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Stbhx is a twat, and I met someone.

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NeverEnough28 posted 10/3/2020 00:23 AM

Trying to iron out some fine details on our mediation agreement and got hit with if I dont sign the agreement today (well now yesterday) my STBHX is pulling his offer. Lawyer says dont worry, they're trying to bully me into signing something that isn't in my favor. Putting alot of trust into my lawyer and praying we don't end up in court.

But I met someone.

We met online, talked multiple times on the phone, then had a lunch date. That turned into drinks, that turned into dinner. 9 hours we spent together just talking and it was so amazing. Hes funny, attractive, insanely smart and sees someone in me past the damaged. He continues to reassure me that he will be patient with me, that he knows I'm going through alot, and I'm worth the wait.

But how do I trust? I want to believe he is genuine so badly. Obviously he has no obligation to drive the 30 minutes he does to see me, when we work opposite shifts (both health care). No reason to deal with a divorcing women with obvious trauma yet here he is. But I'm so scared to let my guard down to believe in what he's saying, what he's showing me. I want to, badly. But I feel like if I can't trust him, maybe I'm wasting his time? Maybe I'm not ready? Can something too good to be true actually be real?

Anyone else face the hardship of finding trust in a new relationship? He constantly tells me I'm beautiful and worth it but I just don't see it. He even told me he can tell I think it's just words and not truth and reassures me he'll continue to be patient with me. But I'm sure that'll get old fast.

How do you feel enough after spending so long feeling like you're not? Am I just not ready? Not healed enough?

Westway posted 10/3/2020 09:42 AM

The reason you are having all these conflicting emotions and concerns is because it is too soon. You need to spend a while alone before you jump back in the pool.

AnnieOakley posted 10/3/2020 10:26 AM

I have to echo westway. You have been through a lot given your trauma. Me personally, there is no way I will consider dating someone that is separated. Hard stop.

Iíve done the work and when I started dating earlier this year, just before CV19!!! 😂😳 I was not nervous at all. Iím pretty confident in my boundaries. Have since rejected and been rejected, which of course is difficult either way, but Iím still moving forward.

If you are asking these questions, you donít have your own answers yet. When you have the answers... you are probably ready to date.

Take time to heal, settle the divorce completely. Tell the guy you are not ready to date and call him in six-nine months, if he is still available, start over. Close your dating profile and focus on you!

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:05 PM, October 3rd (Saturday)]

josiep posted 10/3/2020 11:02 AM

It is too soon because you are not the person today that you will be in a year's time of healing.

I remember reading one time that until we are happy and content by ourselves, we shouldn't enter relationships because they provide us with something we need. Which results in us remaining needy. Better to enter a relationship when you simply WANT that person.

That's not to say you can't date around, have fun, etc. But I think it's too soon to think you have true feelings of love for someone.


[This message edited by josiep at 4:11 PM, October 3rd (Saturday)]

Anna123 posted 10/4/2020 13:56 PM

Too soon. You cannot possibly be ready. Even if he is Mr. Perfect, you can't know. Plus you are still married, so anyone who finds out, sorry to say and we all know it's not fair, but in the worlds eyes both you and cheater were dating others while married. (We know the time-line but trust me on this). As far as dating in general it is best to wait until at least a year after the D is final, depending on children.

He continues to reassure me that he will be patient with me, that he knows I'm going through alot, and I'm worth the wait.

Okay. Great chance to test that out. Assuming you are attracted to him and hoping for a relationship, tell him you need to only be phone friends until after the divorce is final and you have also had a few months to acclimate then maybe you can see each other again. This doesn't stop him from dating others, and you can get to know each other a little bit more on the phone. (not sure if Zoom is a good idea). If he meets someone else, then he wasn't that locked into you anyway. See how the conversations go in that realm as time goes on. This way you won't feel you are risking losing Mr. Right by cutting him off, which my guess is that would be hard for you. If he is Mr. Right, he will respect your request and still love talking with you 9 hours on the phone without getting together physically. If you loose him that quickly, he was just a quantity, "go all out to get the girl" guy. There are a lot of them in OLD. Not bad guys, just immature and want too much too quickly and end up being a big mistake for us (and themselves). Or, if he cuts you right off, you will know he was just a player, who seeks out women that are a bit vulnerable emotionally as you are right now, even if you don't see it.

I only say all of this because the cat is already out of the bag. I really think it would be best mentally for you to not have some dude taking up your head-space. This is a time to build up YOURSELF. Your thoughts now are on this relationship aren't they? The time you are sorting this out you could have been working on disconnecting from cheater in a healthy way, and fortifying your own inner world without a new external foundation.

Good luck. I wish it could be he was Mr. Right and 100% honest with your best interest in mind. You will find out at some point.

NeverEnough28 posted 10/4/2020 14:17 PM

I dont know. My sister met her second husband the day she filed for divorce and they have 3 kids and have been married 20 years. We are not telling people or making it official to the world that we are talkng and I dont see a problem with getting to know him. Why push him away because I'm not officially divorced? I know I need to work on myself and self love but im not asking that from this other guy. I dont think I should put my life on pause because of a time line I'm supposed to follow in other peoples eyes.

I guess if I get hurt I get hurt, but he's been a ray of light in the darkness and I dont want to put that on the backburner.

NeverEnough28 posted 10/4/2020 14:23 PM

I guess my other thought would be some people are separated for years before their divorce is final. Long since moved on and just waiting for the paperwork to be done. I know someone who's ex dragged the divorce out for 5 years. So they're supposed to wait to be with someone for 5 years because the ex is being a that? Seems unrealistic.

I want this person in my life because I want him not because I need him. I'm working on myself in therapy and he has his own things he's working on and we understand each other in that aspect. Maybe you're all right but I think im going to give it a go.

nekonamida posted 10/4/2020 14:35 PM

Couple of things -

But how do I trust?

Why should you trust him fully? You just met him. Get to know him better first.

But I'm so scared to let my guard down to believe in what he's saying, what he's showing me.

Why do you need to let your guard down? You're agreeing to take it slow. There is no time limit or pressure on you to go all or nothing right now. So just keep it up for a bit. Wait until you feel more ready, more secure, and you've gotten to know him better first.

How do you feel enough after spending so long feeling like you're not? Am I just not ready? Not healed enough?

If you have to ask, you're not ready and not healed enough for any deep, meaningful relationship. You are always enough FOR YOU. If others don't agree, they are not worth more than being cordial with. You inherently have worth and deserve respect and love. It doesn't matter how many times this man tells you how beautiful you are or someone else. You will never believe it until you fix that part of you that doesn't feel like you are ever enough.

NE, please keep seeing your IC or get one if you don't have one. You barely know this man and unconditional love, trust, and wearing your heart on your sleeve has no business being on the table even if you were the pinnacle of health and readiness. Mainly because it's unsafe and it's a guaranteed way for you to put your love goggles on and ignore some red flags that pop up because you got so attached so quickly. No one knows for sure if this guy is genuine or not but it doesn't matter. There will be another guy to take his place once he goes and you shouldn't be jumping with both feet in right away either even if it's been years since the D was final. What's the rush? Why do you feel like you need to decide right this minute whether he's the love of your life or needs to take a hike? Why can't you just let him say what he's going to say, keep things casual, be honest, and make a decision after a few months or more have gone by?

I know that you were with your XWH since you were 18 and I think you need to know that this all or nothing approach to dating is not the norm when you're an adult. It may have been normal in high school but adults have more to risk and more to lose with frequent partner changes, break ups, and make ups. That's why you need to take it slow and really get to know someone before you commit. Figure out how some of his last relationships ended. Maybe he's another WS. Maybe he has a secret wife and kids. It's too early for you to know for sure especially if you've never even been to his house. It's okay not to fully trust him and give him free reign over your heart just yet.

NeverEnough28 posted 10/4/2020 14:41 PM

Clearly I worded this all wrong because I never said I was jumping in with both feet or that I was falling in love right out the gate. I want to take it slow with him, im not rushing. I've always had self confidence issues long before my ex. Maybe this thread should just be deleted because apparently I've painted myself to look like a wilted flower waiting for some man to come sweep me off my feet and be my hero.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/4/2020 18:06 PM

You've been through hell. And that hell was recent. 4 months ago you were hospitalized as a result of that hell. I think most any reasonable person would agree that now is not the best time for you to be dating. By your own admission you are fearful and have trust issues (and rightly so!!)

Serious question:. What do you feel you have to offer this man? I am sure talking to him and spending time with him feels really good to you. I assume there is a physical attraction there as well, and that always feels good. Physical attraction is downright intoxicating. But again, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must fill your cup and offer to others only what overflows.

There isn't enough in your cup right now to be overflowing. If you give of yourself to him, that leaves even less for you, and you are already coming from a place of need.

Ultimately, you do you. Take the advice given here, whatever works for you, and leave the rest. I could recommend staying in contact with this man as friends only, until you're in a better place. But if there is a physical attraction, that will be impossible.

You come first. You deserve to be on solid ground. You need to do that for yourself.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:07 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]

barcher144 posted 10/4/2020 19:12 PM

Maybe this thread should just be deleted because apparently I've painted myself to look like a wilted flower waiting for some man to come sweep me off my feet and be my hero.

Woah, hold on. Almost all of us, if not all of us, understand what you are going through 100%. We've been there, done that.

It sounds like you had a great date. Awesome!

One thing that I would tell you, based on what you have written in this thread, is that you need to learn more about YOU. You can do that by dating this new guy seriously... you can do that by sleeping around. There are many ways to do it... pick the path that fits YOU.

Lawyer says dont worry, they're trying to bully me into signing something that isn't in my favor. Putting alot of trust into my lawyer and praying we don't end up in court.

Definitely this. My STBXW (and I've been saying that for 2 years, so hopefully the "S" is actually soon) has made all sorts of threats during negotiations.

The funny thing is... once we got to court, most of her ridiculous demands have softened. She's no longer vacillating between 11 years of alimony and permanent alimony... she's now asking for 7 years of alimony, because that's half the duration of our marriage.

So, stay calm, be patient, listen to your attorney.

The1stWife posted 10/5/2020 07:17 AM

Take it slow. Very slow. You know nothing or next to nothing about this guy.

He could be the real deal OR the biggest narcissist cheating lying piece of crap you ever met.

Only time will tell.

lieshurt posted 10/5/2020 07:48 AM

I guess if I get hurt I get hurt, but he's been a ray of light in the darkness and I dont want to put that on the backburner.


It's not just about you. What if you end up hurting a good man because of your need to use him as a crutch right now?

AnnieOakley posted 10/5/2020 11:09 AM

IMO it feels to me that since we posted with words of caution based on this and your most recent posts-you did not get the desired response-so you had already made up your mind?

You have your sisters experience...is she a BS like many of us? A MH such as yourself?

This guy could be the needle in the haystack... but he could also be the haystack. Most of us have had the haystack experience to some degree or another.

As is often repeated...take the advice you want and leave the rest.

But I stand by my original thoughts... if you are asking these questions from strangers instead of trusting and knowing your own healed instincts and boundaries...you are not ready.

Good luck.

EllieKMAS posted 10/5/2020 13:39 PM

I think it is way too easy when you're hurting through all this to get way too attached way too fast. And you gotta watch it. There are a lot of people out there that prey on people in your situation (not fully healed, still entangled in D/S, hurting). They know that they can get theirs with a minimum of effort put in because they look so much better by comparison to your stbx. I'm not saying this is this guy, but weasels know how to dress themselves up and preted they're great people and even if you are ready, it is still hard to separate them out a lot of the time. Just my 0.02.

My advice echoes others - do you for a while. Be alone. Take a breather. When the timing is right, things will fall into place.

barcher144 posted 10/5/2020 13:55 PM

But how do I trust?

I agree with what nekonamida said.

Also, I would guess that there is a good reason why you are struggling with trust and it goes beyond your bad marriage.

During my custody evaluation, I was required to take a psychological exam (MMPI 2, I think). It revealed that I am out of the normal range as far as I don't trust people.

Why should I?

After thinking about my entire life over the past 9 months after getting this comment, I've realized that precisely one person in my life has been trustworthy: my dad. Not my mom. Not my brother. Not my sister. Not my first wife. Not my second wife.

I don't trust people because I haven't had the practice.

Ironically, given the topic of your post, the person that I trust second-most in my entire life is my current girlfriend. We've been together almost two years and we started dating about 2 months after STBXW and I decided to get divorced.

The truth is that, at best, only you can know when you are ready to date again. I was ready to date again after only a few weeks, mostly because I spent two years after D-day working on myself and learning that my STBXW is a truly horrible person (i.e., I was ready to move after two years and two months, not after two months). I also had the "experience" from getting divorced before and moving on too soon then.

SnappyT posted 10/5/2020 14:29 PM

The beautiful thing about the advice of your attorney is their advice is free of all the emotions your feeling. (Plus obvi, they see this stuff all the time). But generally speaking, I think their lack of emotion that is raging through you is really good for you when it comes to taking their advice.

messyleslie posted 10/7/2020 01:38 AM

I read something about how until you can share your story without someone's response impacting how you experience it then you aren't ready to share it.

And I feel like that can sort of be applied to dating. Until I know that someone's response to me won't impact my own happiness then I am not ready to let another person in.

So I would ask yourself how you would feel if you were out and about and looked over in a restaurant and saw this person on a date with another woman, or holding hands with another woman. If you feel like you could not survive that or you feel that intense pit in your stomach, instead of "well then he is clearly not the one for me and I will delete his phone number and block him before I give it a second thought" then you aren't ready.

Justsomeguy posted 10/10/2020 15:44 PM

I'm going with the way to soon crowd. And I was way too soon myself. My experience may have actually turned me completely off relationships altogether. I went from a WW who destroyed me to a relationship with a GF that left me feeling like there was something wrong with me. It took me awhile to realize that there was something wrong with me, I was broken. Now I am embracing singlehood and have no desire for the complications if a partner. I'm fixing myself. There is a danger that I may fix myself so much I never want a partner again. But isnt thst the goal of healing?

skeetermooch posted 10/10/2020 16:01 PM

I'm going to disagree with the pack here. I was so happily single, independent, not looking for or needing a relationship when I met my STBX disordered, narc cheater monster.

There is some victim blaming underneath these widely held beliefs around us having to be perfect, have the correct time table, etc in order to avoid a conman/narc/cheater. The reality is sociopaths and narcs can con anyone - they are that good. We've all received a great and terrible education so hopefully we can spot the more obvious cases.

The cure for feeling unsure is to take it slow, which it sounds like you're intent on doing. So, I don't see a problem. If you start having to make excuses for him or blame yourself for insecurity, when it's really cognitive dissonance due to his behavior - we have a problem. Otherwise, enjoy a new friend and see where it goes.

Everyone should know, no matter how healed, whole and happy you are - we all can be conned. The only cure for avoiding another cheater is a very, very, very long courtship - even then we may be no match for some of these people. Trust your gut.

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