I hope this last Dday (3rd ) helps you to understand the choices you were forced to make.
Thank you for this because this is exactly how I feel right now. I am being FORCED to make decisions. This goes to my core as someone that has been very conscientious about any decision making.
Gently you should probably stop thinking this way. I don’t want to add to your burden and I’m so sorry about this.
This wasn’t temporary insanity. She didn’t forget about the phone.
I always found it helpful to think about the difference between possibility and probability.
It’s possible it was temporary insanity. It’s possible she forgot about the phone.
Neither is probable. It stretches credulity to think otherwise.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Yeah I don't believe it either but in an attempt to regain some of that control I was speaking of above, I'm just labeling it and putting it in a box.
Her reply was, “That’s the problem I found myself in when you came back home. If I told you the truth how could I prove it was only phone calls. I could only do then what I am doing now. Tell you and pray you believe me because I have no proof. But emotions were so raw and I knew how bad I had messed up. I did not think we could take another blow to our marriage and survive. I’m sorry I kept this from you then. But that is the truth. All of it.”
At the point you do confront, I believe it’s important to remind her of this statement.
I believe she loves you, but she is very broken.
I don’t think you’ve ever said what work you both did to reconcile? Did she ever work in IC to determine why she thought it was the right thing to do to start this relationship with him?
And now you know it continued in some fashion even after you “broke” him.
Someday she may be a safe partner for someone, but not until some real work on herself and who she is and who she wants to be. She lacks moral character right now.
D is definitely the right path. She’s unfortunately not a candidate right now for being with anyone. I think she has a long hard road of self analysis ahead of her and frankly it’s going to be rough.
Someday you may be able to create a new relationship but not as the person she is right now. I think you can coparent well in the meantime, but anything more than that type of partnership would be doomed to failure.
I feel for you. I actually feel empathy for her too. She can’t get out of her own way. I truly believe she wants a life with you but doesn’t know how to do it right. That’s sad.
I believe the scenario you pointed out in your post...possible R after D and her getting help...is probable where I was honestly prior to finding the phone.
So while I understand you are going to wait on exposure of these new revelations, it’s probably best you let her know that D is guaranteed, even if later you agree to try to build something new. No promises of that necessary.
I hope you are able to get that across to the family counselor so they can work with you all appropriately and not push you to do things that force your hand to reveal anything too soon.
This is a good place to address the family counseling thing. My son reacted in a very uncharacteristic way when this all exploded. He's pretty laid back and happy. He became quite angry and emotional as I think many of us would. But it was compounded by what he felt was all of us, his mother, his sister, and myself ,lying to him over the past three years. The counselor has touched on another reason in private with us but I'm not going into that. It is his and not mine to share.
The goal here is to help him process this in a way that does not further fracture the current family relationships and future relationships. Give him the tools to handle it on his own.
It is not about me and his mom getting back together. The counselor has been told by me privately that I plan on divorcing his mother. Tonight's session dealt with that in greater detail. In her email summary she sends to his mother and I after the sessions she actually wants to talk to him only next week.
OP do you think your WW might have borderline personality disorder? Her behavior is really depraved and anti-social.
wearing masks like this, different personas to match the circumstance, is part and parcel to a BPD because they are hollow people who don’t have a real identity they can define.
Or at least there’s a debate about whether they actually have an authentic personality that one can find and redeem.
They are playing a part on a stage for whatever audience they happen to be performing for at the time.
It would explain a lot I guess but I have not seen anything else that would suggest it.
Lawyer called me while I was traveling. He has recommended a course of action that includes retaining an actual divorce attorney. His reasoning was sound as was his financial strategy and I have three referrals and I'll talk to them as soon as I can.
During the video counseling session I actually pu a sticky note over her face. Petty perhaps but it helped. I did my best to act normal but I obviously failed. After the session she sent a text to give her first impression on how our son was acting after counseling and included this:
"I'm glad you made it to XYZ okay. Are you feeling well? You seemed distant".
I ignored it and went and took a shower too get ready to go out and eat some supper. She sent a second text.
"I'm sorry. I know I broke the rules I was worried."
Ignored it also.
Had lunch with a couple of fellow worker drones. Tried to get some office gossip about the meeting tomorrow. No luck.
I know I say this a lot but ..Thank you all so much. You're making an old man feel better everyday.