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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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gmc94 posted 10/4/2020 14:29 PM

I would always get an STD panel, no matter what the WS says.

And to be frank, I can't say that I would ever believe a WS who says it was not PA without any corroborating evidence (and speaking to the AP wouldn't count for me). They are proven liars and filled with shame (in addition to whatever their particular form of broken is to begin with -the broken that prompted them to choose an A). There are threads abounding lately about use of a polygraph, with some reasonable arguments on both side.

As to the post IC withdrawal, I don't think it's particularly unusual.... at least not at first, esp when the WS is trying to work thru their shame. However, it is not a sustainable way to heal and work toward R. IOW, he needs to find a way to clearly communicate what's going on vs giving you the cold shoulder. Cuz the cold shoulder will not work long term.

Cassandrae posted 10/4/2020 14:38 PM

Thanks so much, gmc94. Will bring the cold shoulder up at our next check in. And the panel results if applicable. Ugh.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/4/2020 22:35 PM

Rant alert

I posted in General about the shit show that was today. Now Iíve come out in a huge rash over my face and neck. Small bumps all over face and neck, and super red cheeks. Iíve taken an anti histamine but it hasnít done anything. Feel flushed. Slightly sore throat.

Iím assuming itís a reaction to what happened today - a stress rash - as Iíve not eaten anything different, used anything different on my face.

Fucking infidelity. The gift that keeps on giving. This is all his fault. What his daughter is going through - on him. I hope he feels so very guilty and ashamed. I hope he feels embarrassed and haunted by what heís done. I hope he realises that the way his daughter is acting and reacting are the consequences he has reaped for his behaviour. She didnít deserve this. Sheís 10. She doesnít know how to process her emotions.

I wish I could give her a hug and reassure her that things will get better.

I hate him for what heís putting her through. Heís a selfish prick.

Hope everyone is managing to survive their own situations. Will catch up with you all properly tomorrow, just needed to get this out there tonight otherwise I wonít be able to sleep.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/5/2020 05:47 AM


May I tell you what a class act you are?

Youíre demonstrating to those kids what an ethical, moral person looks like.

The future is brighter because of people like you!

Cassandrae posted 10/5/2020 10:06 AM


Am so sorry you're going through this. Our bodies have ways of letting us know, don't they? You are amazing and strong an a force for good in that little girls life.

You will get through this - and so will she, in part because of the lessons you have taught/are teaching.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/5/2020 12:53 PM

@cassandrae - thank you, I hope so. I'm so sorry for the shit show you are going through as well.

@20years - truly appreciate your words. Through this whole process, I've tried to maintain my morals, and keep to the high road, and I'm so glad I have.

To all the other womenz - Tallgirl, CBS, BlackRaven, gmc, LadyG, notaboring, Throwaway, BlackHeart, skeetermooch, Hedwig - how are you all holding up? Sounds like there's been a lot going on but that you are all continuing to be strong in the face of the shitshow that is infidelity.

I know we are "strangers" in real life, but I continue to be overwhelmed by the support you all provide, and always look to this group for strength and guidance as I go through my own hell on earth.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 12:54 PM, October 5th, 2020 (Monday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 10/5/2020 14:23 PM

I donít understand why weíre so strong?

Perhaps partly because of our trial by fire?

I hate to give any positive credit to infidelity at all

My WH is alternating working at home with working in the office.

The last woman whose name he moaned in his sleep works in the office too.

A remorseful Cheater would rush to tell me every time he saw her.

My Cheater doesnít.

When I reminded him this morning, he said ďduly notedĒ

Yet he wonders why I have pulled so far away.

Is he really so stupid?

LadyG posted 10/5/2020 16:57 PM

OOL, I read your post in General.

You have a 10 year old little girl who has a mum getting remarried, she has now almost lost you and your ex is in a new relationship, I am assuming OW. Thatís a lot to deal with.

My middle child now 23 was dragged into stbxwh last exit affair and is terribly affected by this. He still lives with his father but wishes he could get out. He has become verbally abusive towards his father and refuses to go to work with him. I canít blame him for how he is feeling.

When I moved out last June, I had no idea about the AP and what DS was dealing with. Stbxwh tried to turn my DS against me. It has taken me a very long time to rebuild my relationship with my son. He now sees the narcissist father for what he is.

Only last week the Police went to the house looking for an associate of WH. DS had no idea what to say. Police asked to speak to WH, who wasnít home. My son was upset and called me. WH turned and blamed DS for opening the door.

Outoflove2020 posted 10/5/2020 18:06 PM

@LadyG - she has a lot going on. To be honest, I have no idea if he is actually in a relationship with the AP. She lives in a different state (it was an EA) and she has a kid. Given COVID Iíd be surprised if heíd be so stupid as to exposing himself to the risk of getting it as he was super worried about his parents, but who knows. I would also hope that if they are together, he hasnít introduced them to the kids yet, but again, who knows. Iím sorry that your son has had to go through that.

Itís not impossible that is what is happening, but her mum says she is struggling due to her loyalty to her dad, so the more I think about it the more that might be what it is.

Fuck. Now Iím spiraling.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 6:45 PM, October 5th, 2020 (Monday)]

LadyG posted 10/8/2020 04:28 AM

A small Financial win over STBXWH today.

Chipping away at the Narc is stressful. But I have one less thing to worry about in the divorce proceedings.

I found a Lawyer who specialises in Divorcing a Narcissist.

Its amazing what a google search comes up with.

Throwaway999 posted 10/8/2020 05:41 AM

LadyG - I have been following your story...congrats on your find of a great lawyer and the small win! Day by day...step by step...sending you strength!

Outoflove - read your other post...and I am proud of you. Think hard about what you want...donít be his plan B. Time will tell by his actions (not words) if he can become a safe partner again. Know your worth. You can tell your are on the healing path for yourself. Keep strong.

20yrsagoBS - I am beginning to think that WS...fundamentally donít think the same as us. Itís the lack of empathy and understanding of simple common sense things that they honestly are so short sighted, that it doesnít even occur to them that something like not telling you that he has seen the OW would hurt and upset you. If you read any of my posts...my WS was unremorseful...he never really ever understood what that word even meant. Kept OW#1 on his FB, LinkedIn for years after the affair, never said a bad thing about her...defended her to me...and never understood why any of that was so very wrong. Clueless.

Blackheart11419 posted 10/8/2020 09:56 AM

@20yrsagoBS I got pregnant after DD thank god but I still got an STD testing done after I found out about the A. It came back negative for everything so I was happy about that. Then in April when we found out about our pregnancy I got another one done and it was negative for everything.

@TallGirl My H was sorry at first and yes we are still married but he doesn't have any regret or show any remorse for the A which kind of irritates me.

@Casandrae Yes get an STD test done. No matter what he says he could be having an EA but who is to say it isn't an PA and that is how my H affair started. It was EA then became an PA.

I have been bored since Monday trying to figure out what to do during my maturity leave and OMG Im going nuts here. So one night my H and I were talking and he was either joking or being serious about wanting permission to cheat. Why would a wife give her H who has already cheated give him permission to cheat? My answer was no. He really needs to step up and be the father for our son because if that is what he is going to teach our son that cheating is ok with permission IDK what Im going to do. CHEATING IS NEVER OK EA OR PA. Why do men want cheating to be ok when its not. UGH MEN!!

EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2020 10:28 AM


I wanted to ask those of you that are S/D... if youR cheater sincerely told you that he wanted to to be with you after all the crap you have been through... told you that if he didnít ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?
Sooo, my exdouche had an 'epiphany' about 6 months out from dday1. He collapsed on the living room floor crying like a little child about how I was the love of his life, about how stupid he'd been, about how he wanted me and only me.... blah blah bullshit bullshit. Turns out two weeks later is when he invited his little whore over for a sleepover while I was out of town.

I know I am D'd and I don't really believe in reconciliation, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would believe about 0.5% of what a proven cheater says ever. IME, they will say whatever bullshit they have to to keep the status quo.


Itís not impossible that is what is happening, but her mum says she is struggling due to her loyalty to her dad, so the more I think about it the more that might be what it is.

Fuck. Now Iím spiraling.

Right here is why continued NC is your friend. In that first several months, it is WAY too easy to start down the path of focusing on them and not YOU. And please note - you were going to coordinate visits with their mom so you could stay NC with the asshat, and he has now once again inserted himself into your life. Side note on that: I know you have to make the choices that are best for you, but I would be veeeeeerrrrrryyyyy cautious in responding to him AT ALL. You are still in that initial shocky phase and it is way too easy to take whatever crumbs they offer to you and try to make a cake out of them because you just want to stop hurting.

I know this because I DID IT TOO. I took his bullshit declarations of 'love' and gave him chance after chance when I should have been kicking him the fuck out cus he was just saying words. Ultimately, the words were just temporary pain relief and he hurt me a whole lot more before I got done.

I am super sorry for his daughter. Sounds like she has a shit father. And I know you love those kids, but sadly a consequence of all of this is that you may lose your relationship with them too. It's not fair and it sucks big ol balls, but IME most of the time, families support their own. Just prepare yourself for that possibility and honor what the kids want (I know you are doing that, but just reminding). Sending you lots of hugs and strength. Healing from this shit is NOT easy.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/8/2020 12:01 PM

Hi Ellie!

I actually used the SHAMNESIA term earlier this week

I told WH that shame is a luxury, just another excuse he reverts to when he gets uncomfortable discussing his cheating.

I immediately thought of you too!

Glad to see you responded to OOL so I could tell you

LadyG posted 10/13/2020 19:14 PM


this has a very different meaning for me.

I have been living in a SHAM marriage and had a SHAM relationship with STBXWH.

WHís entire life has been a SHAM. He has NO SHAME, but hates being reminded. Suppose he suffers from SHAMNESIA.

Cassandrae posted 10/14/2020 17:14 PM

hey ladies.

Anyone else just tired & sad today?

Today it's really hard to remember the positive things that he's doing. He shaved off his beard, which ended up triggering me hardcore (the man without the beard hurt me, the man with the beard was making amends. weird I know). He cleaned up his desk and either threw away or put away the intimacy survey I gave him (because communication re:intimacy is something we've always struggled with) without saying anything to me.

I'm staying busy. I'm concentrating on myself: self care, therapy, improvement etc. but today I'm just ... sad. And with this feeling like there's just not enough air in the room.


LadyG posted 10/14/2020 23:50 PM

Cassandrae, I just read your last post and I am depleted today.

I was sad and crying about just about everything. Itís a gloomy overcast day outside so it suits my mood.

I have a few positives but a lot of Sad negatives which I have sorted through, I think.

1) my fur baby is now completely blind but I am resolute that surgery is just not possible now. My DS is sad and asked me to get the surgery fees from WH as his father who he addresses by first name Has plenty of cash. WH sends me a message today asking if I could have a heart to heart with DS who seems depressed and refuses to get out of bed to work. DS is ok when he visits me but has to come to terms that 5k for cataract surgery for fur baby is not an option any more.

2) we may actually be allowed out of strict Covid restrictions this Sunday. I havenít left my apartment for over a week as fur baby is blind and high maintenance. I can no longer walk her. But looking for a doggy stroller as an alternative.

I had a good day yesterday. My BAN rep contacted me and we are planning to Zoom this Friday evening. Just the 2 of us for now. Sheís hoping we get more people to reach out soon. It will actually be good to see someone else and hear a female voice again.

My old high school ďfriendĒ hasnít been scared away. Heís very polite and honestly, I think I will friend zone him. We chat almost nightly and had a good laugh last night. Although heís keen to catch up for coffee when Covid permits, I have steered our conversation away from romance or relationship. We are strictly Covid isolation buddies. I am in no position to be anything else.

So to sum up, I have a new BAN zoom friend (female) and I hope a safe Covid chat buddy (male). Between the two I can start the healing process and learn to trust again. 🙏🏼

When I think about it, I wish we could zoom with some of our SI buddies. It may save us all a lot $$$ on therapy.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/15/2020 12:25 PM

Hi Womenz!

How are all of you doing?

Today is my 32nd Anniversary of being married to WH

I am not in a celebratory mood today.

WH has made dinner reservations for us and our kids tonight

I am having trouble focusing on work today

Why canít these dumb fucks just fix their broken inner shit that led them to this?

Why are we stuck picking up the pieces?

Cassandrae posted 10/15/2020 16:08 PM

Hope today is a better day for you.

Sorry you're going through this right now. Furbaby's are family and dealing with blindness and covid restrictions is no joke. Doggy stroller ftw!

Reached out to BAN myself haven't heard anything back yet. Am totally in favor of a zoom or discord BW support group. IMO we need all of the support we can get.

I have no words. Honestly however you feel is right and correct. Gentle hugs from me to you.

EllieKMAS posted 10/15/2020 17:40 PM

Can we just do a little exercise?

I may be a little pollyanna, but I pride myself on always being able to find a silver lining. Because IME there is always a glimmer of good, no matter how shitty the circumstance. And there's always humor to be found too, even on the darkest of days. And the more I make it an exercise in deliberate mindfulness to focus on good shit, the more my overall outlook improves. Mind you this doesn't mean I don't acknowledge and process when I am having a shitty day, but just that I try to focus on the good stuff. You know, that old adage that the grass is greener where you water it? Well, yeah, I'm'a water my positive grass and kick the dog shit onto the negative grass. So with that in mind...

Everyone list off 3 things you are grateful for. Nothing else - no negativity in your grateful post, just THREE good/positive/happy/funny things.

1) I am very grateful that I have a decent job that allows me to work from home and pays me enough to be able to take care of myself.

2) I am grateful for all my fur and scale kids.

3) I am thankful that I am a good cook and am looking forward to some homemade broccoli cheese soup tonight - it is cool and blustery out today, so soup sounded like a good idea.

Now you - what are you thankful for today?

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