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Just going it alone, anyone?

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Justsomeguy posted 10/21/2020 09:07 AM

I think I've gotten to a new stage three years after Dday#1 and 27 months separated. Maybe I've lived through too much shit or maybe I just read too many tragic stories hear. Maybe the hey, we are now fully recovered, oops I guess we aren't ones have really hit me. I don't know, but I feel done with people. I've seen first hand how darkly selfish people can be and it sickens me. I know I'm now jaded with trust issues, so that dosen't help either.

I just find myself tremendously uninterested in the risk of a relationship, even though I love the connection. I tried OLD for a whole 5 minutes before quitting. Felt sleazy. I walk around in my own cacoon now. I am decently attractive, so I get eye contact and smiles from women, but I have no desire to smile back. Just yesterday in the grocers, a woman was smiling at me and it seemed like she always ended up in the aisle I was in. At one time, I would have smiled and said at least something. Now all I do is look at her and think about risk, percentages, possible history, basically deconstruct every possibility etc, and think, shit, probably not worth the effort.

And if I do say hello, then what? Drinks, conversation, maybe a little hope before I find out that her last relationship ended because they grew apart? Find out later she cheated and now I'm forced to bail with all the emotion that goes with it.

I find myself wanting to be alone and just go my own way.

Am I off base here? Do I need a kick in the ass? Can anyone identify with me?

Jehuretired posted 10/21/2020 09:22 AM

I live in a very small, rural community. I've been asked out twice in the last few months.

Felt all kinds of wrong to me. I enjoyed the company and the interaction leading up to the asking, but the thought of opening up my life to someone just fills me with complete "Meh..." OLD does not appeal to me in any way, shape or form.

I think I am destined to be alone. I took this risk twice and I got the same results. I don't think it's worth the risk to me ever again.

Charity411 posted 10/21/2020 10:00 AM

Yep. I feel the same way. I have no interest. I totally enjoy male company, but I have no desire to put myself at risk either emotionally or financially.

I stopped dating about 8 years ago. I live in a very small community, so there aren't a lot of choices. The men I did date were all very nice people with one exception, and I am still friends with them. I've even gone to lunch recently with one of them. But I can't seem to scare up any further interest.

I occasionally feel lonely, but I love being in control of my own destiny, at least as much as any of us can be. I'm very happy.

DevastatedDee posted 10/21/2020 10:01 AM

I can identify a bit. It's not even about risk for me at the moment.I get flirted with sometimes and it's fun to flirt back, but the thought of dating and going through all that makes me feel tired. I've walked that road enough that I know what it is and all the steps involved and though it has the highest highs that there are, it takes a lot of energy. I'm not yet ready to expend that energy on another person. I'm in a "take care of me" stage. I'm selfish with my time. I want to spend that time and energy on me, not on a new romantic partner.

I opened a dating app too a few times in the past year, and as I swipe the overwhelming feeling is exhaustion.

I think I'm open to dating if circumstances put me together with someone I find interesting, but I'm not searching that out.

I don't know whether you or I need a kick in the ass or not. I mean, we aren't naive. We actually do know what dating and relationships entail. We're mature enough to question whether they're necessary or optional. No law says we need to be partnered up. As long as we're content on our own, I think it's perfectly okay. I don't feel less than for not having a partner and I do know exactly what the benefits and drawbacks are of relationships. I've been married twice and neither marriage was always bad. I've had boyfriends, and those were often great times too. I've become very rational about these things as I've aged.

If you're avoiding dating out of bitterness, that sounds like you need to do more healing. If you're avoiding because you just don't have time for foolishness and want to avoid the high emotion and drama, that sounds reasonable to me.

EllieKMAS posted 10/21/2020 10:33 AM

I get this too and Dee is spot-on for me. All of the dating crap just sounds frightfully tiring right now. Plus I'd have to shave my legs all the time... no thanks

I have pretty much decided that I am going to just let the universe guide all of that for me. I refuse to do OLD cus that's where I met the exdouche and he turned me off of it forever and ever. I think when I am feeling ready, I am going to go take classes and do stuff that interests me. I trust that I will meet someone when I am supposed to and that things will just work out. That's usually how my life goes anyways.

JSG - work on your healing and revel in your alone time. If you're not ready to get back in the dating game yet that's perfectly okay!

DevastatedDee posted 10/21/2020 10:59 AM

Plus I'd have to shave my legs all the time... no thanks

OMG right?? I'm in pandemic work from home mode and I am so enjoying it not mattering what I look like right now. That would be sooo disrupted if I had to dress up for someone! I mean, pants?!? Ew.

EllieKMAS posted 10/21/2020 11:08 AM

OMG right?? I'm in pandemic work from home mode and I am so enjoying it not mattering what I look like right now. That would be sooo disrupted if I had to dress up for someone! I mean, pants?!? Ew.
Riiiiiight? Bra? EWWWWW.

I swear after this year I am like 96.3% feral. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-integrate into normal society!

TheLostOne2020 posted 10/21/2020 11:11 AM

I sometimes feel like this. Some days more than others.

That said, I think that if it's possible that I'm a decently good person then there are others as I'm nothing special.

DevastatedDee posted 10/21/2020 11:12 AM

I swear after this year I am like 96.3% feral. I don't know if I will ever be able to re-integrate into normal society!

Same. I am to the point where the height of my sexiness is when I do my make-up and fix my hair to put on scrubs or ratty clothes to work my part-time job at the animal shelter. I look better when I'm cleaning up actual shit than I do when I'm home working my real money job.

Chili posted 10/21/2020 11:25 AM

Hey Justsomeguy:

I identify for sure - actually I've been following your story here and the progress you've made is really lovely to read.

I felt the way you did for sure. My world was going to be very small - with friends and family and godchildren and a dog. And that was all good. And that damn grocery store place - I sometimes tell a story around here about being flirted with over tomatoes at the market and wanting to bash the guy's face in. My little reminder I perhaps wasn't interested in men.

Then in an unexpected way - SO organically came into my life. And it was pretty groovy to ease myself into that relationship and allow myself to take that risk again. I shared an awfully nice life with him for 7 years. And now that relationship is collateral damage of the Covid mess (wrote a thread about it here in NB so I won't repeat the story). I don't, however, regret taking a chance on letting him into my world when he showed up in it.

So I've been going it alone since the Summer and I'm back to my old footing. I not only have more energy and love for myself but for all those other people in my life. My world is actually bigger these days. I wrote a post a couple months ago about being "Alone" and you know - it really is just extra fine by me. (Nothing is ever "perfect", but the trade-offs are worth it for me right now at least).

In my book - you don't need a kick in the ass at all. I would worry if your cocoon shut out your emotions and vulnerability and being available to everyone else in your life. From what you've said - you are feeling great joy with your kids - pursuing things - making new traditions and feeling peace.

Now if you were crawling into your hidey hole and not letting any human connection in, then I would perhaps give you a mild nudge in the backside. I just hear you saying you're not interested in "finding" a relationship right now. I think that sounds lovely. If the potential for one wanders in, then you can re-evaluate then. No shoulds or have-tos need be a part of any of this.

crazyblindsided posted 10/21/2020 11:25 AM

I identify with you. I'm planning on taking at least a year off before I entertain dating, even then I don't think it is something I am interested in. I'm not sure I can compromise my lifestyle and I really enjoy being alone and not having to hear any criticism or pressure for sex.

I'm attractive and have a lot to offer but the risks just seem too high. Plus I hate dating and all the emotions that go along with it. It clouds my own thinking and I like feeling clear headed right now.

It would take a really special person to take that kind of plunge. It would also have to be someone who also enjoys their alone time. I'm an introvert and love solitude. My STBX was an extrovert BIG mistake.

countrydirt posted 10/21/2020 11:40 AM

My divorce won't be final until December, but I have a few friends that have tried to fix me up and get me out. It just felt wrong.

Legally, I'm still married. I won't commit adultery. Emotionally, it would be a bad thing for me to do to someone else.

I'm not ready now and don't really have a timeline as to when I will be ready. Right now, I'm enjoying some friendships with folks with similar interests and trying to get myself re-centered on who I am.

I looked at OLD and just got completely turned off by it. I don't want to be that damaged creepy guy that gets a reputation, so I'll just stick with my expanding friend circle and enjoy life with my youngest son and take care of myself.

AnnieOakley posted 10/21/2020 12:04 PM

I was 100% single for over 2 years when I opened my OLD profile in January. 2020 was going to be my year to date and find a new relationship! Ha, jokes on me.

I did date someone for 3 months starting in June and while we were CV19 exclusive, he eventually seemed was not interested and available time wise. The contact became sporadic and out of respect for both of us regarding exclusivity I brought up the option to clearly end the relationship-no harm no foul-go our separate ways type of conversation. He did not want that. Ok.....

I made it clear I was interested in finding out if there was long term potential, but could not do that with a few texts and seeing someone once every 1.5-2 weeks or even less. He absolutely agreed.

Instead he opted to not respond to my last text message and never call again. Ha! Actions vs. words!

I put myself out there and will continue to do so. My boundaries are firm and Iím pretty good at stating things up front. Iím certain that sends red flags to some men and thatís ok too.

Iíve no clue what dating was like before CV19, but I know it is jacked up during! I guess the upside is that some people genuinely believe the science and are having less random make out sessions on the first (3rd, 7th??) date. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Works for me!! 😂

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:13 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 10/21/2020 17:08 PM

I have NO desire to be in a relationship right now and am very content "going it alone." I've got lots of work, hobbies, home repairs, etc. to keep me VERY busy. Lonely? The thought doesn't cross my mind, even in a fleeting manner.

That being said, I am not opposed to having someone in my life again at some point. I'm just not actively seeking it. If it happens, it happens. If not, that's okay too!

If I want to go on a date, I take myself out.

Justsomeguy posted 10/21/2020 18:50 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone. Yup, I'm feeling pretty good as a single guy these days. Not as lonely st night. I'm really enjoying my career and moving on towards divorce. I'd like to have that finalized before long. My BFF just bought a new condo in Vancouver, so I can pop in for a weekend away regularly, drink good scotch and solve all the world's ills. And its stumbling distance from some nice pubs... So all things considered, things are not bad.

FaithFool posted 10/21/2020 19:02 PM

*waving from Vancouver Island*

Been flying solo for 12 years now. I think I'm settling into a groove and I like it.

AbandonedGuy posted 10/22/2020 07:55 AM

I'm on the same page as Phoenix. If someone comes along, great, if not, I've got so many productive activities to bide my time that it's not a pressing concern. I've been very career-focused and it's finally paying off. The irony is, I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been and yet I'm the least romantically available because of covid isolation and a blase attitude toward dating. Plus OLD is a cesspool and the level of entitlement in some people can be pretty surprising. I'd much rather meet someone the "old fashioned" way.

Hawke posted 10/22/2020 12:35 PM

I just had my performance review at work. My relationship goals are similar to my career goals: "I have no active long term goals other than improving and developing in my current role, but would evaluate an opportunity if it arose."

I dated someone for a few years and enjoyed it, but it ended last fall because it wasn't going anywhere and we both knew it. We are still good friends. I've been focusing on my self, my kids, my career, my hobbies and my friendships. I feel active, fulfilled and stable. I'm not looking for anyone.

phmh posted 10/22/2020 17:31 PM

In Feb 2015, I turned off all of my OLD and announced to my friends that I was no longer on the market and just was going to enjoy life, do things with friends, explore new activities, etc. I credit this time period with my last bit of healing. I had some of the best 8 months of my life, and made quite a few life-long friendships.

Wound up meeting my SO (when neither of us were looking and we both were happy with being single) in late 2015, and while we have a great relationship, there is something that I just love about being single. Enjoy this time! You may ultimately meet someone, or you may not. But if you are able to find happiness alone, that pretty much guarantees a great life!

JBWD posted 10/22/2020 20:14 PM

While Iím a WS, I echo a lot of the sentiments here, though rate less cynicism- other than sporadic paranoia about my progress to be a better human.

Regardless I see no future where I embark on a partnership that can match the one I wrecked. I canít picture the process of dating and NOT comparing to my STBXBW, and that seems patently unfair to another human- Iíve had my fill of using people, and stand more than a little concerned that I might repeat similar flawed patterns.

Time alone feels comforting when itís not scary, and Iím trying my hardest to settle in.

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