Whether or not she is blame shifting or victimizing herself, I’ll leave to you guys to debate. I have to deal with what I know and there is enough detail in the letter to make me pause before coming to the conclusion she is blame shifting. Victimizing? Yeah to a point but if it’s all true, wouldn’t that be kind of hard not to explain things without sounding like a victim? Remember this is ten pages front and back on legal pad paper. It’s a lot. And I’ll need to read through a couple of more times and break it down before I can decide for myself or think of follow up questions to ask her.
Are you saying the scumbag bought her the phone? Then somehow communicated with her to send pics? And this went on for months?
How did she know to look for it if they weren’t meeting?
She has admitted that the Monday and Friday after the original DDay she spoke to him using a former co-workers phone. She stated the Friday call was him telling her he would leave the phone for her. They then went entirely ...virtual I guess is the way to say it.
I totally understand the rage and the hurt, but would advise caution on this. If you intend to cut your WW off completely form your kids, then by all means, continue on with the part in bold.
If you think that your kids should still have a relationship with their mother, then it might be good to tone down the part in bold. I know both are 'adults', but it might still be worth considering the ramifications.
Apart from your MiL, what about the cousin that your WW confided in, was she also privy to this new material information?
This is her call. According to her she has hid and lied about too much. Obviously, there would be no details about the content. I will not stop her on this. She has lost her daughter already.
As for her couisin/best friend and whether or not she knew. I know the time STBXWW was living with him coincided with her being in the Navy. I am guessing she knew about the abusive relationship. I cannot fathom her not confiding in her cousin. I do know the cousin found out about the affair after DDay 1. I do not know if she is aware it was the same guy STBXXWW lived with when she was 18.
Are you sure you can believe this entire letter? It is very convenient that she comes off as the victim here. It may be totally true, but perhaps you should be a little wary.
I just caught up on your thread, SeeYa. It amazes me that when you think you have a unique situation, it isn't. There are similarities of my story to yours. My XWW's AP wasn't her first love or physically abusive or dominant in that way.
It was her history before we wed and how she never revealed most of it. There was a huge amount. Secrets make you sick.
Very true. Reading others' stories has been difficult, makes me angry, awful, uplifting, and makes me hopeful. It’s a roller coaster.
Your WW has some sort of Stockholm Syndrome going on. It would explain the way she allowed every boundary to fall in quick succession when he re-entered her life. Or, she never had any boundaries.
She is a seriously damaged person. I'm glad you are removing her from your life. Strength.
Wesway your story was one of the first I read on here. I identified with it after finding the old phone. I just thought my wife had a type like yours. But, I agree, it could very well be part of a deeper psychological issue.
Her situation kind of reminds me of the film The Night Porter.
Never heard of it. But you will forgive me if I choose not to watch it.
This decision and the subsequent betrayal are part of a pattern of dishonesty in her life. She hasn’t been authentic with you the entire time you’ve been married.
There’s been a huge intimacy vacuum in your marriage you didn’t know about but it affected you in ways major and minor you’re only now beginning to see.
You know I received a PM from someone that asked me essentially if I thought that my checking out of the reconciliation about a year ago was my gut instinct. My answer was a little more crass than this but I could never understand the speed at which it progressed to sex. It made no sense. But now it does. I guess that was part of my issue a year ago. I bring that up because I firmly believe as time goes on I will look back and realize that little things that were off to me now make sense.
I just thought of this: what about all of the women out in the world who experienced an abusive relationship, got free of it, and never exposed themselves to it again?
Isn’t your STBXWW kind of insulting these other women by claiming the AP is such a powerful Svengali she was helpless to his mesmerizing advances?
Something about your wife’s vague offhand narrative description about how this got kickstarted again seems very off.
I don’t think I’m qualified to juxtapose her situation to encompass others' tragic abuse and how they handled it. All I can say to this is she gave more details than I posted here and there was a more systematic approach to his interactions leading up to them having sex the first time in July 2017. None of which excuse her. I’m just saying that I could not include everything in my post. And because of that missing information I can see where you could come to that conclusion.
That revelation is one of the more surprising ones that I have seen in this forum and that is saying a lot. To find out that this OM that you have lived with as a part of your life for these three years has this long history with your WW and that everyone knew but you? Wow. That would be a tough one to swallow. I don't know how you recover from that or if you can. The level of deceit there is just so high. I'm sorry for how this has all gone. Take care of yourself.
I was pointed to a thread by a former poster that found out his wife had a nine year long affair that only ended when the AP was killed. The BS found out years late. I can relate to that a lot.
Everyone has been great. I just wanted to say that. Whether you agree, disagree, or just plain out offer your strength up it helps a lot. You guys are a very important part of my support system. I have been told I come across as being very under control in a a high pressure situation but I think given my reaction to meeting the AP for the first time, that was not the case then nor is it now. I still lose a lot of sleep and if it was not for my desire to expand my cooking skills I would not be eating. I AM a mess. I am prone to fits of uncontrollable shame and yes even crying. They are better but they still happen. I am scared I will grow old alone. I'm a planner by nature but I never thought I would be fifty and alone without a significant other to share my home, my life, and yes my bed. I have no doubt I will overcome these feelings but right now they are right here in front of me and it takes a great deal of effort to see around them to a better life.
The support of my kids, my father, my friend Jerry, and even my lawyer who took time today to call me just to check on me, all are important. But nothing is greater than the support of those that have gone through this. It's a horrible club to be in and I hate you are here with me but I am glad to have each of you.