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Let's talk about sex....

messyleslie posted 1/6/2021 01:51 AM

I wasn't sure where to post this, but it seems like this forum might be the best place to find people who have walked my current path and are further down the road.

I'm 2 months post legalizing my divorce, 14 months post physical separation and probably like 24 months post in house separation. We tried to reconcile for a LONG time, and I was in IC throughout the entire process so it feels like in some ways I am maybe more healed than others in my same situation and in other ways way further behind since the legal part of it is still brand new.

We were married for 11 years, dated for 6 years prior to marriage. I had sexual partners prior to my ex and always felt like I had good physical relationships with my partners (not a ton of people, but some longer term boyfriends) - I enjoyed sex and wanted to have sex. One year into our dating relationship my ex lived long distance for a summer for a job and he ended up kissing (or maybe more - who flipping knows at this point.... but he maintains it was nothing more than that) another girl while there. Once I found out I was obviously super hurt but convinced myself he just made a mistake and it was fine. I think from that though I took away that I was fulfilling this sex need for him and if I wasn't there that he would just fill the need with someone else. I started to feel a little like a commodity. And I legit stopped having a good sex life with him.

It was not not good, but it just wasn't as fun or frequent or passionate as it had been and it often felt like a duty and that wasn't a great feeling. We got married and kids and I was pregnant or breastfeeding or both for 7.5 years straight. Our sex life sucked and I think I took a lot of that on myself, thinking there was something wrong with me. My ex obviously contributed to that feeling for me - but now that I am out of it I see that much of it had to do with doing 100% of the parenting, housework and dealing with an abusive alcoholic who wasn't always nice to me and I didn't trust.

So fast forward - he has a mental breakdown, has an affair, etc. We try to reconcile and there is some hysterical bonding that occurs. It dies out fairly quickly because he is still drinking, has a mental illness, etc. But this all is about the time I stopped breastfeeding my youngest and I think the hormones plus the hysterical bonding made me realize that I actually do really like sex.

So now I am here, realizing that maybe I'm not an cold prude like my ex would have said I was, and the thought that now that I am realizing this about myself and I am alone and cannot have sex is like super frustrating. I think I wrap sex up with emotions a lot, and with the previous boyfriends even though I wasn't in love, they hadn't hurt me and maybe once my ex deeply hurt me I just could never recover from that? Or maybe it felt more like an obligation and like I didn't have a choice since I thought if I didn't he would leave me?

And I in no way want a relationship AT ALL, but I would love for someone to come over after my kids are in bed and we can have some wine and chat or whatever, have sex and then he leaves, until the next time our schedules line up and that happens again.

I feel like its so awkward to talk to my married friends and be like I just really want to have sex - they cannot relate and they don't have any advice for me so it just seems pointless. But like am I going to have to wait years to have sex again?

I don't know - is this a common stage in post divorce? How do you get through it? Ugh....

Karmafan posted 1/6/2021 13:50 PM

MessyLeslie,

Nothing wrong with wanting to let your hair down. No reason to feel guilty either. I think a lot of us went through a similar phase...

I did it for about six months post divorce and it was very nice indeed :) It helped me reconnect with myself and feel desirable again after years of feeling invisible.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/6/2021 16:11 PM

MessyLeslie - I'm going to be Captain Obvious here, but you're a women. You can literally have sex 20 times a day with 20 different men if you wanted. Its really that easy and available to you. Its a lot harder for guys, but for girls, you just literally snap your fingers and guys will line up to do you.

I know you're not looking to be the town doorknob, but just know, that anytime you are even willing to have sex, there will be a line of dudes willing and able.

With that said, I think you're more interested in a FWB type situation. Someone you kinda like, get along with and maybe can have a relationship with, but you just don't want a relationship. I think you can still achieve this if you get online and let people know as much. Just put up 1 profile. I say 1 b/c you'll be overwhelmed if you have multiple dating profiles broadcasting for FWB. In your tag line, or what you're looking for section, put "casual dating". After my Divorce, or actually after my separation and when I was ready, I put up a couple of Online profiles and met a lot of great and interesting people. I don't know your age, but lets just say, you won't have any problems.

You're free now. Go have some fun. Oh and by the way, I did date a few women with young kids, and did exactly what you said. I'd come over, usually after 8PM and we'd hang out, have wine and enjoyed each others company while the kids slept. Of course the kids would come out sometimes, but really not an issue. Good luck and HAVE FUN.

Fablegirl posted 1/6/2021 19:52 PM

To be frank, I was like an animal let out of a cage once I started divorce proceedings. No regrets. I went on OLD and revisited the past with an old boyfriend. I regard that as part of the arc of my healing (now nearly four years out from D day). Also, my interpretation of what you wrote is that you were the parent in your marriage, so nothing can kill the mood worse than acting in that role. Dating (and finding suitable sexual partners) allows one the opportunity to reinvent oneself, and that is another plus. I wouldn't expect much insight from married friends on this topic.

silverhopes posted 1/6/2021 20:28 PM

There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with enjoying sex and wanting to enjoy some!

And I in no way want a relationship AT ALL, but I would love for someone to come over after my kids are in bed and we can have some wine and chat or whatever, have sex and then he leaves, until the next time our schedules line up and that happens again.

That sounds very fun. Want to do something like that too.

Its a lot harder for guys, but for girls, you just literally snap your fingers and guys will line up to do you.

But not necessarily the guys who we would want to hook up with. I don't just mean "they're not the stud" or whatever - I mean, the majority of the guys who are "available" to us are the ones who don't have boundaries, who already overstep them even when we HAVEN'T expressed an interest in sex. Very rarely are the respectful guys available for sex if we "snap our fingers". *And I'm not saying most or even many guys are like this - the majority are kind, decent people - but unfortunately the ones who are available to us seem to be the ones who make us the most uncomfortable. I'm guessing they wouldn't be very considerate in bed either, if they aren't even considerate of basic boundaries.

Sorry for the rant - that's something that always crosses my mind when people say it's easy for women to "get" sex.

crazyblindsided posted 1/6/2021 21:24 PM

This post actually helped me to read that Iím not alone in feeling like there was something wrong with me. I used to love sex but as soon as my STBX started nitpicking then having kids and me taking care of kids, working, etc I lost the spark with him. He then blamed me for not wanting sex and he was right I didnít feel like having sex with him nor was I attracted to him anymore. He did not make me feel wanted or loved. He was void of emotional intimacy and sex became a chore.

Iím hoping when I am ready to date I will feel like a sexual being again. Have fun in your new adventures and let us know how it goes

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:25 PM, January 6th (Wednesday)]

deena04 posted 1/7/2021 00:21 AM

You are very normal and itís OK, but please be careful, use protection, etc. There are weirdos out there, so have safety measures in place, too. Thatís my mom voice tonight.

Lalagirl posted 1/7/2021 08:16 AM

town doorknob


Just when I thought I'd heard them all...

twicefooled posted 1/7/2021 09:03 AM

Count me as someone else that thought she lost her groove because her manchild ex husband convinced her she was a prude - he even accused me of being gay because how could I NOT want a piece of him?

I am also another one that went a bit nuts once I let loose.

The old adage "it's easier to get over someone once you get under someone" is true in my case

WhoTheBleep posted 1/7/2021 09:41 AM

Great responses above. I'm just going to add that I am hornier and more interested in sex now, than I ever was in my marriage. All that walking on eggshells was exhausting. WH and I had some great sex, yes-- but it definitely felt like a chore at times, not gonna lie. must have been all that cutting me down he did day in and day out. Sometimes I felt like I was just doing it to "make him like me" or "keep him happy." It never worked by the way.

I totally feel your sentiments, messy. The only thing I haven't done is had men at my house when my kids were there. They do occasionally wake up and come downstairs. Just not going there with them. They've had enough strangeness and uncertainty these past few years. I need to be solid 24/7 for them.

Halftime is right, it is very easy for women to have sex. Finding a man we actually want to have sex with though... That is the challenge. I'm very picky. He has to have the right combination of qualities, and I can't even really explain what. Chemistry... It's either there, or it isn't.

Go out there and have fun, and stay safe always!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:42 AM, January 7th (Thursday)]

messyleslie posted 1/7/2021 10:38 AM

Thank you all for the responses - I'm glad I'm not alone.

And yes - I realize I could find someone to have sex with at any moment, but that does not seem appealing to me at all. My all around bullshit tolerance has gone down and throughout my divorce and separation I realized I have zero patience for a lot of people's nonsense. I have zero interest in giving any time to someone I don't actually like spending time with. So I guess thats the issue - yes I do just want a FWB type of thing, but I actually want to like them and be good friends with them. And I realize I would probably have feelings and I'm not ready for that so....

WhatTheBleep - while I said that I would want someone to come over in the evenings, I don't actually think I would do that. And I think that is my biggest issue with all of this. My kids were basically abandoned by their father - he has zero custody. He comes and visits them, but its sporadic. I think I spent all of my marriage filling the gaps he made and now I am having to be super mom. It is my sincerest hope that my children never ever feel like I don't want to spend time with them or that they are second to someone I am dating. So all that to say - I have them 24 hours 7 days a week - in order to date I would need a babysitter and I don't want to be the single mom who is getting a babysitter all the time so I can go around and meet men. So it sort of feels like its just on hold an isn't going to happen. I don't see how logistically it would - and that just feels like a super big bummer. It feels incredibly unfair.

I've talked to my therapist a bit about this and she is having me question the thought that my kids would experience a babysitter as me not wanting to spend time with them. And I think I will get there at some point. But pandemic makes it a non issue regardless. I was sort of hoping that by the time this had all passed I would be ready to go out there...

I listened to a podcast where a woman who was a widow talked about after her husband died her sister posted on Facebook and asked if anyone would come over and make out with her widowed sister during naptime and I just was like yep thats me hah. I need a Stella gets her groove back moment :)

tushnurse posted 1/7/2021 10:57 AM

Nothing absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to go have some fun, or even have a Friend with Benefits situation.

Just be careful, protect your heart - no emotional involvement until you heal you more, and use protection ALWAYS, even if. You don't want to come out of this with something permanent. (That's the nurse talking).

But Hells yah go get some!

BentandBroken posted 1/7/2021 19:44 PM

To add another perspective...

Just last week I ended things with my FWB. Several reasons. He seemed to be wanting more, I felt pressure to spend more time with him than I was willing to give, it wasn't filling the hole my ex left, and most importantly, I realized my relationship with him was interfering with my healing.

To be fair, I was only 6 months out from Dday when I decided to "get my groove back." Waaaaay too early. In hindsight, I was selfishly looking for validation of myself as a partner and more specifically, my sexuality. My xWH also made me feel like something was wrong with me because I was having intimacy issues, which were actually TRUST issues. He was telling anyone who would listen that we hadn't had sex for a year (lie) so of course he had to cheat. I'm still so mad about this!!!

So, yeah, I now know I'm not a total prude. Turns out I'm all about having sex with guys who aren't sleeping with my friends, or their co-workers.

But I also wound up hurting a seemingly nice guy in the process. I say "seemingly" because how would I know? My picker is all f'd up, given that I'm on my second xWH. Anyway, FWB became too attached and I was no where near ready for it. Even making things clear up front, with periodic reminders along the way that we were just FWBs...I still wound up hurting him.

Not to say don't move forward, messyleslie, only to share my experience.

Here's to jumping back on the horse, so to speak.

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