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I told BW I loved the way OW treated me. She made me feel wanted and safe, and I sexualized those feelings.

The idea that you can't love your AP because it's all fog and not real is just crap. The reality is that I shouldn't have let myself get in that situation to fall for someone, I was supposed to be focused on my M. The Truth is I love my wife more than anything in this world, but it doesn't make the way I felt about OW null and void.

I don't miss OW anymore or reminisce, but there are things about OW that I did love indeed.

BW didn't breakdown when I said this last night. She quite reasonably understood it. I'm glad I felt safe saying this. I'm wondering if any BS's have heard this also from the WS. I'd like BS responses, but not vents, so please be nice. No Stop sign.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 6:29 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

To me, love is to cherish someone the most, to the exclusion of all others.

So maybe you don't share the thing I call "love" with either your wife or the OW.

Maybe you don't feel the thing that I'm talking about with anyone. I don't judge you for that, but understand that many people like myself think that that is what we are all talking about when we say "love"

It might be a good idea to explain that to people in your life so that they are not hurt by you. Once again, no judgement, but you may want to share your description of love with them as to make sure it is compatible.

there are things about OW that I did love

You see the word "things" there?

Zugzwang (a old WS / Sier who hasn't been around much lately) would have a lot to say about that... he calls it "object" love.

You are describing "love" for how someone made you feel... what they did for you. I think most folks who have been through this journey - on both sides of the fence- come to a LOT of realizations about love, what it means for them, etc. I assume it's been quite some time since your dday as a BH and as a WS, so your post strikes me as odd....

I like to think my WH "loves" me for WHO I am.... not what I do for him or how I make him feel. I felt that way about my WH, until dday showed me he wasn't "who" he projected or mirrored to me.

Have you read anything about limerance?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 7:04 PM, September 29th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Look, I'm one to completely be dramatic in my feelings. I will and have fallen fast and hard. But really I just get swept up in a VERY powerful emotion/feeling of infatuation. It serves its purpose as a bonding tool, that is super useful in establishing a normal connection in a normal relationship. Unfortunately, we are not immune to infatuation in a not so normal relationship, like an affair. So, that's something to consider.

And just like we have good qualities that are beyond our cheating selves, so does the AP. Most people aren't rotten to the core. Most of us are another BS, WSs AP. I see many qualities in my fellow waywards that are notable. So, yes you may feel the AP had her own qualities that given the right circumstance someone will love about her.

Perhaps many of us can relate to that. I wasn't so different in my A as I was in my M, personality wise. But I think about it like this. Everyone always says they love my laugh. My mom, my ex, my son, the stranger at the table next to us at the restaurant, my AP. So maybe its not so special? Like between you two.

When was your dday?

No thank goodness I never ever heard my husband say that. The hurt those words must of caused your wife I can only imagine. I know you are probably saying what my husband did to me...you want me to be honest. Why is that where you choose to be honest? Is it important for your wife to know you loved another? I feel like it’s the does my butt look big type of thing. The butt may look big but what purpose does it serve but hurt feelings. I think saying you are the one I love and are the most important person in my life would have been way more kinder and loving way to behave.

Love isn’t selfish.

If I was your wife I’d be biding my time. I’d be crushed to hear it. I’m glad you told her——I’d want to know if my husband felt that he loved someone else.

It sounds to me like when people say that slaves and slave owners fell in love - like how do you really know when the foundation is under conditions.

I hurt for your wife.

So

1. Your wife didn't breakdown in front of you, but she did, or will, in fact breakdown. At the very least she would be devastated to hear that. You should understand that.

2.First you said there were things you loved, then you said you loved HER. That's not the same, and you know it. And you knew thay before you said it. And you knew that as the words were coming out of your mouth. So if yoy have never before tols your wife that you loves the OW,then this is new information and therefore a blow to your already suffering wife.

It's not about being grateful for honesty. Like the other poster said, it's interesting that you chosw this area to be honest in, begs the question whether you've been so perfectly honest about everything that you think gratitude is the appropriate response here.

If your wife cheated on you, told you she loves sleeping with you the most, but the OM is bigger or really good in bed, you wouldn't be grateful. Apply that empathy to your wife.

4. Don't tell your wife you love her more than anything in the in the same conversation that you are telling her you love your OW for manipulating you and deliberately hurting your wife.

That's what your OW did. That's what you love. A cheating woman who wanted, and I mean wanted, to hurt your wife.

You love the woman who hurt your wife. But yet, you love your wife more than anything in the world... there's nothing to love there. You need to be focused on that and realising how wrong that is instead of being grateful that your wijjie is showing you grace you likely would never extend to her.

Also, this isn't a vent (side note the fact that you'd call it thatsays a lot about your level of remorse/empathy in addition to your reaction to what you already said to your wife which will in fact hurt her forever)), but

You don't love your wife more than anything in this world.

You voluntarily hurt her, enjoyed it. And now you're talking about how much you love the woman you hurt her with.

You seem to think of how the OW treated you, which was only to get what she wanted from you- attention etc. Orthe ego boost that comes with being valued by a married man, getting him to chose you over his wife, jeopardize his marriage for her, hurt his wife,

But you don't mention what your wife is doing for you.

Interesting.

Onebiglie,

I was a BH first and I had to endure my wife's honesty as well. Her's was a much shorter A than mine, mine lasted several years. Also never asked my wife's for the details of the OM, don't care. I know what people do when they're alone. I was more concerned about her emotional attachment to OM. My wife chose to stay with me and that said it all, She did the hard work and I fucked it up by having my own A years later.

HellFire: DDay was many years ago and we've gotten to a real safe place. My High School sweetheart is moving up the street so some issues have resurfaced.

And yes,, I love my wife more than anyone, but I did at the time of my A love many qualities about OW, not saying it was right to even have those feelings, but I did nonetheless.

gmc94: I do not think my feelings are odd, thery're just mine. Every WS arrives at their own place in R, and in MC we are told to be totally honest. And it is the only way to move forward together in IMHO.

I'm sorry if I triggered anyone.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 8:46 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Mod Please: Could a MOD please close this thread, Thanks

Yes it is a triggery topic, and was going to trigger many. I think you already knew that as you asked for kindness.

Unfortunately not everyone is in a place that can offer you that nor does anyone have to with the nature of this site. And emotions run high with topics like this or anything infidelity related. So yeah, you run that risk.

Sorry you feel the need to jump ship here.

When we truly love someone we want the best for them.

Participating in an affair with a man who was married was not in his best interest. Him participating in one with me was not in my best interest. Whether one of us had been single wouldn’t have made it better because we would have elicited feelings in the other that could never fully be reciprocated. We were willing to destroy each other lives and spouses, that is not acts of love. That is about selfishness and needing someone to prop us up to feel good. Using them for that purpose.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:23 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Nothing you say surprises me except your willingness to say it with what appears to be a hint of pride.

None of it triggers me. But I can also say that how you described it going down in the conversation isn't a good look.

The idea that you can't love your AP

Of course you can. At some point. Maybe long after you properly close down your marriage. Seek therapy and make sure that your AP does as well - and even then, it'll be a long and hard journey to make something good from a relationship that started from a place of abuse.

You loved your AP:

1. Why was it a secret?

2. Why, did you not stop your marriage, wait a few years, date in the open, get to really know each other and then get married?

3. Why was it full of lies?

4. Why did you hurt your wife, yourself, your kids, your AP, your AP's partner (if any) and your AP's kids? Abuse is not really a solid foundation for love.

it doesn't make the way I felt about OW null and void.

Your actions make it null and void. Nothing anyone here says or do nullified it. You did.

YMMV of course. How about if you start by explaining your definition of "love" before jumping into this discussion?

Locking at the request of the OP.