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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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MickeyBill2016 posted 2/8/2021 17:27 PM

Good luck to you and Mrs F as well.
These forums are like an emergency room or intensive care. You need it when a marriage crashes.But you don't hang out in the ER forever.
Now its time to move towards recovery and you will not need as much of the feed back from the forum unless there's some kind of unexpected surprise and you need some advice.

I think 2021 is going to be better for the Fibbles than 2020.

Bigheart2018 posted 2/8/2021 18:29 PM

Good Stuff MrFlibble!!!!

Divod62 posted 2/8/2021 22:25 PM

It may not be evident from the tone of my posts but I was really rooting for you.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by Divod62 at 10:27 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

grubs posted 2/9/2021 08:13 AM

She told me yesterday a lot about how it all started, how she felt about me, about her place in all this. How she slowly started consiously looking for things I did wrong or said wrong so she could justify one more chat, one more lunch with that slimy loser. It explained many of our arguments and sore spots from before. It all makes sense now. She told me there were many days where she knew what she was doing was wrong, but I did this or that the other day so it's OK! I can go to a lunch with him, I can text him when my husband goes to bed. How she made herself believe he's the one who listens to her and "gets" her. How she felt the first time he kissed her. How she felt every time she deleted their messages. How she thought she deserves this because she put herself down while being home with kids. How she felt brand new when she went back to work. And how she told herself it's OK to lie to me so I don't burst her little bubble. How she felt shocked and hollow that day I stormed off with my bag, how scared she was this is the last time we spoke. How she tried to convince herself this is a minor bump, nothing really serious, and what went through her head when it started slowly sinking in that this has a real potentional to ruin our marriage. How it took her way too much time to realize how horrible and wrong it all was. How she hurt me, and how she hurt our kids. She recalled the feeling of stomach drop the moment she saw divorce papers in my hand, all signed and ready. Then we went to how we are now.

That's probably the most self aware and honest a reflection, I've seen from a wayward. Keep having those conversations. Enjoy the good times. Have as much grace as you can with each other through the bad ones, and you'll end up doing well.

Clint posted 2/10/2021 06:09 AM

One thing is for sure...even if you R, your marriage will still have a giant stain on it. I'm many years away from initially posting in this forum... the passage of time has dulled the intensity of it, but the lingering effects have remained.

Make sure you can live with what she did. Not just now...but 10 years from now.

BetterNowReally posted 2/11/2021 09:37 AM

Mr. Fibble,

I am glad to hear things are looking up for you.

I followed your story on the other forum and was disappointed when it ended.

I saw there was another post on the other forum under your username. The statements were consistent with your posts here but the writing style seemed different. Was that actually you?

Anyway, I hope things continue to progress in a positive way for you.

Dignitas posted 2/11/2021 16:57 PM

Keep your eyes wide open man, hope it works out.

Justsomeguy posted 2/11/2021 18:00 PM

Make sure you can live with what she did. Not just now...but 10 years from now.


I have been rooting for you since the beginning. I would like to add my own thoughts on Clint's last comment. Yes, make sure you can live with what she did now, AND in ten years time, make sure you still can. You cannot project how you will feel, only how you do feel. If in ten year's time,if you feel you cannot live with her choices, bu all means, exit the relationship with dignity and honour. You are not signing an iron clad contract, you are making the decision each and every day. She too could choose to leave at any time.

Tempocontour posted 2/12/2021 15:43 PM

Hey, how are things going? Hope you are well.

MrFlibble posted 2/15/2021 03:36 AM

Hello, thanks for checking on me.

Nothing new to report, we are doing OK. Yesterday was a Vday, which was a little weird. I got a silly card with this stupid inside joke we have signed "Your future second wife". Made me chuckle. I gave her a bouquet, felt weird not to.

I saw there was another post on the other forum under your username. The statements were consistent with your posts here but the writing style seemed different. Was that actually you

If you mean LS then yes, it was me

MrFlibble posted 2/15/2021 03:36 AM

double post

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 3:37 AM, February 15th (Monday)]

BetterNowReally posted 2/15/2021 10:27 AM

Thanks for getting back to me.

I am glad things are going well for you.

I saw your latest LS post. You definitely should not have to defend yourself and you are DEFINTIELY not the "bad guy."

I understand about it feeling "weird" not to get your wife a Valentine's gift (or gifts for other future occasions). I feel the same. Since I decided to reconcile I am trying to be as good a husband as possible so I do get her gifts and do other nice things for her. I do not want to make her feel worse or embarrass her. It also makes me feel good about myself to be the best husband I can be. But sometimes I do feel like she may not deserve it, especially for Valentine's Day or our anniversary, but I have not regretted doing it so far. Anyway, you should do you, gift or not gift, big or small, whatever works for you.

Sharkman posted 2/15/2021 18:37 PM

I like the idea of her card. It was very wise of her to throw some self-effacing humor in there. I would be very happy with that outcome if I were you.

MrFlibble posted 2/19/2021 10:07 AM

Good luck to you and Mrs F as well.
These forums are like an emergency room or intensive care. You need it when a marriage crashes.But you don't hang out in the ER forever.
Now its time to move towards recovery and you will not need as much of the feed back from the forum unless there's some kind of unexpected surprise and you need some advice.
I think 2021 is going to be better for the Fibbles than 2020.

Thank you, MickeyBill2016. I guess you can say now is a time to move me from ICU to a regular bed. I truly hope the worst is behind us. There are setbacks, obviously, but we slowly creep our way forward.

2020 was a shitty year overall, but I am strangely glad it was what it was. I honestly believe were not for WFH and lockdowns and all that my marriage would be over by now.

grubs, I thought our talks will slowly fade away, but it's the opposite, at least for now. Sometimes it's hard with two small childer in a house, but we get what we can out of every possible opportunity to spend time together, just the two of us. I learned a lot about who my W is now. I didn't realize it before, but we slowly drifted away over the years and let me tell you, knowing your marriage was way worse than you knew or understood is a tough pill to swallow

Make sure you can live with what she did. Not just now...but 10 years from now.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And there is no guarantee that I will be OK with it in 10 years. I don't think I will ever forget it. Yes, it will slowly fade away, but I don't think it will ever fully vanish. It will still be there, probably forever. But it's something I can work on. And if we won't make it? Then I hope we both can be adult enough to talk about it and do what's best for us and kids. Maybe a little naive after what hapenned, but one can hope.

I like the idea of her card. It was very wise of her to throw some self-effacing humor in there. I would be very happy with that outcome if I were you.

Yeah, I see more and more of the woman I know everyday. A big difference from that strange creature from last summer. Do not tell me there is no such a thing as an affair fog.

grubs posted 2/19/2021 13:00 PM

I didn't realize it before, but we slowly drifted away over the years and let me tell you, knowing your marriage was way worse than you knew or understood is a tough pill to swallow

You tend to take your partner and the marriage for granted. That you know what they are thinking and their needs. Learning to have real vulnerable communication and check ins goes a long way to strengthening a marriage. You kind of have to do that as part of a successful reconciliation. That's why some marriages come out of an A stronger than before. Not that I recommend it, but it forces you to learn how to better connect.

No not tell me there is no such a thing as an affair fog.

Cognitive dissonance & dopamine addiction. The first people waywards betray are themselves.

Bigger posted 2/22/2021 10:17 AM

Mr Fibble – in those talks you two are having then be careful about one thing:
Yes – you had your part in growing apart. Yes – you had your part in taking her for granted. These are known issues in marriages and unfortunately too many couples simply live that way. It’s GREAT when couples realize this danger and take action to counter it.

However – no matter how distant you grow or how much you ignore each other there is NEVER a good reason or the correct response to have an affair.

Be very clear on this: The AFFAIR was totally 100% HER fault.

She had other options. Options that are allowed within the boundaries of marriage. Options like talking to you, demanding change and even the option of filing for divorce. All would be “good” options whereas infidelity is never a good option.

This is so important because it’s the key to accountability. If you were to relapse: Say you had a busy quarter at work and had to do 12 hour shifts for days at end. When you got home it was a beer and bed. No time for her, no time for the family, no time for the marriage… Would that make it OK for her to go chat up the pool-boy? After all – last time the marriage was in crisis she had an affair and it led to you two talking all the time and things getting better…

It’s imperative that she realize and accept that the affair was wrong and the ONLY reason you two are married is YOUR decision to remain married.

MrFlibble posted 2/26/2021 15:27 PM

Thank you for your response guys. We are overall doing ok, except few issues that we face now. Now that my STBXW (did I use that right?) works too again we spend even more time together. She moved her workstation into my office so we can be together. It's weird hearing her talk to her collegues since she is almost comically distant, unfriendly even towards them and deflects every attempt from them to get to know her. I told her it's OK to talk to them outside of her job. It's weird. We will work on boundaries.

She also sold her jewelery, almost all of it. She didn't tell me (I was against selling it) and she gave me the money. She wants me to use it to buy a new car and to have it in my name only. Don't know how I feel about that.

The other issue is much more severe. I am being pursued. Hard. By one of the women in my circle of friends. The word that we are divorcing got out and she texted me last week asking me how I am doing and in a matter of maybe 5 or 6 text jumped to her "offer" which I politely declined. It was funny at first, then weird and now it's just annoying. I Blocked her number but she has been emailing and texting/calling from different numbers. Now I just block and ignore but I can tell my STBXW is really bothered by it. She also brought up yesterday my "relationship" with my coworker (the one with that message earlier) since she can hear me skyping with her every day and yes, we are friends, we joke and we talk about things other then our jobs but we are just friends and absolutely nothing more. W told me again she is scared I will realize there are better women who didn't do to me what she did and they would be happy to have me. Looks like the damage done by her mom is worse than I thought. Told her to go through this with her IC

Other than this things are fine, quiet even. We share a bed and every meal of the day. Play with kids, go on a walks. I cut my hours at work. And I lost 20 pounds and I almost have a six pack, for the first time in my life!

HellFire posted 2/26/2021 15:32 PM

she is almost comically distant, unfriendly even towards them and deflects every attempt from them to get to know her. I told her it's OK to talk to them outside of her job. It's weird. We will work on boundaries.

Uh..no. She IS working on boundaries. And you are going to tell her not to have them. She has already decided to keep things impersonal. That is healthy.

As for the woman who is pursuing you. You need to call her,with your wife present,and tell her she is to stop contacting you.

She is not your friend. She is a shark that smells blood in the water.

ramius posted 2/26/2021 16:20 PM

Overall nice update man. Pulling for you guys. Hope you make it.

Shockedmom posted 2/26/2021 21:08 PM

Hellfire is right. The woman pursuing you is a little scary. Shut her down before she shows up at your front door,

Really impressed with your strength to do what is best for you without being mired in doubt and indecision. Wishing you best of luck,

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