Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:50 AM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

It’s very telling.....

Your father-in-law seems to give more of a shit about your marriage then your cheating wife does.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8633555
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

It’s very telling.....

Your father-in-law seems to give more of a shit about your marriage then your cheating wife does.

Duh. He doesn't want her back.

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8633699
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Grubs, your funny & correct on that he has told me her ass isn't moving in with us! I will make this short you are all right. I called my Father in Law last night and appologized and he was gracious and said I would do it again in a second but he knows the WW wife isn't thinking straight. Then followed up saying "she has gone nuts". The father in law came into the picture when my WW was about 10 years old so he knows her well, good & bad. I am going to sit the WW down as well tonight & tell her the same thing that he has been one of the few people who have helped/defend against the AP. The relationship with the friend & her work friend need to come to end immediately as they are both counterproductive to any chance of R. OK bomb away....

[This message edited by CM70 at 2:07 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8633906
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 7:43 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Good job!

Keep it up!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8633909
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newlife03 ( Member #56527) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

So my WW tried to pull this is why you shouldn't have told them what was going on

I hear absolutely no remorse for her actions here. She should be kissing your butt big time but instead she is still blaming you for something that she caused. I don't see any R if she still speaks this way to you.

I guess you'll know when you've had enough.

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8633915
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MountainGuy ( New Member #75436) posted at 8:00 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Nothing to bomb I think you're spot on.

Also I think you are pretty lucky to have in-laws who are trying support you and your wife and your marriage, and are willing to let your wife know just how stupid she's being.

I have a couple close friends who were in similar situations and their in-laws circled the wagons and acted like it was A-okay that their spouses were cheating, that it was their fault somehow. One of the guys did back to back deployments in Afghanistan, and they just pissed all over him.

You need to ask her if anyone she knows thinks what she's done is healthy, or fair, or honest. From your description of things not a single soul she knows does. There's a reason for that....

[This message edited by MountainGuy at 2:05 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8633916
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 8:39 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

I called my Father in Law last night and apologized and he was gracious and said I would do it again in a second but he knows the WW wife isn't thinking straight. Then followed up saying "she has gone nuts". The father in law came into the picture when my WW was about 10 years old so he knows her well, good & bad. I am going to sit the WW down as well tonight & tell her the same thing that he has been one of the few people who have helped/defend against the AP. The relationship with the friend & her work friend need to come to end immediately as they are both counterproductive to any chance of R. OK bomb away....

I have to agree with MountainGuy - there is nothing to bomb. Quite the opposite. When I wrote my last post taking issue with the FIL being blamed, it was not to bash you, but out of concern that you were distancing yourself from a strong ally in all of this, or allowing your WW, her toxic friend, and her AP to drive a wedge between you and your FIL.

I am glad to hear that you can see that, and that you have had your own discussion with your FIL.

The actions you are going to take sound right to me, and they will probably sound right to most others here too. She cannot maintain her relationships with her affair support team and hope to work towards anything like a genuine and heartfelt reconciliation.

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8633928
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 9:46 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

CM,

Honest question..... why do you want to stay with her?

I don’t think she is showing remorse. Are you afraid of being single?

Take care and be strong?

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8633952
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 10:11 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

It must have been ear cleaning day ... you heard us !

Good job in demanding what you need in order to be happy again, some day, in your relationship. I still think your with a person who desires another man more than she does you and you should tell her you are moving on until she can prove her heart is with you and no one else. But I’ll take the win and be glad you realized who’s actually on your side.

Good job.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:21 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8633956
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 11:10 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

CM, I think this is a great step forward. I hope she listens to reason from him. This is her "Come to Jesus" moment so if she does not or continues to complain about their overinvolvement in the situation, I hope you have some consequences and ways to detach in mind.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8633971
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 3:12 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Thanks everyone, to respond to Newlife the main reason I want to stay with her is my kids if I am being honest. I want them to have two (2) parents under one roof like I had. My parents were married for 63 years so marriage is something I always have taken serious. But it takes two (2) dedicated people to make that happen.

Am I afraid of being single, kind of but I am a decent looking guy that has a lot to offer. I always enjoyed being married and was happy to not be in the hunt anymore. I had my fun my late teens, & 20's & did not get married until I was 31.

I sat her down last night & told her she needed to cut the bestie & her work friend out of her life while we try to R. This was met with huge resistance especially with the bestie. I just said OK you are going to make it easy for me to move forward. I basically told her these people were part of the affair & both have their own issues and are not healthy for you/me or our relationship. She tried to deflect & say they were not at fault & it was all on her and what she did. I said well they knew what was going on & were supposedly my friends as well why would I trust them? She agreed no more contact with the co-worker except for work, & he is leaving her school in the Spring. We did not come a resolve concerning the bestie & agreed to discuss again tonight.

[This message edited by CM70 at 9:27 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8634108
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 3:24 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

My parents were married for 63 years so marriage is something I always have taken serious.

Guessing though this was a happy marriage with normal husband and wife stuff that was worked through mutually. Unlike yours will never be...

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 9:27 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8634114
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 3:28 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

There should not be anything to discuss ! stick to your guns, those friends were part of the A, they are not friends of the M, these are consequences of her huge betrayal, if she values her "bestie" more than you then just pull the plug and move on, you deserve so much better.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:29 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8634115
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Dignitas ( Member #75678) posted at 3:52 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Cutting out people who aren't friends of the relationship shouldn't even require a conversation. Even after a conversation, she still hasn't done it.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2020
id 8634129
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 4:50 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

After all these struggles, do you think she will be happy even if she does at the end what you want? So will you be happy? And do you believe that such a relationship can be healthy in the long run?

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8634159
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

CM70,

About a month ago her new IC told her “she needed to change her lifestyle & cut out and contact with the group she was going out with that created this escape from her family/life”. Doesn’t sound like she’s following the advice of the IC. During your periodic talks with her to see how she is doing, do you discuss the IC sessions? Do you discuss her progress (or lack thereof)? Are you seeing any progress or steps being taken to become worthy of R?

Your latest update isn’t terribly promising if she is still clinging to the toxic best friend. Isn’t this “best friend” the one that helped your wife track down (and get rid of) the GPS in her car? That isn’t the act of a friend to your wife or you or your marriage.

If she doesn’t agree to get rid of the best friend, what do you plan to do? I understand the conflict you feel about breaking up a long-term marriage and harming the kids. So it makes sense to take your time and see if she can understand her harmful behaviors, address them, and prevent them from happening in the future. However, she has to start making a real effort…

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8634176
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newlife03 ( Member #56527) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

the main reason I want to stay with her is my kids if I am being honest. I want them to have two (2) parents under one roof like I had. My parents were married for 63 years so marriage is something I always have taken serious. But it takes two (2) dedicated people to make that happen.

I understand this completely! I didn't want to D because I wanted my kids to be raised in a two-parent household like I was. At that time my parents had been married for over 40 years and I wanted so badly for my kids to have that example in their lives. Unfortunately, the marriage I was living in didn't compare to theirs.

When I spoke to my counselor at the time and explained what I was going through and that I didn't want my kids to be from a "broken home" he told me it was better than having them live IN one. Made sense. The example we were giving the kids wasn't healthy; we argued regularly, he was in and out of the house, etc. I feel better with my decision knowing that my kids understand that it is NEVER acceptable to go outside of the marriage. xWH was similar to your WW in that he did not want to give up friendships and connections to his affairs.

15 years later and I am stronger than ever; my kids are grown and saw my strength in refusing to live a toxic life, and THAT is the example they needed. Don't stay with her out of fear of being alone, it sounds like you have a lot to offer!

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8634189
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 6:43 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

All betrayed...please listen to this ^^^^^^^^^^

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8634192
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 7:32 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

CM

You are saying and doing good things. All positive positions to take and encourage you to keep doing so.

But here is the problem that you are not addressing. I have seen no indication that your WW is no longer IN LOVE with the OM. None of these approaches you are taking, even if valid and constructive, will work or matter if she still has him in her heart in any way. Her actions will be not for love of you, but to ensure she doesn’t lose her family.

And if you get her to agree to these things, it won’t be because she believes and truly feels them in her heart, it will be because she feels cornered that she has to do them.

She needs to be the one to suggest these things. She needs to be the one that is desperate not to lose you. And it has to be because she loves you aNd only you and hates her AP for being a co-conspirator in destroying her family.

So to me, the only thing you should be telling her is “I know you are still in love with this man. I cannot rebuild with someone who is in love with someone more than she is with me. Until he is no longer in your heart, any work we do is futile. You need to figure out what you truly desire. I’m letting you go do that. If you finally figure out it was me all along, let me know. If I’m interested and available to try and pursue something again at that time, I’ll let you know. But I make no promises that I will be. I love you, I am in love with you, but I will not live a life with anyone where I am Plan B at best. “

Then stop the work. It’s time. You are spinning your wheels if you continue. She needs to level the foundation before you ever start pouring concrete. And she needs to be the general contractor here, not you.

I hope you will consider it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:33 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8634210
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

We did not come a resolve concerning the bestie & agreed to discuss again tonight.

Given the extreme likelihood that your wife will have consulted the beastie - sorry - bestie in question since your discussion last night, you should prepare yourself to be called horrible, unreasonable, and controlling for suggesting a break in their friendship.

This is the same bestie that is a cheat herself, who may have encouraged your wife to cheat in the first place, as well helping her look for and disable your GPS.

[This message edited by M1965 at 9:47 AM, February 19th (Friday)]

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8634211
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