Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo


D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

I have been in Divorce/Separation but seeing as this is a new D-Day ..well here I am. My original thread is on here so the details are in there...I don’t know where to post so I’m probably breaking some kind of rule. Right now I’m pretty much in No eff’s to give mode.

Yesterday after I posted in the other forum, I received word that I was needed at a meeting at our home office on Thursday which is located about six hours away. I needed to make arrangements to pick up more things from the home I used to have with my STBX so I sent her a text to set up a time and I decided to go today after she left for work. All good. I get there a little after 8 am and begin to gather some things and I go into the walk in closet in the master bedroom. As I’m looking for a particular pair of shoes, I start working my way around the closet from my side to her’s. I’m not seeing them so I figure they have made their way to her area. As I’m going along, I am pushing the clothes back so I can see under them all the way to the wall. As I came to some long rain coats and lab coats of her’s I felt something heavy hit my hand. I look in the pocket of one of her lab coats. A cell phone. An unfamiliar cell phone.

Of course, I already know in my gut what this is so I try to turn it on but it’s dead. I look around and see her charger next to bed and luckily it's the same type. It's too dead to turn on so I leave it and finish getting my things. About twenty minutes later I finish up and check the phone and I am able to turn it on.

I found her hidden gmail account. Texts, pics, vidoes, etc. I only looked briefly but I saw dates that carried into 2018. Remember, She supposedly had last contact in July of 2017. I shut the phone off and put it in my pocket and went home. I spent another two hours coping off the pictures and videos. I created a new gmail account and forwarded all the emails and screenshots of text messages to it. She was using an app called Viber and Messages...both still had chat history. Again I took screenshots of everything. From a brief look at things it actually ended in February 2018. I have not looked at the details. I eventually took the phone back to her house and put it back where I got it. BTW the phone no longer was connected to a carrier and it did not connect to our home network automatically. I checked it was configured to our old network which I upgraded from in January 2019...I wrote the phone number down.

To say I am mad would be a huge understatement. She even had the gall to leave a note on the dining room table telling me to be careful and reaffirming her love and how much she wants to earn my trust back so we could grow old together and travel like we always wanted to do. WHAT THE HELL?!? How screwed up in the head do you have to be to freaking do shit like this and act like you actually care for the person you are betraying?

The pictures and videos I briefly watched are ...pure humiliating. Not just for me but for her. I am so scared of what I'm going to read and see in this crap. For god sake in some of them she’s dressed up in little girl clothes with the time she was 45 years old. And one video is ...I can’t I won’t describe. I can’t process this stuff right now. I just needed to tell somebody before I broke down and called her.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO CONFRONT HER RIGHT NOW. But when I do...and you better freaking believe I will, I'm not sure how to go about it. I need to read through this trash and get a plan together. God I hope our kids never see this stuff.

I have already contacted my attorney to find out about proceeding with the divorce.

Hey world? I think I’ve had enough kicks to my nuts, Okay? Thanks.

305 comments posted: Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Conflicted Dreams about Stbxww...starting separation

I had posted in Just Found Out so the background is there under the title “Advice on helping my children”

Met with the STBXW Monday evening and went over the separation agreement. This is the first face-to-face meeting we have had since the confrontation on the Sunday morning after the party. Hard to believe it has been three weeks.

We went over the agreement my lawyer wrote up at my suggestion. Basic stuff regarding financial responsibilities during the separation and an agreement to revisit them in six months. We put in some place guards regarding the kids. Mainly that the kids are not subjected to negative talk about the other spouse when in each other's presence, which I would never do, but I wanted her to know I was serious about helping repair her relationship with the kids. With their age though this is more of a gesture of kindness. I fear she will have a long road on that front. And with the agreement officially puts a time stamp on the separation date and will help satisfy the cooling off period needed by the court and gets me past our sons 18th birthday.

She mentioned there was nothing in the agreement about dating other people. I just told her if she wanted to date she was free to do so. She said that is not what she meant (I knew she was fishing to see if maybe I had REALLY moved on). I made it clear that during the six month separation it was up to each of us to decide what direction they wanted to go at the end of the separation period and I think dating someone else would be a clear indication that that person had decided the marriage was over. Personally, I have no thoughts of seeing anyone and do not believe it would be a good idea for me anyway. But I did not tell her that. I told her not to sign the agreement until she took it to a lawyer but I have my doubts she will.

We have a family counseling session with our son Wednesday.. I have an online consultation with this counselor this afternoon and she does too as well. Then Wednesday afternoon the three of us, she, our son and myself are slated for a one hour in person session.

I agreed to give her the first thirty minutes of the meeting to say whatever she wanted to say but that I would probably not respond or if I did she would not like what I had to say. I chose to not respond.

Basically the bullet points from that thirty minutes are:

No she does not have feelings for the other man.

Yes she did have a fleeting sense of “fondness” for him and it disgusted her and contributed to her drinking too much out of disgust and shame. As well as fear that I would get in trouble again.

Yes she was hiding resentment towards what she felt was me not progressing in the reconciliation. She should have talked to me about it but she was afraid I was contemplating leaving and she was scared that by bringing it up it would hasten my leaving.

She has no idea about the “love of my life” statement. She admitted it was what he said to her the evening I was arrested. She has no idea if she was just repeating it or what in her “drunken state”. She simply states she’s sorry and has no explanation and it’s not true and never was.

She apologized again about lying and not telling me about the two phone calls after supposed no contact. She admits that she was concerned about him the first call but had already decided not to call him again after talking to the counselor at the church but he called her friend and would not stop calling her friend that day She was afraid he would call her phone. Again she was afraid by telling me it would end any chance of fixing our marriage.

She is devastated at the damage she has done to me and our marriage and especially the kids.

And the obligatory, I'll do whatever needs to be done to fix it.

To her credit:

She never shifted any blame which is something she never did after the original DDay. She is and always has taken responsibility.

I believe she is remorseful. Oddly enough I have no doubt of this.

I believe it was only two calls after DDay. She went so far as to track down the former co-worker and ask her via text to describe what happened regarding the calls. She had me read them.

But right now I just cannot work toward any type of reconciling. Those lies for two years about the two phone calls after establishing no contact are just right here in front of my forehead and I cannot see past them.

After we discussed the separation agreement she asked for a hug prior to leaving. I gave her a hug but I had a very noticeable reaction of...revulsion. I just kind of went to hug her and as soon as she got her arms around me I removed her hands and said no. I can’t do it. Her reaction was pretty devastating but I just could not help it. It’s just not in me. Will it come back? I don’t know but not right now. No it’s just not there and I want to proceed with divorce.

Now this gets me to my question.

Last night I had very explicit dreams. That is very unusual for me. I tend to not remember dreams. I’m 50 years old and can count on one hand the number of dreams I remember once I wake up. These were extremely explicit dreams of a sexual nature about me and my STBX. Is that normal even though I had a very negative reaction to her physical contact? I mean it really messes with your head...A LOT! I understand that I have the residual feelings for her. I was ashamed of not being able to hug her though. And it was extremely hard not to comfort her when she was upset trying to plead her case. But the physical reaction to her touch really jarred me. After the original DDAY there was no physical intimacy for a while but my reaction was not this visceral…it's a deep down guttural dislike of her touch right now. Not necessarily her but her touch.

Some of my research has suggested an increase in exercise and physical activity to help but honestly, it’s been a long time since I have had to take a cold shower and it has really thrown me for a loop.

One final update. My daughter has found a counselor and is doing online sessions. She has not spoken to her mother since she and her brother visited her over a week ago. She is sending her mother to voicemail when she calls. This Is the relationship I fear will not heal.

(and just as I was getting ready to post this she sent an email asking to add a “date night” once a week to the agreement. She was afraid that by not at least having some physical time together it would give a “false sense of irreconcilability”. I explained to her that I needed to be apart completely for a period of time. Or at least as completely as possible. I needed to decide what I wanted to do and not what I should do. I needed to know if I could get over this or not. She apologized and said she would sign the agreement as is and she knows she was being selfish and would take the same time to work on herself and be a better wife if I decided to come home.)

23 comments posted: Tuesday, October 6th, 2020

Advice on helping my children

I had intended this to be the place to first post my problem. But, issues with getting registered and it being time sensitive caused me to turn to the subreddit. I got really good feed back there and I am grateful. I can always use more help so I guess I'll first post my original reddit thread. Then my update this morning.


In July of 2017, I caught my wife cheating. It was brief, but accelerated from 0 to 100 real quick. Their interaction began on Facebook messenger on a Monday. They had met the Friday before at a work function. Their second meeting. Their first was a year prior at the same work function. It was local and he was a vendor for her company. Both meetings were brief and I am 100 percent sure there was nothing between them prior to or after these meetings until he contacted her the Monday after the second meeting.

The first messages were simple, hello and nice to see you again. But they talked off and on all day. The next evening he opened up with a proclamation of his attraction to her. She laughed it off at first but he continued. Two hours later she admitted to a physical attraction to him. This went on until Sunday and he arranged a hotel she joined him and it went physical. She got home and later that night ended it and apologized to him for letting it go too far. Two days later the messages start again and once again the following Sunday they meet at the same hotel. I found out that afternoon after getting on the computer and she accidentally left her Facebook logged in and and she messengered him after leaving to once again tell him they had to stop. Unlike many betrayed spouses, I had the entire affair in front of me. No doubts about what happened. No gaps. No lies. No gas lighting. I confronted her. It was bad. She immediately told him I knew and told him never to contact her.

I stayed home the next day because I was a wreck while she went to her mom's to give me space. She took my car because we had an appointment to get hers serviced at dealer but I could not stand to be in the thing or to go. The affair guy found out she was not at work so came by our house to try to see her. It did not go well. I recognized him when he got out and I met him on our front porch. I beat him up bad. Enough that he lost control of bladder and bowels. I sent a picture to my wife and told her she can have him. I was arrested (neighbors witnessed it), bonded out and charges dropped because he refused to press charges. I guess he afraid his wife would find out. He told here he was mugged or some stupid crap. She eventually learned the truth because I told her.

After three years of therapy, apologies, begging, changing jobs, and, to her credit doing everything right, I felt we were over the hump. This year has been the closest to normal I have felt in three years.

Saturday Night

We were invited to a party. It was a large party given by one of our friends. We walk in and five minutes later I look across the room and there he is with some older woman I recognize but don't know (the friend of a friend of the host). My wife looks in the direction I'm looking and sees him. He notices her. My wife turns around and walks off. He gathers his date and leaves.

I choose to ignore it. My wife though starts to really get into the booze. Later in the evening she disappears and I find her drunk and alone in the driveway. She's really drunk. While I guide her to the car, she's crying and mumbling. In the car she gets mad and starts yelling about how I have ruined her life and I've been so mean to her in the past. I'm really shocked at the outburst but due to what I learned while going through the early days of our separation I decide to start recording it on my phone and for about five minutes shes cussing me and bringing up my temper and how bad of a husband I had been. Then she says, "I can't believe you forced me to give up the love of my life. The only man that made me feel special. You beat him up and now he won't ever come near me." it went on for another five minutes and she eventually just passed out asleep. I put her in the guest room when we got home and I went upstairs to try to sleep.

In the morning I had already decided on divorce. And I am still going that route. She woke up late wondering why she was in the guest room and I just cast my phone to the TV and let her watch the video. Not going to lie her reaction was devastation. I don't think she was faking. She was shocked she expressed those feeling about the guy but it didn't matter. Somewhere inside her she loved him and I WAS DONE. I AM DONE.

The problem

At the time of her affair our children were 14 and 16. They knew we were having issues and that I had moved out but they never knew why as far as I know. I never told them. They are now 17 and 19. My daughter lives two hours away in the city where she goes to college and has stayed pending re-opening of school. She has an apartment she shares with two other girls and has been almost 100% self supporting outside of school expenses which are paid by a scholarship and an account her grandparents set up for our kids. My son, who was staying with his cousin over the weekend came back home Monday to me being gone. In an attempt try and rescue our marriage my soon to be ex-wife confessed everything to them both. It was bad. My daughter absolutely will not respond to her and I understand she unloaded on her mom. My son just got up and packed a bag and called me and asked if he come stay with me. I am currently renting a home from a real estate friend of mine. My son has only said that he wants to not talk right now and I have told him that's okay. My daughter this morning reached out to me and wants to stay with me when she comes home tonight. She wants to talk face to face. I know that she and my son have been talking but I don't know what they have discussed between them.

I really don't know what to do to help them through this..wife is blowing up my phone. Other than letting her know our son is with me and safe I have not responded. I have shut it off and bought a cheap pay as you go phone. Only my kids, work, and father have the number and know where we are staying. I have taken the week off to process this and speak to a lawyer..I work from home anyway right now so it won't be too much of a strain to go back to work but there are a lot of Zoom meetings so I'm not up to people seeing me right now.

The children are my concern right now. How do you help them process this? I can't stand the thought of them hating their mother like I do right now. She's still their mother. Yes she has to live with the results of her actions but they need a relationship with their mother just as much now as they did when they were younger. Any advice to help them or at least help me not make it worse on them.

53 comments posted: Thursday, September 24th, 2020

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