SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My XH is the only man I have ever been with. Met him when I was 17.

I am absolutely clueless about dating and romance.

In my teens I had heaps of male ‘just friends’ and I think friendship is all I have to offer.

Covid and a sick dog is a great excuse for staying just friends.

I have been going it alone 3 years and I am fine.

I did a lot of alone time after

the WH left. I did radical self care. I travelled alone and stayed at inexpensive hostels and experienced new things. It was so hard for me.

I prayed, fasted, did yoga. Went to an online business conference

I had two choices:work hard on me, make the conscious decision to uncurl from the fetal position and get up off of the floor or die literally. The infidelity trauma was that bad.

My trust and fidelity is now earned by other people's actions.

My presence in their lives is conditional on them meeting my non negotional needs. Truth is one of them.

I would tell my self of three years ago to take good care of myself. Trust my instincts. Honor my feelings. Take my time.

I am looking into trauma therapy for myself because the infidelity was such a severe trauma for me and I want to clear that stuff out for me to have the future I want.

You have been heard. I wish you much happiness and healing.

Yes. Alone is exactly what I need right now.

My life does not need the added complexity of a romantic relationship.

And OLD is a cesspool, that's the perfect description of it. No thanks.

Hey, thanks for the replies all. Took myself out to the pub for a pint after work and just enjoyed the shit out of myself. Found a quiet spot out of the way and practiced some in the moment, mindfulness... hahaha. I don't know if I am giving off vibes, but I get left alone which I really appreciate. Loving it.

I'm going it alone. Every time I think about dating someone else, it just doesn't feel right. I still get surprised when I find anyone else attractive. I'm annoyed at that though; it makes me feel like the X is winning, like he really screwed my head up.

I also am scared of dating. I don't feel confident in my body. The last time I dated, before the X, my body looked a lot different and had a lot less scars. I know is should concentrate on making me feel good about myself, and just focus on being healthy for me, but I feel just so worn out. The other thing is Covid. How can you meet new people in person when you run the risk of catching/spreading? And then I'm just scared of putting my heart out there and meeting some creep again. I'm scared of falling back into old habits in the people I look for.

I love not having a partner. I am free to do as I please.

I retired last year and have travelled and met lots of nice people. I have 5 kids and great relationships with them. Now, I have 2 grandchildren.

I just do not miss having a wife or girlfriend. My golf game is good now, too.

Update if anyone cares. Sitting at a pub with a pint, in front of a fire, marking essays...trying not to get beer on the papers. Every once in a while, I just inhale deeply and enjoy the peace of it. I guess its these moments that make it better.

I completely relate to everyone here. Would love to meet the right person, but love being single and would hate to risk that and bring anything less than coupledom bliss into my life. I know I am a bonder so I need to be careful or I will attach to someone I may be better off without and not be willing to end it. That scares me more than being dumped.

I once met a woman when I was first alone and scared of being alone. I told her what was happening (I told way to many people---). She responded to me that she had also been cheated on, was single for awhile, but was now remarried to a wonderful man she would never leave. She said she missed her single days and they were her happiest, so I should enjoy mine.

That really stuck in my head!

Over the summer I had a FWB type relationship with one of my daughter's elementary school teachers (my daughter is now in her mid thirties).

I actually met up with her in the grocery store one day, and had not seen her in years. We decided to do a "covid coffee" where we would meet in the local park, each of us with a coffee we got somewhere and maintain social distance.

Eventually during our discussions, we decided to start a FWB relationship. It lasted until the end of August. It was fun, we both knew it would not last, and now it seems I have zero want or need to pursue a relationship of any kind.

Perhaps this will continue, perhaps not. Right now I am in no hurry to find out. I am content with where I am at the moment. Not sure if this is healthy or not.

I'm going to try aloneness.

I wanted to pursue a FWB relationship like @totallydumb had, but honestly, even that sounds tiring. Teaching somebody new, having them in your house, wondering whether to let them sleep or have them leave? Ugh, so much thinking. BOB's all the way.

I have no desire to date or even engage in a "more than friends" relation. I have been putting all of my effort into leveling up and becoming a much stronger, better version of myself. I've had many women attempt to get closer, but get upset when I maintain that I'm not looking for anything. I can't understand why anyone would get upset when you're not misleading them and being honest about what you want. Maybe I'm jaded, but I simply don't trust relationships anymore. It feels much safer on this side. I feel if you can support yourself and don't NEED anyone to navigate this life it's probably best. It's so NOT worth the gamble of what time I have left in this life.

Going it alone,

boredom,

mundane,

frustrating,

Dating,

frustrating

Hard work

Vulnerable

My point is..it’s 50/50 either way with ups & downs, pros & cons whichever way you look at it.

I went out last week with someone (a long walk with our dogs as we are in lockdown)

Was lovely, honestly it was, however I’m sure I just don’t want to go there.

Truthfully I don’t want to lose myself again.

I feel I only just survived this merry go round by the skin of my teeth.

JustSomeGuy,

Really appreciate this thread. I'm moving in the same directions. It's the first time in my life I truly don't want a relationship, FWB or dating again. Like many of you, the idea alone exhausts me. When I look back on my life, I can clearly see all of my trauma, many of my parenting gaffes and every career detour is tied to a romantic relationship. I've spent so much energy maintaining, building and recovering from relationships that should've never happened in the first place. Now, as I approach sixty, I'm just not willing to throw good time after bad - there's not enough of it left. The idea of a stranger in my bed just gives me the creeps. I'm digging into friendships and family going forward.

And, you make me wish we had pubs here.

No pubs?!?! How do you cope?

How do you cope?

Taquerias

I was in London last year around this time and oh man, the pubs! People are companionable without hitting on you, and you're welcome to camp out for a few hours. I was in heaven.

It's like that here. I have a few favourite haunts where I can tuck myself into a corner and just enjoy my own company. Plus, there is no danger of EVER getting hit on. Like ever...

I've been doing the alone thing for awhile now and I love it. I do what I want, when I want.

I enjoy the alone thing so much that I don't feel I would be a good partner for someone else. Compromise is no longer one of my strong points.

On a different note, I am a teacher. Going to restaurants, coffee places, or a pub is a great place to check students' work. It is better than sitting at my kitchen table and checking.

I think I am hitting a new phase in my life after 9 months of singleness. The loneliness has certainly subsided and has been replaced with a sense of peace. It's almost like I've settled into my own skin. I hope it lasts. I wouldn't call it happy, but more like comfortably not miserable. I could get use to this...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 10:54 AM, December 6th (Sunday)]

That sounds lovely, justsomeguy. Enjoy