't say anything and started walking up the driveway. My WS said "So, that's how it's gonna be, huh? You aren't ever going to talk to me again?". I flipped around and gave him a lashing!

"What exactly do you expect me to say? You put your d#ck into some woman's p#ssy and instead of being remorseful you've blamed me, been flat out mean and moved out. You want to be best friends? You want the 2020/2021 husband of the year award? You want me to to be nice and say 'hit me one more time'? If I don't want to talk to you, I won't talk to you."

Well, the look on his face was that of shock and awe. I gave one of those 'no retort' kinda looks when he said he knows how much he's hurt me and that things are truly awful right now. So, I just told him that he should be happy because he got everything he wanted and to never show up 20 min early again. I wasn't about to let him walk all over me!

Oh, and remember how I told you he was 'processing' my email and that he would respond soon? It's been over a week since I sent that letter, and nothing. Surprised? No, I don't think so.

[This message edited by Venus1 at 6:49 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

Freeme posted 4/1/2021 19:04 PM

Well, the look on his face was that of shock and awe. I gave one of those 'no retort' kinda looks when he said he knows how much he's hurt me and that things are truly awful right now. So, I just told him that he should be happy because he got everything he wanted and to never show up 20 min early again. I wasn't about to let him walk all over me!
I love this! Thanks for sharing you've made my day.

You are going to be just fine without him and are going to end up with someone far better. Meanwhile he will have just what he wanted a married cam girl with no morals.

fareast posted 4/1/2021 19:47 PM

This is wonderful Venus1! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍👍. Keep it up and thank you for sharing!

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