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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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squid posted 1/7/2021 08:28 AM

The ultimate goal for any couples therapist is to keep the couple together. This is all fine and dandy when both spouses are actually invested in the marriage are whole-heartedly looking to fix it.

But your WW has shown she is/was not invested in it, at least for a period. And she has shown that she can rationalize betraying you in order to fulfill her wants and needs. THIS is what needs to be fixed FIRST. Then, you can both focus on fixing the marriage.

You're trying to skip steps in the process. Unfortunately, most therapists do this. As others have already pointed out, the therapist will be your WW's enabler in all of this. Even if the therapist knows the whole story, he will only be focused on steering you in one particular direction even if one of you is not fit to do so.

While your WW is in with the counselor, she'll be spinning her own version of the "truth" - leaving out or twisting facts. Cheaters lie, in case you didn't know.

I know this from my own experience. It's a recipe for disaster.

Marriage counseling should be off the table at this stage. The two of you work on yourselves, separately with different counselors.

DanielJK posted 1/7/2021 08:32 AM

Seriously,

...I think my wife had an affair...because she has serious character flaws...hopefully she can find a good IC to help her address those flaws and start being a better person...

tikismom posted 1/7/2021 13:31 PM

That assignment on why you think she had an A is awful. I am sorry.

You can give why though: She was selfish & she wanted to do it.

tushnurse posted 1/8/2021 10:48 AM

Mr Fibble - I hope we haven't chased you off.
We want you to continue to post, and communicate.

We are voices of experience, and know that you are hurting, lost, and remember that pain.
WE also know what works and what doesn't to heal and get healthy.

Please know that the advice we offer is from our experience, and for some of us years of being here, and literally thousands of experiences. While each story is unique the responses and actions of cheaters is pretty darn predictable.

Hang in there and don't be afraid of the advice. Take what you need and leave the rest, but if something really pisses you off or causes a visceral reaction in you it needs to be explored.

MrFlibble posted 1/9/2021 06:19 AM

Yeah, trying to put any blame for her affair on me won't work, trust me. I had mine second session on thursday and it went well. No blame shifting, she's just trying to know us better I guess.

You didn't scare me away, I want to hear your thoughts and ideas. But we got (wife and I) into a car accident yesterday so we are dealing with the aftermath now. It was a head-on collision but we got out pretty well (thanks Volvo!). I just have a broken finger and my wife is OK, apart from some cuts. Life just keeps giving

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 6:20 AM, January 9th (Saturday)]

oldtruck posted 1/9/2021 08:18 AM

A Volvo?

Do you wear your pants with a belt and suspenders at the
same time?

Shockedmom posted 1/9/2021 10:20 AM

Glad your injuries are minor. Huge fan of Volvos here.

MrFlibble posted 1/9/2021 14:47 PM

A Volvo?
Do you wear your pants with a belt and suspenders at the
same time?

No idea what you mean by that.


Glad your injuries are minor. Huge fan of Volvos here.

Thank you, we were lucky. Our next car will be Volvo again.

My wife is shaken, obviously. We slept in our bed last night, together. This was the last thing we needed right now, but what can we do.

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/9/2021 16:05 PM

You are not having a good winter, this is the last thing you need.

Take care of yourself and the kids...and yes Mr F too. You are the only responsible family member.

My XW and I were in a car crash about a year before things began to fall apart. She told me that while she was spending a night at the hospital she looked back on her life and said it was OK but she wanted something more...I always felt there were 4 major reasons why she strayed and the car crash was one of them.
Your WW may look at it as another (in addition to the affair) time where everything could have been lost and start to freak out...you might too.

oldtruck posted 1/9/2021 16:38 PM

No idea what you mean by that.

if you have to explain it...

extra safety step

GoldenR posted 1/10/2021 13:46 PM

For your homework on why your WW had the A, I'd simply write 2 words on a piece of paper that said, "Ask her".

F that dumb shit.

MrFlibble posted 1/11/2021 06:30 AM

Yeah, my answer was that she wanted to. But I guess none of this matter anymore.

Last night my W initiated sex and I really tried, but after maybe 2 minutes I just couldn't go on. The images were too much, she tried to pull me back in but I kept drifting away. So we stopped and I told her this morning I just can't do this anymore and I want to divorce

Tigersrule77 posted 1/11/2021 06:43 AM

How did your WW react to your statement?

If you are certain about this, what is your next step? Have you reached out to an attorney?

I'm glad yo have figured out what you want for your future. D is very rarely an easy decision, but sometimes (like for me) it is for the best.

DanielJK posted 1/11/2021 06:44 AM

Iím sorry to hear that.

This is not easy, but you have to live in your own skin. Living uncomfortable is no way to live.

faithfulman posted 1/11/2021 06:45 AM

Yeah, my answer was that she wanted to. But I guess none of this matter anymore.

That was the most accurate answer to a stupid and offensive question that should never have been asked.


Last night my W initiated sex and I really tried, but after maybe 2 minutes I just couldn't go on. The images were too much, she tried to pull me back in but I kept drifting away. So we stopped and I told her this morning I just can't do this anymore and I want to divorce


You seem like a pretty resolute guy, but you are probably entering the "rollercoaster phase" where you want a a divorce one day, and may feel the opposite the next.

However, if you do end up divorcing and your wife is upset about it - these are the fruits of cheating - the destruction of trust, desire, and the basic "glue" of the partnership of the union of two people who were supposed to have committed to be together.

Cheaters so frequently think they can just turn back the clock and it will be the same again. Cheatings kills a certain specialness in a relationship that cannot be retrieved. It can't be the same again, even if they do everything right after being busted and the couple ends up staying together.

Stevesn posted 1/11/2021 09:45 AM

Sometimes cheating of any sort is an absolute dealbreaker. Itís understandable.

But honestly I suspect you are several months away from really knowing what you want. As others have mentioned it will be a roller coaster of emotions.

I canít remember, are you working with a therapist who specializes in emotional trauma? Before you make any decisions you should be. They can help you sort through to find what you truly want and what path you ultimately should take.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/11/2021 18:34 PM

This might sound odd, but congratulations, you have now made it passed the most difficult part of the post-cheating life: deciding to divorce.

There is nothing wrong with cheating being a deal breaker, it certainly was for me.

I promise that the sun will continue to rise in the East.

Yes, you are still hurting. Yes, there are still bad days ahead of you. However, the pain will lesser, the number of bad days will decrease and the time between the bad days will get bigger and bigger..

Please reach out to friends and family and lean on them.

Now that you made the decision, there is no benefit to delaying the process, the sooner you get the ball rolling, the sooner you will heal.

Stay strong and good luck.

The1stWife posted 1/11/2021 20:20 PM

Iím sorry it came down to deciding to D. Itís all a hard decision - D or R or something in between.

The counselor who asked the ďwhyĒ question - not someone who will be helpful at all. I suggest you find someone new. My therapist never asked why my H cheated. We just focused on the fact he cheated.

Iím sorry your life is upended right now. But I am a fan of Volvo cars. Glad your injuries were not severe.

Keep posting either here or in the Divorce section. We are here to help.

ramius posted 1/11/2021 21:01 PM

So we stopped and I told her this morning I just can't do this anymore and I want to divorce

If its a deal-breaker for you then so be it. Everybody is entitled to have a line in the sand. And your does not have to be the same as anyone else's.

How has your WW been handling the news?

Bigger posted 1/12/2021 11:35 AM

For some reason people ask their spouse for a divorce or tell them they want to divorce. Maybe itís from the good-old-days where a reason had to be given, and the spouse could even prevent a divorce if there were no grounds. You basically had to hope your spouse hated you enough to want to end the marriage.
WellÖ Not anymore. If you want to D then you just D.
Divorce isnít a present someone gives you. Divorce is an action Ė something you do.

If you want to divorce then take the actions to divorce. Filing is definitely one of them, but look into all the other aspects. Start gathering information on the division of assets, pension, savings, homeÖ

That new Volvo? Skip it for now. Get a beater or even rent a car for the next couple of months. At the very least pay up front in cash with an agreement over who gets it and at what value 30-60 days from now. Doesnít make sense to add to your assets (or debts if you lease) when you are going to be calculating the split in a few weeks or months.
Cancel the Marriage Counseling sessions. If you are divorcing the money is better spent with an attorney.

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