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Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, January 29th, 2021

CM, how are you doing?

Also, how often is your wife doing IC?

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8628970
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, January 29th, 2021

Hi Everyone, took a break from this thread after my road trip. Wife continues to go through IC, not sure if it is taking hold or not. She is saying the right things but I am very jaded at this point with her and the whole situation. I will update more this weekend on that.

On a side note I went out to drinks with the my wife's best friends soon to be X husband on Wednesday. He is currently about 9 months into their separation (getting closer to finalizing his D) and he seems to be really turning the corner. He has started dating and it really opened my eyes to the possibilities of what life could look like after D. He is much happier now than I have seen him in a long time. Whether or not he is ready to be back on the market or not is debatable, but he is really enjoying dating & his self esteem is way up. I am going out tonight was some old friends, & I continue to work out & focus on my own self improvements.

[This message edited by CM70 at 3:15 PM, January 29th (Friday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8629068
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, January 29th, 2021

Have you heard anything more about the AP on the VAR either with her talking directly to him or about him to friends or family?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8629093
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Dignitas ( member #75678) posted at 6:18 PM on Saturday, January 30th, 2021

I am glad you’re getting a chance to see some of the potential upside to your life after D. I think a lot of people here (and in general) come from a place of scarcity, particularly men. They think that divorce is akin to being alone or downgrading because they see their WWs as the best they can do.

For most of the men here, she’s probably not. If you’re a guy in your 40s-50s with your shit generally together, and you present yourself well, there’s a huge dating market for you. You’re going to have to do the hard work of repairing your self esteem and regaining your dignity whether you stay with a cheater or not.

The question is, who is going to be the woman who eventually benefits from all your hard work to pick yourself up?

posts: 76   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2020
id 8629254
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:39 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Hey CM,

How are you doing? Has your WW committed 100% or is she still holding back? Are you closer to a decision re D or R?

Sending strength.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630190
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 5:42 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

I have been OK the wife is seeing an IC twice a week & she is making some progress but still don't trust R at this point. I have filled out all my paperwork for D but have not made the move forward to file. I know I will get flack for this, but that's where I am at.

We are sleeping in separate bedrooms, and acting normal in front of the kids. We continue to talk to see where each other's head is at. She may be headed for a breakdown, she put's on a front but I know she is slowly coming to the realization of something is wrong (mentally) with herself. Her Mom texts me often saying that this is not the daughter she knows & she is in a breakdown but does not recognize it.

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it. She also asked if I was recording & I denied that but she is suspicious. I happen to pull the VAR's right before she did this & they are out of play for right now. I have heard about everything I needed to hear at this point anyway. I can roughly track her through phone within a block or two anyway with my family plan. (she doesn't know that) She has had no contact with the AP per the last VAR recordings & hadn't said much about him lately.

We have talked multiple times about D & R, she wants assurance from me that I won't tell the kids she was cheating. I told her if we were to R, I will not tell them. IF we D, I will be telling them & they deserve the truth. She is afraid of the consequences obviously & how the kids will react but that's not my problem. I continue to workout (lost 10 lbs to date!) and try to get as much sleep as I can. I will say in the last couple of weeks I see her in a different light (as almost a different person, if that makes sense?) I am sure it is because of the 180 & detaching & showing no emotion towards her. Well, that's where I am at today...

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630238
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

CM70,

What do you think precipitated the breakdown with your wife? Could it be the combination of the 180 as well as the reinforcement that her behavior was so wrong/toxic from friends/family/IC all in the last couple of weeks? Hopefully, this is a wake up call for her and she can start to identify and work on some of her fundamental issues.

Regardless, sounds like a good plan to have D teed up (in case she goes off the rails) but continue to monitor if R is still an option. Too bad about the VARs being pulled - seems like you got a lot of good intel from the car.

Did you ever recover the texts she was so worried about from her phone?

posts: 219   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8630246
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 6:01 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

I think that you're in a pretty rough position. If she's putting how she's viewed out there as a primary motivator then she doesn't really get it.

By you telling her you'll tell them if you guys divorce you're really only giving her one game to play.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8630247
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 6:05 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it.

What was her reaction to the GPS? Frankly, she should have acknowledged you have a damn good reason to want to know where she is and can no longer take her word for it. She should have offered to leave it in place. Ask her if she thinks her “friend” would like to see her family stay together.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by asc1226 at 12:09 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630248
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BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 6:15 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it.

Is this the same friend that is getting divorced? Also, I have to ask why is she getting divorced, did she cheat as well?

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8630252
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:17 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it.

What was her reaction to the GPS? Frankly, she should have acknowledged you have a damn good reason to want to know where she is and can no longer take her word for it. She should have offered to leave it in place. Ask her if she thinks her friend wants her to keep her family together.

CMs knows she found it but is not worried because of the phone tracking. From that I assume she removed it and told him about it. That's not a sign of a good candidate for reconciliation. I'd also be worrying about the friend being a toxic influence. Seems to me a good friend would be helping her own and fix her shit, and not worrying about how she was caught.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8630253
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 6:20 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Good point about the "friend". I thought she was supposed to be distancing herself from her toxic friend group. They aren't a friend to her or her marriage.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8630254
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 6:31 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

She was mad at first about the GPS, but she did understand of why I did it. The breakdown IMO is from the IC slapping down the AP & the reality that the affair isn't real. Also the IC has been keeping her honest & telling her like it is. I believe her Mom has been a big influence lately of trying to get her head on straight & telling her reality versus fantasy. She is listening & admitted to me last night that something is wrong with her & she needs to change behaviors and the way she was thinking.

[This message edited by CM70 at 12:49 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630256
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 6:40 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Yes, the friend is a whole topic on her own. I believe she was talking to her current boyfriend before she moved out of her BH house. My wife & I were very close to both her friend & her husband, and went on trips to Vegas & Mexico with them years ago. I would say they did not have a healthy marriage & they both have issues so it is a good thing they are going to D.

My wife has spent way less time with her as of late but she is not healthy for my wife in her current state.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630260
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 6:55 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Continue taking care of yourself. Spend time with your friends and children. Nothing like a spouse's affair to help with weight loss. I lost a bunch of weight when it happened to me. If you do go the R route, she will have to willingly dump her toxic friends. Is she still working?

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:12 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630265
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 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 7:56 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Yes she is still working, but I am afraid that one of these days she may physically/mentally break down & will not be able to work. She has stayed away from the group the only one still standing is the girl friend.

I have been going out about twice a week, which kind of made her nervous. I happen to go out with some coworkers last Friday, one being a good looking woman in my office (just friends). The WW asked me who I was going out with and she lasered in the woman in the group, she asked me what's her last name, because she wanted to look her up on Facebook.

The bad part was the other guy in my office left the bar early & I am just sitting with the woman co-worker and my WW's real Dad happens to walk in the bar. He actually bought us some drinks, but it was kind of awkward. Her real Dad is the only one of I have not told about the affair on her side of the family.

[This message edited by CM70 at 1:59 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630286
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:22 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

I would maintain full disclosure with your WW, even down to the most mundane details, when you go out. I would demand the same detailed transparency from her. Emphasize honesty with her. It's good that she is sweating a little bit regarding you and other women. Assure her there is nothing to worry about right now in that you would not cross any lines until R is gone and D is the outcome. Make it clear to her that all bets are off at that point. She needs to be scared straight. This may do it as opposed to filing for divorce right now.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630310
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:43 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

If she will say something accuses you or implies a relationship with the other woman, the answer is very clear; "I am not you".

Of course, a few sentences explaining the situation should follow, but not defensive.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8630335
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 10:57 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

He knows too much eh?

Like she is still pining for om? Is torn about whether to drop you? Is glad it was dark so you can't see the expression on her face? That too much?

Instead of being mad, she should be mortified that you see the real her.

No flack from me on your hesitation. I truly get it. Do what you need when you need.

posts: 1060   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8630340
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 11:23 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

I agree with longsadstory1952 - this dynamic is way off, like you're the one who needs to watch his step or get in trouble.

Flip that script and fast.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8630350
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