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Just Found Out :
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

I agree Free..

I have given this woman so much extra...the NC has been working. Like i said, i am climbing out of this mental greyness thats been plaguing me for months now...i can feel real healing taking place. I know there will be many obstacles and stumbles along the way, however.

She again sent me another email this morning, saying her car battery is again dying...

Again, i will not write back as there is no reason too. It gets me mo where..i wint give anymore of my selfworth to this woman that has already taken so much. I find myself not thinking abkut her nearly as much since i started this strcit "no contact" diet

Yes, the future holds a lot of issues...the house, kids school, where i will live, what she will drive, how much of my 401k she will get, how much home equity she will get...but if i concentrate on the future it causes immense anxiety. If i concentrate on the past, it causes immense depression...nothing good comes out of that sitsuation..all i can do, is focus on today.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am so sorry for all the new posters on this forum. I wish you were not here...things will get better, even tho u are 100 percent certain they will not.

Ive learned a lot abkut myself these last 8 months..very very valuable. I feel my freedom coming back...my individualism coming back.. i will do my best not to falter.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8616755
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:28 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

Timely words. Future and past cause issues.

Live in the present for now. I remember that anxiety driven overwhelming feeling as I too was facing Divorce.

I just put one foot in front of the other and faced each day. Didn’t look too far ahead.

Eventually you realize there is some peace and normalcy. You aren’t wondering if the cheating spouse is cheating b/c you just don’t care. Your healing is a top priority.

Glad to see such progress. Best holiday wishes to you. Reflect on all you have learned and accomplished.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8616759
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KatieKat ( member #16690) posted at 3:34 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

You will make it!! Happy Holidays to you and your kids!

one of the lucky ones

posts: 273   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8616763
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JadedByItAll ( member #60042) posted at 11:19 PM on Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

she claims im being very selfish because i am leaving her hanging by not speaking to her or giving her money for presents or a xmas tree

Tell her to get off her lazy butt and get a job. Either that, or ask her boyfriend(s) for money.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2017
id 8616955
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:24 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

I agree with Jaded. She needs to learn that things are not handed to people. If she needs more money, go earn it. That is what the rest of us do. She is trying to show selflessness, saying she wants to take care of her children, but in reality, she is showing that she is selfish, as she isn't willing to do any work and wants OP to take care of it for her.

Subverted, congratulations for keeping your focus on the future. IMO, that is the best thing a BS can do, especially if D has been the decision.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8617068
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 12:57 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Subverted, have you considered blocking her and only communicating with her via a parenting app? This would virtually eliminate those vitriol-filled texts.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8864   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8617074
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Yes she is blocked from my phone, as well as all social media.

However...when she emails me, even tho she is blocked, it still goes to my spam box. I have not replied to any of her emails or "calls for help". But i still find myself checking my darn spam box!!

Again. No contact has worked. Even tho i want to tell her to get a job, fix her car, ask a boyfriend...i cant..because it will not get me anywhere. Again, nothing good comes from speaking to her.

I have even been lucky enough to have grandma do the kid exchange every other week. That will be changing soon, since they are moving for the winter...so i will just have to keep communication to minimum and just a hi/bye for child exchange.

I do have a lot of anxiety for this, but again. No need to over think here. It is what it is. We are divorcing. She needs to know i am no longer a resource for her. But i also have to be able to co parent successfully.

In the end, i hope me ignoring her does not haunt me i the trial. I havnt been ignoring her, but for the last 2 weeks...out of my own sanity. Ive helped her too much, a lot of friends and fanily say...

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8617098
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Ignoring her should have no bearing on the outcome of the trial. So long as you're doing your part as a parent, that is all you need to do.

After grandma leaves for the winter, are there any other family members who could lead interference for the child exchange?

Kudos to you for staying NC!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8864   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8617103
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 12:35 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Hello everyone,

Hope you all had a good holiday. Up until today, I have not spoken with my WS in 7 weeks.

However today... Shit got real. Very real. Very Concerning.

I decided I was going to have to go there to get some paperwork, as well as a few winter clothes items. I called her before coming but she didn't

answer so I left a message. I had my girlfriend with me to video tape incase she started to get physical or wanted to call the police and lie about me being physical. I also called the local fuzz and let them know what I was doing beforehand. Made sure that since I am still locked out of the house I pay the mortgage on, I was legally allowed to enter. They said I am, and if the door is locked I can kick it down if I have too. I notified my lawyer as well.

Anyways, I get there, no ones home. I text her, she said she is "dealing with a "situation" and she will be home soon to let me in. Constantly telling me I MUST warn her before I come. (its my house silly WS, I don't actually have to warn anyone)

Anyways, 25 mins or so go by and she pulls in. I had already told her I had my GF with me. She pulls up next to my car I say hey whats up, she looks at me and says we need to talk in private. So I get out and go over to the passenger side door. I notice RIGHT AWAY, her face is swollen, she has a black eye, and a strangle ring around her neck...I lose it, I know she has been seeing a man from church and she said back in November to me that she saw some red flags with him and they had already had some arguments. She said he was going to school to be a pastor and that he cant really just leave to visit her... I knew something sounded fishy way back then, but rly didn't care because I just don't care anymore... I raise my voice to her and say "DID HE DO THIS TOO YOU?" she told me she had called the cops and that she already made a police report.

Wow.... I am shocked. didnt know anyone was even staying there, I have been NO CONTACTING HER for WEEKS!

So.... She lets us in the house, but really didn't want to. We walk in... My girl turns on the video camera because WS is getting pissed. She shoves my GF on video and keeps telling us to get out, she said her "lawyer" ( I don't think she has one) wrote a motion that apparently states I cannot go into my own house Anyways, that gets broken up, she tucks tail and goes outside while me and my girl walk thru the house to collect my items. My mind is racing right now since I found out the man that punched my WS in the face has been staying there for a month or so. With my kids. My kids also told me that she also leaves my youngest there alone with this man, when she takes them to school in the morn.... I'm fuming, but keeping my cool. Not once did I lose it.

I get what I need and go outside. She is sitting in the van, and she drives away.

I get into my girls car, and try to comprehend what just happened and I am shocked to see the condition of the house. She had beer and alcohol bottles all over. The house was TRASHED!!! She still does not have a job even though I have been gone for 6 months. There is really no excuse. Paint missing off some walls, cats everywhere, and she has also been smoking cigs in the bedroom....

As my girl and I sit in the car trying to breath, I get a text message....But it was from a very very familiar number. A unique one. One that triggers PTSD to this day. Her original AP....

He sends me some pictures of a guy with a gun... Another one of the same guy standing behind what looks to be my WS's ass. More of him toting guns....

I call the number. My WS AP, was being sent texts from my WS new boyfriend. He fills me in on everything that has happened in the last few days. He tells me he is sorry for what he did, he crossed the bro code and he felt terrible about that. This was my life sworn enemy I was speaking to... The man who helped tear up my family of 13 years... But, he told me the jist.

He began telling me, that this guy and my WS got in an argument a few days ago. WS's boyfriend was pissed and jealous because she was talking to her old AP. So the new boyfriend basically held her hostage and beat her up for 2 days. One of the nights my kids were there....He told me this guy was in a gang, and got released from a halfway house recently. (that explains what my WS said back in Nov. about his living situation) He told me that he told her that if she called the cops he will shoot up my house. He has been threatening my WS's AP for a few days. He goes on to tell me also that my WS told him to call the cops, and he did. He basically helped me out a lot today... And I actually thanked him. He even said, he was very sorry for what he did, he made a mistake, and that my WS was like talking to a wall.. She's stupid and just not worth fucking up his life over and having me after him.. He gave me the cops number as well as the new BF's number...

Life's strange aint it? Just wait, it gets

worse....

I leave and as I am leaving I pass the fuzz that is responding to the call. I get a few emails from my WS. She tells me that he is a great guy, that loves Jesus (my WS got really into church because of this guy...She is a very impressionable person... A follower..) and he has a personality flaw that makes him act like that. She said all those pictures are old and he had changed his ways.... She told me that he is very very good with the kids, and that he was even going to be a third grade teacher....She even told me that I need to stop harassing her, and that she is going to date and I need to get over it!!! (she literally thinks this, she is living in some alternate world... Did she forget I have not spoken a word or sentence to her in 7 weeks because I am moving on with my life?) More gaslighting and such was also thrown into the mix, as well as calling ME a liar

I hear all of this, and I am fuming. I dont know what to do. I have the kids right now until next Friday. No way I am letting them go back to that house. There isnt even any hot water right now because she has not paid the propane company. I got an email saying the electrical will be turned off because again, not paid! I just sent her half of our $3000 dollar stim check... Out of the niceness of my heart. Because I knew she needed it, and half was actually hers... All I got was a thank you email. (this was a few weeks ago) There is no reason for my children not to be able to take a warm shower...

Once I get home, I'm still trying to process this. My girl is so good, she hugs me and helps me cope.

I get another text from the AP again. This time it's the new boyfriend screen shoting what my WS said to him said in a text messege... He is trying to piss off my WS's old AP... The texts is my WS saying that she did not press charges against him, and that she loved him and knows it was a mistake.

So... Now I am in child protective mode. I fill in my lawyer of the happenings. We have a meeting 2morrow. We are both very concerned about the safety of the kiddoes. I spoke with my daughter who is not quite yet a teenager, and asked her if she heard mommy and her bf fighting at night... She said for 2 nights in a row, she heard them fighting and mommy crying. Her little eyes started to well up and so did mine. I'm sick to my stomach now... I could careless about my WS's down-spiraling life, but now she's bringing down my kids, and also putting them in extreme danger... Good thing its not her decision to press charges but the prosecutors..

So yah.. This is my world now. Wish me luck.

[This message edited by subverted at 12:30 AM, February 11th (Thursday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625328
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 1:28 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Good luck. The children do Not go back whilst his add is there! End of story. Supervised visits. She is in a abusive relationship and she thinks that he will change after every beating.

This man is a coward and needs to be kicked out.

Release the dogs of war (legally) on his ass.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1223   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8625343
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:54 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Thanks Buff. Plan too.

Meeting lawyer 2morrow. hes concerned.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625350
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:57 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Subverted,

You wrote, my daughter who is not quite yet a teenager

Makes me sick to think a pre-teen is around a man who beats women, the current OM sounds like a top shelf piece of shit manipulator. Anticipate that he will begin to groom you daughter, you need to speak to her.

OM sounds like a sadist, OMG!

posts: 1154   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8625357
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 4:50 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

The part that eats me up so bad.... is that now my young daughter is at that very crucial tough stage. And I told her what this "nice godly man" as my WS puts it, did to her mother. And she told me alllll about it. She heard it. How am I supposed to approach that. Counseling? absolutely.. but I think me and my lady friend are going to really take this by the horns and really make this home im at feel like a normal family lives here. sit down dinners, game night, a schedule. Thats what my kids are used to. Thats what we are planning on giving them. I cannot imagine come next child exchange, letting my kiddoes go stay in that hell hole of a home...

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625372
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:18 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Please let her know that people who act like this aren't Christians. They are wolves in sheep's clothing that come to devour the flock.

Christian means being Christ-like. This behavior in no way is Christian.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1174   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8625374
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 11:23 AM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Perhaps talk to your lawyer about getting an emergency custody’s order. Her environment can be considered dangerous for your children.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3412   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8625438
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:37 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

I agree with Stevesn. If your daughter heard the abuse, and is in fear (which it seems she is), you may be able to get an emergency PO against OM, and ask the judge for an emergency custody order. I know the law doesn't move quickly, especially during COVID, but you should see what you can do. Maybe contact CFS and file a report that your daughter was in the situation and ask them to open a case and do inspections. They will note the living situation (messy house won't affect custody but it would be good to have it documented by the gov't).

I'm praying for your kids. Good luck.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8625459
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:59 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

does the video you GF took show the abuse marks on your WW? the condition of the house? - Bring that too.

Consider getting your DD's a phone and not telling your WW about it. It's sad but I've seen so many cases where the courts order the kids to go back. Prepare for that. Make sure they know they do not need to stay in the house to protect their Mom.

Sounds like OM1 is saying...yes I caused this but now that I've seen how messed up she is and her situation is I'd like to give her and her problems back to you. - Focus on the kids and getting them away from her... now is the time.

Maybe contact CFS and file a report that your daughter was in the situation and ask them to open a case and do inspections.

Do this while your WW still has the marks on her and the house is a mess. They change things so that your WW only gets supervised vistion or visitation without OM2. They can look at OM record and get a GAL involved in the case.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:04 AM, January 15th (Friday)]

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8625462
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ExiledfromNY ( new member #74229) posted at 2:21 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

I’m a paralegal who does a fair amount of family law. Based on what you said, and have observed, you have more than enough to get full temporary custody of the kids.

There’s no hot water, alcohol abuse, physical violence, yelling, fighting, general disorder in the house. I think you could get full custody and then let her get her ass in gear and prove she can be a positive stable influence. You’re a good father. I know you don’t want them exposed to this instability.

Factum est illud; fieri infectum non potest

posts: 14   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2020   ·   location: New England
id 8625467
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Waggingthedog ( member #65793) posted at 5:33 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Dear Subverted,

I commented on your thread some time ago and rarely comment in general. Again, while I am an attorney, please do not consider this as legal advice. You have gotten legal advice. Follow only that legal advice.

Part of my last comment was:

Second, there is a strong possibility you're going to have to take full custody of your kids, at least at some point. Her father has a past that might involve sex crimes. No judge in their right mind wants to put kids in that situation. So if she goes to live with dad... Second, no judge wants to give custody to a woman that's in love with a convicted child molester. It's just not done.

Even if your wife gets custody of some sort, my guess is she is going to blow it up. And badly. Your kids will be scared in this. You may have a long fight on your hands.

The reason I say this is that you need to get away from her for your kids sake. It's just not possible to stay. She's dangerous. She's dangerous to you and dangerous to your kids.

When this starts to go south for her... And it will... Expect false claims. It's all she will have left. Her boyfriend will likely inform her how to do it. A lot of guys on here need to keep a VAR on them at all times, but you it's not even an option. She's dangerous. One false rape or assault allegation and bam, you're in jail too and fighting and uphill battle. Seriously. I have seen this actually happen.

Don't get near her. Your kids need you

I just want to underline this. Your WW is not just someone that would be in an affair... she is downright dangerous. To you. To your kids.

You need to get every piece of evidence to your attorney. Also, get the former AP - the one that texted you - to contact your attorney. Perhaps the attorney will want to have him execute an affidavit or some other thing that will allow his part of the story to be shared with the courts. His reasons are his own, but he is an important witness on what is going on. Also, make sure you new GF and that video get to the lawyer's office as well.

Your lawyer will likely want a copy of the police report that your ex had on the OM, but if he can't get it maybe you should if you can.

I say this is all seriousness - and I know that we only hear one side of the story - but the situation you are talking about it beyond dangerous for your children. You have to keep yourself safe from false DV or other charges, so continue having witnesses and recording. You have to keep your children safe.

To that end, please get them into child therapy immediately. Your lawyer will probably know one. A child therapist will also be able to testify in your custody case should it come to that. The sooner you can accomplish this, the better.

Your WW is in Lala land, and what she is doing is both self centered and destructive. You need to have this documented now for your kid's sake.

A lot of time in divorce, people use the kids as bargaining chips - something to win.

This is not that situation.

This is - if your side is accurate - a situation where your kids are legitimately in danger. This isn't bargaining or one-ups mans hip. This is a situation where you legitimately need to follow your lawyers advice an advocate for your children through the lawyer.

Again, not legal advice. Talk to your attorney. Get everything you can to the attorney. Get a witness list to the attorney.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2018
id 8625599
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 8:27 PM on Friday, January 15th, 2021

Do everything you can to protect those kids.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8625631
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