Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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WalkingHome ( Member #72857) posted at 5:16 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Look, you are an intelligent, high achieving grown man.

This is not complicated. People like to think things are complicated or confusing because they dislike the obvious conclusion and required actions.

Take a dose of hard truth, get serious about taking control of your own life, and move on decisively.

You will get all kinds of advice...things like “give it a year” or “do this, this, and this to wake her up”...

Nonsense. You are hurting bad and if you want that hurt to stop, take full ownership of your life and future by removing the person who hurt you. Cut her out like a tumour.

She showed you who she is, accept it, process it, and act on that reality.

She does not love you.

She does not find you sexually attractive.

She does not want you.

She does like sex and does like men...but not you.

Those are hard pills to swallow. Don’t make her teach you that twice.

Go hard. Find a good lawyer, move aggressively with decisive action...be brutal about it and when your opponent begs for mercy, go harder.

She sees you as weak and soft. She has no fear of hurting or losing you. Is she right?

180, lawyer, stop all communication with her other than text, route all else via attorney. Stop all drama, refuse to listen to her lies, go nuclear, be public about it, and take no prisoners.

A year from now, you will be happy, have more money than you think, and the pain of a lying cheater will be behind you.

It hurts until you take control.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8620944
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BigNoob ( Member #75807) posted at 5:18 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I agree with Faithful man. Do not let your wife see you in a vulnerable state!

She is in the Affair Fog right now and AP is Prince Charming and more mature in her eyes.

When has crying in life actually achieved anything when your an adult?

You can cry, but never in front of the person that hurt you!

Get mad no more tears! She put you in a competition with a Handy Man!

[This message edited by BigNoob at 11:40 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8620945
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DIFM ( Member #1703) posted at 5:25 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

It has likely already been said, and this may not be of much help, you must stand firm on the understanding that this episode/circumstance/shitstorm has nothing to do with your M and you do NOT have a marriage problem for which MC would be helpful, at least at this point.

You have what ever other BS's have: a cheating, selfish, lying, unremorseful, broken person as a spouse. That cannot be repaired by a MC. Cheating is NOT a symptom of a faulty marriage, it is the actions of a broken, self absorbed, low empathic, individual that you happen to be married to and who has used the normal difficulties in your M as rationalizations for her betrayals and manipulations.

The VAR is a good idea, but don't be too sure that if you don't hear her admit on the VAR, that it means it didn't happen. Adults have sex. If they are already comfortable with kissing and touching and flirting, it doesn't take too many weeks before adults move to the obvious next physical steps.

Keep your eyes wide open and stay the course you are on. I am very sorry for the shitstorm you will be trudging through, no matter how it ends up.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8620947
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I often say that a marriage is like a stool in that it stands on three legs. For marriage those 3 legs are love, respect, and trust

sorry, but I don’t think you have a single one of these.

love: sorry, but would somebody who loves you, put you through such pain?, And once they discovered that they hurt you, wouldn’t they move heaven and earth to make it up to you and to take that pain away from you? she may say that she loves you, but I don’t think her definition of love is what most people would recognize as a true definition.

Respect: she doesn’t respect you. If she did, she never would have come close to crossing that line. Do you think she will respect you if you take her back? Hell no!!! She will think of you as weak and will just have to put on the remorseful act the next time you catch her with another lover!!! And the next. And the next.

The only way it could be more disrespectful is if he had sex not only in your home, but on your bed. Did she??

Trust: I find it highly unlikely that you will ever fully trust her again. Anytime that you’re away from him, you’re going to be wondering if she is in another parking lot in some

Scumbag’s back seat with her legs

Spread or in the front seat with her mouth around him!!

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

Stay strong!

There is nothing wrong if this is a dealbreaker for you.

Don’t hesitate to lean on friends and family for support. Don’t be ashamed to tell them. They should know so that they can be there for you and your kids. They WANT to be there for you and your kids. If roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want to be there to help THEM out? Of course you would.

You should also let everyone know so that she doesn’t rewrite the history of your marriage where she has been the victims of your emotional or physical abuse years!

Stay strong and do what is best FOR YOU!!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8620959
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:08 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Your story is not all that dissimilar from mine. The chances that it was physical are very high.

Your WW’s reaction was very telling. She is still lying, minimizing and gaslighting you.

Adultery is abuse. You are being abused.

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here.

I will add that you should try to keep in mind your wife is not even a friend to you at this point and remember that she is abusing you.

Consider what you would tell a battered wife to do regarding an abusive husband. You’re actually in a similar situation. The first thing anyone dealing with a battered woman would say is that they need to get to safety, and not to make rash decisions about “reconciling” with someone who is abusing them.

The next thing I would recommend would be to ignore the words coming out of your wife’s mouth. Since she is still lying it’s basically meaningless white noise. Essentially just empty syllables being voiced through a combination of her lips and tongue moving. Otherwise meaningless or worse yet accusatory toward you and continuing to abuse and gaslight you.

Pay attention to her actions, her real time behaviors. Believe your eyes.

Most wayward spouses aren’t remorseful, at least not for a long time. Most of them are just panicking because they got caught doing something they wanted to do and that they liked doing but they knew was wrong and abusive and destructive.

The exemplary waywards here on SI mostly treated their own loyal faithful hardworking loving spouses like dirt for a long time before they started “getting it.” That’s not to cast aspersions on these folks bc they indeed do get it now and are trying to heal their spouses. But even years later their spouses are in pain, significant pain, deeply traumatized, depressed and angry.

And these are the “good” wayward spouses who really get it and are remorseful. They come here to post. Think about all the wayward spouses who don’t post here. It stands to reason that most of those silent voices are stewing in their own resentment, not remorseful and have a very high chance of repeating their toxic actions.

Like your wife, for example. It’s easy to be upset and cry and react with strong emotions in the initial shock of being caught. I can only tell this usually doesn’t last very long before they start saying and doing really horrible things that reveal their true nature even more.

When someone shows you who are they are, believe them. Your wife has shown you who she really is. Believe her.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:11 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8620964
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:19 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Softly....stop crying in front of her. I know it's easier said than done. Walk away if you have to.

It doesn't make her feel bad for you nor does it make her feel guilty.

In her state of mind, she sees your tears as weakness and inability to divorce and a free pass to continue with this man (or someone else down the road).

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8620967
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:22 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

If it hasn’t been recommended, right now download and read two books. You can read these even in your traumatized state and they will help you - very quick reads:

How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonald

Cheating in a Nutshell

The first will give you a yardstick to measure your wife’s likely failure to own this and move to being a healer.

The second will give you a reality check about the storm of emotions you are about to endure — and why you will feel the way you will feel.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8620968
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

The OM is most likely lying and saying whatever he thought your wife wanted/needed to hear.

Contact the OM's X and confirm he's divorced and confirm she cheated. If he cheated, the X will give you a name (good to know).

She's comparing you to the OM. That's like comparing the 20year family van to a new exciting sports car. She only see what she wants to see in the OM. In reality he is a POS>

No spouse can compete with the excitement of someone new (nor should they have to).

Your words will not trigger the same high as the OM's words. You can't nice her back into the marriage.

Experience shows your best strategy to save the marriage and wake her up (if that's what you want) is pretty much the same whether you ultimately R or D.

Read up on the 180, show zero tolerance for her affair and blame shifting. Take actions that she can see will eventually lead to divorcing her.

She needs to understand if she stops the affair and fixes herself (and she is broken) - you might decide to R.

If you have to worry about doing something that pushes her away - then it's already too late.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:33 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8620970
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Thanks everyone all the thoughts/responses you have given me are all things I am trying to figure out. In the last few weeks have been a blur and I had no idea of how to handle cope with this situation as it is totally new to me. It happened in real shitty time and I wanted to give my kids one more good Christmas together right/wrong or indifferent. I plan on implementing the 180 starting this weekend and asking for a timeline/possibly polygraph to vet out if they had sex once & for all. Yes I am a grown ass man & I know how we (the AP) think I would have been gone as well if there was no sex after this long with the WW. I do want to R depending on the timeline and what I find. I am also going to take her phone to see if I can recover any texts. The weird thing is I can see all the AP's calls but not texts. My wife says they just used the normal texts through her phone no snap chat, or other apps. She is not tech savvy at all & has not been good at covering her tracks. This is one of the items I will address with the polygraph to see if she is lying on how she was receiving texts.

I consulted with a lawyer last week to see what the damage would be. If what they are telling me is true it is not as bad as what I expected for child support, assets etc. She makes about half what I do but still really good money and she has been at the same job for twenty years with comes with retirment/pension plan. My biggest assets are my 401K and family land that is in a trust not tied to her. I think my land won't be touched but I am worried about the 401K as this is the bulk of my retirement plan. I am hoping since she has a long work history, a good salary & pension they don't go after the 401K but I am probably being delusional on that.

I will not cry in front of her anymore, I have only cried twice once talking about how it will effect our kids. The other time talking about my parents 63 year marriage and how that's what I wanted us to be. My Dad died three (3) years ago & when I go see my Mom she misses him dearly and it kills me. I am not a crier at all but it has been brutal on me. The funny thing about woman they want you to be open/emotional but think of you as a Beta when you do.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8620974
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

You would be well served to notify her parents, let her sister know that you know, and if you can, notify the neighbors of this shit handy man and for them not to use him.

If you want to R, you will have to wait to see her actions and how much you can take one you get the poly. Don't be surprised

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8620982
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BigBlueEyes ( Member #71441) posted at 7:43 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

So sorry you are here,

If your gut is telling you something...trust it,

After all It’s got you to this point.

Stay away from alcohol, honestly you need your feet on solid ground for this ride your on.

Have you put boundaries in place?

Demanded NC (no contact)?

Full transparency?

Std testing for you both?

Forget the MC (waste of time)

Her actions will tell you more than her words.

Also tell your friends or close family members you are going to be needing a lot of support through all of this.

Lastly plz eat & hydrate, stay safe & take care of you before anything else atm

Hugs to you

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8620992
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 8:15 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

The weird thing is I can see all the AP's calls but not texts. My wife says they just used the normal texts through her phone no snap chat, or other apps.

I can't really add anything to the advice already given and I have to say you're responding extremely well to the abuse and trauma. Be proud of yourself and good luck on the 180 - I wish I had started my own true 180 much earlier.

That said, just one tech advice, all phones have a section that you can see previously installed apps. So you can look to see if there were text apps used, though the information is likely unrecoverable. Best of luck and sorry you've found yourself here.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8621001
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 8:25 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Thanks everyone, as soon as I found out she was cheating I was hitting my gym. An old habit of days past, I am on week four (4) of working out and although mentally I am rough my body is really responding and I feel much better physically. I have lost five lbs and look to drop thirty more.

We are going out tonight for the New Year with close friends none of which knows what is going on. (planned many weeks ago) I will put on my game face & not drink very much. Only my best friend and a really close co-worker who went through her own divorce last year have been my sounding boards.

[This message edited by CM70 at 2:26 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8621004
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:35 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Don’t do hysterical bonding sex with her tonight or this weekend. Huge mistake I wish I could take back. You have benefit of crowd sourced wisdom here so take this advice, and also get tested for STD’s immediately. Ask her to do the same.

If she didn’t have sex with him she should have no problem alleviating your concerns. If she balks it’s a great way to force the truth. Either way it drives home the seriousness of this.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8621009
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MountainGuy ( New Member #75436) posted at 9:00 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

She's in Schroedinger's Cat mode. As long as the box is closed the cat is alive AND dead, she has you and him. Once you open the box and force her to choose, that's when reality comes crashing in.

Here's the thing cheaters don't get; the cat is always dead. There is never a ride off into the sun story book ending to this stuff.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8621013
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 10:10 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

We are going out tonight for the New Year with close friends none of which knows what is going on. (planned many weeks ago) I will put on my game face & not drink very much. Only my best friend and a really close co-worker who went through her own divorce last year have been my sounding boards.

I'm sorry that you're here but you have to take control of the situation, right now she's still in control and even tells you it's going to be "hard for her to break it off" with her boyfriend, REALLY !!! and you're going on a date with her tonight with friends !! Brother you need to snap out, man up and take the bull by the horns, so far she has not had any major consequence for her huge betrayal, DO NOT go out with her tonight and instead EXPOSE her to her parents and the entire family (both sides) and those close friends WITHOUT WARNING, nothing kills an A and the so called "fog" faster than full exposure without warning, nothing.

Also, "we just kissed", "only once/twice" is at the top of the list of what we call "the cheater's handbook", demand she gets tested for STDs immediately (STDs can also be transmitted via saliva), yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health by exposing you and your family to Covid 19 and STDs.

Until you make things real for her not much is going to change, again cancel tonight's date with friends, and EXPOSE her A with all family and close friends without warning, it doesn't matter if the date has been planned for a while, you have way more serious issues to deal with and the future of your family hangs in the balance, so don't go unless you want to expose her to those friends in person (a New Year's Eve your WW will NEVER forget). We've seen this play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI, if full exposure doesn't shock her back to reality, then nothing will but at least you will not stay in limbo for more than you have to.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8621032
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I am a BS and reading your story gets me enraged. Have you thought about calling the AP and telling the douche bag to get the fuck away from your wife? Your wife, whether she had sex with him or not is still deep in the affair fog. I would file for divorce just to get her attention that this isn't a game or a stupid piece of shit movie. Women love that crap for obvious reasons. You can pull the plug anytime before it becomes final. If the two of you can't R then she is gone. Has she gone NC with the AP? I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that another contact and you will reveal all to everyone including clients of her AP. You can tell that to the AP also. The problem with your situation is that you have her on tape stating her infatuation with him and, by comparison, her lack of feeling for you. Fuck that shit. Sorry for the rant. I still have horrible anger issues with my skank of an ex-wife. But, you have to go nuclear on this one. I regret so not doing that many years ago. I just read WalkinHome's advice. I think he laid it out better than me. Go nuclear.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:27 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8621042
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 11:46 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

We are going out tonight for the New Year with close friends none of which knows what is going on. (planned many weeks ago) I will put on my game face & not drink very much.

You are playing the pick-me dance. Your basically saying "I'll believe you just kissed"...and that it really isn't that BAD... we can still go out and have fun. I can put my pain on hold... I'll keep your secret and pretend things are fine so you can save face...

Dude you caught your wife cheating, confronted, she continues to lie about her affair, has said it will be hard giving him up, has continued contact with him... and your going to go out and celebrate the new year with her? Your sending her mixed messages about how her affair has impacted you and your marriage.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8621046
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:01 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

I do want to R depending on the timeline and what I find.

Someday you'll look back and realize (whether you end up R or D) that today is too soon to make that decision.

At first it's all about the sex and then it'll hit you much later how devastating the deceit was to ultimately destroying your marriage. Trust is a wonderful thing until it's destroyed.

Frankly, the most effective attitude to break up the affair and wake up your wife is to inform your wife that you're inclined to divorce now based on what you know (particularly her deceitful behavior). However, out of concern for the kids, you'll delay a final decision and give her a chance to prove she's worthy of a second chance.

Finally, you can 'love' her and still decide it's best to divorce her.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:02 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8621047
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

I do want to R depending on the timeline and what I find.

Do you know what R material looks like? Because she is not it. Quite the opposite in fact.

Many BS when hit with an affair, have a knee jerk response to forgive/R. It’s a coping mechanism. They just want it to go back to normal.

Problem is....there is no normal anymore. It’s gone. Forever.

If you really want a chance to save your marriage, read what WalkingHome said and do it. Her response and actions will reveal quite quickly where you stand in her world. And then you can proceed accordingly. Either with R or D.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8621052
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