SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Gr8ful,

At no point did I say she was a victim. She is 100% responsible for her actions. Her plight is a direct result of her own stupidity, and I'm guessing her own sense that she was smarter and more savy than she really was. A woman with zero experience outside of her high school sweetheart, she wound up getting rolled right out the gate.

As far as protecting her reputation, she has no reputation now. Her friends have pretty much walked away from her.Her business is done. Her family shuns her, and her church only takes pity on her because they know she's a cheater. And it's her own fault. The sooner she admits that to OP and herself, the sooner everyone can get on with their lives.

This is not stupidity. She was pretty open with her affair.

Hope you do not have covid.

Part 3 of this thread found here. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648789

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:45 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]

People are subject to manipulation tactics in many ways. Everything from television advertisements, to 'news', to work place decision making. It's actually a normal part of life and *everybody* deals with it one way or another.

It's crystal clear that this specific POSOM was manipulating her. And she fell for it: hook, line, sinker. There are many ways this manipulation plays out, the facts here are just one of those ways.

But she was looking anyway. She was open to it anyway. It really doesn't matter why this particular POS was successful where others were not (assuming there, in fact, were no others).

What is not so crystal clear is whether or not she was in love with AH while she was being unfaithful. Her words do *not* support that. Her actions do *not* support that. It wasn't until things blew up in her face that that duality started to play out. I suspect that 'I never wanted to divorce' was more a CYA kind of statement after discovery (and rejection). As the reality of the damage she had done set in, then she did the calculus about the damage to *her*. And it's very plausible to me that she has only been looking at things from her point-of-view the whole time; including now.

Can I be certain? No. Of course not. But her words and actions do not line up with 'I never stopped loving you, and never wanted a divorce.' Even now, she had to be told by a third party to leave AH alone. She did not listen to that before she knew that others would have a poor opinion of her if she continued to contact him.

[This message edited by justsayno at 11:38 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

“All seduction requires a willing subject” - Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

Another 50 pages done, time to open Part 3.

MountainGuy, she was inexperienced. But so what?

There are no excuses for an adult to behave the ay she has behaved.

And you can say you didn't excuse her or make her a victim, but you did. And that is absolutely harmful to a betrayed spouse.

Another 50 pages done, time to open Part 3.

Don't think mountain guy's making excuses he's giving what to me sounds like quite a good explanation of her and POSOM's behaviour,it doesn't excuse her and he's not pushing D or R.

Another 50 pages done, time to open Part 3.

Has any progress been made over the last 50 pages?

Has any progress been made over the last 50 pages?

Truthfully, Bigger, I do believe that AH has made very good progress. He has seemed to obtain some stable emotional footing. He sees that there is more than one possible way out of infidelity. He has protected himself, to a point, financially, and he has started the mandatory separation clock if he does decide to divorce. So yes, I think that AH is doing well.

As for everyone else......

And personally, I do think that MountainGuy offers a very believable possibility of how this disaster unfolded. There were no innocent waifs starting this affair; just one of the two was far more experienced.

Has any progress been made over the last 50 pages?

I think so, at at least that how I feel. I want to thank all of you for your support, lot of you think highly of me, maybe because you don't really know me, I'm not anywhere close to the very nice image of me my story had alluded you. I have may flaws. My wife blew up our marriage but I wasn't the best husband prior to that either and I knew it all along. it is just fair to give you the whole picture. I was hard headed, I dictated almost every move in our marriage. I was working too much and have a mental condition that prevents me from sitting in one place so I was always out doing things. I ignored my WW emotional needs for years and years thinking that by cooking and doing most of the house chores I would be making it up for her. before you say anything, I know that doesn't excuse her affair, she should have walked out before thinking about having another man. I'm just being honest with you because I don't want you to think too highly of a flawed man like me. Yes I did love her and I would have sacrificed my life for her and my kids if I had to,but I was too damn arrogant to think I had everything under control. i got to realize now that all I've been doing is hiding from the problems. Do you really think that Iim that good? and women would love a guy like me if i was available? not till they know who I really I'm.

most of you think I'm handling things right, I just can't see it. I'm just lost wondering around all the thoughts and possibilities and trusting destiny. keep changing mind every second, and have no clear plan. some times i just wish I had filed for divorce the first day and left.

MointainGuy, I appreciate you taking time to chime in. you sound just like the pastor we talked to, he was saying things similar to what you wrote to point where I was like "is that him?" the only thing different is that he emphasized more on her current mental state after loosing everything.

AH,

We are deeply flawed each and every one of us. It's called the human condition.

We have flaws that can lead to our SOs wanting to divorce us. We have flaws that we can't even reconcile with ourselves. This is called the human condition.

The thing is you are a big enough man to acknowledge your flaws and right or wrong tried to do the best you can because and despite of them to keep your family safe and happy. This is selfless.

Sure, you did things solely for yourself as well, who doesn't? However, your family and your wife had always featured high on your priority list.

Would another woman appreciate these traits? Absolutely.

AH, introspection is good, getting to know yourself warts and all is something we all need to strive to do, but self-flagellation serves no long term purpose.

I don't think any of us was under the illusion that you were somehow perfect, but you were the victim of perhaps the most heinous deceitful transgression, short of murder that one person can do to another due to it's soul-destroying nature and the person you trusted the most, your wife, was thrusting the dagger.

Speaking for myself, my motivation for wanting to see you be happy again has a selfish tinge.

You see I have experienced pain akin to what you have and are going through. To see you get to the other side, mostly intact and find happiness again would fill me with a sense of satisfaction because it would feel like another victorious blow against the scourge that so deeply wounded me.

In summary, no you're not perfect and neither are any of us, contiguously you have never even eluded to telling us that you are, therefore none of us had that illusion, but you are good enough and decent enough to find your happiness with another beautifully descent woman should you so choose.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 6:47 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

Don't fall into the trap of self-deprecating, your wife simply started taking you for granted a long time ago and instead of appreciating, say, 80% of the things you did right, she decided to focus on the 20% you struggled with - it's no justification for an affair or even walking out on you, if that had happened. It's not even enough to justify mentally and emotionally checking out of the marriage a few years ago.

Like Dictum Veritas I'm personally invested in your story and I'd like to see it ending happily (whatever the ending might be). I, like you, was betrayed, emotionally abused and abandoned over not being affectionate enough and all my positive qualities meant nothing. Peace and strength.

Have you had a flat tire?

If you drive at 5 mph, you can still move forward. If you drive at 70 mph, it’s more of an issue.

What is the root cause in the above analogy? Driving too fast or the flat tire?

Your WW is the flat tire. You feel there’s a problem because you drove too fast. Maybe it didn’t help but it’s not the root cause. You car is supposed to handle 70 mph.

Now you have to focus on the root cause and see if you want to patch the tire or replace it.

When a husband has a behavior that is detrimental to the marriage, you usually end up with the wife saying “we need to talk”. Every married man on this earth knows what it means Then the husband can be hard headed and the wife can D. It happens all thetime. Or the H can change and makes some efforts to improve. It happens all the time.

You can’t fix your flat tire problem by putting a better radio so you won’t hear it.

You can be a better driver and drive more safely, limit your speed to 55 mph. But one way or the other, something has to be done with that flat tire.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:39 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

AHGuy, we are all flawed. Every one of us. No BS is a perfect spouse. NO ONE is a perfect spouse.

Do you really think that Iim that good? and women would love a guy like me if i was available?

I think plenty of women would be interested in a guy who is honest and hard working. Also, you are learning from this experience and whether you choose R or D, whoever your next relationship is with, I suspect you will be more cognizant of your partners needs, but also, your own needs. I think that is something that most people who experience infidelity learn, to talk about their needs and ask their partner.

A woman with zero experience outside of her high school sweetheart, she wound up getting rolled right out the gate.

Actually we don’t know this and the odds are against it. The four years prior to the affair strongly suggest otherwise. There’s a high probability she dallied and experimented before jumping into a full blown affair. One reason many have suggested AHGuy consider a polygraph that covers these years.

I was hard headed, I dictated almost every move in our marriage. I was working too much and have a mental condition that prevents me from sitting in one place so I was always out doing things. I ignored my WW emotional needs for years and years thinking that by cooking and doing most of the house chores I would be making it up for her. before you say anything, I know that doesn't excuse her affair, she should have walked out before thinking about having another man. I'm just being honest with you because I don't want you to think too highly of a flawed man like me. 

AH,

If there is ONE THING THAT MAY BE A POSITIVE FROM INFIDELITY, it's that it gives us introspection. We tend to not only look inward, but more often than not, it allows us to see our flaws more clearly. It often gives us the jump start to want to address these flaws....not for our wayward spouses, but for ourselves. And others around us benefit from this.

And if I timed this right, I've filled out this thread.