I know I was harsh in the last message I wrote. I’ve thought back on it a number of times these past few weeks. There’s a part of me that wishes I could have been kinder, and a pet of me that thinks you needed to hear it.
I think it’s a good decision - whatever the reason - to let the other woman go. You’re in a very weird situation. She should know that going into it. I think it’s probably best to be on your own, so to speak, while you sort out these emotional demons.
I say this in the kindest way possible man. You got broken. I did too. There’s no shame in admitting that. There are no men that don’t have this pet of them where, when faced with the loss of the storybook romance, don’t get broken seeing that it might not exist for them.
I’ll say it from my end... I’m broken. Maybe permanently. I can’t bond with people anymore. I can’t be open with people anymore. I’m wary. The one person I was open and free with turned out to hate me. Who doesn’t get broken from that?
I’m also similar to you in another strange way. The thing with your childhood... that they tried to put you in special Ed and then tested your IQ. Me too. Same thing.
Maybe your obsessive. I was. You try to make sense of this logically. You want a coherent narrative to try to understand what happened, and that way it won’t seem as scary.
This isn’t entirely logical, but here are my conclusions based on my own situation and way too much reading on the subject:
1. My EXWW did not love me the way I loved her. She felt safe with me, but she also didn’t like me. She was not as invested in the relationship as I was and demonstrated that.
2. Her childhood demons and low self esteem played out in finding the validation from others to be more valuable than the relationship that she had with me. And, frankly, that’s fine. It’s hard to accept but that’s fine.
3. The dishonesty in having affairs is a power move akin to what children do. The manipulation is childish and, as only children can do, it can be taken to extremes without a thought of the consequences.
There are two things you need to review where you are. They are safety and deciding what you want.
Safety is my big area. I’m risk averse. I counsel people on risk. The situation you’re in - cohabitating with someone who means the world to you, but at the same point can do monstrous things out of selfishness - that’s not sustainable. It’ll wear on you. You’ll end up scared and it’ll poison the relationship, unless it magically becomes safe. Frankly, I don’t believe she can become a safe partner. She might develop the tools to ACT like a safe partner, and maybe that’s enough. Personally, I think once the feeling of safety in a relationship ends, so too ends the relationship eventually. It could be she’s waiting to find a reason to leave so it’s not your fault or taking her time to feather a nest.
Likewise, you’re probably blind by a combination of sex and thinking she’s the best you’ll get or something.
I hate saying this but my guess is... she’s very attractive and you don’t think you can do better and that, as you say, she will find some rich dude and shove it in your face. If she does... good for her. If she did that would that mean she loves you, or it’s all situational attraction?
A friend of mine who is a woman... I asked her, why is this other person into me? She said, “because you check enough boxes.” It was a cynical version of attraction that I couldn’t get my head around. It didn’t sound like love to me, because love is unconditional, right? It shouldn’t matter what “boxes” I checked, a person should love me for who I am, right? I’m still not sure of my friend is right or not, but I do know that the loss of having your soulmate show you it’s not really soulmates... that breaks something in you.
I still think your situation is unsafe. And I am sorry you’re going through it.
Assuming you find safety with your WW... if that happens somehow... you need to start asking yourself how you want life to look like post this thing.
Every day we wake up and make a choice. We go to sleep and make a choice. Assuming “love” isn’t tangible, and it really is an exercise in the checked boxes... does she check enough of yours? Do you get more out of being with her, post this, then you do without her? The kids factor in too here. I get that.
I’m not sure you want advice on how to go, and I’m not sure anyone is qualified to tell you how to live your life. Only you get to do that. This shit sucks, and it sucks you’re going through it. However you play it is how you WANT to play it. You can make a different decision any day. Maybe it’s tomorrow, maybe it’s years from now, maybe it’s never.
What she’s doing though... no. She does not get forgiven because she demands it. You do what you want to with that.
Subverted... you are you. You got broken. You can rebuild you, no matter who is in your house. But F*** it, don’t you dare forget that you get to chose how to spend your life. It’s uncertain. It’s crazy, but it’s yours.
Kids safety. Your safety. And then do what you want with it. Personally, I don’t think she’s safe, at all. I think it’s going to go sideways and she’s plotting an out that she can blame on you. I think it’ll hurt worse than. But, if you find you, if you do what you need to do, then no matter what happens, you’ll walk out the other side better
*** this may be a bit too disjointed. It’s been an extra busy week. But I wanted to check in. Stay strong man.