SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Best of Both Worlds Syndrome.

And they will tell themselves every lie possible to keep both of those worlds going for them and blame everyone else when they start to collide.

ff4152 says it very well.

Just remember - your self worth is not theirs to take.

"Then about 3 weeks ago, she finally addressed it. She said that she had only said that because it made it easier for her to do what she was doing. It was a way of justifying her actions that she knew were wrong."

My cheating H said the same thing. "Oh I only said that to make you hate me". He said this when he wanted to come back.

My response was "well good job, it worked". We are divorced.

Ha. Nothing quite like taking a cheaters stupid, circular, “logic” and turning it back on them.

Way to go Susielee

Gotta, honey, you're spinning in circles again trying to answer the elusive whys. You're probably never going to find an answer that satisfies you completely.

Have you ever met anyone that feels entitled to things and no matter how much they get they are still not satisfied and feel entitled to more? That's what some wayward spouses are like (raising hand here). Some are a bottomless pit of need. The perfect spouse and family is still not enough to fulfill that desire for more. The wayward may truly love you based on their own twisted definition (raising hand again), but for these entitled waywards it is still not enough. They want the nice, comfy marriage and family (keeping up a public image may be at play here), but they want more. And they feel they are entitled to have it, with or without their spouse's blessing or knowledge.

Let go of the whys, Gotta, and keep working toward acceptance.

Gotta, over a period of years, your WH layered sexist and looks-ist abuse on top of the abuse with the various betrayals. It takes a lot of thought to unpack all of those false messages and reconstruct true messages.

In my case my wife was a cake eater.. She would never consider leaving me.. But wanted the validation she got from being able to attract a younger guy.. Even if part of that attraction came from festivals she would take him to with our money.

She never even considered what the fallout would be if I found out, she mentioned it once to the AP.. that if I ever found out she'd lose everything.. But even that thought wasn't enough to stop herself from having what she wanted..

Cheaters are very selfish.. They don't consider the marriage.. The family.. The devastation.. It is always about their needs.

Until you find out... Then they are sorry.. If you are lucky they get that they've fucked up.. And try to do everything they can to fix things... If they don't then you try your best to salvage things until they do.. Or file..

But even after finding out and hitting them with DDay.. I think most cheaters will sti say they don't want a divorce.. Trouble is there aren't that many cheaters who are willing to put the effort in to properly reconcile..

FF1452 said what I was thinking.

That’s my point of view. I feel like something MUST be off with me to actually put time and effort and energy into having an affair.

I guess it depends on your story, perhaps that is how it worked with your husband.

I haven't seen the recent statistics on this but there is a large number of people who have an affair with a work colleague. I don't know if it's a majority, but I would bet that it's at least 1/3 or even more than that. Why? Because in all reality cheaters are lazy.

We are lazy in our relationships too. We don't communicate, we hide our truths, we play a role. I would not say I was always that way, but for the couple of years leading into the affair, I was definitely not communicating, not evaluating, not being self aware. Avoidant behaviors cause a lot of things to pile up - resentments, loss of sense of self, etc.

So, a lot of times I think a cheater will take some positive attention from a work colleague (or someone else that is in a convenient proximity) and make it out in their minds that would be an easier path.

It's much harder to think you can change the nature of a relationship that has established patterns. We are just really freaking lazy. Any effort we then put in towards this other person is for our own self-adulation. To be seen a certain way or to affirm something we want to see in ourselves. We can't do that with our spouses - they know us and can call bullshit at any time.

Affairs are typically about escapism, convenience, laziness, and self-validation. They are not about love, or even always about lust. Most people actually affair down by quite a lot.

I also think a good number of us are having an exit affair but when the reality hits the reason that we can't make quality changes in our relationships is because we are so freaking lazy and not instrospective. We typically snap out of it and say "what the hell was I thinking, I was about to leave someone way better, the type of person that I really want, the one I love and have built my life with...for a clown".

It's the kind of thing that makes you want to slap yourself in the face.

I don't think all cheaters are narcissist's. But, I do believe those who aren't are at least temporarily displaying those characteristics. But, we are being narcissists with the AP too. Affairs are not about the AP or the spouse. Affairs are about the person having them.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:50 AM, August 24th (Monday)]

Am I just so boring he steps out every few years?

I’m just trying to figure out why my stbx would do this again.

His cheating has NOTHING to do w/ you. He is a broken shitty person.

Honestly who wouldn't want a wife that cooks the meals, does the laundry, makes sure the unfun chores/jobs w/ the kids are done, and keeps the toilets clean? I mean I wouldn't mind having someone do all that for me too.

It's just easy for these broken slobs. It has nothing to do with who you are, and the kind of wife you have been.

Stop trying to make sense out of crazy. It won't happen. EVER. Just know he single handedly ruined your M not once but twice.

We are lazy in our relationships too. We don't communicate, we hide our truths, we play a role. I would not say I was always that way, but for the couple of years leading into the affair, I was definitely not communicating, not evaluating, not being self aware. Avoidant behaviors cause a lot of things to pile up - resentments, loss of sense of self, etc.

So, a lot of times I think a cheater will take some positive attention from a work colleague (or someone else that is in a convenient proximity) and make it out in their minds that would be an easier path.

^^^^^^^^

Once again HO hits the nail on the head.

Why did I stay for him to break my heart, my confidence, and my emotional well-being again?

Why didn’t I say no to reconcile in 2011??? Why didn’t I listen to friends and family? I know the answer. The thought of him just simply not caring about me hurt more than the affairs and the emotional abuse and the other women. I can’t stand that he doesn’t care about me.

The same thing happened with his family. They don’t like me. For years I pushed a relationship. Going out of my way to do things for them/ go to holidays even though they did things like call me names and at Christmas the exchanged presents but left me out.

It took me a long time to say f that and I have other people that like me and want to spend time with me, I’ll focus on them. It’s the same story.

Those are good reflections and questions. You have the most control over yourself and what you are willing to do moving forward.