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Newest Member: InkHulk

Just Found Out :
is this real?

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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 4:20 AM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

I think I have what I need. Pulled out the cash.

Going to war for my kids. Willing to do whatever it takes for them not to have to see this. WW is acting like it didn't happen now. VERY bizarre. She asked me to not peruse any of this, and that he is a good man and he only had 1 slip up. She's known him for 3 months....

I did not ever in a million years think I would be here. I hope that this works out in the end and she comes to terms with what she is doing not only to her children, but herself as well.

I am speaking with my councilor 2morrow. Going to set up the same with kiddos.

I am completely beat down and heart broken for my children. This is a fathers worse nightmare. I feel completely powerless. And of course, more money. A lot of money. I don't care, I hope it is worth it. You cannot put a price on my children's safety and development.

Am I in the wrong to ask my daughter what she heard? Am I in the wrong to tell her that her mother is with a very dangerous person?

Please help. I feel like a useless person. It will heartbreak me to have to see the kids go back to that hell hole next Friday.

This circle of events is just plain brutal. Praying for my WW and my children. Keep my family in your thoughts. Please......

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625710
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:17 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Bud, I know it’s a shit show but you must remain strong. Right now you are the only one looking out for your kids. You are the sane parent.

Do everything possible to protect them. Cut any unnecessary contact with your crazy wife. You’ll find if you limit it to text or email it’ll work best. You’ll also discover you don’t need much communication. Ask yourself if you need to reply before doing so.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 9:39 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8625733
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 12:58 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

subverted, I'm so sorry about what you but especially your children are going through. I fear for your children. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Environment has a huge impact, positive and negative, on the developing brain. Counselling for them, for sure. I think there's a distinct possibility of their physical safety because I think things will escalate. Your WW is not protecting them.

Waggingthedog provided a very powerful synopsis of the situation in his initial post and the current one. As he said, although he is a lawyer, run everything through your lawyer. Use every legal means available to protect your children and yourself.

Your children and you are in my prayers.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4705   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8625736
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:30 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Keep a detailed "real time" diary of all of these events, including corroborating data such as texts, photos, receipts, even video clips of your kids. Contemporaneous diary data is the best evidence in court for custody matters where you're arguing the fitness/safety of one parent.

You're not powerless. A diary is step 1 to flexing your power.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3920   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8625755
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:01 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Pay attention to butfiorthegrace. Time lines. Texts. Phone calls. Missed visits. Everything. Your lawyer needs to be up to speed on things asap. You are not trying your ww as a criminal. You are protecting your kids. Let the judge see that. Don’t badmouth her. You have the facts to present. They will speak for themselves.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3343   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8625760
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 7:47 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

I think this board is a good journal. And its really served the purpose of a timneline.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625799
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MountainGuy ( new member #75436) posted at 10:18 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Subverted, I have nothing but sympathy for you, this is indeed every father's nightmare.

I will say this as delicately as possible: Get your children examined by a medical professional. Your spouse sounds like she would be oblivious to any sort of physical, or sexual misbehavior, on the part of this guy. He is a felon with a history of violence and drug use. Do not underestimate what he is capable of.

Get your children checked out.

Good luck man

[This message edited by MountainGuy at 4:19 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8625815
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, January 16th, 2021

Good luck 🤞 dude.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1223   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8625826
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 1:19 AM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

Thank you guys.

This makes me sick. I wish next Friday never came.

Having the kids full time is going to make my life substantially harder. But, as a father, I am willing to throw myself at it with no fear of my own well being. I will do whatever it takes to make sure my children have the childhood they had before all of this mess. And also the one they deserve. There is no price on my children.

I hope, that the judge can see this. I hope, that since I am a man I am not descriminated against. I hope, my children do not fall apart if they do not see their mother as much. She was a great mother. I dont know what has happened to her. Its saddens me deeply.

Her infidelity has all but faded from my mind. I no longer care about my feelings. I no longer care about her well being. I am no longer jealous of who she is with (that was fading fast anyway)... What I saw the other day, blew my mind. Looking at her face bruised and black, my first fleeting instinct was, "He will pay" Funny however.... Because in a split second my fatherly instinct kicked in, and the only thing on my brain from that moment until now is the well being of my kiddos.

I never, in a million years thought I would be cheated on, divorcing, and especially having to face the facts that she may not be a suitable mother. Her down spiral happened so fast I cannot fathom. Most of all I am saddened for my children. I cannot imagine them having a part time mother..... But if I have to go nuclear for them to be safe, even if its temporary, maybe just maybe, she will come back to reality and feel the gravity of earth. The gravity of what she is doing to everyone around her.

She has literally went from getting a PPO on this man to now telling me I am manipulating the situation and that she fell on a dresser... This has to be her own guilt talking.. Her thinking right away that I am going to "TAKE THE KIDS!" from her, sending me bible verses about hypocrisy... It is so strange it leaves a taste in my mouth. She has become a polar opposite person that she was 1 year ago... I cannot understand the logic here. Is she really falling for this guys manipulation or is she being threatened? Did she have a mental brake down back in May and this is the rock bottom? Does it get worse? What is she going to do when we are divorced, the house is sold since I don't want it and she cant afford it... Same with the car she drives... The house has no hot water and the electrical may be shut off soon... Then what?

Why are the texts deleted from my daughters phone? Why is there a call to my daughters phone, from her at 6am? Is my daughter not saying anything?

I am so torn. I spoke with my counselor today and she is going to be helping find a good, local therapist for them.

I hope and pray my WW finds her way...

[This message edited by subverted at 7:25 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625840
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:31 AM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

I’m so sorry for you and your children. Glad that you are able to step up. Yes it will be hard. But you will get through it.

Therapy for your children is an excellent idea too.

Your wife is the hole so deep there’s no telling what could happen next. The fact she’s being beaten by this guy /AP is horrific. And she’s doing nothing about it. How sad.

It is astonishing how someone you know for decades suddenly becomes a different person. Someone you no longer recognize. Doing and behaving in ways you never expected.

Protect yourself. I hope the Judge recognizes the severity of your situation and acts accordingly.

Prayers to you and your family. I hope your wife wakes up soon snd sees the reality of her situation.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8625842
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MountainGuy ( new member #75436) posted at 1:47 AM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

Why are the texts deleted from my daughters phone? Why is there a call to my daughters phone, from her at 6am? Is my daughter not saying anything?

Try and get those texts recovered. Talk to your lawyer he will know someone with the skills to retrieve them. This isn't about you and your wife anymore, this about your children's wellbeing.

[This message edited by MountainGuy at 9:23 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8625846
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:19 AM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

I have all the texts. I am trying to get them into PDF formats. As well as the video. I have everything. Her emails telling me that I should be concerned about the welfare of the children, and taking better care of their mother, (she wants to stay in the house and drive the car indefinitely while I pay for it, until she can pay for it...Its been 6 months and she still has not found a job.. While I commute 20 more miles 1 way every day then I would have if I stayed in the house that is in my name and I pay for. The one she is turning into a halfway house for freshly released prisoners. YES this IS real...)

As well as video of the phone call with the first AP.

I have texts from way back in October when she lied about where the kids were to me, and told her mother (who could watch them for her) that they did not have school on days that they really did, so she could pick up her first AP from jail...

I have it all. What does she have on me? Well, She may have some texts that I sent to her back when I first found out about all of this, and I was a wallowing pathetic sack of "please pick me you B*TC*!!" I said a lot of mean things to her. I am sorry for the things I have said. Some of those things, the kids may have heard. Things like "is that your boyfriend calling" "You are a cheater" and such... This is why I left the home back in July... I could not live under that roof and keep a positive attitude while seeing her fade away, in front of the kids.

I guess this is where I take my leap of faith. I am paying my attorney a lot more money then I thought I would be, and I am going to put everyone thru a whole lot of grief for a "maybe"...

I am stressed out because it may all be for nothing. The judge may not grant me anything. I may just pay my lawyer more, for nothing. I may look like a fool who in her mind "just wants to get back at her for what she did" in front of her. But most of all, I am stressed out that come next Friday, I may just have to drop my kids off back at that hell hole.

I am not sure what to expect. But one thing is for sure. No matter how much she now denies any wrong doing by him, she has bruises on her face and a string of texts to me and her old AP that this guy was hitting her.

Like I said. I hope that the judge sees this. Sees that I am trying to do what's best for now, for my kids. I hope that they have seen enough of these cases where battered women keep on going back to their abusers out of manipulation and fear. She keeps reminding me of how good of a mother she is. She used to be... Now is the time to show it again. Please. This is not about us anymore. You are very correct, and "US" is the LAST thing on my mind now. This makes her infidelity look like a sunny day in the park.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:21 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625857
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:47 AM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

And, where is reborn07 at?!?!?!

You good brother?

Man o man....

Looking back on these old posts... What a reminder to myself, of where I was then and where I am now.

I hope anyone new to this forum, especially betrayed fathers, can read my post and learn from my silly mistakes. You guys were right on almost every single aspect.

You all know who you are. Thank you for being there for a stranger. I couldn't ask for a better support group. Here we are 8 months'ish past D-Day...

[This message edited by subverted at 9:56 PM, January 16th (Saturday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625860
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 11:00 PM on Sunday, January 17th, 2021

I removed this post because it was ill worded, hastily posted, and my meanings were not properly explained. I apologize to everyone on this thread for my laziness.

I'm happy for you subverted that you've been able to get your kids out of danger and I as always wish the best for you. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 10:34 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8625960
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 subverted (original poster member #74713) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Ok. I will just let my kids stay at home with their mental mother and a gang member.

If I so was selfish, I would just move on and think of me. Guess that makes us different.

Want her back? na. Are you paying me?

As I said, Me does not really matter at this point. Guess I cant explain the feeling.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:19 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8625989
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MountainGuy ( new member #75436) posted at 3:19 AM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Also, don't fill your children's heads with fear by telling them that your WW's boyfriend is dangerous. They must live with him; don't make their trauma worse than it has to be; allow them to be blissfully ignorant for now. You're using them against your WW; not cool. Even if she deserves it your kids don't.

I'm pretty sure the boyfriend beating the crap out of their mother fills them plenty of fear and and lets them know he's dangerous with out any input from anyone else. They most certainly don't have to live with him. And again, after seeing him choke and beat their mother they are anything but blissfully ignorant.

I'm sorry but this is possibly the worst advice I've ever read. Not only are you blaming him for this situation, you're acting like having a violent felon living in close proximity to his children is no big deal and him trying to do something about is somehow wrong.

No. Just F no. There is no universe where that works.

[This message edited by MountainGuy at 9:27 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8625990
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:54 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

I have to agree with MountainGuy. I can't imagine my kids living with someone who was physically violent to their M. My XWW has a new baby daddy and my kids are OK with him. That's fine. They don't have to like him. For some reason, they think he's afraid of me. Don't know why, I am not a violent person. But if it makes things easier for my kids, that's good.

subverted's concern seems to be about protecting his children from witnessing any more violence or, heaven forbid, becoming the next victim. If this guy was capable of beating the mother, I doubt he has the moral compass to keep him from moving on to defenseless children.

Also, I think his statement of NC for 7 weeks is pretty strong evidence he is NOT trying to save his STBXWW. His reaction to her attack was normal, IMO. Regardless of their impending D, they were married for years, and she is the mother of his children. I think I would have the same reaction if someone disrespected my X that way, and especially if my children witnessed it.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8626070
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

My God, Subverted, what a turn of events. On the upside I have every belief you'll do the right thing. Some people can't be saved. Your wife has serious mental problems. She has to want to be saved. She just might be a lost cause at this point.

Do everything in your power to be a full time dad. She's proven she's a dangerous mother. Sell the house, let her go. You're a good man, Subverted, you have your priorities sorted out correctly.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8626079
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 3:03 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

She has literally went from getting a PPO on this man to now telling me I am manipulating the situation and that she fell on a dresser... This has to be her own guilt talking.. Her thinking right away that I am going to "TAKE THE KIDS!" from her, sending me bible verses about hypocrisy... It is so strange it leaves a taste in my mouth. She has become a polar opposite person that she was 1 year ago... I cannot understand the logic here. Is she really falling for this guys manipulation or is she being threatened? Did she have a mental brake down back in May and this is the rock bottom? Does it get worse? What is she going to do when we are divorced, the house is sold since I don't want it and she cant afford it... Same with the car she drives... The house has no hot water and the electrical may be shut off soon... Then what?

Brother... calm down and collect yourself. None of this is your fault, and you no longer have any responsibility towards her. She is obviously mentally ill. Combine her mental illness with her abusive relationship with the OM and her downfall is assured. If your lawyer isn't using every bit of evidence you give him to show the court that she is unfit for custody, then fire him/her and get another. Your lawyer needs to go full-on Tokyo firebombing on her and burn her to the ground.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8626087
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Dismayed2012

Also, don't fill your children's heads with fear by telling them that your WW's boyfriend is dangerous. They must live with him; don't make their trauma worse than it has to be; allow them to be blissfully ignorant for now. You're using them against your WW; not cool. Even if she deserves it your kids don't.

What the effing hell?

Did you actually write what I think you wrote? Am I seeing things?

[This message edited by Westway at 9:06 AM, January 18th (Monday)]

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8626088
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