MrFlibble - I am not discouraging you from pursuing reconciliation. Your situation appear to be a better candidate for reconciliation than average.
Still a very difficult proposition.
But in order for reconciliation to work out, you can't feel manipulated into it, or have nagging doubts eating at you.
For this reason, I believe in taking a "hardline stance" where the cheater has to earn their way back and makes a true effort to win back trust, not have the betrayed spouse break down feeling sorry and take back the the cheater because the cheater now feels so sad now that they have been busted.
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BACK TO THE THERAPIST
The therapist gave you homework to figure out why your wife cheated??
This is literally what I am talking about when I say the therapist is your wife's and that it is a conflict of interest. in fact it is genius blameshifting!
Instead of the cheater and therapist cooking up the "reasons" (excuses) and presenting them to you until you bite, you are being asked to provide the rationale and reasons on behalf of your wife.
It's kind of a way for you to tell them how to make her behavior acceptable.
It may not seem like it, but that is what is happening.
Consider this: As Thumos has made the case, infidelity is a form of abuse, it abuses your trust, your heart, your commitment, and betrays your vows and family. It turns your world upside down and wrecks you mentally and emotionally.
MENTAL EXERCISE: You are an abusive husband, you hit your wife, maybe verbally abuse her too - and your therapist asks her to join your sessions. He says to her: "Your homework is to figure out why your husband hits you"
The victim is bring asked to explain the harmful actions of the abuser. Does that make any fucking sense at all?!?
I have an answer for you to give them:
I thought my wife had a solid character, was trustworthy, and would not seek the attention of men outside of our marriage to validate herself. I thought she had empathy, and cared about how her actions would harm me. I thought she respected her vows, and respected herself. I thought that she would never even consider ducking into cars for a quickie to let herself be violated for cheap validation and phony words from an obvious sleazebag.
But I was obviously wrong about that, and that's why I think she did it.
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PLEASE, AT LEAST DO THIS:
Take control of the information exchange. Stipulate that anything that your wife tells her therapist (And this is her therapist) must be communicated to you.
First, you get a full download of every last thing she has told the therapist.
Second, if she tells the therapist any secrets, anything new, it is communicated to you immediately.
Third, any question you ask of either your wife or the therapist must be answered in full, truthfully, and immediately. Not she is/you're not ready yet"
NO SECRETS.
It is unlikely to happen even if they agree to it, but it level-sets that nothing less than full honesty and complete transparency from both of them is acceptable, and it will tell you who the therapist is really working for.
And it is too bad, because if you weren't against surveillance, you could plant a VAR that looks like a pen or a thumb drive and you would know what the real skinny is.
I really hope this works out for you.
[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:26 AM, January 7th (Thursday)]
