Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: InkHulk

Just Found Out :
is this real?

default

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 7:48 PM on Tuesday, July 7th, 2020

.its my fault i was so distant. Its my fault the way i talk annoys her.

She tells me it was because she was mad at me lol! She calls me the crazy one. I get letters from her, 2 ir 3 a day now telling me how i can fix it.

So you had a nice bike ride. And a discussion without yelling. Does that mean you are taking the steps your WW requested to fix yourself and repair the M? From what you are telling us, it appears that the responsibility lies on YOU. You have not explained ANY steps your WW is taking to regain your trust or take responsibility for her actions. If you are comfortable with this, then I wish you luck.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8558530
default

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:13 AM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2020

She truly feels terrible that she is having feelings for this man.

So she still has feeling for the OM, and she’s still in the affair.

You can’t control her, you can’t change her feelings. You can get out of infidelity though.

As long as you stay with a woman who is in love with another man, you will be in pain.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8558640
default

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 12:22 AM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2020

And any question i ask is most likely going to be answered with a lie

Tough to stay married to a spouse who acts like that.

My sympathies pal, that's a very tough marital situation.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 6:23 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

posts: 453   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8558645
default

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:51 AM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2020

Subverted:

Glad you have a place to vent. You have a lot of good reasons to try and make it work with your WW. There is nothing wrong in making that effort. We each have to make the decisions right for our life. Always value yourself. Be vigilant. Do not allow your WW to rugsweep her A. If she wants to continue your M, she has to try and rebuild your trust. Time will tell.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3171   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8558688
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2020

Subverted

You deserve more than what she is giving you. I know you are a nice guy that loves his wife. Most of us here are. We can’t imagine being mean to the person you love.

But I am going to be completely honest with you here, working through this slowly while she still is “in love” with another man is not going to get you where you want to go. It will leave you in limbo.

We all have free will. Both you and she a re no exceptions.

So if it were me I’d be completely honest about what you want. Like many here I believe honesty from both souses after infidelity is the primary key to rebuilding or finding happiness.

You don’t have to be mean about it. But you need to be clear.

I cannot remain in a relationship where my partner views me as 2nd best. I need to be my wife’s one, and more importantly, her only.

You clearly have feelings for this other man and he for you. That breaks my heart. I thought we would Spend the rest of our lives together as a team, finding happiness as a pair with each other in our hearts completely.

It’s clear that is not the case for you. I will not give my heart to someone who no longer makes me feel safe in the relationship and is pining away for someone else. I cannot live with someone who each day looks out the window wondering what she is missing out on.

I think you need to go and explore what you see in this individual. I can’t be with you while you are wondering. Yes I’m mad, sad and in pain over this. This is not what I want. But I see no other path for us while you are not absolutely sure that I am your soulmate and partner for life.

So I’m going to move on. I’m going to legally end what your infidelity has damaged and try to heal and find happiness for myself and hopefully our kids.

Do not come back to me unless you are absolutely sure I am the love of your life. I don’t need false hope and fake affection.

Someday if you’ve sorted out your life, and I’m in a position to discuss it, perhaps we can try again. But I will make no promises nor do I want any from you.

It’s time to end discussions about us and start working on the mechanics of ending our marriage. I’m sad this is the case, but i see no other options.

Seriously my friend, look down the road, can you see a path where she gives him up and doesn’t pine away for time with him? That’s not a life for you. Marriage, while hard work, should also be a safe haven for partners and not have major doubts overhanging the relationship.

Take the step that I and others suggest, let her go and find herself. Let her explore this life with him. In the meantime you can work on you and decide what makes you happy. Perhaps it is someone else. Perhaps it’s a change how you spend your time. Whatever it is, at least you’ll eventually stop wondering when she walks out the door who she will be spending time with and what they will be doing.

If someday with hat in hand, she can prove to you that her heart is solely with you, then you can try and rebuild. My hope is that by then, you have found the person that truly treats you as you deserve and can tell her to pound salt.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:27 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3412   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8558904
default

DBFool2019 ( member #72288) posted at 8:05 PM on Wednesday, July 8th, 2020

A hour later she comes up and we have passionate sex.....

Brother, you are splitting a time-share vagina with a registered sex offender. You have absolutely no idea where he has been man. Stop doing this immediately and get yourself tested!!

posts: 129   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019
id 8558999
default

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:13 AM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

I tell her shes wrong for cheatig she tells me im pushing her away qith my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8559192
default

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 3:47 AM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

she tells me im pushing her away with my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

Sigh.... typical of wayward behaviour, using DARVO.

She is trying to make herself the victim so that she can gain sympathy from everyone.

DARVO is basically a tactic that abusers use to wriggle out of the situation they caused.

Note: D(efend) A(ttack) R(everse) V(ictim) and O(ffender)

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 987   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8559208
default

anoldlion ( member #51571) posted at 7:34 AM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

When she tells you that you are pushing her away

with "emotional abuse", just tell her she pushed

you away with her "cheating abuse" and you are

just trying very hard to find your way back and

she doesn't seem to be want to help you. I do wish you

well.

posts: 713   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2016   ·   location: NC
id 8559255
default

standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 7:54 AM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

You have received a lot of good advice. It sounds like the MC is doing what a MC is supposed to do, which is explain and referee and educate between spouses while they work through their marital issues.

But, I'm going to have to echo another posters words.

Some sex offenders date/have affairs with women with children - and it isn't because they want the woman.

Your wife is involved with and pining for a man who is "not safe for family". She needs IC, not MC, and you need to be extremely cautious about your children, more than you realize.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 50’s)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 50’s)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8559261
default

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 8:20 AM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

I tell her shes wrong for cheatig she tells me im pushing her away qith my "emotional abuse" if being mad at her for cheating.

OP, with respect to you, I know you're hurting.

The answer to that is "so what?"

You said earlier she lies. Now this. Trying to talk her back to behave herself likely isn't going to work. Maybe nothing you do can make her behave herself. Sorry man.

posts: 453   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8559265
default

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:54 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

I agree with everything u guys are saying. I dont think shes talking to him like i think she is. But who knows? I saw on her computer 2 days ago she was searching youtube for him... his name...i confronted her about it and she said sorry ofourse. She was thinking about him.....yeah...thats my problem. Im plan b. Number 2. Then 2 days ago she said she "accidentally" sent him a ? Text....yep she admitted to it. Said it was an accident lol. Whatever. Shes obviously still oodling over this guy and she tells me shes trying.... but the truth is, if i cheated on her and was truly remorseful over my actions, i would be on my knees begging for forgiveness. And i would take any "emotional abuse" she threw at me. I wouldnt blame her for sabotaging the marriage like she does to me either. She actually slapped me twice yesterday lol. So f'ed up to think that my wife has literally changed into this person i no longer know.

My kids are going camping with my parents for the week, and i think shes planning on going somewhere else to stay for a few days. It will be hard, i will be lonely, and i will have a mass of emotions i will have to deal with, but i have to deal with it. I have to move on. Maybe she will start to realize whats actually happening. Most likely not...

Again you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all the knowledgable input from peoplenwhi have walked down this path.

I have kicked a heroin habbit. Been clean for 13 years. I have restarted my life in a different state thousands of miles away from my family with 10 dollars in my pocket. I have gone from a high school drop out to making 6 figures. I have done a lot of hard things in my life...but i think divorce and infidelity tops them all....stay strong people.

Learning how to be single again after 15 years will be hard. Sitting in a quiet house alone will be hard. But i guess life goes on.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:56 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8559360
default

Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

She's still pursuing the other man. That sucks royally.

Start splitting assets now. Get her name off of everything that you want to keep. You have a lot of work to do to get free from her. While everyone's away, make lists of everything that needs to be done toward getting free. Outline and put in order your plan of action. Don't hesitate and don't turn back. Continue to move toward freedom. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Thankfully, you have options and can get away from it. Take your life back and never look back. I wish the best for you.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8559381
default

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 4:57 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

Subverted, I'm sorry that things have not been going well.

Learning how to be single again after 15 years will be hard. Sitting in a quiet house alone will be hard

It may not be easy, but it was a big help for me to change my focus. Instead of focusing on how you are losing your M, focus on what you are gaining. You will no longer be stuck with a lying, cheating spouse. You can find someone who is worthy of you.

I saw on her computer 2 days ago she was searching youtube for him... his name...i confronted her about it and she said sorry ofourse. She was thinking about him.....yeah...thats my problem. Im plan b. Number 2. Then 2 days ago she said she "accidentally" sent him a ? Text....yep she admitted to it.

No, she didn't admit to what she is doing. She is still lying and minimizing. Everything you describe from your WW shows that she is NOT worthy of your efforts at R. She is making no effort of her own. And she continues to lie and try to gaslight you. Start the 180 today and hire an attorney. Stop wasting your time with this person.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8559384
default

Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

She actually slapped me twice yesterday

You need to call the cops when she does this. DV goes both ways and the laws apply to men and women. And be careful, she sounds like the type to call them on you with a trumped up DV claim.

Seriously, subverted; you need to get away from this craziness.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:18 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8863   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8559394
default

Rockeater ( member #53578) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

If I am reading all this correctly, I sense danger to you and your children. You are dealing with an ex-con sex offender, the most vile type of person anywhere.

Run.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8559429
default

Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 6:26 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

Sorry if this is too blunt....

But have you filed yet?

She is NOT close to being a candidate for R!!!!

She is still head over heels for the other guy. PLUS, she is stil in communication with him. Can she explain way things are taking 3 to 4 times as long as they should????

Do yourself a Favor, get out as quickly as you can!!!

The sooner you get away from her, the quicker you will heal.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what you must look the man in the mirror in the eye!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 679   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8559435
default

Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 6:29 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

If you haven’t filed yet, what would she have to do in order for you to say, “That’s it!! That is the straw that has broken the camel’s back!”????

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 679   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8559438
default

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 7:19 PM on Thursday, July 9th, 2020

Your WW slapped you, twice. I don't know why you would put a lol after that, it's domestic violence, and not acceptable.

You say she was searching for him on YouTube, did she find him? Maybe she left him a message in the comments, where's there a will there a way.

If she's leaving then she should be going to her parents. Don't fund her staying in a hotel where the OM could possibly join her.

posts: 954   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8559473
default

Dyokemm ( member #40254) posted at 6:14 PM on Friday, July 10th, 2020

Still hasn’t come clean on the extent of the A (a snowball’s chance in hell that this wasn’t a full PA)......

Blaming you for her cheating......

Still pining for and contacting the sex offender POSOM......

There is simply nothing to work with here in terms of R......I don’t give a damn how much ‘love bombing’ she is doing about wanting to stay married to you, etc.

Fire for D......

Possibly, that will wake her up that you are dead serious about leaving her.......and to the fact that her life as she knows it is about to come crashing down around her ears.

posts: 440   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2013
id 8559992
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy