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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

Just Found Out :
is this real?

Topic is Sleeping.

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 2:28 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Title will say it all here.

First off sorry for the long story. Just using this as a documentation board to remember the timeline of events.

We have been married for 12 years. Both 35 years old, 5 days apart. 3 children, 11 7 and 4. She has been a stay at home mom for about 11 of those 12 years thankfully i have a job that pays well enough to support our family. She has been 100% faithful to me and i have never had a trust issue up until this point. Maybe a little jealousy because she is a very attactive women and dies get attention from men everywhere she goes. As for me, i have never cheated and have not even come close. Simply not in my moral compass.

I will say this for the record. My wife suffers from PMDD and during that week she really almost turns into another person. So much so that my kids see it. I see it. I can even hear it in her voice when this is starting. Ahe also suffers from chronic back pain and fibromyalgia.On top of this, she was alao diagnosed bi-polar in her 20's. I am not sure if she actually is bi polar or if it is just the PMDD. She seems pretty stable outside of her time of the month. Because of this after trying just about everything to remedy the pain, she recently started seeing a new doctor that put her on gabapentin. This started around mid may this year.

I noticed she had been acting a little distant. Not like her usuall self. We are normally very physical and have a very sexual realationship. I would say we normally have sex around 5 times a week on average. Lots of hugs and i love yous.

So back in mid may i noticed she was no longer complaining constantly of her back and fibro pain. Normally she is constantly complaining about this. On top of being a little wierd and distant. We dont really have any friends outside of our realationship. So one day she texts me at work and says to me that she was going to meet her girlfriend and a couple of her friends up at yhe beach. I said ok sounds good. I will be home soon. So she heads out that night comes home and everythingnis fine and normal. 10 days go by and this is when i start noticing something is off and i am getting that feeling. Intuition maybe? She says she is heading up to the grocery store and i decide off the wim im going to go check her laptop......

This is where my life as i know it changes.

I first notice she had deleted all of her browser history. This set iff a red flag. I dug thru her email and facebook, nothing. Facebook messages to this girlfriend she is supposed to be meeting at the beach are also deleted and i know they talk on FB. So i decide to check out her google search history. There is see it. She is looking up a person that is on the michigan sex offenders list. I click on it, get his name and see if he is on her facebook. Yep, friends. I notice in her search history that she also googles his address, home value, his birthday horoscope, and a sentence "what should i do". I immediately call her and tell her she needs to come home, everyone is safe but you need to turn around and come home right now. She does. I confront her ask her who this person is. She gets very upset and says "are you spying on me?" I said yeah i guess so... you have been acting out of character lately...she starts to cry and deny... but slowly starts to answere my questions....

Who is this guy? an old friend who i have always had feelings for.

How did you meet him? When i went to the beach with my friend last week, he was there. Friends his her friends boyfriend. She said that this was not pre meditated.

What did you guys do? Nothing....then goes on to say we hugged. Then later says they kissed... then later says they touched...alot. but nothing sexual.. (now i know that this is probly half the truth, so my brain tells me they were sexual.)

Are you still talking to him? No... he actually quit talking to me. He said he likes me...but im married.

I cry for the first time in our 12 year marriage. She does too. She starts to move in and get sexual with me because were 2 dysfunctional people.. and we have sex.

The next few days are hard. I cant go to work so I take a few vaca days.the kids get taken by my in laws so wifey and i can work a few things out. I grill her to the point of crying everyday. And she assures me they are not talking, its over, it was nothing major, and she wants me, lets move on. There are a lot of visions of these 2 in my head that wont leave and it causes a lot of anger. So i grill and interrogate her constantly. To the point where she starts to threaten that im pushing her away... i find an email during this week in her trash that she forgot to delete. It was sent to him and said: "hey dont just disapear on me, i need to talk to you" .... when i found this i woke her up out of bed and it atarted another 2 day fight....

So ok, let me just put this here real quick. During our 12 years of marriage i was not by any means a perfect husband. I never cheated, but i worked a lot of long days and came home to unwind on the computer playong a video game that i would put a lot if time into. I ignored her a lot, snapped at her when she tried to get my attention and she qent to bed in tears quite a few nights. I see the damage this caused and i feel terrible about it. I also can be a pretty big dick sometimes. Like if we are having an argument i would blame her PMS and such. Things you just wouldnt say to a women. I guess i didnt give her the time of day she deserved.

So after those 4 days of talking, i go back to work. Thursday and friday. In friday she has some errands to run and before she leaves she assures my sorry ass that they are bot talking anymore and its iver between them. Hes ignoring her. She leaves. Is gone for awhile, a few hours. When we are seperated now i start to feel very very anxiouse... like i need her by me to function. I start to think shes out talking bad about me with her new partner. So as i sit there and my brain is ticking 100mph i decide shit, i pay the phone going to log on the phone account and see what shes up to on there. Low and behold i see a number that has been called and text ALOT that didnt start showing up on the bill until she went to the beach that day about 3 weeks ago. I get pissed call it.... yep its the guy. He claims he dosnt know my wife and hangs up....i dont call her, i call her mom and tell her (she is very supportive if me) and i also call my mom and tell her for the first time whats going on. I ask if she can get the kids tonight and she does. A few hours later my wife gets home and i hand her my wedding band and say its over. You still lying to me and you have completely fucked this marriage up. She starts to cry and says i can explain....she tells me she called him to tell him goodbye (even tho she told me he qyit talking to her) and i say honey... you started calling him the day i returned to work... thursday and friday... you had to say goodbye twice? Silence....

The next day she heads out to the beach with her friend again.....i thi k its rly her girlfriend this time who she insists has had nothing to do with this. She is younger and has never been married, no kids. She comes home and starts talking about hiw weve griwn apart. And maybe it would be better for the kids if we were divorced. Blah blah blah. Another night of my crying like a baby...

We decide that it would be best for the sake of out marriage if we take a few days break from each other. She is going to take tge kids and head to her moms house for a few nights. The day comes for her to leave and she texts me at work and tells me her plans. Shes going to go hang out with her friend (its already 12pm) and then take the kids and head out. I say no... i dont know why i did. Jealousy or something? I decide icam coming home right now and taking your van and the kids and going to my moms. Tou can stay here. She gets upset but agrees and we go our seperate ways. That was one of the hardest nights of my life. The next day comes anf im actually feeling OK.i decide im going to call a divorce lawyer and get some info and an escape plan. I wait patiently all morning for her daily hello text. She sleeps u til about 9 or later most days. It comes! Im so happy for what im seeing. She says she loves me and wants me. And is sorry that she had feelings for someone else. She then starts to ask me i have 75 dollars so she can get her eyebrows done. I say no, i have a few bills that need to be paid. She says ok well maybe i can come up with it. At this time she finds out that i chanhed all of the passwords to the bank accounts. I did this for 2 reaaons...1 i didnt want to to get crazy and drain the account and 2. I dis something bad. The night i found out she was still calling and talking to this guy after a week of "its cut off" promises, im hurt and decide to make a online dating profil which cost money and was now in my bank history.... i know im a sad soul. All these women wanted to meet yet i can only think of wanting my wife. Anyways, she finds out the accounts are locked because she is looking for money for her appointment and geta extreamely upset. Says she needs to het into the account to do grown up things like pay bills (i pay the bills). She says "ok i love u i want to be with you im sorry i care avout other people its over so do you have that money?" I get pretty upset right now and im at work so im only about 5 minutes from home. I rush home to try ans talk to her about the bank accounts in person before she rushes off because i know that she knows im probly on my way home. I pull up and hear her run to the door of my house and throw the dead bolt. I knock for a few munutes and say comenon i just want to talk. I sont want to break into my own house. She finally comes to the door and says "your not going to yell at me are you? Because i just cant take another interrogation right now"? Im completely calm at this point ans i say no im here to tell u about the bank accounts. She finally lets me in and we talk. Now a few days before this moment she had cut her does of gabapentin down in half. We argue a bit, i tell her about the inline dating thing, and that i cancelled and deleted my account (i did i felt terrible for having it) and we got into a few different arguments so i decided to leave. As i was walkinh out the door she said something and i dont know to this day what it was. I stopped, turned around and went upstairs to where she was. We sat there. And we talked calmy about us. She said she went out with her girlfriends last night and hu g out with a girl that actually knows this guy she had been talking to and sending pictures to...she said yeah, hes been 2 prison 2 times now for sex crimes. Has no house, no ambition and is just a complete douch bag. My wife ride thru the neighborhood qhere he lives, where she used to live b4 we married and told me what i have here is so much better than what i had then. She said last night she realised thats not the l8fe she wants. She said acutally he called me last night, and i told him that he cant be calling me anymore and that its over. This made me feel good. Rly good. It was like a drug just released an infinite amount of endorphins into my bloodstream. See this is how this women makes me feel. We qork things out and have sex once again...i come home with the kids later that night, feeling like my wife was back. No longer in fantasy world.

A few days later she texts me in the morning *we usually talk when she wakes up on messenger) and tells me shes watching this FB show called kat and nat. I decide to take an interest in my wifes interests and i google kat and nat. They are 2 married moms navigating there way thru life and talking to other women about thier experiences. The first thing that shows up is a facebook live feed of them talking about a erotic fantasy of going to the beach and meeting this very attractive man that they end up having a sexual realationship with. I figure whatever... thats what women do. Oh but wait, right on the google page there is a video comment from my wife right at the top! This is what it read. "Omg something like this happened to me, kind of..OMG i dont want to be married anymore..." wow. That hurts. And like really what are the chances of me seeing that? Again hurting i call my wife and she once again gets upset and says im spying...she sidnt mean what she said blahblahblah...

We end up a few days later going to our first online marriage counseling session. It went well. The counsellor went over the whole transparancy thing and applauded me for being honest about the things i have done wrong.

A few nights go by and i find that drinking rly calms my nerves at night. I dont drink, normally maybe twice a year. A few beers a night now for the past week or so is what ive been doing once the kids r in bed. I tell her she needs to go get a job. She needs to go hang out with her friends. She needs to go treat herself to something nice to get away from being a 24 hour homemaker. The kids can be a-holes and they will drive u crazy. So she does. Thursday she goes to a few appointments and gets a manny/peddy. Friday she goes to the beach with her girlfriend. Im cool with it. Happy wife happy life. I truly at this point feel shes not talking to the guy. I saw a text to her BF where she admitted she hasnt yalked to him in weeks. Saturday comes. I come home from work and think ok if shes going grocery shopping i bet cleaning this completely un-organized fridge will put her in an even better mood, and score some hubby points at the same time. So i clean the fridge. After she comes downstairs from her hour long mirror stare and makeup session. She literally steps over all of the fridge items on the floor and says love u babe ill be back. And heads out. Thats hurt pathetic soul just wants a pat on the back. She says shes going to one store and then to another so i figure its going to be at least be a few hours. 4 hours later she gets home. I had already smuckered down 2 tallboys due to my seperation anxiety and she busts in the door and says "im ganna need a little help here!" Whoa i thought to myself... no need for that i ALWAYS help with groceries. I see that she also did not go to the store she said she was. She spent 4 hours grocery shopping at a different store. Now let me stop right here and say i know how much of a mellow dramatic 50's husband i sound like. But considering the circumstances thats how i feel. Very vulnerable ..

This is where we have one of the worst fights in our entire marriage. We argue about this and that. She tells me see this is why i cant be with you. You bullheaded. "You dont stop asking me about if i want to be married or what happned between me and the guy." I cant take this anymore. I love you but i dont think im in love with you. Lifes too short to live like this. Ive built my own prison i cant live with you i cant live without you. I have nothing, my pool is here my plants are here my house is here, my kids are here. I cant leave im stuck here." This makes me feel like om basically living with my wife who no longer has feelings for me, but does not want to take 10 giant steps backwards and is admittedly scared of the next step. I get upset she feels this way. I try to take her phone... she has changed all the passwords. She gets up to leave and I grab her... i have never done this before and i feel terrible. I dont hit her, i would never.... but i grab her and try to get the locked phone from her. I tell her to unlock and she does. I look the guy up... and type him a short messege. "Hey". It said. He never responded. And i felt bad for even doing it. She sees this and gets very very upset. Takes the phone. Kicks me in the crotch and goes and sits in her van. I ended up going to bed and going to work the next day.

The next day I come home from work and ealier that day i sent her a FB message of a video i watched about overthinkers who self sabbotage thier realationships. I thought to myself, hey this is me to a tee. When i got home ahe was in our room very somber watching the video i sent her. We talked calmly for awhile about how things are and our feelings. She wants to and thinks she should be avle to go out with her friends, does bot matter who and not have to indulge every si gle detail to me. (i never asked for any of this before she had a month long online and physical realationship with another man) that life is too short to be unhappy and she loves me vut its not the same as it was. She says theres no passion left and she juat dosnt get that feeling. But shes stuck here. I tell her shes not stuck here thi gs would be hard. Rly hard for me. But i will make it thru. And so will u. At this point im starting to feel like our marriage is a lost cause so im starting to think a lot about life without her. Seeing my kids on the weekends...paying child support...having another man raise my kids... all so sad and scary to think about. I get up to leave and she says dont go. I lay back down and again.... we end up having sex...see a pattern here?

Niw here we are today, present day. I decide...i dont need this. I dont need to be her doormat. I love her so much but i dont think im happy either. I decide to go get a gym membership when i gey home from work.

I get home, and tell her my plans. Shes kind of shocked but says ok. I go and shave and shower. She knocks on the door and says "why r u taking a shiwer before u go to the gym?" I said because. I gotta go to the store and get a gym bag and towell. And, im covered in work grime. I put on some nice new clothes i just got and that upset her. "Why r u deessing up for thr gym" i said because im going to the store and like you said, it makes me feel good when i look nice. Shes starting to act funny and getting very jealous right now. I go outside to tell her goodbye and she says "so who are you going to meet?" I said no one. Im going to the gym by myself. Remember yesterday you said maybe if i hang out with my friends i will realize im happier without you, and maybe ill meet a new women? (This like a knife by the way when she says this, i just want her) anyways i go out to the gym by myself and shes sending me messeges the while time about how bad the kids r being. She says the reason they disrespect her and not me is because they see the way i treat her and think its ok for them yo do the same. This is the first time i think i have ever went and did something alone in at least 6 years. Im a family man. I like to be with her and my children. I get home and shes still acting funny. She sees me on my phone talking to a wirk buddy and gets upset. Saying why r u talking to a man about me, who has been divoeced? She goes outside crying and writes me a note. Im being very standoffish and teied saying babe, me and u fight all the time its not working. In the note it said hiw she just wishes i could be in her head and see that all i have to do to make this all go away is forget about it and start working in the marriage. It said she loves me and wants me. And the ball is totaly in my court. My actuons alone decide this marriage's future. I go to bed. She comes up and asks if she can lay by me and i say yes, ofvourse. She goes to brush her teeth.

Then i get in that mood again.... i contemokate doing something but dont think I should. But i do...

When she lays fown in the bed i say to her. Wait, b4 u lay down i gotta tell u something. I said, i didnt go to the gym today... she says what? Whered u go? I said i went to see an old girlfriend. We had sex. She sits up in anger and i kidding...but thats what im dealing with how does it feel? She gets upset and leaves....i know ahouldnt of done it.

A hour later she comes up and we have passionate sex.....

The next day im rly trying and things r going good. We sit outside and she we start talking about how a divorce would work. Well i tell her what i think and she says but we couldnt do 50/50 because the kids will need to go to school. I said yah that would suck. She told her friend basically she has everything here and it would be too hard to leave. She wants to focus on herself and the kids. And relax when she can leave the house and unwind. Nothing about working on me or the marriage. This divorce talk got me very anxious. She brought up that some couples live together but are seperated... i said no... not for me. I tell her to just tell me the truth... tell me how u feel and what u want. She says she wants this marriage to work. She says counselling is the last ditch effort we have left. She wants me to change my behavior and hard headedness so that she can like me again. Part of me says dont change who you are for a manipulative women that just needs your resources. The other part of me says stop being hardheaded and give this a good try, because our kids lives depend on it. I am still wondering if taking a longer break from each other may be the best thing torn.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556358

hardtomove ( member #68757) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

No this is not real. She doesn't want to be married to you. Look up how to do the 180 and proceed. Get all the necessary information from the attorney and serve her. You can always change your mind if therapy works however, I don't feel that's the case. She is just trying to figure out how to get money and move forward. She has lied to you at every juncture.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018
id 8556361

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Thank you so much for saying this. It hurts but my hut tells me the same thing. Whwn i went to the gym i felt the best i have in days. To see the how worried and jealous she acted made me feel good. Is that bad?

I looked up the 180 and it seems i started it the day i went to the gym. I noticed results immidiatly. Im going to be spending more time with me. And my children. I need to atop feeling guilty for leaving her home with the kids. She chose this path, not me. It hit me luke a truck out of the blue. I need to stop dwelling on the good times we had and stop being a pathetic repulsive bo gooder.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556363

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:15 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

My biggest worry is the fact that im in michigan. Child support will kill me. My whole way of life will stop and she will get half of all my hard work. I will bot see my kids as much. Im worried that doing the 180 will make her pissed and she will try to fleece me for everything i own.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556364

DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 3:46 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Im worried that doing the 180 will make her pissed and she will try to fleece me for everything i own.

Uh, oh. Woven throughout your comments, there is a clear picture of you trying to control the outcome. You cannot. It doesn't work. When trying to control the outcome is the primary driver for decision making, you will neither get what you are trying to get and more likely will end up with what you are trying not to get. Cheaters cannot be controlled to do what you want. Cheaters do what they want, even to the point of pretending what they want is what you want them, so as to control you.

Your cheating wife is being 100% transparent. You are tying to balance her lies and disrespect with phony words and manipulative sex to drive your endorphins into influencing your unhealthy choices.

See thing as they are. You cannot control the outcome by the choices you make. Make choices that you know will help you get out of her infidelity and brokenness, on your way to a more healthier you.

[This message edited by DIFM at 9:46 AM, July 1st, 2020 (Wednesday)]

posts: 1757   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8556372

beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 3:50 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Hi subverted,

Sorry you are here. I see two issues in your story that need to be addressed.

1. You have allowed your WW to not admit the extent of her Affair. You guys are tiptoeing around what she did instead of having her admit it fully and deal with reality. There is this unsaid reality here where you both seem to know she physically cheated and yet you don't deal with it. This has to be confronted directly if you hope to reconcile.

2. You also seemed to have glossed over that your WW is having an Affair with a convicted sex offender! What are the offenses? Do they have anything to do with children? Do you want him in your children's lives? You have to get to the details of what he did and talk to an attorney. He may have restrictions that do not allow him to be near children. There is no way in hell that I would allow him near my kids.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8556375

Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

You also seemed to have glossed over that your WW is having an Affair with a convicted sex offender! What are the offenses? Do they have anything to do with children? Do you want him in your children's lives? You have to get to the details of what he did and talk to an attorney. He may have restrictions that do not allow him to be near children. There is no way in hell that I would allow him near my kids.

Some sex offenders date/have affairs with women with children - and it isn't because they want the woman.

Talk to an attorney; you very well may be in a position where you would have sole custody.

Me-58 FWH-60 Married 40 years 9/2/2023 grown daughters-40&36.14yo GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); 12yo GD & 7yo GD(DD36). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8900   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8556390

Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

"Part of me says dont change who you are for a manipulative women that just needs your resources."

1. She posted on a website saying she had a similar beach experience.

2. She's admitted feelings for another man.

3. She's taken a lot of time researching this other man.

4. She sent him messages when she said it was over and she was asking him not to disappear on her.

5. She's blaming you and saying you need to change.

6. She wants to go out and not be accountable to her husband.

7. She says she feels 'trapped' in her home situation.

8. She gave you the 'love you but not in love' line.

9. She wants you to do the work to make the marriage better but she's not willing to change herself.

10. She's hanging with a loose single 'friend' and watching vids that justify cheating.

This is standard cheating behavior. She likely had sex with the 'old boyfriend', liked it, and then started looking him up to see if he was worth monkey-branching to. She found that he had nothing and is settling for plan B. Plan B includes staying with you but going out with 'friends' and flirting and having sex with other men like she did with the old boyfriend. She's also blaming you for her choices. (There's no spark anymore; things are boring now; you're the problem; you need to fix it; etc.)

Please realize that you've been playing the pick-me game and losing. Once you decided to pretend to take your life back and dress up she got jealous and immediately started thinking you were going to cheat. Why did she go to that conclusion immediately? Because she's already done it. She's projecting her behavior upon you. That means that the times when she's dressed up to go out with her 'friend', was for the purpose of meeting other men for sex. She was hinting at divorce because she doesn't want to have to sneak around anymore.

Please realize that your WW behavior and words are classic cheater. She's has been and is cheating on you.

If you really feel like it's worth staying with someone who'd treat you as plan B, then you at least need to continue to take your life back. Keep going to the gym. Find new friends. Start creating a life outside of your WW. Keep buying yourself new cloths and dressing up to go out. If your WW mentions divorce then tell her if that's the way she really feels, then she should start the process. Show her that you aren't going to change because you aren't the problem, she is. Don't allow her for one second to make you think that you're at fault for any on this. And also realize that her 'friend' is encouraging your WW to cheat and divorce. Your WW is unhappy because she's listening to a home-wrecking whore.

The first thing you should be doing is contacting a good divorce lawyer and having an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement drawn up while the sh*t is still blowing through the fan and while your WW is still dreaming of freedom. You must act quickly on this while she's willing to be fair with you.

Simultaneously you need to become your own man. As I noted above, you need to start taking time for yourself. Get out of the house and make and see old friends. In addition to working out at least three times a week, take up a hobby like golf or bowling or anything that you do together with friends.

Make your WW watch the kids she brought into this world. Make her focus on her family responsibilities again. You've given her way to much free time. She needs to be busy. Having her get a job is a great start along with not babysitting so she can go flirt with other men. Hold her accountable for her behavior and for her choice of 'friends'.

Most importantly, never ever allow her or anyone else to lay her cheating choices on you. You've done nothing but been faithful. You didn't cheat when you got down. Instead you trudged ahead and pushed through it. You've provided a great life for her; she has a better life than many other wives. The least she could do is be grateful. This leads back to her choice of 'friends'. They are likely encouraging and feeding her ungratefulness.

Realize that if you want to save your marriage, you must be willing to lose it all. Never, ever play the pick-me game where you're crying and begging for her to change. This only makes you look weak. Realize that she's fawning over other men who aren't co-dependent and who act confident. Groveling, pleading, and begging makes you look pathetic in her straying eyes. You must be strong and decisive. Take charge of your home and of your life. Never allow anyone to determine your level of happiness. You have two primary goals right now. 1. get out of infidelity and 2. break your co-dependency and take your life back.

It's too bad your WW and many others have chosen to stray from their marriages when life was and could have continued to be so content for you and her. Because of her actions, you now have to mentally refind yourself apart from her and make your life good again. Thankfully, many on this site have done just that and are again happy and secure with themselves and their lives. Take care of yourself. You're worth it. If you put yourself first, you'll find that life can be better than it ever was before this. I wish the best for you.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8556395

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 5:11 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Get your wife into the workforce and go for 50/50 custody. Lots of people do it. You'll be fine when you factor in school, their after school clubs and childcare.

You seem remarkably chilled about the sex offender part. Have you even checked out why he went to jail? Were your children ever in danger?

Finally your WW has it round the wrong way, she's the one that's supposed to change her behaviour not you. I'd be wary about that new friend of hers too, I doubt she's a friend of your marriage.

posts: 963   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8556415

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Thanks for all the knowledgeable posts guys! Very good.

As for the questions.

She was speaking to this guy on the internet for a few days before she decided to go and meet him. She played the story of, she just ran into him and did not know these feelings were going to hit her as hard as they did. But a few weeks later she finally said that the meeting was not coincidental and they in fact planned to meet up, but to talk about "business".

Doing some snooping. Hes been to prison twice. One she tells me was a statutory rape charge that he got when he was supposedly 19. He apparently has sex with a girl that said she was older. Between the ages of 14 and 15. I know...sick. Then he has a failure to report case. This does not add up because 1st offenders do not get years in prison for these cases. Something is off. A sex offender is a sex offender, and I made damn sure the kids were not involved. He is also not allowed to see his own child, if that says anything.

I do truly think that she has cut him off. She knows hes garbage but that's not really the point, its hard for me to believe anything she says.

I have told her to remove this guy from her instagram account as well as her facebook, and she just gives me the excuse of "he is never on there anyways but I will" she hasn't... Seems like she does not want to do her part. In our first MC appointment, the councilor said she needs to be transparent with all of her devices. She hasn't. Needless to say I do have some good ammunition for our next MC appointment this Thursday. All these are red flags for me.

I can slowly see her trying to turn the tables into this being my fault because i was a distant "dick" for all those years. (but I not once have ever cheated, I have always provided her with a house, food, clothes, insurance, Love everything.)

The hard part for me is she used to be so much more loving towards me. She used to be so jealous when another women (even including this friend of hers) used to talk or look at me. Now its like the tables have turned. It's like someone took my sweet wife and turned her into something shes not. She is not a cold hearted bad person. But she can be very cruel from time to time and the PMDD really jekel and hydes her personality. This person has never been at our house, I would know about it. I really only think she met up with him once. She has no unaccounted for time really. No overnight stays. Im not saying that shes only telling me half the truth, because im sure she is. She cheated and said nothing about it for 10 days, until she got caught. She even says nasty things that just drop my jaw and i have to pinch my lips hard not to get angry. Things like: It would have been so much easier if you just didnt know about this, cause I know how you over think everything.. LOL or what about this one, "it was not a big deal, so we touched and I kissed him, your making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be: LOL, the big deal is my trust for you is 0 and a marriage kind of needs that you know?

She tells me now about how scared she would be to be on her own, she would be taking 10 giant steps backwards...She has no money and no job or place to stay. In Michigan women have the rights. Cheating or not the judge does not consider this. Even tho I own everything in my name, its 50/50 hers. And since she has been the primary caregiver of the children, she is entitled more time technically in this county and state.

[This message edited by subverted at 11:50 AM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556431

Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

You are in the same position, legally, as many men. It sucks- she cheats, you get the consequences. It has improved since I went through it. But, still pretty tough for a guy these days.

So, not much you can do. She will never take responsibility. Can you live with that?

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8556437

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Im so sorry this is happening.

I noticed you mentioned gabapentin a few times.

I take gabapentin. I have been diagnosed with a variation of trigeminal neuralgia. Also known as "the suicide disease."

I've been on a low dose, then a high dose. And everything in between.

I tell you this because I want you to know it has nothing to do with the gabapentin. It has nothing to do with her medical condition. Her mind may not be right, at all times, and she may be in pain, but that is not why she is cheating. I've become very forgetful. I have trouble handling stress. My husband can also be a dick. I am in pain. But I'm not cheating.

She is cheating because she wants to.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8556438

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 6:17 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

There doesn't need to be an overnight stay for there to be sex. All these trips to the beach with the friend and 4 hour grocery shopping trips could easily have been meetups for sex.

Your WW has too much free time, I repeat she needs a job.

posts: 963   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8556444

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 6:55 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

I'm going to be super honest with you and it's not going to sound very nice, so I apologize in advance. But... you're married to an overgrown CHILD. She's spoiled, selfish, ungrateful, emotionally immature, and seems to believe that the world owes her. From what you've described here, the cheating was premeditated, and now that it's out in the open, she's happy to blame-shift her responsibility for that onto you. Note how she also blame-shifts the children's misbehavior onto you as well, despite the fact that she's their primary caregiver and you're out of the home working however many hours each week. It's her JOB to teach them appropriate behavior and life skills. But nothing is ever her fault.

That's no way to live your life, man.

Cheating is always about character. It's not about the marriage and it's not about YOU. Somewhere inside, your WW has the capacity to say "yes" to cheating and lies. YOU can't change that. She's the only one who can. And nothing that you've posted here would indicate that she'll ever grow up enough to do it.

So, my recommendation to you, harsh as it might sound, is to spend the next year or so getting your ducks in a row. Sending her out to get a job will lower your support payments. Getting her therapy will help to stabilize the children's environment when they're with her. Document all the time you spend with your children, and spend lots of time with your children. Think about, and make plans for where you'll live, how you'll manage childcare, etc. for a minimum of 50/50 custody. Get your budget under control and some money saved up, hopefully, in an account she can't access. And after all that is done, and you're in a pretty good position to handle your finances and your responsibilities... dump her on her ass if she hasn't improved herself.

I think it's okay to pursue reconciliation, don't get me wrong. But, in your case, with a WW so severely crippled by emotional immaturity, I'm not at all hopeful that reconciliation will succeed. What I think will happen instead is that you'll coast along, wasting your precious years on a person who is inherently ungrateful. So, my advice to you is to start working your back-up plan and then pull the ripcord when you've had enough.

I'm sorry. I'm sure you were looking for more hopeful advice, but I just can't see it.

ETA: If this bit here in the quote box below is accurate, make sure she's working full time instead of part time.

And since she has been the primary caregiver of the children, she is entitled more time technically in this county and state.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:01 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8556461

Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 7:25 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

I do truly think that she has cut him off. She knows hes garbage but that's not really the point, its hard for me to believe anything she says.

Of course you don't believe her! Because:

I have told her to remove this guy from her instagram account as well as her facebook, and she just gives me the excuse of "he is never on there anyways but I will" she hasn't...

She does not want to give up her home life; you are Plan B - she wants to sit on the proverbial fence and eat the cake. Knock her off that fence and toss that cake in the garbage disposal!

Me-58 FWH-60 Married 40 years 9/2/2023 grown daughters-40&36.14yo GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); 12yo GD & 7yo GD(DD36). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8900   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8556477

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 9:37 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Thank you guys so much. It feels so good to be able to talk about this. When i talk about it with my WW she tells me i am overthinking and i need to stop interogating her..

Feels good.

Started the 180 today. Stay strong.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556538

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:01 AM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

I need your help guys.

First night of the 180. She was gone today to get her "eyebrows done" she left at 245 and came home at 745.

She started crying and asking me why im being wierd. And she just wants a hug. And says me acting likenthis is sabotaging to marriage.... how do i act now? Do i keep rolling? I can... the things she says makes me so mad. She is still trying to say im the one that needs to change.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556678

OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 5:18 AM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

Simply tell her that it is her infidelity that has sabotaged the marriage, and you are detaching until (or if) she gets her head out of her ars.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 11:21 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8556701

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:14 AM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

Your WW is still lying to you, but you know this, no sex offender is going to just hang out at the beach with a woman who admits "having feelings for him" and not have well "SEX", he's a SEX offender they don't just hold hands, but in this case he did not offend anyone, she was CHASING him.

Your WW wants to live like she's single, she wants you to just allow her to go out with "the girls" like it's nothing after her huge betrayal, she has not shown an OUNCE of remorse, she just regrets getting caught (she admitted to that too when she said it would have been better if you had never found out), she's not R material by a very long shot, I suggest you file for D and don't look back, D takes a long time and can always be stopped if she comes around (or NOT!) but your WW needs years of IC, again she still thinks YOU are the problem and how dare you interrogate her some more !.

Contact a D attorney and have her served, fast, RUN, with her attitude you have NOTHING to work with at this point.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:17 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8556711

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 7:53 AM on Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

Brother, have you been tested for STDs? If not you both need to. She is manipulating the situation. The 180 will help to dis engage from this manipulation. She has issues how long does it take getting your eyebrows done?

She could (just me) have taken the A underground.

One day at a time


[This message edited by Buffer at 1:44 AM, July 3rd (Friday)]


posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8556720
Topic is Sleeping.
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