SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your correct Dig. I will never trust her. The infidelity was enough to solidify that routine. And this puts it over the top. She lies, while calling me a liar. It is crazy...Free.... i agree....

What r u ganna do? Cant do much, but wait. Maybe the FOC will credit me for the CS... Who knows. Id rather like i said, pay her CS and be in their lifes and have my weeks off, but thats just not reality at this point. Gotta do what u gotta do..

Yep. Police Report is disgusting. I really dont like my WW, but this is too far. Never obviously wanted to see this. Its actually probably my worst nightmare. I am very, very, extreamely lucky i just happened to show up at the house THAT day in THAT moment... Literally between 2 diff officers arriving at the house. If i would have shown up when they were there, she could of said i did it. And i was affraid of this while i was there. So i was sure to make her type it in plain text, the events of what happened, in order. If i would have shown up when they were there also, we could all be in jail right now. Me, her, my gf, him.... it would have been a brawl. If i showed up a day later, i may not of known about the assault and the kids would surely be in danger.

Put it like this.

In court, she told the judge he has never stayed with the kids. Then she told the judge the night of the incident with him the kids were in bed and did NOT hear it. Then she told the judge she hit herself in the face with the phone, while trying to take it back from him. She said he took it because he thought she was cheating on him. During the court hearing, (via Zoom) she was blatantly talking to someone. When the judge asked her who she was talking to, she said herself and her cat. The judge asked her to show her room with her camera, 5 to 8 secpnds later she did. The door was wide open. Someone just left. That someone was the dude. Im pretty dang sure of it. During cross examination my lawyer really grilled her. He said he heard a mans voice in the background. She said yes, that was her friend. My lawyer asked her what his name was. She stuttered out "Reed." My lawyer asked her what Reeds last name was she said she did not know, and then said "Johnson, i think?" My lawyer said, "you let men into your home and you do not even know their last name?" No reaponse.

This is why i have custody.... she made a fool of herself. And heres where the perjury kicks in.... A few days after the hearing i got ahold of the police report like i said in an earlier post via FOIA. In that report, she tells the officer he pushed her twice, she walked away and he punched her in the back of the head. She then turned around and he punched her in the face. He then threw her on the bed and strangled her until she couldnt breath, and said "bitch if u ever touch me again, i will have my friends (bloods) shoot up your house." She told the officer all of this. With great detail. She even said in the report, that she saw a white substance on his nose and thought it was cocaine..... my kids were there for all of this nonsense..... sad.

Then theres the 150 emails and texts i have from her. Telling me hes closer to god than me, asked me if i ever even believed in God... she then rambled on in typical narcissist fashion about how i need to "let this die here" and told me over and over that I am a liar!! Every single one of those emails she was sure to remind me of how good of a mother she is. And how "demonic" the music i listen to is. Mind you, i listen to bands like alice in chains, tool, ect... also please keep in mind the fact that this women, has basically point blank told me about 9 months ago, and multiple times b4 that, that she no longer believes a word the bible says.. And now shes head over heels for it in typical hypocritical fashion. Telling me im wrong to judge and sending be bible verses about how i should not point out the spec in my neighbors eye, when there is a log in my eye, and that the lord will have the final say. She reminds how good this man is, and that he made a mistake, and that it wont ever happen ever again and she is sure of it. She tells me hes "great with kids! He was going to be a third grade teacher!" Meanwhile he was sent to prison for 2 years for abusing the mother of a 4 year old boy, and also the mother was abusing the boy with fists and lighters, and he said nothing about this abuse.

I am telling you guys... my life is literaly a cross between a lifetime channel movie original and the twilight zone. The woman is mad. Down right mental. She even told me that i should be happy she is gracing me with words after "what i pulled in court the other day" .

Sick and twisted. Maybe I am the crazy one... This all makes the soul wonder..

[This message edited by subverted at 11:34 AM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Nope, she’s cray cray

No movie could ever top your WW.

Dear Subverted,

Your situation is on the unique side for this board, but not too unique for the court system.

My guess, and this is only a guess, is that your wife is addicted to drugs and has been for some time. It's either that, or some form of a mental breakdown.

I remember the early days of your story, and that it struck you out of left field. When I went through the whole infidelity thing, it struck me out of left field too. However, yours has always had some sort of a mental health or drug addiction angle. Call it experience, I guess.

When I say that you have to be the sane parent, I mean it with a huge emphasis. When situations like this popup, the courts cannot put your kids with the WW. It's either you, or the foster care system. And, I won't give you some of the horror stories that come out of that system. There are some sterling parents in that system, and there are some terrible ones.

You are absolutely correct - you want your WW to have a relationship with her children. You want them to have access to their mother. You want a stable co-parenting relationship with her, for your kid's sake. You are correct there. It would also be nice to have weeks where you can focus on you - I get that.

Right now though, your WW is spiraling into a life that I cannot fathom, but I have seen happen. I cannot tell if it's a drug addiction that has exploded, a mental health issue, or both.

What I can tell you is that - if either issue is present - then you have a long road to go down.

If this is a drug addiction, then you should know that this will be a rather constant issue. Drug addiction is notoriously hard to escape, and even harder when you have lost most of what makes life worth living. I have the upmost respect for those that were able to do the work and escape it. However, it often takes a few stumbles. Your EXWW will probably have to attend in-patient rehab if she has any hope of getting better (assuming this is the primary issue), and, even then, it's unlikely that the first time is the charm.

If this is a mental health issue - such as a period of bi-polar mania or an organic situation like a brain tumor - it is again a long slog.

There's no easy way to say this, but it bears repeating that you have to be the sane parent.

To put it bluntly, when it comes to her you need to:

1.) Cease responding to her contacts unless it is about the children.

2.) Make sure any interactions are recorded and preferably you have witnesses that can testify.

3.) Keep a written record of everything you do on a daily basis so if you're accused of something you have a way to go back and say where you were one day.

When it comes to your kids, like to said before, you need to get them in therapy. I know. It SUCKS right now. You're holding down a job and being a full time parent. But, they need something to help process what just happened.

Imagine what it would be like to be one of your kids. A few months ago you had a happy and safe home with the parents you'd known all your life. Now, your parents are separated, they've lost their rooms and home, mom has gone incredibly crazy, and they've heard or witnessed a drug addicted scripture spewing possible gang member possibly try to kill their mother.

They need you. They need help. They cannot afford to lose you.

Right now, my guess is that you want to curl up and lick your wounds. You want to have fun with your new girlfriend. You want to move on from this mess and find happiness.

Your kids, on the other hand, have been traumatized more than you know. This is an incredibly sad story, and you are incredibly strong based on what you have done already, but you need to continue to focus on them.

The ideal is that mom gets better and she can be in their lives in a safe, supportive way. My prediction is that it will not happen for some time, and, if it does, it will be on a limited basis.

It's not fair, but your kids need you more than anyone else and you're the only one left standing. You're strong. You can do this. I know it sucks, but it will also be beautiful looking back.

I feel for you man.

Again, not legal advice. Talk to your lawyer and follow only their advice.

Wag...

Your so awesome. Like I've said, I really look forward to your words. I respect them uniquely.

This is what happened today. I got home from work, to a bustling house with kids playing, trashing, ect... What a good feeling that actually is when I step back and look from afar. How lucky I am to have this. I got the mail. A letter from friend of the court...

WoW! They revoked CS from her. This is a blessing because I am so financially strained right now with daycare, food, coats, shoes, Christmas, birthdays, gas, Doc bills, student loans, car payments for a car WW drives this thug around in, Mortgage payments for my WW and this thug to live in, insurance for a car I do not drive, the list goes on and on. Long story short, She is no longer receiving monetary fixes from me. She is fully off my teat and on the government teat now. Since it seems like she refuses to get a job, Not my problem. As she likes to claim I am the person driving this custody grab bus, I am. But she's no longer on board. I'm being a father first and foremost. My life no longer matters for the time being. For I can see clearly now. All of my anima goes to these 3 young souls as it was meant too. This note which I'm sure she will get too, will realllllly set her off.

One would ask, "What's Next?". well, stay tuned....

In the euphoria of this friend of the court document stating that my obligations have been met, I also check this board and see that Wag has responded. This day couldn't get better! *knocks on wood*

Allow me to say thank you, personally. I appreciate all of your advice. Truly. It made the day a good one. Reminded me of what I am fighting for!!

To answer some of your questions:

I have a feeling that this is honestly a mental breakdown. She told me many times that she thought she was going crazy, the guilt was killing her, ect. Shoot, she told me this before the infidelity. Staying at home with the kids all day everyday was driving her mad. I never held her down, she left and had her alone time when she wanted it. But obviously she wanted more. It could be a drug addiction... She has a history with drugs. Been clean for awhile as far as I know, and I do know. I have been clean myself for 13.5 years. I know what hard drugs do to people because I lived that life so long ago. Again, I don't think this is drug related, but nothing surprises me anymore. I will say however, she was diagnosed bi-polar before we married. Her past is pretty crazy. Jail stints, rapes, drug abuse, ect. We were both pretty big F-ups in our very early 20's. (we are both 36 now) Remember back when I said she quit taking her medication that she was on for 10 or so years to treat bi-polar and anxiety? She quit it before the infidelity. She went down the fibromyalgia road. The doc gave her a few diff types of medication. The one that stuck, was gabapentin. When she started that, her constant complaints to me about the pain she was in ceased, and shortly after her affair with a sex offender started. Something to keep in mind. Not saying the gabapentin caused this, but I have my worries. It zombied her out enough to just not care anymore. Right when she told me she was having a breakdown, mentally.

1) Done. Don't reply to her emails. Last night she sent me a video of our youngest's first steps, I was teaching him to walk. She must want me to remember what we had? Didn't say much. She hasn't been "gracing me with her words" since the court hearing fiasco. Up until the day I showed up at the house, it had been 7 or so weeks since I spoke a word to her.

2) Yep. This paid off in my court hearing. I had texts, video, witness testimony, pictures ect.

3) The great thing about todays cell phones (and not so great) They invade your privacy so much you cant hide anything. Have my location tracking turned on. Records everything. If I would be in contact with her, someone would be with me. Never go alone. I also use my recording device. However, I think logs would be a great idea. This forum serves some of this purpose.

Kiddoes start counseling next week.

Thanks Subverted! I think we all try to help each other through this based on our own experiences. Pay it forward to the next people that come to the site!

My professional career is a bit unique, so I don't want to say too much on here, but I know a lot about the intersection of mental health, drug addiction and the legal system.

The take away here is that you can have a huge basket of emotions for your WW, but that she is not safe. Interacting with her before she gets healthy will put you and the children at risk. Your standard line is a kind "I will always care about her, and she needs help that I am not able to give. I want her to get healthy for her kids. They miss her."

You want her to get to being safe in order to have a relationship with the kids and, if we're honest, because we will always care about them. Knowing that, I want you to take this to heart for those times at night where this crosses your mind - you can't save her. I know you're doing great moving on and focusing on what matters, but there's always that voice in the back of our minds that maybe we could have saved them. I want to reiterate - you cannot save her. Never have that thought for long.

Bi-Polar is a really finicky thing to suffer from, especially when it comes with psychotic features. (It's actually a sub diagnosis.). It's a spectrum, as I am sure you're aware. The preoccupation with religion when she was not religious before is fairly common in my experience with people experiencing a manic episode (along with everything else going on). What you describe is a period of mania, that I am guessing is fueled by drugs at the moment too.

The manic episodes of bi-polar often coincide with narcotics and it's a terrible comorbidity.

This is truly a situation where this infidelity is not anything related to you. The doctors that took her off of her medications might be a source of this. Or, you could have been dealing with her having a hidden addiction for years. She could have been cheating for years prior during times of mania, and you didn't know. This time could have been different because she got into a drug spiral with the change in medications and went down the hole.

In no event is this your fault at all. You may never really know the truth of what happened. And - this may take a long time - it's ok. This is not your fault. You have to be there for the kids.

It's also why I say she is dangerous. It's not that "she's a bad person" dangerous... It can be malicious and it can be a result of the illness. it's literally that she's dangerous and unpredictable. In this state she is not good to be around her children. What's she's doing is self destructive and can distruct people around her. Murders have been committed in the midst of a manic episode.

These episodes can last for certain durations. You have no idea how long this will last, but the other side of it is normally depression. I believe that she might self medicate with narcotics to avoid it (it's common). She may end up committed to mental health treatment against her will. It may end up with jail time.

Again, you can't help her. Only she can help herself. You HAVE to help the kids - at least until she is well and that may be a long time.

People in the midst of this situation can be dangerous, even if they are not at their core evil. I have a lot of sympathy for them and believe that they should get the help that they need, but, when you are the loved one, it is dangerous to be around them. In the midst of a divorce it is even more dangerous to be around them... false accusations, issues with the kids... it all happens. I've seen it. You may wish to check out some classes - they're free - that help families address situations when their loved one suffers from mental illness. I can give you the name of these classes in Michigan if you'd like, but they're googleable.

Your course of action is to protect your kids by keeping them away until she is better. If this is a manic episode and she is self medicating with narcotics then this will be a very, very problematic time. Your kids need a rock, and you are it. You have no idea where your EXWW's life will go, but it will be unpredictable for a time. Your kids need you during this. That is your course for however long it takes.

Her course of action is not your concern. You can't force someone to get help (unless you petition to have them committed to mental health care, and even then that is not normally successful unless it's to get the person stabilized on medication.). If she wants to get help there are more than enough ways to get it... all she has to say is yes.

Again, cover yourself. Be safe. Follow your lawyers advice to the letter. Focus on your kids (you're doing great there).

And, when this is all said and done... no thanks are necessary, just pay it forward to the next people on the path.

As always, not legal advice. Talk to your own lawyer and follow his or her advice exactly.

You're the best Wag. Excellent!!

Kiddoes are with WW right now....

Sick to my stomach. I don't like this 1 bit. Supervised or not....

Are the kids back home with you now? How were they after the visit with their mom? Hoping she behaved and made it a good experience with lots of love and support.

Glad to heat that you no longer have to pay CS. Ease your financial strain a little.

I cannot imagine all of the stress you are going through. Congratulations on handling it so well. You have stood up to the challenge. Stay strong for the challenges ahead.

It just amazes me how selfish and wreckless some people can be. How can she introduce a guy (guys) like that into her children's lives and still think she is a decent person. Does being good-looking encourage someone to believe they are right in all of their actions? Maybe it does because they are desired even they do crappy things. I am sorry for your struggles and I hope everything works out well for you and your kids.

How did the visit go? Did you get word back about if WW passed her drug test after court?

Honestly Smillie, I think its just straight up narcissism. She fits it to a Tee. Funny, because she constantly told me I was one.

The visit was, un eventful. So that's good. This morning my truck quit running so I had to wrench on that all day in the cold for 10 hours. Kids missed school, I missed work, ect. Got it fixed.

Back to the rat race!!

You can’t help those who don’t want it.

Accountability and responsibility my friend. She made choices for what suited herself. And that was to the detriment of her children and life style. None of her existing problems are your concerns now; Car, utilities etc.

The children are number one priority. Show them you are there for them every chance you can. Thank your GF as well she is a constant in your life that has been for the better. Let her know this.

I am unsure about this question but does your WW get to keep the family home? Or just until she can find elsewhere to live and it has to be sold?

Keep those dogs of war on a short leash in case others come along.

One day at a time

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:20 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

Hey Buff. Great to hear from you brother/soldier!

I am hoping to know more about the marital home come next Wednesday.

1st of all, the home is completely under my name. I know this does not really matter for marriages over 10 years. At least in Michigan. In my case, we were married for around 12 years.

2nd, She has a credit score of 550....

3rd, No job history.

4th, obviously, no income.

So basically what I think will happen is the house will go back to me. She has been living there since I moved out last summer. When I moved out, I quit paying the electric bill, propane, cable, her cell phone, her 4582 internet TV channels, ect. What I still pay however is the actual mortgage and escrow account. Boy it sure does feel nice paying for 2 bottom feeders over zealous way of life.

To add on to what I think will happen: Since I can afford the home but however do not want it (unless I have no place to live) I will most likely have it for sale this summer. I am fortunate that I do have a decent amount of equity in the home provided she does not destroy the place. (she picked up smoking, and has been smoking in the home) I will more than likely in my opinion end up having to give her half of the equity from the sale. If I do not sell, I would probably have to refi and buy her out at a cost based on half my equity in the appraised value.

She will also take half of my 401k. Since I acquired these monies the entire time we were wedlocked. This is extremely disappointing because she will get a number well in between the 6 and 7 figure numbers... I'm guessing she will cash this out and take the tax hit. At this point, I am ready for this whole thing to be over. Let the chips fall where they will and pick up what I can while running and holding my pants up at the same time. It will be a trifling run while losing my balance, but here I am doing it.

As far as the vehicle goes, she drives the only vehicle that I am actually currently financing. Again, with no credit, no job history and no income the bank will surely not transfer the title to her name. This is a toss up for me. The vehicle is not worth much and I am underwater on it anyways. If I end up with it, I will trade it in or just put a sign on it in the front yard. I am seriously considering on just paying it off and transferring the title over to her this month with her "share" of the income tax return. This way, she gets her income tax return she's been pestering me about (I don't know where I stand on this legally yet, or what she's "entitled" too.) she get's her vehicle, and I rid myself of paying for insurance and registration fees. As well as a monthly vehicle payment. Which is great because I am about to pull the trigger on a newer, used Dodge eco diesel half ton pickup.

That newer truck would be a welcome sight. Considering I just spent 10 hours today wrenching in 15F degree weather on my 06 rust bucket with 250k miles (and original spark plugs...Yes this was the issue.. amongst a lot of other "things".) on it. Pretty sure the bed is so rusted its going to fall off any day now... If however, it's hasn't yet.

As far as custody goes? Who knows what she has up her sleeves. She defaulted on the divorce already because she did not respond correctly or at all to the summons I gave her in September. The 6 month mark is Feb 26th, which as u know we are rapidly approaching. Does she even know what is going on? Who knows... She has not "graced me with her words" lately. And I def. don't "grace" her with mine. I have no idea what the court will do. All I know for sure is the police report completely contradicts everything she said in court. But I think Police Reports are not "admissible evidence" in court. Could be wrong here. Wag would probably know more. I also know the judge called my story credible and hers not so much. This is why I have my kiddoes. What will the friend of the court investigation come to? No idea. I guess we wait and see...

On another note, if any of you guys want to add me on social media so we can chat more openly, send me a PM!! I consider many of you guys as friends at this point. You have all been there for me when I had no where else to go and vent. No one else really understands this curse but US.

Is there any way you could put the divorce in limbo until you are (hopefully) granted full custody? Could that potentially influence her share of the 401k or home equity? Fucking shame she's going to be taking that much of your retirement money / legacy to your children. I have 0 legal background, just a shot in the dark.

Auto insurance is a must if she will be driving your children in the future. Is sobriety an issue?

In regards to the tax return, I don't know the law, but logically, it is not "half hers". YOU are the breadwinner and make the money. If you adjusted your withholding to receive more weekly, and lower your return at the end of the year, you wouldn't owe her more in CS or alimony. In my VERY limited experience with the legal world, I don't think you would be breaking any laws by using YOUR return to pay off her car note and then GIVING her the full ownership of the vehicle. If your WW then wants the cash, she can sell the car and buy a cheaper one or do whatever she wants. I'm sure she will complain, but realistically, unless you have a crazy judge (they do exist, ask barcher) you should be fine.

Your description of the weather reminds me why I have no interest in moving back to the mitten. I grew up in Macomb and Oakland county. Now I'm in MD. It's been cold this week, but not to that level!

It would be nice if you could negotiate with your WW, but she doesn't seem to be in a stable state of mind, so I doubt it would be successful. Stay strong and good luck!

Subverted

Half of everything does not mean half of each and every item.

Like it’s not as if you take a chainsaw to a truck and she get’s the FO and you the RD.

It’s generally an EQUAL/FAIR distribution of debt and assets. I THINK (and remember the worst advice on SI is legal advice…) that the “fair” part can maybe sway +/-10% but generally it ends in some 50/50 combination.

Basically – if you tabulate all your assets that might be considered marital property (home(?), 401, vehicles etc) and deduct all that might be marital debt (mortgage, tax, vehicle leases/loans) you get a number and each should leave with aprox half that number.

Now – If you have no plans of living in the home and it has limited use/value to you then you COULD use it as change to keep your 401k and even pre-paid spousal support…

In fact – it could be to your advantage – although I think that would be dependent on possible future earning-power.

The tough part is realizing and accepting that she will get a pay-out. It then becomes an issue IMHO to make it as painless to you as possible. I don’t know your numbers, but maybe forfeiting whatever value is in the house to her in lieu of you keeping your 401k intact, not being on any mortgage and being off the hook for spousal support might make sense.

Another option: Maybe you keep the house but give her a “rent-free” period of 3-5 years in lieu of spousal support? Over the long-term property prices rise so it could be a sensible investment.

Keep in mind that if half your 401k is 100k then if she wants cash-in-hand she needs to pay the withdrawal penalty and taxes. For maybe 40-50k you could be “paying” 100k…

Keep in mind that if spousal support of 1k for 3 years is 36k then paying a single payment up-front could be valued at 30k if it’s to your advantage. It can also be valued at 40k if THAT was to your advantage… Depends on goals and wording…

I’m encouraging you to do several things:

Accept that divorce will cost

Make that cost as comfortable as you can

Think out of the box. It’s not items such as car, house, pension, but rather things that have a price-tag.

Consider taking the “pot” – the list of items to be divided – to a financial planner who can maybe help you place the best value on all factors.

On point Big. Thank you!!

So she's been blowing up my voicemail (her numbers blocked) and also my email Her blocked, but goes to my spam box....

Here's a copy paste:

k what you mean by that,ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS MY KIDS ,he's BEEN GONE FOR GOOD so how's that relevant? . I went through so much ,I've done nothing wrong . I just want my kids and they want me . Have them call please video call ,I don't have them on my phone now. Or on kids messenger, you should drop this nonsense. I take monthly drug tests as it is . Ridiculous allegations,My kids are my whole world and I'm theirs ,they miss their pets too. Makes me sick. I pray you get clarity you need to see they need me,im a great mom and I know you know that, how is it my fault?

Please stop being hateful ,they want to be home. This is causing them harm leaving *EDIT OUT CHILDS NAME* with some stranger all day?!! Instead of with his mom ? That's why ? he wants his mother! And you should care about me enough to not do this too me this hateful,vengeance shit needs to end

And another from today:

Fyi ,I want nothing to do with that dude.

All I care about is my kids and you are crushing me and them

Again. I seem to be the one to blame here. She cannot see the sheer fact that she was beaten by a man with the kids in bed. doing cocaine according to her statement in PR. Then saying she hit herself with her phone in court. This is the typical thing narcissists do. Blame shift. According to her skewed view of reality, I am the one who needs to open my eyes.

[This message edited by subverted at 9:21 PM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Yeah... there’s no ambiguity here. She has lost it completely and is twisting reality. We knew that already, but to just be rationalizing line after line after line in repeated emails? Whether she’s self aware or not is immaterial. She has totally lost it.

I really cannot imagine losing a life partner this way. It’s like she’s a shell of herself. Technically alive, but the person you knew is dead. I’m gutted for you man, I don’t think nightmare even begins to cover it.

You’re in IC, right?