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Just Found Out :
is this real?

Topic is Sleeping.

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:22 AM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Brother stop fixing her car, she has chosen a felon over her family. Made her bed now gets to sleep in it.

Just as you said take it easy in the new relationship. When you get frustrated with STBX, communicate with your frustrations with your new beau. You don’t want let it interfere there.

Take care of the little ones they are your #1 priority.

One day at a time.


posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8598833

WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:12 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I have just read your thread, and I’m so sorry you are having to experience all of this.

I wanted to say a couple of things that I hope you will not interpret as criticizing. Lord knows this is hard enough without that!

Your comment:

I love it when she tells me things like "I cant believe she had you and let you go" or "YOU are an AMAZING, SEXY man". A little boost for me when i am in my depression haze phase. I have only known her for 6 or 7 weeks but it feels like years. We talk and laugh a lot. She listens to me ferociously. She is interested in my activities. She wants to try the things I enjoy.She loves to see me in my element.

I know the feeling of not having ANY positive / complimentary interaction for long periods of time, but these things from this new lady do not NECESSARILY indicate feelings for you or a “good match”. Could be, but these are things that people say / do at the start of a relationship, and I would hate for you to rely on it.

My hope for you is that you are exactly right - y’all are crazy about each other and you are a perfect match. But too much too soon is not recommended. Now it will be most helpful for you to work on you - maybe some of those shortcomings you have so honestly referenced.

If you do that, then you will have a much better chance for a truly successful relationship with this woman, or another even better one down the road.

Also, while risking diving into the “so not my business” area, sex with your STBXW is not advisable on 2 counts. First of all, obviously it keeps you connected as opposed to working toward being separate. (Physically and emotionally).

Also, in some places, (I have no idea about Michigan) sleeping with an unfaithful spouse can be considered “forgiving “ the indiscretion and can “restart the clock.” Not sure if that is true for Michigan and your specific situation.

Best wishes for you, friend. You are well on your way to a better future - that you deserve.

BTW...great job looking after your kiddos’ needs so well. It’s all about priorities, isn’t it?

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8192   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8598891

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 2:58 PM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Thanks again for the kind words and critical advice. I heed them.

Still chugging along. Very hard. Depression hits hard. Being away from my kids is a huge adjustment.

Lots of other stress to. Mostly over the unknown. When i got this divorce no one thought it could be done, but i knew it had to be. Im on a roller coaster that no one is running, im blind. I don't know where ill be in a month, 4 months, a year....figuring out bills and daycare during the covid era is hard enough. Just some more hurdles i will have to overtake in the process.

Come december, my parents who watch my 4 year old while im at work will be retiring and leaving fir florida. I dont want them to stress about my sitsuation even tho they are. They worked hard for this moment in their lives and i want them to have it. I need my WW to get a she can handle the utilities at my house and i can at my parents when they day care.

I went to the house yesterday bc we heat with wood only. She sent me a text, me and the kids r i had to. I did. I brought some firewood from the back up for her and some kindling so she can actually get a fire started lol...shes never done any of this always me. On my way out she stood at the door wtaching me leave, only to text me, "lookin good" and a few broken heart if she thinks im her property and she deserves my intimacy. No way....its 1 thing to want out of a marriage, but mine was just going along as planned and boom d day....i didnt want to leave, but when i realised that she didnt want me, she needed me, i was out. Hard thing to do. Its like suiciding your marriage in a way. But like i said, i deserve better and you guys taught me this. And so did new girl. We still are taking it slow. No sex yet. We have fooled around a lot however. I like her, we have a pretty good realationship atm and im just doing it 1 day at a time.

Thanks guys,

Hang in there. It will be worth the wait.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:06 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8599136

reborn07 ( member #71226) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

good morning subverted. you’ve covered a lot of ground in a few months. it sucks, but depression, fear of the unknown and trying to adjust to new hurdles are part of the process for pretty much anyone thats ever had to walk in your shoes, but the longer you wear them the lighter they’ll get. it’s all part of healing and moving forward. if she’s gonna sink her boat because she won’t do her part, don’t let her sink yours too... somebody’s gotta hold everything together, don’t let her drag you down with her. how’s the divorce coming along?

posts: 65   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8599153

KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 3:12 AM on Monday, October 19th, 2020

Subverted, it sounds like your finances are separated now. Is that the case?

What part of the world is she living in? It’s going to get colder. What are her plans for staying warm all winter?

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8599337

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:20 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

We are in michigan. Not sure what her plan is. My plan is to have her out of the house by then, and sell asap.

Ive been having a lot of depression and mixed feelings lately. Feelings that i was not a very good husband and i shiuld tell WW i am sorry that and i recognize that, but i just cannot forgive what she did. Feelings like i should go back and try later down the road. Feelings like me and her are soul mates. I am missing the cheater and its becoming an issue.

My new realationship also throws fire into the fray too. Because now even tho we have been taking it slow,and i had warned her upfront before we dated, of my sitsuation..she is very attached to me. She has some bagge in her life as afraid of letting her go because i dont want to hurt her..and i dont even know if i want to let her go.... very confusing time for me...and now i feel like i drug her into the mix...even tho i had warned her. Ive spent every day with her this week. (My off week

Was thinking of taking the kids trick or treating with WW this year...probably not a good idea, just want there to be peace between us so the kids can see that. Also dont want the kids tonhave hopes of us getting back together either....

Very hard, dark, confusing times right now. Very hard.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8600770

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 1:25 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Yup. And to make it worse, even here you’ll get conflicting advice.

You need to get to brass tacks. Even if you don’t hike set aside four hours and go for a hike. Leave your phone in the car, people were hiking before phones were even invented.

You need to melt away those problems that live in your head.

posts: 1781   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8600771

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:45 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Sharkman offers an excellent idea: get out for some alone-time where you can mull your situation over and maybe come up with 1-2 action-plans to improve something.

Fact is you dig yourself out of a hole one shovel at a time.

Right now it’s like you have decided to tear away the bandage and you have loosened it so its hovering somewhere like an eight of an inch above your skin – but is still attached to the hairs.

If you can then put your new relationship on hold. Be honest – tell her that for the next 30 days you want to focus on resolving your marriage and getting the divorce process further along. Then do that process.

One shovel at a time, one bite of the elephant.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8600778

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:55 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Thanks guys.

I feel like everything im doing is wrong. All of the sudden...being away from WW feels wrong?


Why does my new realationship all of the sudden feel "wrong"?

I agree i need to focus on myself and my children more so then i even have been. Myself. I am very stubborn. I forget to take care of myself and i feel myself slipping mentally and physically.

I guess this is my support group, and i want one of you guys to call me an idiot and get my head back in the game!!

Why all these emotions?!?!?!

Why do i feel like i need to apologize to WW, forgive what she did, and maybe go back into marriage counseling?!?! Wtf!!

At very least im trying to live day to day. And telling myself that divorce is happening, because it is. That does not mean we are over. We still love each other. We still want each other. She just changed. She wasnt always like the way she is now. I feel like deep down she alwaya maybe wanted to be single...but wanted to play the mother wife roll as well. Somethings changed mentally for her. She didnt always cheat. I was a dick to her a lot for unwarranted reaaons and i feel badly about it. I feel like i want to be with her but just cant forgive what she did..

Wake up!!!!

[This message edited by subverted at 8:04 AM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8600783

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:56 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Not going to call you an idiot for any amount of money, ...well if it was enough money I would split it with you.....but.....

I will just say watch out with the new lady, she might not be who you think she is, she might even be a copy of your WW or worse. People can act like great human beings when they sense someone useful to them is vulnerable.

posts: 1456   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8600818

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Everything is going to feel wrong to you. This is just the way humans are. You are built to go into flight or fight mode when uncertainty is presented to you. Beyond the mental mindfuckery your body fills up with hormones that effectively provide stimulus. This is why when you're like this, and even if you don't move all day, you're completely beat at the end of the day.

Get those hormones under control. That's why I suggested a hike. It'll help work those out of the system and the solitude of the hike will help clarify some of the mental.

You're a victim of abuse. You need to be triaged just as if you were beaten in the streets or got bit by a snake. As bigger said, one shovel at a time. Trying too much will just prolong the death spiral that you're in.

Oh, and get angry and stay angry. Angry is looked at as a bad emotion, but you SHOULD be angry. It'll clarify and help create definition on the issue. Now don't use that anger in a negative way, but use it positively.

posts: 1781   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8600839

reborn07 ( member #71226) posted at 4:57 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

why all the emotions? because your life was thrown into a tailspin a few months ago. you need time to heal so you can make rational decisions without your heart getting in the way. if you have doubts about whether or not you can get past this, it’s not time to make that choice yet. you need time. there’s no cookie cutter way to handle this situation because everyone’s circumstances are different. you can take the blame for not being perfect if you want, but not being perfect doesn’t warrant being completely screwed over and lied to (about the most important thing marriage is based on). you need to work on yourself as an individual and slowly and carefully decide when it’s time for her or someone else to be in your life. just my opinion, but i still think you’re going in the right direction. just try to take a little time to breathe and clear your head, you need more time to lick your wounds.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2019   ·   location: georgia
id 8600870

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 12:57 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Thanks again for all the kind words I have some groundbreaking news today and I think this is why I had the intuition all week of something rotten goin on

I found out that on Wednesday my ex wives boyfriend was released from jail not sure why I tried calling her she blocked all my calls once I got ahold of her she told me she was locked out of the house and needed me to stop by and open the door for her. She also told me that she had the kids with her.

In reality the kids were with her mother and she brought them there on Wednesday so she could pick her boyfriend up from jail. She lied to her mother and said the kids do not have school on Thursday or Friday which indeed they did. I have all of these texts from her and her mother and record as well as the attendance record from school showing that there was indeed classes those days. This is not the 1st time that she refused to take them to school it is the 5th the last instant and she did not take them because she was dope sick she could not get hearse the Box on script filled on time.

But wait there's more.

She had her new boyfriend come into my house and add a dead bolt to the door that I have a key to. She has now locked me out of my house completely.

I told my lawyer this and we will work through it. I'm trying my best this week not to go to her house because I know I will lose My temper.

I am furious as I have ever been but I am taking the high road here and letting her blow down her house of cards.

There's not much I can do about this guy since he is not technically a child molester but a statutory rapist.

Very hard times. But i hope this helps me in court.

[This message edited by subverted at 6:58 AM, October 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8601197

M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 1:18 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

She had her new boyfriend come into my house and add a dead bolt to the door that I have a key to. She has now locked me out of my house completely.

Advice is often given to betrayed spouses to change the locks on their house so that their wayward spouses cannot get in. Forum regular Bigger always chimes in to say that such action is illegal, and that during his work in law enforcement he often had to deal with this, and it resulted in the person who changed the locks being taken to task.

Compounding this is that the guy who did it just got out of jail on Wednesday, and he is already committing illegal acts in homes that do not belong to him, which is something you and your lawyer may want to pursue.

As you say, though, all of your wife's delinquent behaviour will work against her in court.

posts: 1268   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8601203

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:44 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

I will say

He allegedly put the lock on. I know she didnt. Its professionally routered into the door jam. She dosnt have the money to pay a locksmith.

She did it knowing he was getting out of jail. So i couldnt enter the home.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8601208

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:47 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

The last post is serious.

You say your attorney is on the issue. Let him deal with it. You are 100% correct in staying away for now and not contacting your wife.

To me the key issue is the lying about the kids.

When couples divorce the amicable co-parents tend to be flexible on things like this. If one parent cant manage some days they switch or help out. Often the arrangement even stipulates that the other parent has first call when changes need to be made. In your case your wife used her mom, lied to you and took the kids out of school. If nothing else it shows her priorities – her BF tops her kids needs.

The deadbolt issue…

What does your separation agreement stipulate?

How long have you been out of the house?

The general rule is that you can’t be locked out of your own home and that CAN be considered abuse. However – if the agreement is that it’s her residence and you live elsewhere there can be an expectation of privacy – as in you aren’t allowed free access and need to knock on the door before entry.

If there is no formal agreement stipulating that the house is her home and if your residence is still at that address, then AT THE VERY LEAST you can demand a key to the deadbolt. In fact you could legally call a locksmith and have the lock drilled out.

However… Let your attorney handle this. This can be gold for your divorce settlement.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8601209

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:54 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Yes. Attourney said that what she has done with the locks is contempt of court.

Hes a busy man, but has all the info. I also have texts and time stampsof her telling me she had the kids, and her mom telling me she had the kids, the same day and time. She took them to her parents the day the fellon was released from jail...hint hint.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8601211

KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 5:17 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Subverted-- Well, you were wavering a day ago. I believe you might know where her allegiance is from here on out. I'll just second Bigger's advice. Stay away from her, don't confront on the bolt issue except through legal channels, and do whatever you can to keep her jailbird b/f from meeting your children. This is a very dangerous position she's put your children in. I would be pushing for 100% custody if it is at all a viable option.

Treat her as an adversary. She IS one. She declared herself unconditionally by these actions. "Don't believe anything she says" is a good standard operating procedure now.

Good luck man. I'm concerned.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 11:26 AM, October 23rd (Friday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8601341

 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:34 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I think my wavering was just due to me wanting to apologize to her for feeling like I was a bad husband.

Thats over now. Because shit has hit the fan.

Like I said, she lied to me and her mother, about where the kids were and keeping them from school to pick up her boyfriend.

I spoke with my lawyer before I actually said or did anything.

I have her lies caught in text messeges.

I am about 99% sure it was the sex offender/home invading boyfriend that she had put the deadbolt on MY front door. I think she had him do it the day he got out so he would have somewhere to stay. She text me that day looking back, asking where I I know why. They didn't wanna get caught in the act so they put a deadbolt on, which is against court order. It is my house I am allowed to come and go as I please. And I have always treated her with respect as to telling her when I was coming over.

I went there and took a few things of mine, and took a few pictures of the dead bolt.

She found out and sent me a number of threatening messages telling me i stole her stuff, and stay out of my house, called me a stalker, she even went as low as saying she feels "unsafe" said she was getting a PPO. She threatened me with "I got an attorney now!!

I have a very nice threatening voicemail as well.

Called my lawyer and he ended up calling her and explaining to her that what I did was within my legal boundaries. The things in my house are mine, the house is mine. I can take what I want and if she has an issue then that needs to come up in divorce court. He also contacted the lawyer that she claims to have had, and said she is lying. She only spoke with him and did not retain him.

I told her mother about all of her lies.

She got very upset that I spoke with her mother. Her mother is now saying she cannot stay at their house, so I am being blamed and she is saying that I am "deframating her character" her No honey, the things you are doing is true. Cheating on your husband with a sex offender and blowing up your nice little family, selling your dirty panties online, having a "show all" Instagram, using a porn name email address, this is all you. This is all true. You did this to yourself.


Right now I am holding back with all of my strength the urge to call this guy and ask him if he installed a dead bolt on my house. I know he wont admit to it and it wont get me anywhere. I don't want her back. I am happy with what I have. Her true colors have shown once again.

She also is trying to say I did not fully pay her child support. I owe her a certain amount per month. I have receipts. Awhile back she asked for some money for my sons birthday party, I purchased all of the items for the party and invitations were done by me. So I gave her 100 bucks back in mid october. I added this to the child support. She is claiming I gave her it as a gift. Lawyer said, If i paid her the full amount, then im good. Which I did. She was just mad her last payment on Friday was 100 dollars short. Lets not forget that I was overpaying her for 4 months before the CS litigation anyways. Lets not forget all of the things I am still paying for, for her. The house, Her car, Her insurance (she got a 10 over speeding ticket the other day, hoping since we are divorcing that it does not raise my rate)

A day after she threatens me, she asks me if I can bring some firewood over cause its "so cold" I said no. You said you feel unsafe around me, so I am not going anywhere near that house. Don't trust her.

UHGGG the stress. Thanks for letting me dump my plate of crap onto the forums. So much baggage I should be at an airport.

New girl is really helping me out a lot. I think if it weren't for her I would have really gotten confrontational with this man. First you have sex with my wife, then you come into my house that's in MY name and install a deadbolt on MY DOOR!!!

Taking the high road here. Hoping this works out in my favor. Trying to stay silent and not even talk to WW, Unless I have too.

Thanks guys,


[This message edited by subverted at 7:39 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8602110

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:12 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Keep moving forward. You are doing the right stuff! Do not engage with her. Do not let her manipulate or bait you into doing something that will drag you down or hurt you in the D process. No contact. Your WW will continue to spiral. Be watchful for your children. Your WW can not be trusted. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:50 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8602119
Topic is Sleeping.
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