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Just Found Out :
is this real?

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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:20 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

Listen calls from jail are VERY EXPENSIVE and a woman desperate to hear from her AP won't even care if she racks up hundreds and maybe thousands of dollars just to get her fix from POSOM, not to mention attorneys fees that he will have to pay to defend his case, if he doesn't even have the money to make phone calls and your WW has to pay for those, who do you think will also help pay for his defense attorneys ? that's right your WW using family money/assets and/or accumulating credit card debt that you are equally responsible for.

Contact a D attorney immediately and file, go for full custody since you don't want your children associated with a "potentially" violent criminal facing life in prison. You need to file fast, EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends and don't look back, just on her way of thinking alone I wouldn't take her back.

posts: 2600   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8568733
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

Thanks guys....

I just have to play my cards like a boss. Avoid fighting. Shes been calling a registered sex offender in jail. It wont look good for her if we go to a divorce court as far aa custody of my children goes.....

She is now playing the pity party. Telling me how much she loves me, how she wakes up sick to her stomach and sad everyday because im not there holding her...how she just wants her family back the way it was.

I told her..i dont trust you. I dont think i will ever truly get over your infidelity and when i see your face i get upset almost immediately.... hard to be married to someone under these circumstances...

In the meantime...ive been doing something i probly shouldnt. But its been helping me cope... talking to a girl that i have known since i was a child. A family friends daughter. We kind if really hit it off for some reason or another. Always liked her but didnt think she felt the same. She does. So weve been chatting. No meeting. I cant being myself to do that just yet. Worst of all my mother is kind of pushing it....

Ww does not know. Makes me feel like the cheater now...the girl knows my sitsuation and says she understands everything....

[This message edited by subverted at 5:11 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8569355
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 12:34 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Please don't get this girl tangled up in your mess right now...and you certainly don't need this when you're trying to D the person to whom you are still married. Gently...stop running and get this D process going TODAY.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8863   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8569520
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:34 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Have you filed for D yet or at least contacted an attorney to start the process ?, if not, why not? again time is of the essence to protect yourself financially.

OTOH I suggest you slow it down with the other girl and at least wait until after you have filed for D and preferably after you and your WW live separate, another reason to file right away.

posts: 2600   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8569521
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Kaliber ( member #74046) posted at 1:29 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

In the meantime...ive been doing something i probly shouldnt. But its been helping me cope... talking to a girl that i have known since i was a child. A family friends daughter. We kind if really hit it off for some reason or another. Always liked her but didnt think she felt the same. She does. So weve been chatting. No meeting. I cant being myself to do that just yet. Worst of all my mother is kind of pushing it....

Ww does not know. Makes me feel like the cheater now...the girl knows my sitsuation and says she understands everything....

Get your divorce process started, and separate first, don't make that mistake that your soon to be EX did, you will regret it later!

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8569529
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 2:34 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I agree with you guys about the D and the new women. I will NOT make the same mistake WW did. My vows did actually mean something. Other women is clear on this too.

I just want to be myself and make myself whole again. I feel hollow after putting so much into a marriage to be betrayed like this.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8569566
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Subverted I spent time in the can when I was young. Here is what I would do if I were you:

Call the prison where this guy is being held. He should have a case manger there. If this guy is a sex offender, he should not be having any contact with women with kids. Talk to his case manager and tell him your concerns. If he is in prison for sex crimes against kids, the case manager needs to know this.

Fuck with the guy's life the way he's fucking with yours. Make it difficult for him.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8569685
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 7:12 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

The state where you live should also have a sex offender registry, and that registry will tell you what the status of his incarceration is and what he was sentenced for.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8569687
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Great advice, Westway!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8863   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8570208
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

The state where you live should also have a sex offender registry, and that registry will tell you what the status of his incarceration is and what he was sentenced for.

Excellent advice, Westway.

I actually found a previous work colleague on the Megan's List in Kentucky totally by accident. Turned out he was attempting to "pedal" underage girls a few years back and had done time. Talk about a termination decision that had to be handled delicately.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8570280
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 7:18 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

Sorry to hear about the developments subverted. I do think however, as I said before, you need to get yourself free from your betrayer and start a new life without her. Your WW wouldn't be as emotionally connected to the other man if she hadn't already had sex with him. An EA is not as strong as a PA. She's spread her legs for him more than once and she apparently liked it a lot.

I have a now successful friend who's ex cheated on him in the same way you describe your WW. She was having sex with the other man and wouldn't let him go even though he was a deadbeat, drug user, thief, cheating on her while cheating with her, and in and out of jail. She liked the size of his junk so much she gave up kids and everything including her job because she kept calling in sick to keep an eye on him. A month after the divorce he went back to jail for a long stint and she in her mid 30's, no job, and no life, went back to live with her parents two states away. My friend's new success began within a year after the divorce. He's extremely happy and has very-nice new woman.

You can't save a woman like your WW. They're seriously screwed up in the head and their betraying habits will always be there ready to begin again. Get yourself free while you have the momentum. Save your future self from a life of recurring hell. You have a great future ahead of you. Open the life-saving gift you've been handed and run with it. I wish the best for you.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8571093
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

Subverted,

Do you have any idea how much fucking physical danger this nut case you are living with is putting you and your kids in.

I don't give a rats ass what he is in prison for, once the predators find out he has access through your wife to cash they are going to start demanding more cash from your idiot wife, and could very well show up though one of their cronies on the outside at your house threatening you and your family. And if this dickhead OM is actually in there as a sex offender he is for sure going to be threatened and extorted as well as beat to a pulp.

And your fucking wife is the outside contact point.

For your own protection its time for you to wake up and do something to protect yourself and stop trying to analyze your wife.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 502   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8571106
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:42 PM on Friday, August 7th, 2020

I strongly suggest you get legal advice.

From your posts you talk a lot about divorce, but I’m not clear if it’s just smoke or if you have really done anything about it.

I see you and your wife have discussed D and how it could be 50/50 or more or less or who get’s what and so on but frankly – without legal guidance it’s about as valid as if you two were to discuss an upcoming open-heart surgery.

Infidelity is all about fantasy. The route out of infidelity is always through reality. Be it if you divorce or not. Getting a clearer picture on what to expect helps you in so many ways.

Like right now I personally think YOU are in fantasy when you think her phoning a registered sex offender will have any major say on custody.

At least – I think it’s not a good idea to base your children’s future and possible safety on what you THINK. I would much more want to base it on what a professional in that area (i.e. a divorce attorney experienced in custody) says. It could boil down to some minor factor like you having better evidence of their relationship, or it might boil down to you having some enforceable clause regarding who can be around your kids and at what time.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10741   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8571368
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:57 PM on Friday, August 7th, 2020

Telling me how much she loves me, how she wakes up sick to her stomach and sad everyday because im not there holding her...

Are you sure you're not addicted to that? That it is not working on you? It's a pretty big ego stroke to have someone cry and say they want you.

Ask yourself why you haven't you filed for D yet or seen a lawyer.

She's had 15 years to figure you out and know what buttons to push, and she sounds like a master manipulator.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2840   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8571404
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 3:39 PM on Friday, August 7th, 2020

and could very well show up though one of their cronies on the outside at your house threatening you and your family.

This is what will happen. I know this from experience with a family member. Someone will show up saying that the guy owes them money and your WW is supposed to pay to keep him safe. It is an extortion plot and it goes on all the time. His safety inside will depend upon her paying them on the outside. In the case that I knew about the person on the inside was in on it and getting some of the money as well. Also he will also start asking her to deposit money into his account if he hasn't already. He is going to bleed you dry with phone calls and extortion like this. Have you made any move to separate your finances?

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8571425
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reborn07 ( new member #71226) posted at 9:37 AM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

subverted, sorry your train stopped in shittown too. i’ve kinda been keeping up with you but i haven’t made time to say everything i wanted so i just wanna throw some things out there... lived in a similar situation, and i don’t wanna tell you what to do. just some things i did that worked to my advantage.

1. the car was in my name; i put a tracker on it. i also bugged it with a voice activated recorder. ($150/ thanks amazon) didn’t say anything until i had all the proof i needed. then i bugged myself and reeled her into conversations about recorded conversations. documented the times and lies.

2. held all the proof over her head (for courtroom leverage) it’s easier to get somebody to bend for what you want when they feel like they’re beaten, plus most people don’t wanna look like cheating dirt bags in a courtroom.

3. when this ball started rolling, i had to live as if i was being recorded; just part of the game.

3. kept my nose clean (as to leave her no way to legally retaliate)

4. no more playing into her bedroom advances (so that no attempt at reconciliation could be assumed)

5. act fast.... i had to strike while the iron is hot to move the legal process while she was off balance with no time to strategize.

i’m sorry you’re in this situation friend. understand you’re treading in dangerous water now. this is about your sanity, your children’s safety, and y’all’s financial security. if you let her have control of it you’ll all be left with nothing to fall back on because this woman is not together and she will continue to make poor choices that you and the kids will get the bill for. and by the way, it was two and a half years ago and there’s plenty of sunshine on this side of that situation. make good choices, be well, and be safe. i’m keeping an eye out for ya in the thread ✌🏻

[This message edited by reborn07 at 3:41 AM, August 8th (Saturday)]

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8571741
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 6:08 PM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

Thank you for the kind words reborn.

So we did a seperation of sorts. To figure out our thoughts on the whole sitsuation.

The rules were...no talking to anyone and. I texting each other.

I followed them. I felt...well good. My gut told me this is the correct thing to do. I feel me again when im away from her.

The next morning she texts me

Good morning. I reply blah blah. She ends up sayong she is sick without me there. She loves me. Wants me...will do anything including getting rid of all social media, give me all her passwords. Quit drinking. Ect. I asked her how bad do u want me? Very she says....

So like a poor.beaten dog i go back home. Night went fine.

The next day she finally comes clean and tells me she had sex with the guy. I knew this all along but hearing it from her opens the pain doors back up.

We are pretty much done now i think. That was the last chance. Oh by the way while i was there i saw she made an email account with the corrections office but only to tell the guy shes going to work on her marriage, so stop calling. Nice excuse but her internet history shows she went there everyday for a week!

Now with her confirmation im perma moving out to my parents. Probly going to talk about filing soon rly cant afford lawyers. So we can try to be civil.....

Not sure what to do rly

Money is an issue here. I dint want to go to court because i cannot afford it.

When i touch her all i can think about is her AP. Didnhe touch her like this? When i look at her

..i see red

Like i said before

Im done.

[This message edited by subverted at 12:11 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8571867
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reborn07 ( new member #71226) posted at 10:24 PM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

i hate to tell someone they shouldn’t try to R, but i think she’s shown u everything u need to see here. all the feelings u feel are absolutely textbook. this is supposed to hurt. i know it’s hard but grit your teeth, because a lot of what’s happening and what’s about to happen could likely be some of the most grueling, trying days you’ll ever struggle through. it’s a process, u just need to understand that there is an end to it, u may not be able to see it from where you’re standing, but there is. the process will probably change you, but in the wake of it, u might find out she didn’t make u as happy as u thought she did. that silent house you talked about is a real thing. sometimes when i was alone, the silence was like a freight train in the living room. over time, the silence turned into peace and quiet. not because of the kids, but her complaints and hostility towards the kids over silly bullshit. it was a long way here, but i’m happier now than i was with her, and my relationship with my children is better than it ever was. they know a different me without her. when it all came down to brass tacks, i didn’t know if i could ever fix what we had, but i could definitely replace it with something else. it may not look like it right now, but you’ll get over her, and if you can make it to where i’m at, i don’t believe you’ll regret walking away.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8571954
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 11:14 PM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

She ends up sayong she is sick without me there. She loves me. Wants me...will do anything including getting rid of all social media, give me all her passwords. Quit drinking. Ect. I asked her how bad do u want me? Very she says....

What is really sick is that you keep falling for this reasoning. Either you want to get out of infidelity or you don't. I would strongly advise against going back to her while the affair is ongoing, which it certainly is at this moment.

So like a poor.beaten dog i go back home. Night went fine.

Which is pretty much how she sees you, no offense. You have to take control here. THIS isn't taking control. As long as she can manipulate you, she won't respect you.

The next day she finally comes clean and tells me she had sex with the guy. I knew this all along but hearing it from her opens the pain doors back up.

Okay, you just had sex with a woman (don't deny it) that just had sex with a convict. I think you need to see a doctor right away.

A) Stop having sex with her. As I've said, see a doctor. You're probably a walking petri dish right now.

B) Get some separation. That means don't stalk her, don't follow her, don't bother playing detective. You have all the proof you need.

C) See the case handler for this convict, and inform him that your wife and he have an inappropriate relationship. Why haven't you already done this? Do you enjoy those mind movies you have going now?

D) See the attorney. I know money is tight but most will consult with you for free, and set up payment p121/lans.

E) Discuss having the children full time after ?/the divorce. She's seeing a convict now, and you both know this is unsafe for your children.

F) Stop fixating on how low she's fallen. That's her choice, her decisions. He didn't seduce her, ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS. She was his active, willing participant. She did it because she liked it. It had nothing to do with you!

If you don't FEEL like you are in charge, fake it until you make it! This is a time of doubt and confusion and betrayal. You need to be proactive, disassociate with her. That means full 180. That means stop reacting. Stop giving anything away to her. Don't tell her your plans, or how you are feeling. Reveal nothing.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8571963
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:34 PM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

I haven’t read everything but there’s been some jail time. Check your phone records. Someone in jail or in prison can only make collect calls.

I frankly don’t see much to work with here.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3343   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8571968
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