SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hold the following to be true. Once AH's wife cheated physically the very first time, let alone for 2 years, she unilaterally divorced him without bothering to let him know.

He doesn't owe her anything and personally although I would not engage in this, I don't consider that a mad-hatter has done anything wrong after being cheated on if following through with a divorce.

This being said, AH made an agreement with Mrs. AH that excludes dating others during their separation.

Right or Wrong, detrimental to his healing or not Ah did enter into this agreement.

AH is a man of integrity and I believe his word is his bond.

The caveat is that AH entered into this agreement without full disclosure and thus did not have all the facts to make an informed decision.

AH, if and when you find out something that is a deal-breaker for you it negates this agreement, you are justified to nullify the agreement in it's entirety, proceed with divorce and date whomsoever you wish.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 12:18 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

If AH wants to meet another woman for lunch,that's fine. Even though he agreed he wouldn't date. It all boils down to whether AH is a man of his word, or not

This is not fair, I'm sorry. You probably came at this with your heart so I am not attacking you. but i dont believe that statement is fair.

AhGuy has been subjected to a tremendous amount of deceit and distress from his WW and still remains a man of his word. Honestly if he met another woman for lunch that would be par for the course. i would suggest not kicking off a relationship or having sex with her yet, but because AH is a great guy and man of his word this may help him

It seems folk are leaning to the perspective that if he meets her he will want to d but what if this girl thinks like him and can be a friend? After all, she is a recommendation from his brother.

Alternatively what if she is a gongshow? She is way younger. What if ah gets a taste of that?

It is beneficial to always expand your horizons and look out for yourself AHguy. You never know what kind of growth can happen within yourself if you stay stuck. That's all I can say about that.

[This message edited by Elysian16 at 1:22 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

I believe he is a man of his word. I believe he is a good man.

It doesn't matter what any of you think, that once a wife cheats its OK for her BH to do the same. Despite saying he wouldn't. It matters what AH believes. Who he is, and what he wants.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:35 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

AH,

You’re doing great man.

Just focus on whatever it is you have to do to get this separation done and finalized. Then I would suggest getting some physical and emotional distance from your cheating wife. That should help give you a little more mental clarity.

As far as other, higher quality, women go.....they’re not going anywhere. They will still be out there whenever you’re ready.

Be that next week, or next year. It’s all on your timetable now.

Even though he agreed he wouldn't date. It all boils down to whether AH is a man of his word, or not.

He agreed verbally before she gave her timeline. It’s up to him of course but he’s well within his rights to say he’s no longer comfortable with this verbal agreement given the extent of the timeline and how widespread knowledge of the infidelity was.

And taking the lady out for coffee for a little conversation isn’t a date in any case. AH’s WW already divorced him. He’s already told her he wants to formalize her spiritual divorce by carrying it out on paper.

Otherwise they are in all essentials divorced. He owes her no loyalty, but if he chooses to not date that’s entirely up to him. Pressuring him about honor and so forth is ludicrous in light of his WW’s nuclear level betrayal.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:51 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

One of those terms is no dating.

No matter how you try to twist the wording

No one is twisting anything. The commitment not to date was verbal and not part of the legal separation — and made before his WW disclosed the timeline. It was yet another manipulative gambit by her to corner him, and it’s pretty easy to see that. Her additional disclosure of information including how widespread and open she was about cheating substantially changes what was agreed to before.

That said no one is urging him to go on a dating spree but merely to go have lunch with the nice lady. I mean come on.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:56 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

Thumos back the F off....nobody is "pressuring" AH to do anything.

He's a grown ass man who will do what HE wants to do.

The way I look at it, at the end of the day, all a man has is his word.

However I digress because my point was Thumos (if you bothered to read and more importantly comprehend what I wrote) was dating would only confuse AH given he has NO experience doing this as he's been with his WW his entire adult life and he's still trying to sort out what he wants to do. He's at the crossroad of one of the biggest decisions he's ever going to make and he needs to be thinking clearly.

Going out with another woman isn't going to help him in my humble opinion and AH is free to disagree because he has free VOLITION to do what he wants and needs to do and if you call this "pressuring" than have at it.

In my opinion, it would just be too confusing to bring another person into the situation at this point, even if just for lunch.

Keep the upper hand. Figure out reconciliation or divorce. THEN move forward in whichever direction you decide. Things are cleaner that way. Your mind will be clearer, too.

No one is twisting anything. The commitment not to date was verbal and not part of the legal separation — and made before his WW disclosed the timeline. It was yet another manipulative gambit by her to corner him, and it’s pretty easy to see that. Her additional disclosure of information including how widespread and open she was about cheating substantially changes what was agreed to before.

That said no one is urging him to go on a dating spree but merely to go have lunch with the nice lady. I mean come on.

Its a date. A date is a date. You all can say its just meeting a woman and having lunch,or just making a new friend, but its a date. Again, twist it however you want, its a date.

Second, AH made that agreement before he had all the info. That's correct. However, he knew that at the time. He knew he didn't have the time line, or the benefit of the polygraph, before he agreed to it. He still agreed to it.

One date, or 5, it violates the agreement.

Look, I think what his wife did is beyond deplorable. Ive posted in this thread several times, and not one time have I stuck up for his wife, nor have I suggested he attempt reconciliation. I am not suggesting he stick to this agreement because I feel she deserves that. I'm suggesting he stick to it because he seems to be a good man. And good men don't go back on their word because someone else behaved badly. Now, if he wants to tell her to take that agreement and shove it up her ass, and then go on this date you all are pushing him to go on, then thats different. And perfectly within his right to do so.

Maybe you all need to take a minute and just wait and see what HE wants to do. This isn't about what you want him to do.

I'm not going to any date before the separation period is over.

And, BTW, this is what he said about the date.

So maybe you all should respect that.

Well, now that the dating issue is cleared up

How are you doing AH? Is your wife still living with her parents? How are the kids taking things?

Did you finish the timeline discussion?

Is your wife still pushing the line that all her words of love for her polygamous partner, and the plan to leave you were lies, so you can forget them? Or has she finally owned up that she can’t have it both ways?

Are you getting better sleep? If not try ambien.

Any new revelations? Any new insight? Cya.

Thank you, HellFire!

Dating/having coffee-lunch with another woman is likely the last thing on AHGuy's mind. He's trying to get out of infidelity, not trying to "move on."

You guys gotta slow down with these polarizing comments lol and let the guy have some space a little. He knows what he wants. We should aim to support and not convince.

Anybody think about the fact that IF he dates/has sex with another woman while he's still married, he could potentially get FUCKED OVER?! All a lawyer/ the courts would care about is that he is a married man who had sex with somebody else. If his WW learns he's getting some elsewhere, she won't be so nice anymore.

I believe he is too wise to do something like that, even if he wanted to.

be careful of empty words and false justifications such as the

WS ended the marriage. all the WS did is they broke their

marriage vows.

unless divorce the is done the BS and the WS are still married.

when the BS dates after D day and they start dating others all

they have done is sunk down to the same level as their WS.

there is nothing honorable rutting in the gutter. all that is gained

is the BS loses the moral high ground.

always best to take the moral high ground, specially when you

have children and you must lead and teach by example.

79 % of people remain married after an affair.

recovery is very hard work for two to five years. dating and

or RA, revenge affairs only create more problems for

recovering and healing.

two wrongs never make a right.

agreeing to do the right thing and not date while things are

being processed is not trapping anyone for the rest of their

life but a sound plan for moving forward out of adultery.

and going for coffee with a woman is a date.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 7:38 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

Wow. I never expected the anti-dating people could get so rough about this.

It sounds like AH works and then goes home usually.

AH has had a marriage only with this woman. Do you guys not have friends? Male and female? Nobody is pressuring him to date. More like meet new people! That will be good for him as it is good for any human. See others lives and perspectives. See them against your boundaries. It helps you learn more about yourself. And he is in a time that learning about himself is a positive.

[This message edited by Elysian16 at 8:28 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

I'm sorry to say this because there are so many people who have dealt with infidelity myself included but honestly...

You are asking this man to take YOUR anonymous word for "it" in the forum but discouraging him from meeting up with a woman his beloved brother suggested as a good match. Like you anonymously have better knowledge than his own brother.

I don't discourage any of you and respect you all 100% but AH I'm going against the grain to say that lunch or coffee is not a "date" and you aren't "just going to return to the pain after".

Self confidence is a real thing and other people influence it. Even on a platonic level. Ah If you hate this idea then I am behind you 100%. But if anyone deserves a shot if self confidence it's you my friend.

I can stop commenting if you all choose, but this man has a real life. Real people are part of real life. Not just forum people.

[This message edited by Elysian16 at 8:39 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

Until you have finally decided whether to R or D, do not meet with other women. It is not fair on them, when you are still undecided/married.

If you want to go out and meet others, let your wife know. Whether she lived a double life does not mean you have too. And remember, you have your children watching your actions. Doing the best things for a short period may save you a lot of hassles in the long run.

his beloved brother suggested as a good match

His brother has been encouraging him,all along to find another woman. I believe he told him the best way to get over someone,is to find someone else. He's been encouraging him to find "a" woman. Then he decided this other woman would be a good woman to date. It certainly didn't sound like he was encouraging this particular woman all along.

His beloved brother hasn't been cheated on by his wife, that AH has mentioned, and does not understand that his wife will stop playing nice, and will possibly go after money. The business etc,if she feels she's lost her chance because he's found a younger woman.

Again..people. AH himself has said he is not going to date until after this separation. Why is this not being respected?? It seems a lot of word salad is being wasted on something this man has already told you all he is NOT going to do.

Unless I missed it, I never heard AH say that he was going to date. He didn't even say "Hey, my brother wants to set up a lunch meeting with a woman. What's your opinion on this?"

If he wants our opinion, he'll ask. I don't think that pages of responses are needed here.