SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm glad that most of you think I was right to be offended by the heater incident. I was afraid that I was exaggerating by thinking this was the worst of all of it.

From the way you described the OM and the way he talked about you, I think the odds are pretty good that there were other situations besides the heater where they literally laughed at your expense.

As painful as reading a detailed timeline (subject to polygraph) is, it may ultimately give you relatively more peace with whatever you decide.

Ah, you are not weak. Infidelity can bring everyone to their knees. All of those on this board came here for support, does that make us all weak? Maybe.

More likely its because we find ourselves in infidelity and have zero experience dealing with it. Whether it be Thumos or Anoldlion, everyone found themselves here b/c we are dealing with something that really rocked us to our core, and we needed advice and support.

Take some time, even if its away from SI to get your thoughts together. The advice here is sound. Collectively, the people here know about infidelity, but the outcome is determined by you. You may need more time to decide and thats okay. Take care of yourself, tomorrow will be a new day.

On your son, he is dealing with this now too. Its not your fault that the fallout from infidelity now involves your kids. That lies squarely on your wife shoulder. Remember that. She was the one who cheated. If your son gets upset at you, he just doesn't get it. He is acting out b/c he doesn't want his life changed, but its not on you, its on your WW. Remember that.

She is manipulating you and your son. I'm so sorry. You should go ahead and file. There is no reason to torture yourself this way. File and let her show that she will do anything by doing what's best for you and doing the work on herself anyway.

If she flips out or doesn't do the work, it will only confirm you made the right decision. SHE IS NOT OWED RECONCILIATION!

AHG also remember that there is no such thing as ‘worst case of infidelity’. It is what it is, the feelings are the same for BS whether it’s an ons or a long term affair. The whole thing is about getting you out of infidelity with or without her.

She needs an IC to really understand what she has done. It’s hard for people who are built that way to fully understand the impact of their actions. She knows she has blown up her family for sure but she is still her old self trying to make a sale which is manipulating the situation to her advantage.

Do seek legal advice, explain to your children how you feel. What we have seen from your posts is a strong honest man who will get through any adversity. Sending you strength.

I so remember crying at the keyboard. It was uncontrollable and unstoppable. At the time, I felt like a total dink. Men don’t cry, right? Wrong. It’s normal and can be therapeutic. It was for me.

But like Thumos said, you have got to find a way out of that house. Or she must. As you already know from your trip, getting physically away from the source of pain is necessary in order to heal. Pain can actually inhibit healing. You get no points in heaven by not relieving pain, physical or mental.

So please. Take this into consideration.

If your wife had any real empathy, she would see all this.

People feel quite passionately about these things but you should know if you come back tomorrow and its in your heart to seek R ....we can all turn on a dime and start supporting that too , Noone here gets paid for being an oracle . We are just the peanut gallery .

I read another poster here was heckled aggressively by someone whose advice he didnt take . Shit i hope i never turn into that person ( heckler ) . Please minus a few emotion points from my earlier posts .

Hey AH. The journey you are on is messy and painful and oh so not linear. Be kind to yourself above all else. You don't need to be perfect, or even get it right, you just need to do your best. I'm about to hit the year 3 or 4 mark, depending on how I count d days. One thing I have had to learn is to forgive myself.

You see, no one prepped me for a challenge like this. Not only was I ill equipped to deal with it, I could not have imagined it happening to me. There is no infidelity survival training camp for us to attend before we get married.

You have been thrust into a situation out of your control. On top of that, you strike me as the type of man who is accustomed to being the rock to which others cling. You probably feel responsible for the well being of others, from you kids to your employees, and even your WW, ironically.

Once your kids are grown, they are not your responsibility anymore. We raise them to be men and women, not really old children. Your WW absolved you of your husbanfly role the minute she cheated. Dont carry the burden of the world on your shoulders. It is too much.

It is okay to be weak and unable to do everything you want to the degree you feel you should. Give yourself some grace. You deserve it, and sure as hell have earned it.

If it is any consolation, even after 3 years, I still feel a sense of loss, but an even greater sense of peace. I hope you find yours...

Brother,

First off, you are not weak, your life is in a tumble dryer and you don’t know which way is up. Please let cool heads prevail.

She manipulated your son and deployed him against you in order to get a reaction -- and she got one

Chinese whispers my friend. You said one thing, your son heard multiple options and when he spoke with his mum she heard the worst case scenario.

Yep in with anger out with love, deep breath. Refocus.

Talk to Son, tell him he has to look for another job. This is a good life lesson for him, words and actions have consequences. Could you use him now and then as a sub contractor?

STBX well she is looking out for her baby, Might be 21 soon but always her baby. The children are angered at her actions and words. She is trying her best to protect them. I don’t feel she is trying to manipulate them over you or visa versa.

No need for approval for nuclear ☢️ release just yet. Talk

It will hurt, but give her a hug. Just a few seconds, that is all.

One day at a time

Buffer

You are going to have days like these. She is trying to save her family and her marriage. She can jam you and has not. Outside of blaming you she is actually doing everything right.

AHg

You are not weak! You are in an huge storm that can crush a person. The fact that you are still standing shows how strong you are. Your wife is wrong! She is the one that visited this on your children, not you. This is part of the fallout of her actions. You were trying to give your son a little heads up and he is as you say spoiled. He either wittingly or unwittingly is being an agent for your wife. If she wanted to be the mama bear then why didn't she thinks of her children when she was giving her self to the POSOM? What she thinks is that she still has a chance to control you. If she doesn't want to harm her son then she should let you have the house to conduct your business from. You say you are weak NO YOU'RE NOT!!! I too was faced with do I stay, do I go? Well I stayed and yes I've had a lot of regrets. I love my wife and it hasn't been all bad, but I have been saying the faster way to healing is not under the torture of you wife's continued control. My fiance and I were in love,or so I thought. We were waiting till our wedding night to make love for the first time or so I thought. Well we had a beautiful wedding and then the first night we were on our honeymoon and she tells me she isn't feeling well "yeast infection" that lasted the hole honeymoon. Well we get home and after two weeks we finally consummated our marriage. Then at six weeks was D-Day. She had a 13 month A that left her with genital herpes and now she's my wife. I talked to my pastor, associate pastor and two other men that I had great respect for. I talked to my dad and he was supportive of what ever I wanted to do. The others said that I didn't have to stay but give it time and see what God does to work it all out. Well I stayed. I still test clear of herpes but man I have had a sad sex life. When I talked about the pain of loosing the gift of " one and only" I know what you feel. Most people don't get it. The guy went on to get some other poor girl pregnant so I'm plan B. My wife says I'm not but well I struggle with that. Why tell you my story? Do what you want. I'm in now more than 31 years and I'm looking at the rest of my life and saying if only I was as strong as you. Stay strong you not weak!

Friend, you're not weak.

It's times like this where I realize that I'm lucky that my stbxw has finally shown her true colors and run off with another man.

She pulled the same shit with me on ddays 1-3 and sucked me back in, only to keep me in the fog and decieve me further for 3.5 years.

But your wife is not my stbxw. She may be someone who can change. But you have to make sure that she is really ready to do the work and put in the time, put up with your anger, put up with pulling her weight.

She's not there yet, I think you know this.

Proceed with divorce. If she's really the person who can do it, then she will put in the work and show herself to be the good wife she should have always been this whole time.

Don't put the brakes on getting yourself out of the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I wish I wouldn't have.

Outside of blaming you she is actually doing everything right.

But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

She's given him a soft ultimatum on the house, she's blameshifting, she already tried to manipulate her daughter, she has yet to take an STD panel that we know of (and it's a good bet OM is a cesspool of STD's given his proclivity for multiple skanks on the side), she has yet to write down a detailed timeline accounting for the affair, has yet to agree to a polygraph, has yet to read books like Linda McDonald's --- and she's done a bare minimum in the context of a 2-year affair and was writing an epic blameshifting email the same day she was seeking "closure" with the OM. She wouldn't give him a moment's peace when he left for a few days and she deployed the church community to try to pressure him. She's not doing everything right. She's doing everything a self-absorbed cheater does to try to control to control her plan B loyal faithful husband that she schemed to leave after her plan A Mr. Millionaire fantasy fell apart.

Here's the thing. I can see both sides to this also. I see her reading books and trying to do and say anything and everything to get you to reconcile. The cynical side of me picks that apart... I start to wonder how much of it is to retain her soiled image.

I found out 10 days ago that my my devout christian, God loving, Church going, morally conservative, and adultery hating wife and the mother of my children is having an affair with one of her client. Never thought she would do it

- God has forgiven her and the church has... just just needs you to do it (the kids will follow you lead) and she will be "pure" again.

- I feel like she is reading (Affair books) but only doing the things that she thinks might convince you to save the marriage. Not doing anything that might disrupt things. Doing things to convince you that it nothing is going on now... but not anything to look at her affair.

- Timeline

- STD

- offer Poly

She seems both selfish and manipulative in the way she is trying to get you to consider R. Involving kids, Church intervention, Constant calls and texts, blame-shifting the OBS. Also, wanting the decision to R immediately --- it's a two year physical affair and you've had a little over a month to process it.

- For your part I think that having an affair has always been a dealbreaker for you. (Your daughter and Wife have stated this too) -- But you don't like change.... So, it's not something you can do or process immediately.

Your torn between not ever being able to forgive her, trust her, see her the same way. And changing your whole life, future and past. You also don't like to talk about the Affair because it gives your WW hope? Or makes it harder for you to move on? Or ...?

Anyway, even though you've stated several times that you are headed toward divorce you keep ending up in limbo because your WW will not accept it and it's pulling at your heartstrings.

I would suggest writing out a letter explaining to your WW that you are having trouble with the idea of R because of the amount of lies. That you would like the truth to the following - Timeline of the affair, other Affairs (last 6 years emotional and physical) and you can suggest a poloy. I'd let her know that this doesn't mean that you want to reconciliation it would only be giving you an idea of what she is asking you to forgive. --- if it were me I'd add in something religious... about following Jesus by being open with everything.

You've always been very good at the 180 but I think the lack of information on what you are being asked to forgive is causing you to stay in limbo. Not knowing if you have the whole story.

Just my two cents.

Reconciliation is a process, she cannot put a timescale on it “I.e do it for a year” because you may try and find that your feelings simply won’t let you or that actually you become horrible to her and don’t like that person. She is viewing it as a sale to get over the line and it’s a done deal.

I wrote it elsewhere but one thing I advise is to try and move out, or have her move out if you can. It clears your head from the worry of having to see her everyday as a constant reminder of what she has done and seeing what she is doing and wondering what she’s up to. That is all emotionally draining. It also helps to see that you can manage on your own and that this is what life looks like without her. It’s effective as a D-Day for her as well.

Then if you want to reconcile you are starting from scratch and you know that you are reconciling because you love each other and not because she’s trying to keep the house, or keep up appearances. It’s a total marriage rebuild, rather than a patch-up renovation.

AHGuy,

Imagine an internet support group for people who broke a leg....

“Avoid starcases at all cost!”, says an 80 year old man.

“WTF dude? Staircases? LOL. Just pay attention when rock climbing”, says the 20 year old man.

People here have infidelity in common, but have different life experiences. Some posters are posting, at the bottom of the staircase while waiting for the ambulance. Others are posting and can barely remember what rock climbing feels like and how they broke their leg.

Some posters think your WW is not redeemable. Some think she is.

NONE of the posters have all the information. We don’t know everything that was said, only a small part. We don’t see face expressions, hear tone of voice etc.... We only know 5% of it.

Take the opinions here, pick what you think applies to your situation.

I think what happened is that your son told your WW part of what you told him. Your WW is still in the “woe is me” mentality, she heard only what she wanted to hear (“everyone thinks I’m a bad person ) and made the situation worst. And maybe your son doesn’t want to be tangled in all this. So I agree with buffer in essence.

It’s ok to ignore what I think happened. I wasn’t there, I might be wrong. Just read the opinions and take what you think fits best with your situation.

You were a good husband and good father. That shows that you have good jugement. Trust yourself.

AH, don't jump the gun on shutting down your business. I'm not going to tell you that it's not necessary, I don't know if you've done your due diligence on looking for alternative properties or not but I'm going to assume you know what you're talking about when you say it's unsustainable without your current property. But you need to talk to your lawyer before you start liquidating marital assets, and the business is a marital asset. You might find yourself in a world of financial pain if you shut it down and her lawyer get's it's pre-troubles value in on your side of the balance sheet. Just like her quitting her job will likely lead to the court imputing her income based off her previous income.

Talk to your son, tell him that you would love for him to continue to work for you and to one day take over the business. Assure him that Mom isn’t going to go after your business in the instance of a D. Also, as long as your son is an employee and heir apparent to the business, your WW is less likely to go after your business in the case of a D.

There's always the possibility that WW could end up with the business in the divorce with youngest son managing it for her. That might even be something for AH to offer, let her have the house and the business, he takes everything else (investments, rental property, whatever) and if that's not enough carries a mortgage on the business and the house. Sell the rental, take the money and move to Florida. I bet there's jobs for A/C techs in Florida.

Probably not a good idea to tote a note on the business, unlikely your good employees will stay working for your son and wife.

I hope you read other comments, but it doesn’t surprise me that you don’t. I’m not offended. I haven’t offered much more than support and clarification precisely because people like Thumos are here already. I respect him, and agree with about 90% of what he says. So I’ll just chime in on this:

KingofNothing, believe me I read every comments at least once, some I read and reread multiple times. maybe I have emphasized on some comments more than others but I didn't ignore any of them. Sorry if I'm not responding to each and every one of you here but believe me I value and appreciate all your support.

I want to explain to all of you some of my feelings that I might have misrepresented, excuse my bad writing it is not my forte, I prefer talking so let me try.

When I said that I was weak, I meant I'm an unable to solve my problem with a clear logic, instead I'm ,like my dad said, sticking my head in the sand. and he is right. When I learned about her cheating I was shocked and broken but my first reaction was blaming myself for being so blind, which I'm still doing, how didn't I see it? looking back, the writings on the wall were as a clear as they could be yet I was too arrogant to suspect anything was wrong or maybe I just rather not face the issue. After that I cowardly let My daughter handle the confrontations while I resorted to 180. I read here that 180 and exposing the A are highly recommended, I did both the first day before discovering this site not because I knew any better no, just because I'm good at avoiding problems or should I say I'm bad at facing them. I listen to all advice not just here but my brother, friends and parents they all make sense to me. I'm pretty sure if I only listen to the church folks before finding you guys I would have forgiven her already. I can not make my own opinion for whatever reason. I want divorce because it is the easiest way out and even D I wanted it as quick as possible. Do I have any idea how I will be feeling after D? hell no. but I wish there was a button I can just push then I'll instantly be in 2022. so I really think I'm sticking my head in the sand or a better description would be that I'm just closing my eyes and marching forward toward the closest door not really knowing what I would be stepping on.

speaking about marching forward. I'm taking all my coworkers to dinner tonight to let them know that there is a big chance that by the end of September there will be no "AHUGuy HVAC" very sad to do that but but I have to. Some here asked if this was necessary, the answer is no but considering what I want to do, this was the advice of my attorney. Sorry I can give all the details here but I'm not doing anything without my lawyer approval, I'm paying him top dollar for his services.

I will implement a lot of changes in my life. there will be a new me, ironically that was the thing my wife had complained about the most in the past. I guess it took a hurricane like that for me to consider a change.

My son is spoiled, I agree with you, I haven't talked to him since the confrontation, maybe it is good for him too, at his age I was already a married man and a father working hourly and starving for any chance of overtime work and side jobs while his mom was a mother a full time student and worked 3 nights as a waitress. I'm done babysitting an adult man who only cares about his video games.

My wife wants to talk again and OBS had reached out too I'm just not there yet to talk to any of them I'm still pissed from yesterday.

AH, there are no rules for this.

People here can offer you experience, scenarios and guidelines, but you have to walk your path, none of us can walk it for you, neither can your father, daughter, son or other family.

We only have partial information, you have the full picture.

Just know this, I am a ex-military, (South-African Border). I'd rather face active border duty again, such hell as it was, than what you are going through.

Follow legal advice and follow your head. Your heart may be an enemy at the moment and that duality inside of you is making you question your reality.

The what if's both future and past are mind killers.

I wish you strength and clarity on your path forward.

You can't change yesterday so save your strength and focus on today.

Don't beat yourself up. What you call being passive is IMO a normal reaction called being in denial and/or hoping there's a miracle to turn back the clock. Google: PTSD

It's part of an automatic human response that nature gave us to help protect us from major trauma (both physical and mental trauma).

Your reactions are magnified by you being a white knight and a caretaker of others. Unfortunately, you are the victim here - you're basically laying in the ditch with a broken back and can't help anyone (Nor should anyone expect you to).

Notifying your employees about the possibility of loosing their job is admirable.

However, be prepared for them to jump ship immediately.

Perhaps it would help keep them working if you promise to give them a daily update on the probability of you going out of business. For example, tonight it starts at 50% or whatever you think the likelihood is.