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It sounds like she's somewhat resigned to her fate however it doesn't equal remorse. It could equally be regret that she now must endure the consequences of her actions. In any case, her words change none of her past actions and the fact that she had considered divorcing you and that she was planning on life with the other man. Her actions are what has caused this sh*tshow. No amount of words can or will ever change that. I wish the best for you.

I should have known better that " You shall not commit adultery. ' didn't come with any asterix.

I give her a pass on this and just think shes not expressing herself very well.

That said, I’m sure you, AH, could do with a lot less of the God talk right now from her. It feels like she’s laying it on pretty thick considering she and OM were screwing like bunnies and posing for nude photos etc five minutes ago.

I’m a devout Christian and I could do with most WS’s leaving aside a lot of the Jesusspeech until they demonstrate consistently through long term actions that they have genuinely changed.

That’s real metanoia as opposed to going thru the motions repentance.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:54 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

I agree with BR and Thumos, also, it's really way too soon to tell, again talk is cheap, actions are what really matter, let's see how she handles the D process and that should give you an indication of what's in her mind, the fact that she wants to keep the house, instead of putting your needs and your business first indicates things during the D process may not be as smooth as she now claims they will be.

Again this is your life and you decide, you can certainly D and see how you feel and her actions during and afterwards, her A lasted 2 years and could have gone on for much longer had she not been caught, so you can take some time after the D (maybe 2 years) to decide whether you want to date her again or not, that of course is if she at that point is still willing to throw her hat in the ring, you could date her again, take a FWB approach and even re-marry her if that's what you ultimately want, or NOT, by that time you will have more clarity and/or found someone else.

I think it's completely possible for a person to feel victimized while also understanding that they're the perpetrator. If I stub my toe, I can blame the object that was underfoot, the person who left it there, or my own stupidity for not looking where I was going. Any way I go though, my toe still hurts and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I don't see any indications of Machiavellian-level manipulation. What I'm seeing is typical of remorseful, but still learning, WS's.

All that said, I'm not advocating for your WW, AHGuy. I'm just pointing out that your options are still open. The BEST case scenario is that you choose what's going to make you the happiest in the long haul.. and that's not just best for you, it's best for all concerned. As I've said before, it doesn't matter how remorseful a WS is in the context of a D decision. A WS is never owed another chance. They understand the cost of cheating, but while they're cheating they just don't care. It's not until afterward that some snap out of it and realize everything they're losing, including the love of their BS.

She may be starting to "get it" that you don't plan to be a doormat who can be bullied into rugsweeping what she's done. An email does not show anything. You need to see years of action before you can think she really gets it. She may just be realizing you won't just give in because you're a nice guy who loves her.

I agree with others on her framing herself as a victim. Continue with your plan and let her PROVE what she says by giving you favorable terms and accept the consequences of her actions, which includes things like not getting to keep the house she wants.

She completely disregarded your feelings for TWO YEARS and ended your marriage without even letting you know. Of course she wants it back now that she's losing everything. It's easy for her to feel sorry for herself and type you an email. It's much harder for her to show her remorse with actions and to stop all the drama and let you heal, no matter what that means for her. Again, so far she hasn't done it.

She didn't confess. She was caught red handed and that is what made her suddenly want the marriage that she singe handedly destroyed with an atomic bomb and then knows because you're a good guy, she can get some sympathy from you. Big eye roll.

If I stub my toe, I can blame the object that was underfoot, the person who left it there, or my own stupidity for not looking where I was going. Any way I go though, my toe still hurts and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

How about if I stub your toe repeatedly for 2 years and then one day say I'm so sorry that your toe got in my way for the last 2 years. I won't stub it anymore because now my ankle hurts from continually stubbing that toe. What can you do to make my ankle feel better?

That is a much better analogy IMO.

How about if I stub your toe repeatedly for 2 years and then one day say I'm so sorry that your toe got in my way for the last 2 years. I won't stub it anymore because now my ankle hurts from continually stubbing that toe. What can you do to make my ankle feel better?

That is a much better analogy IMO.

Your opinion apparently doesn't allow for the possibility of real remorse. If you stub MY toe, you're the perpetrator... so what you're describing is the WW's relationship as a perpetrator to AHGuy, not her relationship with herself. If the WW is genuinely remorseful, she's examining her relationship with herself and what she's done.

The way I see it, you have 3 choices:

1- D

2- D then try to R

3- try to R.

For the last 2, I didn’t read anything that prevents R in that letter. But R takes years so nobody really knows.

Like CT said,pick what’s best for you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:22 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Given what has been posted by the OP, it is highly suspect that this WW has found remorse.

Let's remember that on July 8th this year she was confronted. Is it possible she has found remorse?

She did not confess, she was caught.

Regretful, playing the victim and trying to manipulate the outcome is what I see.

As I've stated before, AH, time is your ally. You start and stop D if you feel like you may want to R. You can D her and R in a year or two if you so feel like it then. I know one couple that wen thru a horrid D and remarried a couple f years later. last I knew they were happily in love seven years later. Needless to say, that's an outlier. But my point is you have chosen D for now and that seems to fit the situation at this time.

AHguy can tell his WW that he needs the divorce. Then willing

to try dating his WW to see where things go.

This WW has waken up. And now showing the possibility of

being able to do the recovery work.

A long marriage with kids is a lot to give up on.

Also what this WW did in her affair is normal WW behavior.

Getting it? Maybe. Waking up to the damage she caused? For sure. I think her eyes are looking over the battle field and she sees you, her children, and the marriage wounded to the point of death. She sees the gun in her hand and she is starting to realize that it is she that fired that gun, shot and severely wounded her husband and children, and murdered her marriage. This is what I see when I read the email.

I truly believe that she felt if she prayed enough, begged enough, ask for forgiveness enough, you would forgive her. And in her mind, that meant saving the marriage and giving her another chance. But now she is slowly waking up.

I killed my marriage, the thing that should have been the most important thing in my life, the thing that I should have cherished the most, In the most horrible way I betrayed you, the person that I promised to love and honor till death do us apart. I'm losing you after losing your trust and your love. I will carry that shame with me the rest of my life.

Listening to some of the wise WWs here on this sight, they consistently say that it took them 6 months to, in some cases, years to truly become remorseful. I do think your wife will get there. But she is not there right now. She still is in regret mode.

There was no excuse for my adultery, God never mentioned any exceptions when he forbade it, I should have known better that " You shall not commit adultery. ' didn't come with any asterix.

I think she has struggled here. I truly think that she believed that her affair was justified. And now, or very recently, she has come to the realization that all of her justifications for her affair were false and could not stand. Her defense is starting to crumble. So along with her relationship with you, her children, and her marriage, she now is facing the crumbling of her justification. But if she was truly remorseful, she would apologize for the disrespect, and admit that she participated in the APs disrespect of you. She would not say "It was not intended to be disrespect". She knows it was mean and disrespectful. When she is remorseful, she will apologize and address this with you. But it seems you get the "I'm sorry that it happened" and "I did not mean what I said" and "It was not meant that way".

If the WW is genuinely remorseful, she's examining her relationship with herself and what she's done.

If she’s not owning and examining what she actually perpetrated on her husband then her relationship with herself is practically useless navel gazing.

She did actual things to her husband and carried out actual actions against him, targeting him and his physical well-being in the real three dimensional world in real time and space. Her targeting of him in the heater episode is but one example as is repeatedly exposing him to possible physical harm from STD’s.

Adultery is physical and emotional abuse perpetrated on the betrayed and is akin to rape.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:53 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Also what this WW did in her affair is normal WW behavior.

I disagree - as most of us have attested on this thread, the heater episode is one of the most egregious things most of us have ever heard about. It is off the charts toxic.

And anyway we do no one any favors by normalizing any WW/WH behavior since it is all anti social aberrant behavior.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:48 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

I don't see any indications of Machiavellian-level manipulation.

We don’t need to see that in her email since she’s already demonstrated it thru two years of consistent actions that harmed her husband.

As for the email itself it pretty comes across as self pitying mixed with some words that seem like someone going thru the motions of maybe kinda sorta grasping at “getting it.” The words are pretty useless. The actions she takes after getting a D filed will speak much louder.

Kind of like taking BS to AP's baby shower and introducing you.

1. She was a bad partner and betrayed you shamelessly

2. Now she genuinely wishes she had handled herself alot better over the past 6 yrs

3. She would probably have written a very different note if om had asked her to marry him

4. Noone knows anything for sure

5. If you arent sure about the divorce stuff take your time with it , i personally would want to run right through to the finish line but people urging you to adopt a slow crawl are probably giving you wiser counsel

Ok, I will wish you well in the divorce. I totally understand it.

I will say, you know you still love her.

When you get divorced go out and try dating but don't commit to anyone right away because you will have some issues from this marriage.

Lastly, know you might end up with your wife again which wouldn't be a failure or sign of weakness or any of that. I have mentioned my friends, she cheated on him and then divorced him (pisses me off she pulled the pin). They started hooking up once she got her head on straight again and realized she missed him. He broke up with a girlfriend and really didn't want to keep dating women with ex issues when he could just have fun with his ex physically.

That was around 9 months ago and they see each other regularly but he says they both are tired of casual dating, especially in covid and were glad they can be with someone they can trust (both were hurt doing stupid dating stunts, she dated a guy who tried to get with her 20 year old daughter and he dated a girl who stole from him).

Maybe think if you can see her at the holidays as a start. Just saying you don't have to lock that door when you close it.

Good luck bro!

Yes, I think she finally gets it!

Interesting to see that "some" folks here are advising you to divorce while they are reconciling with their own wayward spouses, AHGuy take note of that!

Not every advice here is good for you, people here will forget about you in couple of months, but you will live with it for the rest of your life!

YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

GOLD

[This message edited by UnderCover at 7:12 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

She may be starting to "get it" that you don't plan to be a doormat who can be bullied into rugsweeping what she's done. An email does not show anything. You need to see years of action before you can think she really gets it. She may just be realizing you won't just give in because you're a nice guy who loves her.

I agree with others on her framing herself as a victim. Continue with your plan and let her PROVE what she says by giving you favorable terms and accept the consequences of her actions, which includes things like not getting to keep the house she wants.

She completely disregarded your feelings for TWO YEARS and ended your marriage without even letting you know. Of course she wants it back now that she's losing everything. It's easy for her to feel sorry for herself and type you an email. It's much harder for her to show her remorse with actions and to stop all the drama and let you heal, no matter what that means for her. Again, so far she hasn't done it.

She didn't confess. She was caught red handed and that is what made her suddenly want the marriage that she singe handedly destroyed with an atomic bomb and then knows because you're a good guy, she can get some sympathy from you. Big eye roll.

THIS.