SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stillbleeding7, I don't think anyone was offended, so no apology required. Like you, clarity is an aim in my own unique brand of ADD.

I was simply aiming to provide some as to the best of my understanding.

As to the correction between adultery and fornication, we have to remember that the English language is still a teenager as compared to Classical Greek.

Nuances in language is important, but it can be argued that fornication is actually a broader term than adultery and leaves a wider latitude as to what kind of sexual transgressions makes a divorce justifiable.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 4:28 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

Brother, hope the meal with the team went well.

You sound like you understand the conflict avoidance part of your relationship (sorry for being blunt). Keep up with the lawyer. Remember, you are paying top dollar for him to act for your best interest in all of this. If advised to wear a chicken suit, well what size?

When you are ready talk to the OMW and understand what she is telling you before speaking to your STBX about what she wants to raise.

I will say your STBX has stated what she is willing to give to see if R is possible. A lot here have suggested something similar.

But if your lawyer says it is not enforceable what does he recommend?

One day at a time

Buffer

Lot happened during the last 2 days to a point where I don’t even know what to start with. I want to thank all that supported me the last 3 weeks of hell on earth. I guess now I can probably move my thread to the Divorce section of this site, yes, Divorce paper are being prepared. I was advised to take a step back by almost everyone involved even my lawyer said I should take time for myself to reevaluate the situation. My brother my daughter and of course her family all think that I rushed to it. It was a very sad and dull atmosphere all day yesterday for everyone. Everyone here is thinking that I rushed to it and should have taken more time. My WW and I talked twice, first time was Wednesday, she addressed the misunderstanding with my son’s situation which it really was a misunderstanding caused by my immature son who BTW made it clear that he doesn’t want to do HVAC for living and that he never did which is fine for me except that all he wants to do is playing games. What a shame! Anyways, I talked to her about D options explaining how easier it would be to go for a No-Fault consensual which would allow us more flexibility to keep the house without a mandatory separation and would be a lot less expensive. She cried and insisted that she would not agree to any D and that she wanted a second chance and the same old talks. Long story short I told her exactly how I was feeling using words and expressions from what I read here which was basically the following:

1- I still loved her but can’t get to forgive what she did so it is hard for me to stay with her. I admitted that I had been frugal, not giving her all my time, not being a romantic partner, she wanted but I never cheated on her nor wanted to be with anyone but her.

2- She is still selfish, and all her demands and offerings are about her not for me to heal.

3- I can’t trust that she is suddenly in love with me and over her AP after 2 years of deep love between them, specially that they didn’t stop till they were busted. Add to that the fact that she expressed her dissatisfaction with me and our marriage prior to her affair.

4- The disrespect expressed in her messages during the A will need me to lose my memory completely to get over them.

I told her that they are so many options for me to file for D but I limited them to 2, a consensual which will be the less damaging and the quickest or At-Fault on the ground of adultery. And gave her till the end of the day to respond, at that time she went crazy begging and crying I felt like I was wasting time and ended up calling my lawyer Thursday morning and giving him the green light to proceed with the latter option. That caused a turmoil she lost it and she is till now in a really bad state. It was a sad moment I knew it would be bad just didn’t expect it to be this horrible. The news even though was expected has affected badly everyone that knows, my daughter in particular. They all told me to take more time and that I blew it all up prematurely not just the marriage but also my company.

I talked to her again this morning, she was obviously shaken she finally agreed to a consensual D it was in front of both of my daughter and her mom. In a way it was nice because luckily the filing takes time so it can still be changed but at the same time it was hard for me to hear it like if I wanted her to keep grinding on the no D plead. I called the lawyer’s office and left a message.

I blew it all up now. Maybe I rushed maybe I will regret it in the future but for now my attitude is “fuck everything” I just want a new start in life. I don't even have a clear plan to be honest, but I know I will survive. I have work to do today and I’m trying to focus on it and to not let the bad mood and the low morale affect me.

Thanks to everyone here that offer support and advice whether in this thread or by PMs , Thanks to my friend Brad who brought me here. I believe you guys made me see things differently.

AH, this is truly a huge and traumatic step you took.

I wish you and your family Godspeed through these harrowing times.

Were it only that this did not come to pass, but you now have your feet set upon a path you never wished to walk.

May you not stumble henceforth.

Chin up man.

When you’re done, you’re done. Why peel a Band-Aid off slowly?

You didn’t blow it up, she blew it up. She killed in the marriage.

All you are doing with the divorce is identifying the body and signing the death certificate.

AHGuy, please stop beating yourself up. I understand everyone involved in this situation is upset. That is pretty standard. You need to remember, YOU didn't create this situation. You have been trying your best to handle this shitstorm to the best of your ability. I think you have been pretty fair and reasonable.

Maybe I rushed maybe I will regret it in the future

Maybe, but I think you've done the best you could. You don't seem to be controlled by your emotions. All of the things you've mentioned seem fair.

my attitude is “fuck everything” I just want a new start in life.

I think you are on the right track. Keep focusing on the future.

Given all the circumstances, and while I think taking one's time is important, I think you're fine here. The D process can be abated or stayed at any time if things change. A lot of people file but never end up going thru with it.

But like you say, just move forward. It'll be better for the both of you.

AH,

Just wanted to say congratulations on getting yourself out of infidelity. That pin brick of light at the end of that tunnel has just shown up, wishing you everything.....

Curious though, how much of points 3 & 4 have you really sat down and grilled into the conscious of your STBXW, her family, your family, etc. How deep of a conversation have you had with them about those points and what it did/does to you.

I only say this because the push back is enormous.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 10:16 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

AH keep pressing forward.

The minute your wife stepped outside of your marriage this became about YOU, and what YOU need in order to heal.

Who cares what your wife wants.

One thing that has helped me in the aftermath of making my decision to get divorced, was rereading my journals, especially the list I made about why I was angry and what specifically my WW did. That really brought clarity to my thinking as I found myself softening as time went on.

Despite my shifting emotions, my STBXWW was still the same person that she always was. Her blame shifting was the same, her inability to grow was the same. Had I relented, I would be right back where I started, stuck in an endless cycle of despair. I don't regret my decision, but I often mourn for my loss. Then I read my journal.

AHGuy,

I came here to say this exact thing ramius told you...

You didn’t blow it up, she blew it up. She killed in the marriage.

She dropped a nuke on your marriage. She is 100% responsible for 'blowing up your marriage' - NOT YOU!!!

And I know your daughter is upset her family is being split apart. But kids are stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for. She actually needs to reserve her questioning from her mom. And, though is does not seem so, she will be far better off with the D than living in a household full of mistrust, continual arguments and emotional chaos.

Hang in there man. Sending you hugs and strength. You WILL survive this. And I admire your courage and will. And do not forget to care for yourself as much as possible.

Is she totally aware of why you are splitting up (age appropriate of course)???

IF she "will do anything" tell her that you are getting a divorce there is a slim chance that if she truly changes (and not filling in a list of things that you want her to do) but from her heart that you might consider dating her in a couple years. But you will be rebuilding your life during that time.

She will probably agree then in a couple months get bored with it and find another married dude to fuck.

I admire your strength. YOU didn't blow up everything, she did. If anyone has a problem with how things have transpired, they need to place blame where it belongs. Divorce is a completely reasonable consequence to infidelity. You do you.

Not only she hurt you beyond measure with her A, she doesn’t have the decency to just accept the consequences and give you the peace you want.

Her refusal, drama and crying just hurt you more, as if you needed that.

Next time you talk to her, why not point out that her A was very selfish and hurtful, why can’t she stop thinking of herself, what she wants, and instead, help you heal ?

She did this to you, it’s her doing. Can’t she, at least, stop thinking about herself do the right thing and help you recover, even if it’s not what she wants?

They all told me to take more time and that I blew it all up prematurely not just the marriage but also my company.

They all told you to take more time because they are still playing catchup with facts you already have and have had for quite some time now.

You're not moving with haste. You're not rushing things. And I don't believe you will regret it. It isn't going to be fun, it will hurt, and there will be plenty of days when you hurt because your family isn't the way you'd hoped it would be. Divorce isn't a panacea or a cure all. It won't make all of your problems go away. But it will get you out of infidelity and out of limbo with her.

Look, she crossed a very definitive Rubicon. She knew the risks. She knew what she was doing and why. She did because she was selfish and she wanted to. The die is cast, as Julius Caesar said. "Alea iacta est " Caesar knew there was no going back. She knew it too.

She spent two years blowing up your marriage. At any time during those two years she could have put a stop to it, come to you voluntarily and in a spirit of humility and remorse asked to work things out.

She didn't do any of those things. Instead she plowed ahead, expressed contempt for you, and planned to leave you. She was perfectly willing and able to cast you aside without a thought and now she's scrambling around to patch things up?

So it's your responsibility to fix things? Nope. It isn't. Not your problem.

I don't know what she wants a second chance over when she's not even willing to be remorseful and actually take on real accountability for her actions. "Reconciliation" becomes just painful limbo with a person like that.

One more time because it bears repeating: she arranged on purpose (not on accident) for you to fix a heater so she could then immediately summon her lover behind your back for illicit sex and then they both joked about it at your expense. She planned to and wanted to leave you as soon as she could.

The marriage was already blowed up real good by the time you found out, so the next time someone says you "blew it up" just say "no she already did that and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and move on now."

As others have said, there's little value in peeling a band aid off slowly -- in fact the better analogy is peeling a dried bandage off a suppurating gaping life-threatening wound. You don't peel a band aid off that. You apply emergency triage.

Your children are old enough to understand exactly why you're doing what you're doing. Next time this comes up with your daughter or son, say "I hope this never happens to you. But when it does, I will have your back, and that's what I want from you now. I want your support. I'm not moving forward without thinking this through. Given the facts in front of me, this is the best course of action for my mental and physical health."

I admitted that I had been frugal, not giving her all my time, not being a romantic partner, she wanted but I never cheated on her nor wanted to be with anyone but her.

I think this is unnecessary self-flagellation, AH.

Being frugal is a virtue.

"Not being a romantic partner" - you mean, like the fake fantasy of Mr. Millionaire? That makes her shallow, not you.

"Not giving her all my time" - which is impossible in a long-term marriage when you're raising kids and building a business.

AHGuy,

I've been watching your thread for the past few weeks now, and you need to stop beating yourself up.

You aren't the one throwing everything away, your wife is the one who dropped a nuke on your marriage, and broke any semblance of trust you once had. You obviously think divorce is necessary and that you wouldn't be able to reconcile given the disrespect shown during your wife's long term affair.

Her affair wasn't just about sex, it's clear she "loved" her AP, and frequently disrespected you during her affair. That would be a difficult hurdle to overcome for most people on this sub, let alone yourself.

It's also worth noting that divorce doesn't necessarily have to be the end. If some small part of you wishes you could stay and attempt to work things out, you can still do so once the divorce is final. To be clear I'm not advocating for this, it's just something to consider if your still on the fence but need to divorce in order to move on with your life.

As to your son I agree with the rest, he's old enough to move on and find other work. I hope your insistence on divorce and drawing up the papers this soon does not alienate you from friends and family. I hope your daughter is able to see that your still the victim here, despite seeing her mothers complete breakdown.

Sometimes BS need to act right off the bat, instead of contemplating things for weeks and months. Making a concrete decision can be somewhat cathartic, since you'd finally have a path forward outside this mess.

Sorry mate, I think you've done the right thing though.

Might be an idea to let the other B/S know.

It's a long process so there's still much to work on.

Good luck.

You will not regret this.

You did not blow up anything. She blew up the marriage at least two years ago and had every intention of leaving you. None of this is your fault.

Next time someone says you are blowing everything up tell them no, she blew everything up and now I'm left picking up the rubble.

This is not your fault! Your wife is trying to save herself at your expense. It is not your responsibility to save her. She can choose to save herself or not but you can and should move on and do what's best for you.

She is still so self absorbed and selfish that she is willing to hurt you MORE with her drama and crying and allowing her family to guilt you. She could stop that. She could choose to accept consequences like a grown up. She could tell your daughter and her family to place the blame where it belongs - on her. But she isn't because that would be uncomfortable for HER and she would rather make you uncomfortable. It really says a lot.

She is willing to allow you to hurt more instead of giving you what you ask!!!!!! Getting away from her is the right choice for healing.

She is not trying to do what's best for you. Others just won't get it. Until it happens to you,it's impossible to understand the depths of hurt caused by infidelity.

Tell your daughter that all you want is her support while you do what's best for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Keep moving forward.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 11:50 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

I blew it all up now.

Nope.

Your marriage was blown up years ago, your wife just didn't have the respect and consideration to inform you.

Many people have a differing opinion, but my feeling is when a spouse cheats, particularly going to the extent of physically consummating a relationship outside of their marriage - they divorced the betrayed spouse.

They just did it in secret. And if you look at the texts she sent, the plans she made etc. I think that is obvious.

Once you found out, she just wanted to change her mind - or at least to convince you she changed her mind while she figured out her next step.

The difference is that you are respecting her and divorcing her legally, publicly, and officially.

Your conflicting emotions, wanting her to keep pleading for the marriage etc. All of that is normal. Your head is all fucked up. Because of what she did.

***

Brother, I want you to stop taking ownership of her behavior. She has known who you are for many many years. None of it excuses her cheating and disrespecting your so horribly.

Advice: If it is even minutely possible that you want to reconcile with her by stopping the divorce or after the divorce, I strongly suggest you collect all the information you want to know - prior incidents, more details etc. Make her do the polygraph to verify it!

Because reconciling with lies is just rugsweeping, and it will eat at you.

Perhaps when you know more (You'll never know everything) you won't even consider reconciling because you'll know the extent to which she disregarded the sanctity of your union and your family and frankly the contempt she has held for you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:29 PM, August 21st (Friday)]