Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:09 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

I am now more than ever convinced there is a huge piece of this puzzle I am missing.

I think this is common and is partially a result of the trauma, partially a result of the trickle truth, partially a result of the "training" we've received from movies that there's going to be some big reveal/reversal moment like Darth Vader telling Luke he's his father.

Like you don't already know this, but real life doesn't happen that way. Finding a burner phone with sickening images on it is about as dramatic a reversal as you'll get in real life -- and hoo boy, brother, that one's a doozy.

So now you're waiting for the other shoe or that final puzzle piece. But maybe there just isn't one.

Ultimately it doesn't matter, because you're never going to get the whole story or the real truth. You're going to have to come to terms with that.

It's hard. I'm still struggling with that as I move forward with divorce from my WW.

She failed the poly. She's lying to me. She won't tell me the truth. I'm going to have to end it and move on knowing that. It will just have to be that way.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:10 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8600586
default

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 11:55 PM on Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

Man. I will say this once and then I will stop. The idea that you get points by softening the blow by making soulful statements like I love you etc. or You so hurt me and it will take years for me to find my heart etc Will make you look whiny and give her false hope that she can talk you out of this.

Rhapsodic perjury to the effect that maybe you can get together again after the divorce is not a good idea.

Look, as soon as the shock wears off she will behave like any cornered animal and fight to tear out your throat. And that too will wear off after she realizes that she can go easy or hard.

You need to be firm and fair, and not foul, but you should not give mixed messages.

And for craps sake do not do it in a public place unless you want every Tom and Dick within half a mile to want to intervene as she rolls around the ground weeping and wringing her hands. Ask me how I know.

A simple, “I know we talked about waiting a bit but that was before I found your burner phone and what’s on it. We’re done. I will be instructing my lawyer to send you my proposal for an amicable settlement. Please communicate with her about that from now on. We have nothing more to say to each other except that which applies to the immediate needs of the children. Please do not contact me again for any other reason.”

Trust me. Direct from the shoulder is best here. I still see no reason to sit her down and watch the waterworks and the guilt dumping. There is no reason at all that this cannot be done by phone. And there is no softening the blow by being there holding her hand.

Just get it done.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 5:59 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8600623
default

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 12:16 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

What leads you to believe you are missing a key piece of the puzzle?

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 587   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8600627
default

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Your mind searching for the missing piece to the puzzle is a normal part of the grieving process.

It's your rational mind trying to make sense of what you see as your wife's self destructive/irrational behavior.

You'll keep trying (less as time/years goes by) but you won't succeed.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:46 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8600636
default

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 1:57 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

longsadstory1952 said:

Man. I will say this once and then I will stop. The idea that you get points by softening the blow by making soulful statements like I love you etc. or You so hurt me and it will take years for me to find my heart etc Will make you look whiny and give her false hope that she can talk you out of this

.

I am a little confused by this part of your post. The purpose of any face to face meeting about a divorce is to help mitigate any possible escalation. I am simply asking opinions about this POSSIBLE tactic. I don't think I mentioned anything along the lines of what you stated. Maybe I am missing something. Or maybe I did a poor job communicating the intent of my purpose for asking. The rest of your post makes perfect sense and falls into one of the two common camps.

What leads you to believe you are missing a key piece of the puzzle?

Gut. Just a gut feeling. Or it could be just this...

Your mind searching for the missing piece to the puzzle is a normal part of the grieving process.

It's your rational mind trying to make sense of what you see as your wife's self destructive/irrational behavior.

You'll keep trying (less as time/years goes by) but you won't succeed.

Another mini update

The therapist requested I zoom her after my son's session. She reviewed his session with me and is of the opinion stopping the sessions with him would be okay. She asked me again if I had decided on therapy for myself and I told her no. I am not interested in it right now. She then told me that the STBXWW has requested a joint session. Me, her, and the family therapist . She stated the STBXWW is coming to terms with the fact we are divorcing and wants to speak to me and "clear the air". The therapist has offered her services for that meeting. My STBX tried this with her original therapist before and I declined. I declined this time also. I am not meeting her face to face until I have no other alternative.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8600666
default

faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 2:19 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

She stated the STBXWW is coming to terms with the fact we are divorcing and wants to speak to me and "clear the air". The therapist has offered her services for that meeting. My STBX tried this with her original therapist before and I declined. I declined this time also.

Good.

Fuck this mediation by therapist bullshit.

It almost paints you as some type of person that she should be afraid of.

When cheaters want a therapist in the middle it's generally because they want a referee to give them a chance to deliver lies and excuses.

She is a grown woman and she did what she did without the help of a therapist (I hope). She can write a letter.

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8600676
default

DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 2:29 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

The purpose of any face to face meeting about a divorce is to help mitigate any possible escalation.

She stated the STBXWW is coming to terms with the fact we are divorcing and wants to speak to me and "clear the air". The therapist has offered her services for that meeting. My STBX tried this with her original therapist before and I declined. I declined this time also. I am not meeting her face to face until I have no other alternative.

That being said then just keep doing what you’re doing, no need for an extravagant plan. I don’t think you need to provide her with a face-to-face, just let her know you’ve met a lawyer and filing. If you have to provide her for a reason for D it’s pretty easy, “you continue to lie”.

You’ve spoken about red-flags and missing parts of (I believe) the developing stages. That was a big part for me: how this all happen, how did the A develop. My issues were more with the developing stages (I guess the EA) that led to the PA than the PA itself.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:36 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 331   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8600680
default

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Actually, the joint appointment may be a good opportunity for you give your STBX the scoop. 'Clearing the air' may also be her laying a bit more trickle-truth.

As for the missing piece, I suspect it is rather simple. You need to know why. You already know the answer to that...

Because she wanted to.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 587   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8600684
default

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 3:14 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I would use the IC to try and get negotiated settlement.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8600686
default

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:18 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I was trying to tout you away from Stevesn idea. This is not a good appraoch

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8600697
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:26 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

A simple, “I know we talked about waiting a bit but that was before I found your burner phone and what’s on it. We’re done. I will be instructing my lawyer to send you my proposal for an amicable settlement. Please communicate with her about that from now on. We have nothing more to say to each other except that which applies to the immediate needs of the children. Please do not contact me again for any other reason.”

Love it. Go with this. Good stuff.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8600702
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:32 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

She then told me that the STBXWW has requested a joint session. Me, her, and the family therapist . She stated the STBXWW is coming to terms with the fact we are divorcing and wants to speak to me and "clear the air". The therapist has offered her services for that meeting. My STBX tried this with her original therapist before and I declined. I declined this time also. I am not meeting her face to face until I have no other alternative.

Nope. Nopety. Nope. Nope.

Do not do this.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8600708
default

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 6:14 AM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Listen to your gut, it is your sub-conscious telling you something is off however; is it pain shopping?

She stated the STBXWW is coming to terms with the fact we are divorcing and wants to speak to me and "clear the air". The therapist has offered her services for that meeting.

Your call I understand the hurt and betrayal.You know your wife the best.

But I am just thinking of her mental well being. You know what your path forward is. But is STBX asking for help? Can it hurt to help her?

Not having a go or anything.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8600726
default

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:19 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

NC contributes to your sense of control plus it provides some emotional protection.

IMO, meeting her face to face offers you nothing.

NC drives the wayward crazy.

She's simply attempting to work around your NC by using the therapist to gain access.

NC deprives them of 'control' as well as the visual & verbal tools they use to manipulate you with:

guilt, feeling sorry for them, remembering the good times, appealing to the 'white knight' or begging, or venting/blaming you, and outright lying ...(the list is endless).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:20 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8600800
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

SeeYa

Just to be clear to all my last post was an attempt to answer your question as asked, which was how to find a way to communicate to her that you intended to proceed with divorce with the following 2 guiding objectives:

1) Under advice from your lawyer, not reveal anything about the phone you found or it’s contents

2) Find a way to communicate this while at the same time mitigate any possible escalation of emotion or aggression on her part.

I still stand by my advice on how I would proceed based on what you asked and hope you will consider it along with input from anyone else here who also directly responded to what you indicated you were looking for. I believe that if you can get her to see the D process as a way to start to make amends for all the negative choose she has made and destructive actions she has taken, you will go far in achieving those goals.

If you had asked us a different question such as how you could approach her with the greatest shock effect or what is the best way to get her to confess to her lies and true feelings, then my answer would have appropriately been much different.

But that’s not what you were looking for and you deserve answers to the questions you do ask.

That said, and at risk of directly being called out by a fellow poster again, I want to add to my response by supporting what Buffer just wrote above and perhaps expanding on it.

Previously you wrote about wanting to have a “face to face” to communicate that you intend to proceed with the D. But most recently you mentioned you are going to wait for that meeting until you have no alternative.

That confuses me a bit but regardless, whenever you do choose to sit down with her, I believe doing it with the therapist in the room can be a good choice.

It can provide a safe place not just for your WW, but for you as well. That is what I was alluding to when I recommended talking to her in a semi-public space if you were worried at all about her getting agitated and as a way of ensuring that she didn’t falsely accuse you of physical harm (something we never expect from our spouses but a lesson learned by more than a few here, it can happen).

Having the therapist in the room is probably the best way to protect from something like that.

But more importantly if you chose to go that route you could set boundaries with the Counselor, the most important of which would be that she would not in any way steer the discussion toward the alternative of waiting for a while before starting the D process. She would need to know that even a full (Long overdue) disclosure by your wife will in no way divert you from the need to legally end the marriage she has destroyed.

The only way that path to rebuild even exists is to start from scratch AFTER the divorce is completed (and not very likely), and the therapist’s focus and role now should solely be on helping you both navigate that process in the best possible way and, when necessary, by providing support to your children through it.

By the way the Counselor phrased the request to you it appears to me that she understands this and thinks it would be a good way to initiate the process to end the marriage. But you would need to confirm that.

I hope you will consider utilizing the family counselor in this way. While you will have to hear whatever it is your wife wants to “fully confess”, it will give you the opportunity to communicate your plans fully, hopefully without divulging what your lawyer has urged you to protect, and give you a good chance to find a way to get your wife to make it an amicable, instead of contentious process.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:39 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8600830
default

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 4:32 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

longsadstory1952

I was trying to tout you away from Stevesn idea. This is not a good appraoch

Ah I see now. LOL it was so much different from what I was used to reading from you. I felt like I must have missed something there. Thank you for the clarification.

Thumos

Nope. Nopety. Nope. Nope.

Actual in my head I said, "Hell fucking no". To the therapist I said pretty much what you did..."Nope. Nope. And Nope."

Buffer

Your call I understand the hurt and betrayal.You know your wife the best.

But I am just thinking of her mental well being. You know what your path forward is. But is STBX asking for help? Can it hurt to help her?

Not having a go or anything.

One day at a time.

I do not wish to hurt her in any way. I know how weird that sounds but it is the truth. I still have love for her. I am not able to shut those feelings down at a moments notice. If I could then I would have been the one to have an affair. That said, I have to fix myself first. I HAVE to come first right now. If I don't, then I cannot help anyone.

Robert22205https

NC contributes to your sense of control plus it provides some emotional protection.

IMO, meeting her face to face offers you nothing.

NC drives the wayward crazy.

She's simply attempting to work around your NC by using the therapist to gain access.

NC deprives them of 'control' as well as the visual & verbal tools they use to manipulate you with:

guilt, feeling sorry for them, remembering the good times, appealing to the 'white knight' or begging, or venting/blaming you, and outright lying ...(the list is endless).

I find it very hard to disagree with any of this.

Stevesn

Just to be clear to all my last post was an attempt to answer your question as asked, which was how to find a way to communicate to her that you intended to proceed with divorce with the following 2 guiding objectives:

1) Under advice from your lawyer, not reveal anything about the phone you found or it’s contents

2) Find a way to communicate this while at the same time mitigate any possible escalation of emotion or aggression on her part.

I understand and appreciate that. No issue with your post.

Previously you wrote about wanting to have a “face to face” to communicate that you intend to proceed with the D. But most recently you mentioned you are going to wait for that meeting until you have no alternative.

That confuses me a bit but regardless, whenever you do choose to sit down with her, I believe doing it with the therapist in the room can be a good choice.

I absolutely have no desire to meet with her at this point. But, I think it is inevitable. Now having to meet her does not equate to wanting to meet her. And I know you are aware of that. And I agree that the therapist being there would probably be better than most alternatives. But right now its off the table unless the benefit for me is greater than just closure. I want the answers but I also want to get out of here with my ability to keep as many of my plans for my own future intact as possible. I did not blow this up. She did. Will I feel this way tomorrow. If I have learned anything three years ago and again the past two months, it's I have no idea. Hell I could get on here tomorrow say I'm going to the meeting. It's just that messed up in my head right now. And I am sure you and others reading this understand that.

So to clarify the face to face meeting as of now.

I do not have any plans to see her face to face under any circumstances at the moment.

I will meet her face to face if it could create an advantage for me from a strategic stand point in a divorce. I'll leave that up to my lawyer.

Speaking of my lawyer, her reply to my email about the therapist's offer was as expected not a yes or no. She states it's my call. While she does not recommend it due to the likely hood of it being extremely emotionally charged, she will not dictate whether or not I should meet her. Just caution me that if I do, I need to exercise discretion in what I reveal.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8600856
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Your lawyer sounds smart.

As far as letting her know/not know about what you found. Given that the lawyer wants you to play it close to the chest right now.....vague is the way to go.

“ it has come to my attention that you have lied and are continuing to lie.“ Just that.

Her mental hamster will run itself to death on the wheel.

What is he talking about?

What does he know?

How did he find out?

Who has he spoken to?

Did my former lover tell him something?

Do other people know whatever it is he knows?

Is he going to tell other people?

Later, when you can lay it all out, if you even wish to, you can just tell her “I saw everything on the phone, you are now free to pursue your lover/master/owner or whatever it is you call him. I’m going to trade up.”

[This message edited by ramius at 10:52 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8600865
default

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 3:39 AM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Apparently, my refusal to meet face-to-face forced some strange movement on her part. About mid-morning Friday I received a package by a private courier service with the return address of a local Attorney’s office. Just to be clear, I was NOT served any legal documents. Inside was a cover letter, a three page document, and a sealed envelope with “I beg you, please read this. STBX”.

The cover letter was basically an introduction letter stating they have been retained by my STBX to represent her in possible divorce proceedings. It went on to talk about their clients desire to make this process as amicable and painless as possible. The three page document is a proposed division of property. And I might add, it’s not bad. It’s actually better than our opening offer.

The letter from the STBX was a ten page handwritten (legal pad paper front and back) confession/explanation/pleading/understanding of my desire to divorce. And I guess it sounds strange at first but, hell it makes more sense than anything else going on in this crap show.

At eighteen she fell for a guy that was 24 years old. He was her first and she fell hard. Yes it was the AP. Her parents did not like it and after only three months, they moved in together after her father and her had a huge fight over him. She says the first few months were good but he started to isolate her from her family and after about a year together the physical abuse started and not long after that the sexual abuse. She says that before she realized it she was in this weird relationship where he controlled every aspect of her life. After three years, her mother, who was having to sneak around to see her, saw bruises on the back of her neck and she eventually confessed to her mother what was going on and that day she packed her things and moved her back home. He caused some minor trouble when he found out she left but her dad handled it pretty quickly. Plus she felt pretty sure he was seeing other women by that time too. She also confessed to aborting a baby, without his knowledge, at some point prior to leaving because she was afraid of having his kid.

She got her life together and went to nursing school and two years later we met. She had moved on and she tried to forget about that period of her life. She wishes now that she had told me. She thinks if she had, then none of this would have happened because I would have helped her. But at the time she was afraid if I knew I would not want her. She offered any details I wanted during that time but warned me that the last six months of being with him were bad and she would need some time to get it all out.

Originally, she told me that she saw him next in July of 2016. Which was true. At the work function. What she did not tell me was that he flirted heavily with her and to her surprise she was receptive. She told him she was married and that was it. But, over the course of the next few weeks, he would randomly show up at her car when she got off work. He was apologetic about how he was when they were younger and she said over time she felt like he had changed and even felt sorry for him. She thought it was cathartic for both of them that they had this closure. This led to a couple of lunches. But according to her they had no physical contact other than brief hugs when they would meet and when they said good-bye. At some point the lunches became once a week and she began to talk about our marriage. The good and the bad. This led to feeling like he had changed and she felt they still had this connection because he took her virginity. It was a full blown emotional affair and as she put it, “she was back under his spell like before”. She knew about two weeks prior to the day they first had sex that she was going to sleep with him. He had kissed her and she let him. And from there she had let it spiral out of control. She did it and knew it was wrong. But she was caught in the fantasy of “what might have been”.

She then confessed about continuing the affair by way of sexting and “stuff”, but they never had any physical contact. She said now she realized he was afraid of me and would not meet her. His fear of me was greater than his desire to actually have her physically. She realizes now that everything that happened after I discovered the affair was not because he cared about her. It was about getting back at me and she willingly helped him. And she will never forgive herself for that. She said it ended in late February 2018. Her reasoning for it continuing is she thought I was leaving anyway and was afraid to be alone. And that coupled with their weird dynamic of him in control justified it in her mind. She said she would provide as many details as I want but would prefer to do it in the company of the family therapist. She gave no reason why. I did learn her mother knew I was not aware of their prior relationship before and after the affair. Not that the affair had continued but she knew who he was and that I was unaware of their prior relationship and she had an affair with him.

Yes I responded with a text. It was very short. “I am bothered that you did not confide in me years ago about what you went through. It would have never resulted in my leaving you. Whether you told me ten days into our relationship or ten years into our marriage it would have not made a difference to me. But everything after July 2016 is unacceptable and frankly disgusting and disturbingly cruel to put someone you're supposedly in love with through. And that not only includes me, but your children too. As for getting further details from you, I am not sure yet whether it matters or I care. I will forward your offer to my attorney”

Friday, I scanned and emailed the offer to my attorney. She is out of town visiting her oldest daughter. Come to find out she’s a single mother of three adult children. Saturday morning she responded via text with a “WTF?”. Which I might say cracked me up. She said that was a first for her. We talked by cell for a few minutes and I told her about the letter and the contents. I then read her my reply and she didn't see any issue with it. SO I sent it.

The children know nothing of this at all. I have ignored three phone calls from my ex mother in law. And the only reply from the STBX was “I am so sorry and ashamed of myself. I will do whatever you ask. Just let me know.”....and that’s it folks.

I just don’t care. I’m not really angry. I think the minute she decided she was not going to tell me about this prior relationship was the dumbest thing she ever did. Not because I deserved to know, but because it obviously affected her so bad. She tossed away the one person in the world that truly would have moved heaven and earth to help her get whatever she needed to heal. I still have no explanation from her for what she said while drunk. Her use of “stuff” to describe what she was doing until Feb 2018 was massive minimizing. Maybe she would come clean completely if we met face to face. I don’t know. But if it happens I’m not doing in front of anyone else so they can prop her up.

I think about how fast this has taken place but in reality, I have been dealing with this for three years. I have read on this board how some wives and husbands have just left and the betrayed are left with no answers. So I guess I’m lucky I have as much info as I have. I’ve read AHGuy’s story and think how much he has been through and never knew of his wife’s long term betrayal until recently. And Mrplspls finding out thirty years later. I am just astounded by the lack of any self respect or the massive inner loathing these cheaters must have to be able to do these things to people they profess their love to everyday.

I think I am in an okay place right now. I am fifty years old. I have a great career and have spent years being careful with my money. I’m in good health. I have two wonderful young adult children that I know love me. Even though I find myself alone at a time in my life I always envisioned my wife and I would be planning and going on trips and enjoying our new found freedom from the responsibility of raising kids, I'm not sad about it. I am a little scared of being alone again but I’m not sad. I absolutely have a plan for the coming months. I will be divorced as soon as possible. And life will go on.

I left a lot of details out but they don’t change the big picture. I will answer any of your questions and welcome any of your advice and observations but, as far as I am concerned it’s a wrap.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8601774
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:09 AM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

In a strange way you are right, you are lucky. You are being handed information that most BS’s would give their right are for. And your WS understands that there is little hope for her to rebuild what she has done and does not want to waste your time trying.

It sounds like you have a plan and that’s good. After what you’ve been through it is hard sometimes to be able to think about what you want and how to proceed. I’m glad you are able to and it appears that you have unlimited options in front of you.

As for what she has revealed, it sounds like it fills in some amazingly sad puzzle pieces. She has a long road of self introspection in front of her if she ever is going to right the damage that she has had in her life. She has made many poor choices because of it. I hope she can find the strength to do that work and become a healthier person.

But that is not your job nor your responsibility any more. Keep focusing on yourself. You are handling this well.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8601781
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 4:36 AM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

The three page document is a proposed division of property. And I might add, it’s not bad. It’s actually better than our opening offer.

This is awesome news. No need for negotiations. And you get more than you and your lawyer were hoping for.

Good on you for not falling into the white knight mindset and trying to rescue her.

Better days ahead for you.

[This message edited by ramius at 11:26 PM, October 24th (Saturday)]

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8601789
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211202 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy