Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 2:06 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

I believe she is remorseful. Oddly enough I have no doubt of this.

I believe it was only two calls after DDay. She went so far as to track down the former co-worker and ask her via text to describe what happened regarding the calls. She had me read them.

Don’t beat yourself for still having some faith in humanity. Don’t let that go because of her. There are a lot of good people and good women out there.

Now I will say this is EXACTLY why I have not given my wife the benefit of the doubt she’s truly remorseful. I have given her the benefit of the doubt for things she has done - like consistent acts of service and so on.

But everything my WW has done indicates she is sitting on a “big ugly” she won’t disclose because she knows it would be a marriage ended. And ironically that’s why I’m divorcing her.

Your story just confirms it for me - over and over we see it time after time.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8597249
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:18 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Her reply was, “That’s the problem I found myself in when you came back home. If I told you the truth how could I prove it was only phone calls. I could only do then what I am doing now. Tell you and pray you believe me because I have no proof. But emotions were so raw and I knew how bad I had messed up. I did not think we could take another blow to our marriage and survive. I’m sorry I kept this from you then. But that is the truth. All of it.”

At the point you do confront, I believe it’s important to remind her of this statement.

I believe she loves you, but she is very broken.

I don’t think you’ve ever said what work you both did to reconcile? Did she ever work in IC to determine why she thought it was the right thing to do to start this relationship with him?

And now you know it continued in some fashion even after you “broke” him.

Someday she may be a safe partner for someone, but not until some real work on herself and who she is and who she wants to be. She lacks moral character right now.

D is definitely the right path. She’s unfortunately not a candidate right now for being with anyone. I think she has a long hard road of self analysis ahead of her and frankly it’s going to be rough.

Someday you may be able to create a new relationship but not as the person she is right now. I think you can coparent well in the meantime, but anything more than that type of partnership would be doomed to failure.

I feel for you. I actually feel empathy for her too. She can’t get out of her own way. I truly believe she wants a life with you but doesn’t know how to do it right. That’s sad.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3225   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8597252
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Don’t use that material for any sort of revenge, it could be illegal and land you in trouble.

As you head for D, your objective is for you XWW to occupy as little headspace as possible. She is not worth your time and effort. She doesn’t deserve your attention

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8597254
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 3:21 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

I’m glad you found the strength to choose you after this latest trauma. She kept this after she promised it was over. In your home where she could relive these sick moments over and over again. Her word means nothing. She is not worthy of you.

Please consider putting it on a Zip drive and putting it away for safe keeping. You have enough already. The mind movies are debilitating, don’t add to your pain.

Hoping you and your kids make good use of the therapy needed after this horror show.

posts: 1062   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8597272
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 3:59 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

The problem is that she ruined therapy as it is now built on a lie. She made a big production and it was a lie. Hunting down the friend, wow.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8597283
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 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 4:15 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Hey guys, I just got home and damn this has exploded. I really appreciate everyone’s comments. I haven’t shared a lot with people around me due to trying to protect my kids so I apologize for all the posts. They really help me.

I’m short on time and need to get to bed so I’ll give you a funny story from this evening then quickly answer some of the replies from today.

My son decided to go to his mother’s tonight since he had to stay there anyway while I’m gone. After he left I started going through the files again and after about five minutes just stopped. I zipped them into three password protected ZIP files and placed a copy on my Google Drive and another copy to a small 128 gig drive I keep on my keychain. For now I’m not looking at them anymore. We’ll see how long that lasts.

I called my buddy….I’m tired of calling him my buddy. I give him the name Jerry. Obviously not his real name. But, I like Seinfeld and Comedians in Cars so there. I called Jerry and asked if he felt like going out and grabbing a drink. I don’t drink but hey...whatever. He picked me up and we went to a little place near me and just sat for a while and talked about everything but this mess. I bought one drink. Took two sips. He had basically a ten dollar Coca-Cola. After staring like a couple old pervs at what appeared to be a girls night out after work drinking party we left.

We pulled up in the yard for me to get out and Jerry finally just said, “Whatever your decision...It’s the right one.” And I needed that because I think I feel like a failure because I’m pulling the trigger on my marriage. I get it. She’s the one that blew it up but still...I just can’t help right now feeling like I didn’t do something right. After he said that I just told him today was a bad day and it’s just too hard to talk to him about it right now. And he said he understood. He then proceeds to tell me the following.

Jerry: “You know SeeYa, Katie called me Sunday evening.” (Yes her real name because...well F**k her)

Me: “Really?”

Jerry: “Yeah she wanted to know how you were doing. You know what I told her? It was none of her F**king business. She didn’t like it. Started saying how she knew I didn't like her and she understood that but she really cared about SeeYa and was worried about SeeYa and wanted to let him know how much she really loves Seeya. So I asked her if any of that ever crossed her mind while she had another guys d**k in her mouth?..and then she hung up? Which I thought was rude”

I just laughed and then he got serious.

“I would never disrespect you or your wife. I watched all of this unfold three years ago and I kept my peace with her. Out of respect for you. I saw you in so much pain. But if you remember I never said one bad thing about her. It was your burden to bear and if keeping my dislike of her to myself made it easier for you then so be it... But she needs to know right now that she absolutely cannot call me up and pump me for information or use me to get to you”

Jerry is a great friend.

Real quick

-I am not going to confront her. Right now. But at some point she will know I know. Lawyer is in the driver's seat on this one.

-My minor son is 17. He will have more say in where he lives than either of us.

-My goal for the divorce is and has always been to keep her hands off my retirement and investments.I worked four years as an independent contractor in my field living off twenty percent of my earnings before we met and married. That money has been sitting in investments for the better part of twenty-five years completely untouched. Earnings reinvested bi-annually and watched over by a reputable investment group. It is my piss off fund now. My retirement is also substantial and I have no desire to share that with her either. She has a decent retirement herself and with the equity in the house, even if only half, would supplement her retirement well.

- She had IC during reconciliation but she admitted to lying to her therapist. I don’t know what she’s doing now on that front.

-clarify the possibility of her losing her license. She’s in the medical field. If she had been arrested for public lewdness it would have to be reported on her license renewal form. While not a felony it could very well have been used to as a reason for her not to be hired. So okay a little hyperbole on my part.

-her mental health. Right now I have to believe she had some sort of temporary insanity. Maybe a porn or sex addiction or something. Simply because it’s the only way I can process this right now. I don’t really believe it but I need to think along those lines for now.

-yes the phone was dead. I have no evidence it was used after Feb 2018. But who knows. Doesn’t really matter. As far as her keeping it. ...maybe she kept it as a trophy or something...or she just simply forgot about it. Again it doesn’t matter.

-I absolutely have no intention of my kids knowing anything about this. Period.

Ok. I have an early start tomorrow and have my truck loaded up. I’m hitting the shower and going to sleep off my two sip buzz.

Thanks everyone. You're helping me to hold onto my sanity tonight.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597290
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:56 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

her mental health. Right now I have to believe she had some sort of temporary insanity. Maybe a porn or sex addiction or something. Simply because it’s the only way I can process this right now. I don’t really believe it but I need to think along those lines for now.

-yes the phone was dead. I have no evidence it was used after Feb 2018. But who knows. Doesn’t really matter. As far as her keeping it. ...maybe she kept it as a trophy or something...or she just simply forgot about it. Again it doesn’t matter.

Gently you should probably stop thinking this way. I don’t want to add to your burden and I’m so sorry about this.

This wasn’t temporary insanity. She didn’t forget about the phone.

I always found it helpful to think about the difference between possibility and probability.

It’s possible it was temporary insanity. It’s possible she forgot about the phone.

Neither is probable. It stretches credulity to think otherwise.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8597300
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 4:57 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

What you're experiencing is just awful man. You are completely right to be angry but please remain in control. Soon this will be in your rearview mirror.

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8597301
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Your friend "Jerry" is a keeper!

I have one friend like him. Friends like that are worth 10x their weight in gold.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1006   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8597321
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:28 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

I’m sorry for the fact you keep getting smacked in the face with her infidelity. Hopefully this is the last time you are faced with Dday.

I hope this last Dday (3rd ) helps you to understand the choices you were forced to make. Sometimes the toughest decisions are painful b/c you know she was t always like this but chose to become someone you can no longer live with.

I hope the D is over quickly. Figure out a payout now to keep your retirement accounts intact. My friend just paid her serial cheating H six figures to get D from him — just to get it over with.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10890   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8597325
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Jerry truly is a great friend. He supported you by being in your corner 3 years ago by respecting your rebuilding process and focusing on your feelings for her and not his and is supporting you again now by being Brutally honest and truthful with her. She deserves it.

- She had IC during reconciliation but she admitted to lying to her therapist. I don’t know what she’s doing now on that front.

So out of that work, even with her being untruthful, did she come to some conclusion as to why she thought it was ok to start an improper relationship with another man?

I think the hardest part for me would be the Intimate moments she shared with him and now, as you found, how she initiated risky behavior for him, and not you. And now that she drunkenly expressed existing feelings for the man, it will be nearly impossible to reconcile those things in not only your mind but hers as well.

For her that is something she’s gonna have to learn to live with when looking in the mirror. That’s work she needs to do all on her own and before any rebuilding is ever attempted. And by the time she gets to that point, I’m hoping you are well on your way to finding your own happiness again, perhaps with someone new who can be a safe partner.

So while I understand you are going to wait on exposure of these new revelations, it’s probably best you let her know that D is guaranteed, even if later you agree to try to build something new. No promises of that necessary.

I hope you are able to get that across to the family counselor so they can work with you all appropriately and not push you to do things that force your hand to reveal anything too soon.

Take care.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3225   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8597332
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

SeeYa, I'm sorry you had to receive another kick. It always sucks.

I have to agree with the others who tell you not to look at any more texts or pics or videos. It will only cause you more pain. Start the healing process.

Based on your decision to D, does it still continue to make sense for you to have the family counseling sessions together? Perhaps ask the therapist to have alternating sessions or either of you on the first half and the other on the 2nd half? I think it would really benefit you to have NC with your STBXWW. I know your first concern is for your son, so whatever you think is best for him makes sense.

I hope your attorney can work quickly and you all can decide how to proceed. I would think that you really want your distance right now.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8597344
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 2:57 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

You need to be prepared that once the D is final, the brakes will be off and the true woman you married will assert herself. Don't be surprised if hear about your XWW joining the SUB/DOM underground or engaging in other depravity.

My side of the bed wasn't even cold after I left my STBXWW before she was out banging multiple guys a week, and she's still going strong living the slut life she always wanted to. It's a hard shitpill to swallow, but swallow I must. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but you need to brace yourself.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8597363
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 3:02 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Whenever I think I have seen depravity that is beyond the pale...something like this happens.

I feel for you sir. You are handling this better than most would...most men would be in a puddle.

I concur that D is the absolute right path. There is no R built on lies and no R with a person who lies and takes that affair underground like that while knowing the pain it is causing you and your family. She knew...and chose to do it anyway.

It also touches on the issue of her being hypersexual with the AP...I see that repeating over and over, WW refuses to do X with BS, but gleefully does it with AP...not saying she denied you, but she certainly brought her A game to the affair.

As a man, I can't see how men accept that direct personal insult...to be treated as second best via actions and effort. It is a level of disrespect I can feel like the dinosaurs felt when a meteor hit the earth.

Frankly...if you have not, I would ask her for a written timeline and demand it be fully filled out and R rated. Then Poly...I know...why, as you are already Ding her. It matters long term. Truth matters for closure. A poly brings it out from her without you having to elicit and confront as that path to revelation won't heal much as she won't be doing it herself. Poly her...then D her for lying all this time.

Good luck.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8597366
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

OP do you think your WW might have borderline personality disorder? Her behavior is really depraved and anti-social.

wearing masks like this, different personas to match the circumstance, is part and parcel to a BPD because they are hollow people who don’t have a real identity they can define.

Or at least there’s a debate about whether they actually have an authentic personality that one can find and redeem.

They are playing a part on a stage for whatever audience they happen to be performing for at the time.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8597421
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:32 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Go back to longsadstory1952 post on the bottom of page 2. Its good, sound advice.

Don’t try to psychoanalyze her or find some label to explain her actions. None of us are qualified to tell you she’s got BPD, SA or anything like that.

Deal with reality with reality.

That reality is (amongst other things) that if your youngest is 17 he will have say on where he lives.

Child support won’t really be an issue.

That reality is that once divorced you and your ex will probably take some time WELL apart. That idea of dating again and all that… it’s fantasy. Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage. One would hope you two manage to remain amicable and maybe even friendly but divorcing to reset a marriage is like stopping your heart to get a steadier beat.

The reality is that the laws in your state will dictate if your wife is entitled to your pension/savings or not. Doesn’t matter what you want – it’s more a question what you can do and have to accept.

Equal distribution and/or 50/50 does not mean she get’s half your pension, the left half of the Ford and the right half of the BMW. It basically means assets are tallied up, debt is tallied up and both leave with a fair share of both. “Fair” is the point your attorneys will be arguing over. You could give away more of one asset to retain another: give her more equity in the home to retain your pension.

If you have decided to divorce you can omit further discovery. It’s not as if finding yet another phone or discovering another affair will make you divorce her more. You have already committed to the jump and all that’s left is to pull the chord and land safely.

Your kids – especially as young adults -deserve to know why you are divorcing. Definitely does not have to be graphic or in detail. But they deserve to know that the reason you decided to divorce was due to their mom’s infidelity. Do this carefully with a reminder that although this broke her vow to you as her husband, it does not break any obligation she might have to them as a mom and vice-versa.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10016   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8597434
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

You're lucky to have a Jerry in your life, man. I had my version of Jerry, unfortunately both of our marriages dissolved at roughly the same time, so our bitching sessions got kind of bitter-- but therapeutic.

Jerry: “Yeah she wanted to know how you were doing. You know what I told her? It was none of her F**king business. She didn’t like it. Started saying how she knew I didn't like her and she understood that but she really cared about SeeYa and was worried about SeeYa and wanted to let him know how much she really loves Seeya. So I asked her if any of that ever crossed her mind while she had another guys d**k in her mouth?..and then she hung up?

She's starting to realize that word might be getting around about her actions and the reason for separation, and she's not very happy about it. NPDs rarely are.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 774   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8597436
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:23 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Jerry is a good mate! Get him a beer 🍺

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8597614
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 11:41 PM on Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

Certainly puts the encounter at the party recently in a different light. You can't be sure now that she hasn't been seeing him all along. Seeing him for another year beyond what you knew about has got to be kick in the stomach after the drama you went through on D-Day. I don't think I could recover from this but you might be able to. The thing is that she has had a couple of years to destroy that phone and she hasn't. You found it by accident, you could have done that same thing any number of times over the past two years.

Perhaps she forgot it was there but it is hard to believe that. It would seem to me that any time you went in that closet she would get a little panic. It really seems to me like it was something she didn't want to get rid of to keep it there. So she lied that they were through, she kept it going for at least a year and she kept a trophy. I wonder if there are more. When I caught my WW I figured out a few months later that some of the new clothes she got over the time were actually presents from the POSOM and she continued to wear them after D-Day. She of course said she didn't remember that he gave them to her.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8597626
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 12:11 AM on Thursday, October 15th, 2020

Faithfulman I owe you a HUGE apology when I respond to your post with this..

I don't believe her mind is "warped". I think she truly made systematic bad decisions based on selfish behavior and got caught up in a fantasy and was not prepared for the resulting reality....Pisses me off but I really believe that at this point.

Her mind is definitely warped.

Seeya, no need to apologize to me, her behavior that you described just seemed very batty and unstable.

It was almost impossible that she didn't continue the affair in some way because she went directly to the "intermediary friend" strategy days after you busted her.

***

As far as "warped" the way I see it, cheaters fall mostly into two categories:

1) Don't give a fuck, just want to get their jollies - not "warped" people in the sense that they live in an alternate reality, just supremely selfish and callous.

2) People who somehow think they can maintain an affair and their committed relationship simultaneously. They don't think that what they are doing is evil and can make it right in their mind, then expect you to forgive them and move on.

The second type really live in lala land, and often range from just "off" to "nutty as hell".

I think your wife is somewhere in between. I hope you are able to move on rather than subject yourself to a life with her moving forward.

I think in your original thread she accused you of not totally committing to reconciliation. And you said she was kinda right.

That my friend, was your gut and your better intuition, and finally, your principles, that would not allow you to ever relax while the person who stuck the knife in your back was sleeping under your roof, in your bed.

***

As for the materials she sent out. Again - nutty for her to think that lewd materials sent to another cheater won't some day be exposed. I feel terrible for you and your children. On the other hand, she will get exactly what she bargained for.

You need to "gets the hell out" and as you see or hear about her every now and then in the years to come, don't be surprised at her deterioration.

Good luck brother.

posts: 887   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8597642
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