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I don’t get it. I understand exit affairs. You wait until you find someone else because you don’t want to be alone. But I don’t get the ones who have an affair on the side and want to stay married? Are they just using the wife or husband for stability/finances/help with life and kids and the ow /om for “fun and excitement”?

Am I just so boring he steps out every few years?

I’m just trying to figure out why my stbx would do this again.

His second affair has literally brought me to my knees and is making me question my self worth. I have therapy on Monday. But sometimes I just get so low thinking about where my life went wrong. Last year this time I was expecting and we were at the beach. This year ...

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:03 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

GGT

You’ve probably read this a zillion times on SI but it bears repeating. The A had nothing to do with you.

I pondered a variation of your question for a long time. Why did I cheat yet choose to remain with my wife. I make a very good living and could afford living in my own. I could afford losing some salary to alimony and still live well.

I cheated because I wanted to. Not because there was anything lacking in my wife. It was all on me. I had said many of the same things to myself that other WS do. She wouldn’t care. She didn’t love me. Etc. The truth is I didn’t care and I certainly didn’t show her the love and respect she deserved. I won’t debate the idea that I had no love for my wife as my actions certainly showed none.

When I finally ended my A and saw who my AP really was, it shook me to my core. I realized that what I was “looking” for was right next to me all the time. Some WS never get that and it’s a shame. All they have with their AP is smoke and they’re too broken to see that. Your stbx is one of these people. You cannot make sense of his actions because you are a reasonable person. You’re trying to apply logic where none exists.

Remember there is nothing lacking in you.

I’m not sure why people cheat but I believe it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. They may justify there actions by saying you didn’t do this or that. Cheaters don’t ask themselves 1 important question.

What is the end game?

I can tell you it’s not favorable for anyone

The greatest piece of wisdom that anyone ever shared with me is this:

Cheating is a character defect

If your spouse were a compulsive gambler, you would not turn complete control of your finances over to him. You would understand the risk and make decisions based on that knowledge.

My husband wanted a certain lifestyle. I supplied it. He also wanted the thrill of the fantasy life. He knew that I would not accept what he was doing. He chose. He chose to lie and cheat, thinking he could have both. Character defect.

What gets me is the fact they are stupid enough to think they will never get caught.

I know my H doesn't like change. We have 26 yrs together, a very nice and comfortable life and are financially set for the rest of our lives.

His AP on the other hand was train wreck. She's in debt up to her ass, in a long term marriage that she claims is "horrible" (though who really knows for sure) and did the "boo hoo" dance when the A started.

I look back now and know he never intended to be with her long term. I think he had the A because he had shitty communication and coping skills, was super pissed at me and he wanted to. We were in a bad place (and yes, I played a part in our disconnection pre A) and his A was his revenge. Bad choice I agree, but at the time he had no skills on how to deal with his issues with me. He has said to me numerous times once he was out of the A, that he didn't really love her and since there was no love, didn't want the drama and didn't want to do the work to stay with her.

But this is the only time my H ever cheated. We were able to go through the HELL to R.

Just remember this had nothing to do with you. HE made the choice to cheat on you twice. Sounds like to me that HE'S the one that needs therapy.

Cheating is a character defect

I pretty much believe this in my soul. I WILL give some leeway to the ONS folks if it's just some random thing (eg not an ongoing EA that turns PA, not where a WS has been pining for the AP - more like a hookup that comes out of the blue). Not saying it's OK. NOT saying it doesn't create devastating hurt in a BS.

And

I can - somehow, even today - find some rationalization for it. A person makes a stupid choice, "in the moment" (usually involving alcohol/drugs), they do it, they feel awful about it, they IMMEDIATELY realize they've thrown their integrity, their morals, and their M/BS out the window, etc. We are taking hurtful behavior in the handful or dozens... not in the 100s or 1000s or 100,000s that go into an A that's not a random, ONE time thing. I guess I can see it as akin to putting one's hand on the stove. You know it's hot, you know it will hurt, but you do it. And then the burn immediately wakes you up to how stupid you behaved.

But in any other form of A, they DON'T wake up. They don't feel burned. They don't even consider the ways in which their world (and their BS and their kids, and the OBS/BSO, etc) are all irrevocably changed. The ONS still makes irrevocable change, but to a different degree IMO.

You cannot make sense of his actions because you are a reasonable person. You’re trying to apply logic where none exists

And that specific, situational, ONS kind of A is the only one in which my "reasonable person" can apply logic.

But aside from that specific situation (which is STILL betrayal, and STILL painful and STILL a betrayal and STILL requires the WS to do some deep soul searching) I do see it as a character defect.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:55 AM, August 22nd, 2020 (Saturday)]

Reread what ff4152 said, as it is the answer you are seeking. My WH basically said the same thing to me:

I cheated because I wanted to. Not because there was anything lacking in my wife. It was all on me. I had said many of the same things to myself that other WS do. She wouldn’t care. She didn’t love me. Etc. The truth is I didn’t care and I certainly didn’t show her the love and respect she deserved. I won’t debate the idea that I had no love for my wife as my actions certainly showed none.

When I finally ended my A and saw who my AP really was, it shook me to my core. I realized that what I was “looking” for was right next to me all the time. Some WS never get that and it’s a shame. All they have with their AP is smoke and they’re too broken to see that. Your stbx is one of these people. You cannot make sense of his actions because you are a reasonable person. You’re trying to apply logic where none exists.

Remember there is nothing lacking in you.

This is the answer, really. When my WH first answered my question of why did you do this, he didn't say much, but eventually (after therapy) he said:

I did it because I wanted to. And I didn't care about you enough to not do it.

That shit hurt to hear, but when I look at what my WH did: had an A with the wife of one of his best friends (he was in their wedding) and they all work together, continued it after they were caught, almost all the time at the workplace, and then did it yet again after that, and now is known as "that guy" where he works as it all came out eventually...he had no respect for anyone: me, the OBS, the friends he had at work that they were using and bamboozling into unwittingly helping them cover shit up, not even for the AP. He has since admitted that he was looking for something - someone to "make him happy" instead of being happy with himself. You can chase that rainbow forever.

I'm sorry that you feel decimated by this - I can relate as I have felt the same way at times - but you have to help yourself by starting to focus on his actions as they relate to HIM and not YOU. Separate them.

In my situation, it was all about maintaining his perfect husband self image that had him stay married to me during his affair Cake eater.

He had a house that he loved, a wife that did not care about him, a wife who was boring, a wife who was easy to lie to, a wife he distanced himself from as the affair continued, he had a great business relationship with the same wife, had grown children with grandchildren to whom he presented an image of the perfect husband, his family and mutual friends to whom he presented himself as a perfect husband. All of this while in the throes of his affair. and I had the last laugh when on D-Day, I threw him out of our house and told everyone what he did.

I do not write this lightly. I was gutted on D-day. But I have survived and we are in R for 15 months.

Why do people cheat but want to stay married

I think a big part of it is pure stupidity. Just too dumb to know what the fuck is going on.

Like a baby that shits all over themself. They don't know why that's bad until the smell hits them.

Same with cheaters, except they usually keep shitting themselves. At least the baby learns not to. Cheaters usually don't, so maybe even stupider than babies?

Honestly, none of it makes any sense. When my WH was in full limerence with the COW and we were fighting all of the time, we had a heart to heart. He gave me the “it doesn’t feel like we are in love anymore” speech and broke my heart. I offered him a divorce or separation right then and there - not having a clue about the COW. He could’ve been with her and I wouldn’t have known anything!!! Instead, he said no we could fix things between us and so I worked my ass to fix our marriage (not knowing he was in a damn affair!) and thought I was successful.

Dday came about 10 months later when our marriage was great. I was so devastated. I will never understand why he didn’t just leave when I gave him an out. There is no logic or reason to an affair. They are like drug addicts or something.

I am so sorry you are going through this again. Please know it has absolutely nothing to do with you. The other posters are right that it is a character defect. You could be the worst wife in the world - your WH still had options besides cheating. He could talk to you, get marriage counseling, or just ask you for a divorce. Instead he does this. That’s on him. He is not worth your time and energy. I hope someday you can see that.

It makes perfect sense--they want more than marriage. They want it all. There are lots of perks in marriage (for some). Maybe they get a second income, their laundry done, a hot meal, a beautiful home. Nice perks. But they also want or need ego kibbles that come from being wanted--validation, flirting, compliments, romance, effort.

Does everyone feel this way? Of course not. They understand trade offs, promises, commitment, integrity. But it never surprises me that people find perks in cheating while wanting to keep their M because there are a lot of broken people who want, who NEED more--to fill their brokenness. I don't mean to sound uncaring, but I am more surprised that people are surprised at cheating. We need to make sure to have a realistic appreciation of human beings and their flaws. Cheating at anything is always humanly possible. There are a lot of broken people who will cheat to get their perceived needs met. They frequently just want more due to their own deficiencies.

Are these people good enough for us????

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:34 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

A Question I asked my WH several times. I moved out even before I had proof of the last A. As soon as I left, W wanted me back.

The damage was already done and then he proceeded to destroy me and my future. He harassed me endlessly.

WH still doesn’t want a Divorce, can’t commit to Marriage but wants us to stay Married.

When I tell W that we have no marriage to salvage and I am getting a Divorce, he either breaks down pleading for another chance and then gets nasty about the financial settlement. W wants to stay married as he’s totally dependent on me. I refuse to support him through and pay for another A. He exited long ago but won’t leave me.

OIN,

I think you are spot on with this.

They want it all. There are lots of perks in marriage (for some). Maybe they get a second income, their laundry done, a hot meal, a beautiful home. Nice perks. But they also want or need ego kibbles that come from being wanted--validation, flirting, compliments, romance, effort.

My wife had a pretty good life, not perfect, but pretty good. I cooked, grocery shopped, took the kids to school and appointments and picked them up from wherever they were. I worked nights so if you forego a little sleep, you can make almost anything happen.

My wife needed validation from men, especially AP, that she was attractive and sexy. She said she needed to know she was desirable and could please a man. Never mind that I was pleased by her and told her that she was sexy and attractive. That didn't count because I loved her. I still don't understand that one.

It took me a really long time to accept that I wasn't the reason for the affair. I now realize there was a huge hole in her that neither she or I could fill. She used AP to try and fill that hole but he wasn't enough either, he just helped her down to the gutter where he was.

The A had NOTHING to do with you. Really, really think about this. Remove yourself from the situation. He only thought of himself.

As for staying married, there are so many benefits. I jokingly used to say that I did h I had a wife. Somebody to clean house, do the laundry, cook the meals....

They want to stay married because the affair had nothing to do with the marriage or you.

I totally agree with OIN it’s about them wanting ‘more’ to fill the ‘hole in the soul’/character defect whatever you call it. They lack an ability to make deep connections, they always feel off with the world, they can’t appreciate what they have in front of them, they take the joy in family life for granted, they’re shallow.

Gotto, this has NOTHING to do with you. You are a wonderful wife. You did your very best, you offered grace and compassion but he is so damaged he needs more. He will always be looking to fill this hole. His flaw will not magically go away, he needs to have had a plan of recovery to make himself safe and he did not. This isn’t on you, it’s all on him.

It wasn’t that you weren’t enough. It was that he’s not enough.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:15 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

I’ve felt that hole. I never looked for someone else. I looked to volunteer, and I also traveled a bit. But never once did I think hey, I’m feeling a little empty, better fill that up with sex with another person.

Honestly. I’m not being flippant. I don’t have time for an affair. I’m an introvert and It seems so exhausting- the thought of going out, talking to someone, being “on” ... give me sweatpants and Netflix any day over that.

That’s my point of view. I feel like something MUST be off with me to actually put time and effort and energy into having an affair.

ff4152 pretty much nailed it. My wife recently said something (after a long, long time of reflection) that mirrored this. About 6 months ago, I brought up her "I've never really loved you" statement from a day or so after D-Day v1.0, as well as her defense of the statement on two other occasions when I had brought it up.

Then about 3 weeks ago, she finally addressed it. She said that she had only said that because it made it easier for her to do what she was doing. It was a way of justifying her actions that she knew were wrong.

As everyone here has said, it isn't about us as the BS. Never has been, never will be. It is the outward manifestation of a character defect.

Why do people cheat but want to stay married?

Because they are selfish people with narcissistic tendencies, a high degree of self entitlement, and low EQ. In other words, emotional vampires.

it’s not much more complicated than that.

They cheat because they see an opportunity, they want it (and yes it is out of lust both for WW’s and WH’s), and they think they can get away with it.

Then about 3 weeks ago, she finally addressed it. She said that she had only said that because it made it easier for her to do what she was doing. It was a way of justifying her actions that she knew were wrong.

My WW has said a version of this about a lot of past hurtful statements. And what kind of person thinks it is OK to throw around toxic hurtful false language in service of their own selfish desires?

I’ll leave that question hanging. But ask yourself that.

It’s kind of like I asked my WW what kind of woman trades sex for favors of any kind? Because how often do WW’s claim they offered AP sex so that he would keep giving her emotional validation? And then just let the question hang.

Why do people cheat but want to stay married?

Because they are selfish people with narcissistic tendencies, a high degree of self entitlement, and low EQ. In other words, emotional vampires.

it’s not much more complicated than that.

They cheat because they see an opportunity, they want it (and yes it is out of lust both for WW’s and WH’s), and they think they can get away with it.

Agreed.

And if the BS wants to stay with the cheater then they have to wrap their mind around this reality. This IMO is where the whole FOO, they are broken, they got played, narrative comes in.