Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:22 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

I am now more than ever convinced there is a huge piece of this puzzle I am missing.

This was less than a week ago. It is amazing how our gut will not let certain things go.

But hopefully, this clears up what your body was telling you.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8601855
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

She let you go three years thinking he was just some random guy.

You weren’t missing a piece of a puzzle. You were denied an entire picture the size of Nebraska.

You were given a tiny piece and asked to accept it as entire.

It is so sad that the one truth she told you is that this scumbag is the love of her life.

And by the way, she is still lying to your kids as far as I can tell. What a cluster fuck!

For a young adult to find out mom had a secret other internal life, and that grandma held that secret, and that the two of them conspired to hold that from their father is going to be horrible.

Now that she has a lawyer, shouldn’t some one suggest to her that it would be in the kids interest to take some action with om re the photos and video?

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 10:56 AM, October 25th (Sunday)]

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8601863
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 9:22 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Well, wow. That's an eye opener (her letter).

Does that change your opinion of your mother in law (which was positive in your first few post), knowing that she knew (AP) in advance? Had a past history with him and everything? Reading what you wrote about his past history of physical and sexual abuse, don't you think this was a major item you would want to know about? Strike that, I know it was. That just seems monumentally reckless-- not just of your STBX but her parents as well. Did they know the affair was going on while it was going on, too?

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 774   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8601939
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 12:34 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Brother strength to you and kudos to STBX to provide you with the truth.

Just a vent ‘the POS OM is a dog. It is never acceptable to control their partner. Let alone abuse them sexually, emotionally, financially or physically and he did that at the first part of STBX’s emotional life. She is a abuse survivor’. Vent over.

What she did in re establishing her emotional connection is on her and she should have said NO.

But she was physically conditioned to accept this, it was learned at a young age to accept. As you said you gut was telling you more, now you know. Accountability and responsibility is on her, but you now have way of her thought process. She is a survivor; but rug swept her abuse and in doing that she was manipulated by the OM. Future affected by the past. Yes she should have told you.

Keep to your plan and be there for the children, when ready be there for STBX with the FC.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8601980
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I think your wife was lucky to meet & marry you. Otherwise left to her own desires she may have ended up with a toxic/abusive POS like the AP.

IMO you should stay NC with her mother too. Nothing good for you in listening to anything she has to say. All too little to late.

IMO the AP being an X boyfriend is evidence that her recent affair (and fetish) was not recent but instead it was - a continuation of some deep seated personality issues plus an emotional attachment to another man that she kept hidden from you.

Just one more reason to move forward with your plan to divorce ASAP.

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8601985
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:14 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I actually hope she stays NC with the AP, especially for your kids sake. And while no longer your circus, I hope she doesn’t revert to a life with him instead of working on her own issues diligently in IC for the years to come.

It’s Truly sad When Someone’s own heart can lead them to such destruction.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:15 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8601995
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 2:37 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

IMO, Your kids are eventually going to need to be informed, at least partially, about this situation.

If your STBXW starts down the road of bad decisions again, they will need to know, for their own safety, to keep some distance from her. Hopefully she gets the help she needs and sticks with it.

But if not, who knows what type of men she will bring into their lives.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8602018
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 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

ramius

Good on you for not falling into the white knight mindset and trying to rescue her.

Believe me it's there. Especially where her mental health is concerned and how it will drive her future interactions with the kids. I am my first priority but I think at least a passive interest in her mental health for the short term my be warranted.

longsadstory1952

And by the way, she is still lying to your kids as far as I can tell. What a cluster fuck!

For a young adult to find out mom had a secret other internal life, and that grandma held that secret, and that the two of them conspired to hold that from their father is going to be horrible.

Now that she has a lawyer, shouldn’t some one suggest to her that it would be in the kids interest to take some action with om re the photos and video?

Other than the details I was assured she would write a letter or talk to the kids and inform them of the extent of her and her APs relationship. We'll see.

I'll touch on the MIL later

Now you have hit on the second something that I hinted at that bothered me about the phone data. She told me the phone was placed on the tire in the wheel well for her to pick up after work that Friday. In the entirety of the seven months the sexting/video thing happened, he sent three photos. Three. None of his face. Just three photos of close up shots of....not his face. Never once did he use her name. My point is, as far as she knows this could have been someone he just decided to hand her off to...I don't think it was but do you see my point? She was so reckless that she really had no proof that it was him. There was no reminiscing about old times. There was no casual chit chat to indicate they knew each other other than through sex. Again, I believe firmly it was him. But she has not even given it a thought I am sure. And it was one of the first things that hit me once the shock wore off.

KingofNothing

Does that change your opinion of your mother in law (which was positive in your first few post), knowing that she knew (AP) in advance? Had a past history with him and everything? Reading what you wrote about his past history of physical and sexual abuse, don't you think this was a major item you would want to know about? Strike that, I know it was. That just seems monumentally reckless-- not just of your STBX but her parents as well. Did they know the affair was going on while it was going on, too?

Does a bear sh*t in the woods? Yeah. It absolutely changes my view of her and unfortunately her father.If there comes a time we sit down and I ask questions, and that is a possibility, I need to know if her Dad knew I was not aware of her history of being sexually and physically abused. This is something I cannot fathom this man not telling his daughter she needs to tell her husband. He had already passed by the time of the affair but I need to know. He was good man and I have to think he was under the impression I knew.

Stevesn

I actually hope she stays NC with the AP, especially for your kids sake. And while no longer your circus, I hope she doesn’t revert to a life with him instead of working on her own issues diligently in IC for the years to come.

It’s Truly sad When Someone’s own heart can lead them to such destruction.

I have a fear of this but I can only let it be so much of a concern though. She's going to do what she's going to do.

A few thoughts. As I alluded to before, our meeting and me getting her to answer some questions is not 100% off the table. I am not been completely no contact from her due to my son's back and forth living arrangements but I have been COMPLETELY no physical contact. The contact has been mostly very short via text. That said like many of you know you go back and forth on a lot of things while going through this type of life changing event. Divorce definitely. But It is still possible we have a sit down at some point in the near future. I would guess when I have a counter offer. Not to share it but I would like to do it prior to filing anything. I don't know.

Honestly, I wish I was 21 again and out prowling around with my buddies looking for women right now. That would be completely out of character for me and I really want about 24 hours as someone else right now.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8602034
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 5:20 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Are you saying the scumbag bought her the phone? Then somehow communicated with her to send pics? And this went on for months?

How did she know to look for it if they weren’t meeting?

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8602044
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 5:22 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

SYO,

Your instincts have been serving you well so far.

One thing that I am a little apprehensive about is:

Other than the details I was assured she would write a letter or talk to the kids and inform them of the extent of her and her APs relationship.

I totally understand the rage and the hurt, but would advise caution on this. If you intend to cut your WW off completely form your kids, then by all means, continue on with the part in bold.

If you think that your kids should still have a relationship with their mother, then it might be good to tone down the part in bold. I know both are 'adults', but it might still be worth considering the ramifications.

Apart from your MiL, what about the cousin that your WW confided in, was she also privy to this new material information?

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 908   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8602045
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 7:31 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Chiming in again,

IMO the AP being an X boyfriend is evidence that her recent affair (and fetish) was not recent but instead it was - a continuation of some deep seated personality issues plus an emotional attachment to another man that she kept hidden from you.

. I don’t believe it was her fetish, but more of her trying to please him due to the power a abusive person has over their victim.

Even she stated it was AP trying to abuse the relationship as she married ‘SeeYaIamOut‘ and he was the one who stood up to him. AP is jus a POS trying to dominate persons nothing more.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8602053
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Ginny ( member #43196) posted at 12:04 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Are you sure you can believe this entire letter? It is very convenient that she comes off as the victim here. It may be totally true, but perhaps you should be a little wary.

Just something for consideration.

BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8602091
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 12:47 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

So your gut was right (there was something missing to her story).

Glad you now have this info as it certainly leaves no more wondering what in the heck was going on.

How F'd up that this OM was the "love of her life" (now knowing their history)??

As much as I would want to explain all of this to my kids there's a good chance that this could bring permanent damage to their relationship with their mother.

Your wife is very unstable. I'd be concerned what she might do to herself if the kids know this new info and it strains their relationship. Hard call to make. Might want to seek some guidance on how to best handle this.

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8602101
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:04 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I just caught up on your thread, SeeYa. It amazes me that when you think you have a unique situation, it isn't. There are similarities of my story to yours. My XWW's AP wasn't her first love or physically abusive or dominant in that way.

It's was her history of before we wed and how she never revealed most of it. There was a huge amount. Secrets make you sick.

My XWW didn't know me very well at all. Your WW didn't know you. I wouldn't have liked her story but, together, we could have worked on it as a team. She was my wife who I loved and cared about, who I wanted a full and long life with.

When I married it was for life, forever and ever. Adultery was, for me, a deal breaker. That was the only thing. Through our marriage things happened out of the blue that never were explained. Over the years of our marriage I asked my XWW to get help, please, because there was something wrong. She did a little but she resented it. Since she felt there wasn't anything wrong with her the real problem was me. In the 25th year of our marriage she started committing adultery in a 4 year LTA.

I reiterate this to you only from the perspective that there are others who have a similar history as yourself and have empathy. Your belief that, had you known, had she been transparent and trusted you, you would have helped her, held her, worked on it as a team is telling to me about your character. I like to believe I would have been the same.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8602103
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Your WW has some sort of Stockholm Syndrome going on. It would explain the way she allowed every boundary to fall in quick succession when he re-entered her life. Or, she never had any boundaries.

She is a seriously damaged person. I'm glad you are removing her from your life. Strength.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8602132
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I'm glad Ginny brought it up because it's worth mentioning. I know a BH whose WW was raped by her OM #2 and she blamed her OM #1 for it publicly. There's a poster right now dealing with his XWW saying he lied, manipulated and sexually coerced her online. He's just one of many BHs I've known who were falsely accused of sexual abuse by their WWs. It's not impossible that a woman would feel compelled to throw her family away for an abusive XBF and hide it from her BH of X years but her retelling of it is interwoven with things that you know are lies and minimizing. Take it with a grain of salt. Maybe he was abusive. Maybe she exaggerated in order for you to pity her. If you do sit down with MIL and ask questions, she may be as shocked as you are because it's the first time she's hearing about it too. I wouldn't blindly believe it in your shoes until you get confirmation from MIL.

Whether it's true or not - there is one big thing that stands out and it's no accountability. Even if it all happened exactly as she says, that doesn't mean OM is entirely to blame. That doesn't mean she was literally under his spell and being controlled by him. The only fault she admits is not telling you sooner but how about the fault that she had for ever opening that door for that POS in the first place? The whole letter sounds like one big blame shift. Blaming him for the A and blaming you and your potential reaction as to why she couldn't tell you. Blaming MIL for her involvement. Regardless of truth, this letter is framed in a very self serving way with little remorse.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8602135
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:00 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Her situation kind of reminds me of the film The Night Porter.

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8602136
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 3:28 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Are you sure you can believe this entire letter? It is very convenient that she comes off as the victim here. It may be totally true, but perhaps you should be a little wary.

Just something for consideration.

I'm leaning toward Ginny's assessment here.

While the "full story" you have now gotten may have a lot of truth in it, I feel there is a lot of spin.

It reeks of the old "Poor woman was victimized, manipulated, played by a playa" storyline.

here is my take: She liked the sleazebag and the way their relationship worked when she was 18, she liked him when she reconnected with him prior to her cheating on you, she liked him when she was cheating on you via sexting etc. after she was busted cheating and you gave him his just desserts, and she liked him when you both ran into him at the parts.

She likes him now.

Some people want the dynamic she enjoyed with the sleazebag. Her parents got involved and cut it off (At least publicly), but evidently that was not your wife's wishes. As she said, he was the "Love of her life".

Like I say, "a drunk person's words/actions are a sober persons thoughts".

As far as when she stopped seeing him, started seeing him again, stopped seeing him again-again, etc. - I wouldn't put much credence in that.

Several things you know for sure: Your wife is mentally twisted (sorry, I know that is rough) she will say anything to get what she wants in the moment, and she is capable of just about anything.

Be careful of getting involved with her outside of protecting your kids, who are at least old enough that they have the autonomy to protect themselves quite a bit.

Other than that, further involvement with her is a detriment to your future.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:29 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8602146
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Ginny ( member #43196) posted at 4:20 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Just so you know, I am a huge champion of women. I would support an abused woman in any way I could. (In fact, I have.)

I am, in this case, wondering if she is appealing to your “Knight in shining armor” tendencies to get her out of this mess.

You know her better than all of us, but it is definitely something to keep in mind as you move forward.

[This message edited by Ginny at 10:21 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8602172
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:49 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Wow. Thanks for the update. She aborted the baby of a man she later betrayed you with. Horrible.

I think the minute she decided she was not going to tell me about this prior relationship was the dumbest thing she ever did

This decision and the subsequent betrayal are part of a pattern of dishonesty in her life. She hasn’t been authentic with you the entire time you’ve been married.

There’s been a huge intimacy vacuum in your marriage you didn’t know about but it affected you in ways major and minor you’re only now beginning to see.

Also, you just gave me some insight into my own situation - my WW invited her AP over to our home for sex while I was out of town. While she's been "desperate" to save the marriage (and I don't put quote marks around that to be snide or cruel to her) she simply has done nothing to fill the intimacy vacuum in our marriage with true authenticity and radical honesty about what happened.

Without that, I think it's best to move on.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:57 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8602185
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