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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/11/2020 20:40 PM

So sorry to hear that TA! Did it at least satisfy some curiosity though?

I know I definitely went pain shopping for months after DDay. It's like there was this little voice in my head saying "There's more there, I know it!"

I dug into our phone records. Correlated calls with the AP with texts between he and I. Pieced together a timeline myself, figured out that so many of the times when my gut had been screaming at me, I was, in fact, being lied to. That's also when I discovered the escorts. And I couldn't figure out everything with my limited resources, but what appeared to be NSA hook ups with multiple women that correlated with days and nights that I had always thought were very strange, last minute "business trips."

I had pages and pages of stuff printed out, and was going over it with a fine toothed comb like a detective, different colored highlighters, memberships to several different websites to do background checks and reverse phone look up etc.

My brother said he thought I was driving myself crazy and that it wasn't healthy for me to go through it all.

I say that it is absolutely what I needed. My gut was nagging at me, and I needed to satisfy it. I was incredibly sad about it, of course. But I still felt vindicated.

My take on those who say you shouldn't do it, is that those people have never experienced finding out that their entire life was a lie, so they don't get to judge me.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that everything my X ever told me was a lie unless proven otherwise. Unless something happened that I witnessed with my own two eyes or heard with my own ears, I just go in with the default that whatever he said was at least partially untrue whether by omission, exaggeration or complete fabrication. It has helped me to reframe it that way.

Along with that, I've worked hard to affirm that my experience of the situation is correct. When my mind wanders back to memories of any gut feelings or times I felt something was "off," I just affirm to myself that yup, that is true. What I think happened, happened. There's no use wasting any of my energy trying to show that he's not as bad as he has proven himself to be. As far as I'm concerned, I am better equipped to judge a situation's accuracy than the Lying Liar who fucking Lies, so from now on, I'm going to trust myself, and not anything he said.

Skeeter, tell him to GTFOH with that Dan Savage shit. I can't stand when people try to argue biology vs. monogamy like we don't do a whole bunch of shit we weren't biologically meant to do every fucking day.

Happy Friday ladies! Hope everyone is doing ok!

Outoflove2020 posted 12/11/2020 23:24 PM

@BlackRaven - GLAD is something my therapist had me do.

G - write down one thing every day for which you are grateful
L - write down one thing every day that you have learned / discovered
A - write down one thing every day that you have accomplished.
D - write down one thing every day that has delighted you.

They donít have to be big things - for example an A could be you took a shower - but doing it every day makes you really think about these things more deeply. Very helpful with changing the mindset. I try to do it every night before bed.

BlackRaven posted 12/11/2020 23:31 PM

TA - one other comment: I've heard that Stephanie Carnes, a sex addict therapist and President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, has referred to what we call "pain shopping" as "Safety Seeking." I don't know her thinking behind that; perhaps it's because we need to know what we're facing.

I was also shocked at a 12-step meeting for wives of SAs, when I admitted to pain shopping and thought it went against the creed of staying on my side of the street, that the other women in the meeting immediately came to my defense. One of them said to me, "This is a battle and we're in a war, a war with addiction. In wars, soldiers do reconnaissance. They need to know what they they're up against. That's all you were doing."

So painful as what you found might be, know that there was a reason that compelled you to go down that path.

Throwaway999 posted 12/12/2020 06:35 AM

Thanks for your support....this is the only place where I can admit my true feelings and actions and not feel that judgement. My friends, although empathic, donít really get how the trauma changes you.

They canít understand my need to ďknowĒ or dig....but I just feel the need to know what my life really was. He lied to me for around 10 years in total...so my reality of those years was false. That is a lot to have to ďsitĒ with and accept.

After Dday...I also had feelings of vindication....my gut had not been wrong....I was not the crazy person he convinced me that I was. A very hard lesson....but always, always trust your gut.

My mind is so messed up from all of this....so I got a notice of registered mail yesterday....I canít pick it up until today. A normal person would not think twice about this....me, my mind goes to itís a letter from another AP or his old AP. I feel sick. A normal person would not instantly have these thoughts or feelings over something so trivial. Just another realization of how f*cked up this has left me.

I have copied and pasted the GLAD in my journal...thank you. I think I need this.

Hedwig posted 12/13/2020 03:15 AM

Bentandbroken, I count watching Netflix as productive these days. I just keep mindlessly scrolling social media

I have the same problem with comfort food. I've had take-our 3 times in the last week, while it was only once a month or less before! So no advise in that regards. Except that I've started lifting weights again so I really hope the pounds will fly off again. My break-up weight loss is also back on and a little bit more. it bothers me more than I would like.

Another thing about SAD:I ordered a daylight lamp and it will arrive tomorrow. So I'm going to try that and see if it helps. It was quite expensive (60 euros) but I think it's worth it and I don't splurge a lot. Will let you know in a week .

@throwawa999: any normal person with trauma would behave the same or in a similar way. Please remember this is a normal response after what you've been through!

[This message edited by Hedwig at 1:08 PM, December 19th (Saturday)]

BentandBroken posted 12/13/2020 12:41 PM

Yes, @Hedwig, please report back on success (or lack) with the UV lamp. I would invest in one if it actually works.

For anyone else who has trouble with eating habits during the winter, I tried meal prep! It makes perfect sense, right? You make food ahead of time and package it into reasonable portions for reheating. Brilliant strategy!

Which backfired horribly as I just heated up three at a time. So, I am back to the drawing board.

tl;dr Meal prep was a colossal failure for me.

Outoflove2020 posted 12/13/2020 13:10 PM

Today I have eaten 4 carrot muffins, a huge bowl of pasta with butter and cheese, a handful of veggies. So yeah, the food part is tough.

I know itís worse today because on this day last year, xWBF flew to Chicago for a concert and met the AP in person for the first (and only) time. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end.

I just watched two Christmas movies through Group Watch with a friend of mine in the UK. By the end of each of them I was bawling my eyes out.

I got the kids gifts for Hanukkah. He hadnít even reached out and acknowledged that. I didnít do it for that reason but...... why do I continue to have these expectations of him when I know who he is.

It sucks. It just really fucking sucks. I donít want him or it to have this power over me and my emotions any more.

Iím going to get under my weighted blanket and hope it soothes me while I read


@Hedwig - Iíd be very interested in how the lamp works for you. Having less sunlight is definitely impacting my mood and emotions.

Outoflove2020 posted 12/15/2020 13:20 PM

Hey folks - just wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing? I know it's a tough time of year for a lot of people.

I made cookies yesterday - my friend and I were going to take a drive tonight to go see some Christmas lights in various neighbourhoods. However, she's under the weather so postponed for now.

All it means is that I am now eating all of the cookies because they are there, and they are yummy.

Managed to get through the last few days which is when he was in Chicago last year. Kept myself busy, had Zoom calls with friends in the UK, chatted with a cousin yesterday, feeling better about things but prepared for continual emotional peaks and troughs until DDay anniversary in January.

Also, I just want to recommend a weighted blanket. Holy moley, the quality of sleep I'm getting at the moment is unbelievable. I'm sure it's helping with my mindset.

BentandBroken posted 12/15/2020 15:25 PM

Hi OOL! You're handling this like a boss! I sure wish I was.

I've been trying to make plans, but keep running into roadblocks. COVID surely doesn't help. I have two weeks off work for holiday break - normally a blessing - but now it's just hours to fill by myself and I have zero motivation at this point. Anyone got recommendations for decent movies on Netflix?

EllieKMAS posted 12/15/2020 15:35 PM

I've been bingeing shows on netflix all year. Right now I'm watching Star Trek TNG. Loving it just as much as I did when I was a kid and still am madly in love with Jean Luc Picard

Another show I have fallen in love with this year is Gardener's World on Prime. So relaxing and pleasant!

I am over this fucking year. OVER it.

Outoflove2020 posted 12/15/2020 16:11 PM

Tell me about it. So ready for this year to be done.

BnB - I appreciate your comments. I bought the kids Hanukkah gifts, took them to brother of xWBF to make sure they got them. Not a dicky bird from anyone. Didnít expect his daughter to reach out but I thought his son might. Also there was a part of me that wondered if the xWBF would reach out to thank me.


I didnít do it for that reason, clearly. But why do I continue to have these expectations of him? That heíd do what a normal person would do. Not even a thank you for continuing to love his children?


As for TV shows - The Queenís Gambit, Iím also re watching The West Wing. Iíve been watching The Flight Attendant which is daft but entertaining.

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2020 22:33 PM

I'm feeling like crap. Started a new anti-depressant (thanks, cheater) and started to have a lot of symptoms that also could be covid - so freaking out. I got tested today but won't have results until Thursday. Not feeling terrible, just a bit yuck and a lot anxious.

I've been binge watching all things Alaska - Alone, American Bush People and now, The Last Alaskans (Hulu). Nature is really doing it for me. I also watched Virgin River and Hart of Dixie on Netflix - two of the corniest shows known to mankind but such great escapes.

OOL, of course he didn't thank you because acknowledging your generosity of spirit just reminds him of what a douchewad he is. I'm sure he's mad about it.

sickofsurviving posted 12/16/2020 08:02 AM

Good morning ladies. Hope everyone is ok this morning.

Skeeter its so funny that you are on all things Alaska! I have been on that kick for a year!

I loved the Last Alaskan! Heimo and Edna are my favorites! There is a book about them. Heimo first appeared on Flying High Alaska. Just 1 episode. So there is another Alaska show. Mountain Men too. I wish I would have discovered these shows earlier. I would happily move up there!

Outoflove2020 posted 12/16/2020 08:24 AM

Iím totally going to jump on this Alaska bandwagon. Iím off work next week so need some good, bingeworthy shows!

@skeeter - Fingers crossed for a negative response. Thank you for your comment about him being a Douchewad. I really needed that last night. Had a highly emotional therapy session where I just mired myself in a pity party. I really struggle with that as I know - objectively - I have a good life overall, especially when compared to what some people are having to endure with COVID etc. I likened my current emotional health to a broken dam. Iíve been holding everything back, slowly working on it a brick at a time but the last week, I just donít have the mental energy to keep holding it up at the moment.

But thatís ok. I know this will pass. I know the first anniversary of A season will pass. I need to be compassionate with myself. Iím not very good at that.

Iíve had a shower today so thatís a positive step for me. Happy Hump Day Womenz. Be kind to yourselves today.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 8:25 AM, December 16th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2020 09:44 AM

OOL - a shower is a monumental achievement after this kind of trauma. I get the emotional dam. We're going to get there. And do get on the Alaska bandwagon - it's awesome. The Last Alaskans is probably my favorite - most authentic and less drama.

SOS - so funny that you're on this kick too. It's funny because I have little desire to ever actually go to Alaska but I love the simplicity of their lives - it's just working to meet basic needs. Zero existential angst Thanks for the other shows too - didn't know about those. Yes, Heimo and Edna are the best. Their daughter's are badasses too. Love them. I enjoyed Bob Harte as well.

I'm feeling 100% normal today. I stopped taking the new meds when I got "sick" so pretty sure that was the cause.

BentandBroken posted 12/16/2020 09:57 AM

Thanks for all the great Netflix suggestions!

@EllieKMAS, no truer words have been spoken! I am reluctant to wish time away, but this year....can we just fast forward please!

@OOL, he's never going to acknowledge the good things you do for the family. He is simply unable. Keep being you. They appreciate it and likely don't know exactly how to respond. Remember they may feel caught in the middle, like somehow they are being disrespectful to their dad by responding positively to you.

@skeeter, hoping your new AD sorts itself out. Also sending positive thoughts for a negative COVID test. As an aside, I have been thinking of getting back on my AD. I have been off it since June, but really struggling these past few weeks.

@sickofsurviving, I'm right there with you on moving to Alaska. For the past few weeks, I have been entertaining thoughts of selling my house and just starting fresh somewhere else. I see myself somewhere north, curled up in front of a fire with my cats and a good book. (Which is interesting because although I was once an avid reader, I haven't been able to get through a book since the months leading up to Dday.)

I suppose it's good to dream about a potential future. Probably shouldn't make any major decisions given the funk I've been in.

In case I haven't said it lately, thank you for this supportive community. No one in my circle really gets it, but you all do.

Throwaway999 posted 12/16/2020 17:51 PM

Hi Ladies,

Just a vent I need to get off my chest. My WHís aunt emailed me today...long email gushing over him and praying for him...yada, yada,yada. Itís just makes me so angry that I am keeping his dirty secrets for him. I will answer short and sweet...thank you and Christmas will be hard for my kids.

Itís not this poor little old ladyís fault she doesnít know what a complete douchebag serial cheater and liar he was. I donít know how those who R get passed having to keep the secret. I am angry at my WH tonight...he passes away and everyone always has such high praise for those who pass...especially when they pass away relatively young. He not on a pedestal for me anymore. That ship has sailed...he left me with pain and hurt and trauma.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent...only you all truly understand. Now off to a glass of wine and Prime. For me itís The Expanse...I am a sci-fi girl. I second Netflixís Virgin River...sappy but easy to watch.

EllieKMAS posted 12/16/2020 18:23 PM

TA if keeping his secrets is detrimental to you and your healing (which imho it very much is), then don't keep them.

Aunt calls? "I'm sorry aunt. I'm working on healing from his infidelity so I don't really have prayers to spare for him. Please don't call me to talk about what a great guy he was." Short sweet and to the point.

You are under NO obligation to spare his memory. None at all. And if people find out what an unbelievable lying sack of shit he was and don't think of him the same? So what.

Outoflove2020 posted 12/16/2020 19:26 PM

Virgin River is quite triggering for me given some of the story lines.

TA - second what Ellie says. You are under no obligation to maintain the good memories, especially if itís hurting your healing. I am so impressed with your strength.

BlackRaven posted 12/16/2020 19:32 PM

Jumping in on some show suggestions.

I enjoyed Money Heist, and Downton Abbey, (though I may have been the last person in the world to see it.) I also liked Schitts Creek, but it took me an episode or two to get into it.

I've also discovered online chess, and so play sometimes with my father who lives in a different city, as well as some virtual escape rooms, for people who are on different computers -( just google Enchambered) - and it also has some solo puzzles that are kind of fun.

Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate.

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