SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To your children

“ whatever happens between me and your mother does not change our love for you one bit . I know you think i didnt give this time , trust me you only think that because i did not share all the sordid details with you and never will . I want you to know that living with my own self respect was not just important for me as a person but also as a father “

Asides from that , pain and anger take a while to resolve but you have made the best decision possible and as gracefully as anyone ever can . You have alot to be proud of .

I don’t know if it will make you feel any better, but I filed for divorce roughly 6 weeks after D-day, and I don’t feel I rushed things at all. In fact, I felt I was taking my own life back, even if it was a different life than the one I had pictured before I found out my ex cheated on me.

Wishing you strength.

AHGuy I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with the glum mood of your family. Frankly it is not fair and quite selfish for anyone to say you need to take more time, and it actually bothers me to hear that's the case. Could your WW be influencing or manipulating them to feel that way?

Does anyone there know the full extent of what she put you through? It seems to me like she is still trying to play the innocent upstanding church wife who "made a mistake" which could not be further from the truth.

Please don't beat yourself up, as I imagine your good heart is breaking while having to deal with this disapproval and push back from people you love. But you are not wrong. I truly believe your wife is playing this situation to her advantage still and I don't want to speculate, but is there a a chance she knows if she can get you off balance and to feel bad enough she will get her way in the end?

Either way I wish you strength and peace. You are a good man and you're ultimately doing what is right for you and your family. The dynamic you're faced with is toxic and it's the right thing for you to completely detach from it in order to heal from this trauma.

She is still so self absorbed and selfish that she is willing to hurt you MORE with her drama and crying and allowing her family to guilt you. She could stop that. She could choose to accept consequences like a grown up. She could tell your daughter and her family to place the blame where it belongs - on her. But she isn't because that would be uncomfortable for HER and she would rather make you uncomfortable. It really says a lot.

I have read several stories from WWs on this site who let their BS go without drama and hysterics. Sure they were upset because their BS was divorcing them, but these WWs knew that they had to pay the consequences for destroying their BS and the M - that it was the right thing to do so their BS could heal. Truly selfless.

Stay the course, AH, and keep posting - you may want to start your next thread in the D/S forum as you will receive sage and sound advice from those folks.

Sending strength,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:39 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

AH,

Thumos said,

As others have said, there's little value in peeling a band aid off slowly -- in fact the better analogy is peeling a dried bandage off a suppurating gaping life-threatening wound. You don't peel a band aid off that. You apply emergency triage.

Your children are old enough to understand exactly why you're doing what you're doing. Next time this comes up with your daughter or son, say "I hope this never happens to you. But when it does, I will have your back, and that's what I want from you now. I want your support. I'm not moving forward without thinking this through. Given the facts in front of me, this is the best course of action for my mental and physical health."

If you say this to ANYONE who dares to question you, you'll put them in their place. You're doing what is right for YOU, not for THEM. This is YOUR marriage. You wife destroyed it at least 2 YEARS ago...not 3 weeks ago. That's when she decided to fuck another man to whom she wasn't married to. She took the special away from you and threw it all away. That was her choice and she did it thousands of times. Personally, I think this was her exit affair...and not her first one. Her first one was 6 years ago when she started to change her appearance and activity. But that's just me.

AH, its easy to see how you may have caused the breakdown in your marriage. We all do that as BSs. But it goes both ways, and we didn't go and cheat or look for affirmation elsewhere b/c we were adults about it. Don't spend any more time beating yourself up over her breaking up your family.

I think the glaring thing from your most recent post shows that your WW is still playing the victim card, and allowing others to barrel down on your for moving too quickly. Its a guilt tactic. It shows that she is still not R material. She at the very least should be pushing your daughter, son, family, church off to give you peace and taking all that blame on herself. After all, it was her affair that caused this, and yet, she's in hysterics instead of taking the bullet for you so to speak. Look at it in reverse, would you have taken the bullet for her? Of course you would have. And that right there, is really all you need to know. Time and again, you have stood up for the family and your W. Its time now to take a stand for yourself, take time for yourself and heal.

Maybe in time she comes around, maybe she doesn't, but at least you have taken the approach that gets you out of limbo and infidelity. You took the approach you needed after she blew up your marriage. In time, you'll be able to see if she takes the right approach to winning you back.

AH you will now see your WW's true colors from this day forward. If she is truly R material, she will do the work to fix herself, but I predict she will quickly fall back into selfish patterns and prove to you she was never R material. Just my prediction.

I predict she will quickly fall back into selfish patterns and prove to you she was never R material.

Agreed. I’ll be shocked if it’s otherwise.

Just to explain one point, and again sorry if I'm not expressing myself clearly when I write, no one is putting any blame on me the all know that it was all her faults, no one is condoning her behavior not even her mom. My daughter is my number one supporter since day 1, she went harder on her mom that I ever was to a point where she is barely talking to her, I don't think there is anyone more disappointed at my wife more than our daughter. she is not a kid, she is a very mature 24 years old woman, she was hoping and still that her mom can come to her senses and fix the situation, what I didn't know till yesterday is that she was hoping I would forgive her mom and reconcile with her once she put herself together. my daughter is not blaming me she is just sad and hoped I had taken more time to think about D and dissolving my business. and that was my brother's opinion too.

my business is 100% me I'm the one who controls the flow of business because I'm the only sales man. I could have made it bigger and hired more people but refused to do it. because I wanted it to represent me. the way it structures made take most of my time and for that I was wrong. I will just let it die. that's how I'm feeling right now maybe I'll change my mind.

Might be an idea to let the other B/S know

J0ck, she knows. she is a tremendous help. she reached out to give an official report about my wife's affair. she even payed her PI to do it. I felt bad because with a consensual D I won't need it but it is there just in case. there are things that out of my intelligence level to explain like why the law in my state forbids me to record and spy on my wife and can go to jail for it but if a licensed investigator did it is OK?

the OBS admitted to me that she was helping me because she hates my wife. I told her I understood because I would love nothing more than making her husband pay for it too.

Don’t be surprised that you will get continued pressure from your daughter to reconcile. The pull of having a intact family, even at that age is strong. My daughters were a little older than your when she found out, which was only after I initiated a separation. They came down hard on their mom, but quickly circled the wagons as they saw how she was falling apart.

I was always the fixer in the family, and my daughters were looking me to fix it. In the end they felt my wife had made a terrible mistake based on emotions, but never with the goal of breaking up the family.

They viewed what I did in not forgiving as a cold calculated decision to break up the marriage. Not right, but the emotions ran high.

Stick to your guns. Eventually you daughter will come around.

I do agree with the others that you should go thru with the divorce and get the best terms you can. Two years of screwing this guy while putting you in a subservient role is disgraceful. They were laughing at you. Now it’s your turn.

If you feel later that you want to work on things, you can do that. On your terms

I was advised to take a step back by almost everyone involved even my lawyer said I should take time for myself to reevaluate the situation. My brother my daughter and of course her family all think that I rushed to it. It was a very sad and dull atmosphere all day yesterday for everyone. Everyone here is thinking that I rushed to it and should have taken more time.

Not one of those people understand the nature of your injury. Not one.

Something I realized pretty early on after experiencing my WH's betrayal is that I never really understood what it does to people. I've had friends who got cheated on, and I empathized. I thought I understood... but I didn't, and I'm appalled at the shallowness of my advice back then. I didn't KNOW until it happened to me.

Here's a story for you... My grandfather was a florid alcoholic back in the day. He worked out of town and he'd get drunk, call my grandmother up, and tell her right over the phone that he was shacked up with some barfly he'd met. She'd get upset, call my dad, and he'd go find Grandpa and wrestle him into the car. More than once, my Grandpa would point a gun at him first though. It was all very dramatic as you might imagine. Eventually, my grandfather got sober and turned into a pretty good guy. He did get prostate cancer though and that changed him again because he was on a cath for the rest of his life. My grandmother confided to me that he'd always held her in his arms when they slept, but after his surgery, he'd stopped. They died nine months apart and as we were going through all their old papers, my sister and I kept finding little calendar books with information about Grandpa's doings and whereabouts. She'd kept track of him for years and years, always vigilant, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always suspecting he would leave her again.

Here's the thing though... I didn't really understand what my grandmother was feeling while she kept those little calendars or when Grandpa changed toward her. I thought I did. I could recognize insecurity. But I couldn't really FEEL it. My empathy didn't do justice to the injury or to the way it shaped everything about my grandmother, including her somewhat abusive attitude toward my mother, who was also a cheater in earlier years. After my own DDay, I could see her with new eyes.

Anyway, all those people who are telling you that you're moving too fast can't comprehend your feelings. It's not their fault. This is just something that people can't understand until it happens to them. This is an injury which reaches down to our deepest self. As humans, we're hardwired from birth to fear abandonment so this kind of wounding is existential. It causes us to question EVERYTHING we thought we knew about life, about love, about God, about relationships, etc. Nothing is out of bounds, the very ground under our feet seems shaky. And I would love to be able to tell you that people catch up and eventually get it, but our actions as BS are inexplicable to them. You'll need to be prepared to deal with some pressure and resentment from your children. The best you can do is make it clear to them that your feelings toward their mother have changed in a permanent way and that splitting up is a kindness at this point, which allows both of you to move past any further acrimony. Keep emphasizing that it's the kindest thing you can do for your WS.

You'll get through this. You're at the hard part now, but eventually, everyone will reach acceptance of your decision.

Sometimes life as we know it needs to be deep-six'd in order for us to build a new and better one.

You're not wrong, your not crazy, you're not to blame, and you're not being rash.

Always choose what's best for you. You're the prize and you're worth it. Take care of yourself.

I honor and respect you for your handling of this.

No one else mentioned this so I guess I will. “I still love you but...”

There is such a thing as being honest to a fault. While I have no doubt it is true, it telegraphs to her that if she can keep working on you, maybe you will realize that you are making a mistake. That is not healthy for her or you. Many BSes experience this when WS drops some offhand comment and they go into a tailspin of hopium.

It’s going to be hard enough going forward, and if you are resolved as you say, giving her false windows of opportunity is counterproductive. I know you get this, so just be careful about words of affection. Some might see you as waffling, others accuse you of playing the martyr. It’s just unnecessary to use this sort of softening language when you are flicking the switch and turning off the lights on this relationship.

Sorry for what you’re going through Brother.

The minute your wife stepped outside of your marriage this became about YOU, and what YOU need in order to heal.

The time line this works off of belongs to you. If you know there is no coming back from what WW did, the most “love” you can show your WW is to end it.

the OBS admitted to me that she was helping me because she hates my wife. I told her I understood because I would love nothing more than making her husband pay for it too.

and that does not make it any less the Right Thing to Do.

Well, brother, if it feels right for you, then do it. Close family would naturally prefer R over D. Due to the connection they have have mum & dad, sister & brother etc. they know the pair of you. But I feel don’t understand the pain of infidelity, betrayal and disrespect.

Just because the paperwork is filed, it does mean life is over. You can move fwd and remain in contact. Possible after the marriage has been put to rest; IC on both parties. The friendship between the two of you can be revisited. But that is down the track. Again take your time.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:13 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

Common for WW to want an affair an not want a divorce.

WW future fake talk with their OM. Feed off each other by

mutual stroking of their egos. As indicated in the discovered

letter.

Easy for WW to get caught up in the addictive feelings for

their affair. Doing and saying whatever they need to keep

their OM interested. Yet not look to divorce because they

compartmentalize their affair relationship and their marriage

life.

On D day they will trickle truth, minimize, deny, deflect all

for damage control. Doing those things do not make a WW

a bad candidate for recovery. Normal WW response.

When a WW becomes willing to talk and answer a BH questions.

Stopping the lies. Open to hearing what she has to

do to save her marriage. Coming forth and offering to give

up her rights to the house, BH retirement, BH business is a

good start.

A BH can let the divorce process proceed. Tell his WW this

divorce for now going through. Though you will let her show

you how true her efforts are to repair the damage she caused.

Through away a business, shutting it down, putting people

out of work, turning yourself from a business owner to an

employee. Your son still needs a wake up call and direction.

Years ago infidelity forums were filled mostly with people

that were WS and BS helping each other deal with the pain.

Now there are many people that have never been involved in

an affair being arm chair generals.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 6:31 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

my business is 100% me. I will just let it die. that's how I'm feeling right now maybe I'll change my mind.

Wiithin 2-5 years, it is estimated that 50% of all HVAC systems willl cease to function due to the elimination of R22 freon. Once the supply of R22 is gone, a HVAC system will have to be retrofitted (changing a deisel engine to regular gas) or completely replaced. A comwrcial business wothout AC or heat will shut down faster than a Covid scare.

Your line of business is about to explode and you are considering shutting it down?.

Your life will change in 2 years. with or without your WW. I would suggest you to seperate your business decisions from all the other noise.

You are an entrepenuer. A business owner. You know what it feels like to have the keys to YOUR door. To have a checkbook that requires your signature. You feed more familys than your own. You have a duty to not only survive, but to thrive.

Shuttinh down your business will destroy you just as much as a divorce. This is your baby. You probably started it from zero. Reconsider.

[This message edited by 66charger at 10:03 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

I am not sure if this has been broght up but if you disolve the business are you on the hook for that being a community property?

Will have to pay any support or pay out based on the income that you had for years before the divorce?

Did your lawyer ok this?

I have a friend who works in the Dade county court system and she says the referee or arbitrator or judge does not like it when people make themselves poor in order to pay less to their X

Just something that has been bugging me and I don’t know why.

When STBX and her AP were confronted with evidence of the 2 year tryst. She never told you, just stated that he was now using another tradesman. I feel if she had come to you and confessed it may have shown her remorse side a bit more.

She only started the pick me dance herself, after you were informed by the OM wife. That was a few days later; how did she sleep knowing this was over her head?

One day at a time

Buffer

Wiithin 2-5 years, it is estimated that 50% of all HVAC systems willl cease to function due to the elimination of R22 freon. Once the supply of R22 is gone, a HVAC system will have to be retrofitted (changing a deisel engine to regular gas) or completely replaced. A comwrcial business wothout AC or heat will shut down faster than a Covid scare.

Your line of business is about to explode and you are considering shutting it down?.

Your life will change in 2 years. with or without your WW. I would suggest you to seperate your business decisions from all the other noise.

You are an entrepenuer. A business owner. You know what it feels like to have the keys to YOUR door. To have a checkbook that requires your signature. You feed more familys than your own. You have a duty to not only survive, but to thrive.

Shuttinh down your business will destroy you just as much as a divorce. This is your baby. You probably started it from zero. Reconsider.

Thanks 66Charger, the heat of the moment was a big part of that decision but there were other factors too mainly the fact that my business operates out of my house and if I divorce and can't keep it I would have to go rent a warehouse, in order to do that I will have to increase the flow of my business and generate more work and eventually hire more people, to be honest I'm not ready to do that at this moment. believe me I'm not going anywhere away from the trade there is a plan just won't go through its details yet. with that being said I'm feeling so much better today than how I was Friday, so after many talks with my brother and some friends I'm starting to reconsider all options and we will see. the problem is that my wife is insisting she wants to stay in the house with the boys, I don't know how she can do it neither does she. in order for us to have a consensual D we need to agree on its terms but non of us has proposed anything yet. I understand she needs time too to absorb the reality of it but something has to move forward.I talked to her Saturday morning, she was in bad state, she said she would never go after my business or be nasty she at least owes that to my children.she kept mostly quite this time as I explained how I need to do whatever it takes for me to heal, she just said that she wish she could be part of it. she left to stay with her mom for the weekend they went to her sister for dinner and to the church on Sunday. her mom called me to let me know about their plan and to " assure me" that she isn't going anywhere she shouldn't be. I don't know why she felt she had to let me know. that gave me a chance to do some overdue work around the house and it was fun, yeap i like to work, then watched a movie with my youngest then enjoyed some UFC fights. Sunday was even a better day we went fishing in the Chesapeake bay, a friend of friend of mine invited me my brother and my sons (only my youngest went) and 2 other friends to his nice boat. he is a divorced man and wanted to chill me out. we talked about my situations and they all give their takes. it really helped me clear out some doubts and fears. it was a nice day in the bay, the only setback was that the boat was very fancy and had a little bed and a kitchenette , when I saw that I could stop thinking that my wife had sex with the POSOM in a boat just like that one. I see the bed and literally imagine her there naked it was fucked up. I did my best to not think too much about it.

I am not sure if this has been broght up but if you disolve the business are you on the hook for that being a community property?

Will have to pay any support or pay out based on the income that you had for years before the divorce?

Did your lawyer ok this?

I have a friend who works in the Dade county court system and she says the referee or arbitrator or judge does not like it when people make themselves poor in order to pay less to their X

Like i said I won't go through the details but just want to clarify that it will not be dissolved, there is another word for it just can't think of it right now. the lawyer is aware but he's only suggesting this in the worst case scenario, she is insisting that she won't be nasty and won't go after my business but my problem is I just wanted a new start. keep in mind that she is making almost the same kind of money I generate from my business after all the expenses.

Just something that has been bugging me and I don’t know why.

When STBX and her AP were confronted with evidence of the 2 year tryst. She never told you, just stated that he was now using another tradesman. I feel if she had come to you and confessed it may have shown her remorse side a bit more.

She only started the pick me dance herself, after you were informed by the OM wife. That was a few days later; how did she sleep knowing this was over her head?

One day at a time

Buffer, she just told me that he gave her a 30 days notice and decided to go with a different management. honestly didn't think too much of it. she kind of started the pick me dance before I was informed by the OBS, she treated me good for both my birthday and father's day she was trying to get kind of closer, i didn't understand why. it is really hard to explain or predict human's behavior now a days.