SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not sure exactly where to post this, but "New Beginnings" seemed appropriate. This is a question about the site itself. Is there any chance that a dating sub-forum could be made? This "New Beginnings" seems like a place to talk about what you're doing, but not necessarily to get to know someone and perhaps eventually arrange a date.

I know there are a ton of ways to date online, and thus I have a very specific reason for asking this question here. It's because it would be for people like us. We stand a greater chance of not having it happen again if we are able to date someone who had been through the same thing. I didn't cheat before, but now that I've been through this, well you can say my position has further solidified. I just wouldn't do it, not ever. I could never put somebody through that. It's not necessary. You can simply tell the person "It's over, we're finished" and you can leave with your integrity intact, having never cheated. Having never become the type of... person that we're all too familiar with.

If someone has been through what I've been through, I find it to be highly unlikely that they'd cheat. And we have a site full of people like that. It's not limited to infidelity, usually when people have been through something bad they understand it much better and are against it happening again to themselves or to others. This is common knowledge.

So I just thought I'd stop by and ask, cause why not. Might be a chance for a lot of people to find someone more trustworthy.

If someone has been through what I've been through, I find it to be highly unlikely that they'd cheat.

And you would be wrong. My ex was cheated on by her first husband. His cheating allowed her to push all the marital issues onto him and she didn't do the work to become a good partner. Lets just say I understand why a weaker person would cheat on her.

And there is this from the guidelines:

RELATIONSHIPS: This is not a site for forming romantic relationships. If you find yourself getting attached to another member please remember the reason you joined our community and back away. In the event that you find yourself in a romantic relationship or you are aware of another relationship, keep it off of the forums or you and your partner will be removed. Posting sexual innuendos and openly flirting with other members is prohibited regardless of marital status.

I was gonna say aside from the site rules, there is also the fact that I think there are a lot of BS's who want to 'erase' the infidelity damage by immediately finding another relationship to validate themselves with. To each their own and I am not saying that never works out, but more often than not that relationship is not a good idea for either party.

I think the temptation to find someone would hinder a lot of BS's in their healing process. Just my 0.02.

If someone has been through what I've been through, I find it to be highly unlikely that they'd cheat. And we have a site full of people like that. It's not limited to infidelity, usually when people have been through something bad they understand it much better and are against it happening again to themselves or to others. This is common knowledge.

Be careful this with premise as I don’t believe it to be true. My WH was cheated on by his first wife....and he never thought twice about cheating on me. I assumed the very same thing as you but clearly got burned.

Good luck with dating though!

My WH also told me he was cheated on by his fiance so would absolutely never cheat. We had many conversations early on about how fidelity was important. Don't hang your hat on a BS being faithful in their next relationship.

I believe this was attempted in the very early days and did not end well. Too much drama. Hence the guidelines/rules.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:08 PM, June 22nd (Monday)]

My WH was cheated on by a very long term girlfriend. We talked about it while we were dating and he shared how devastated it was and I really thought he would never do anything even remotely similar.

I think having been betrayed made it harder for him to be honest with me about his affair because he knew how horrible it was.

Also he once said to me that he understood how I felt and I wanted to punch him - yeah you know exactly what I, a mother of three young children who is completely financially dependent on her husband and has been married for 10 years and dating for 6 before that, feel like because your girlfriend of 4 years cheated on you when you were 22. Sure.

My WH was cheated on by his first wife, too. Not only did he cheat, but YEARS later, he reconnected and cheated with HER.

My WH was cheated on by his 1st "love". Didn't matter.

His POSOW cheated plenty, and her 3d M ended bc her WH left her for his AP. Didn't mattter. She had no problem taking up with my WH and cheating on her own BSO.

Jesus. It sounds like this whole site, and indeed all humanity are just a bunch of cheaters. One might get that impression from this thread, anyway. Oh well. Maybe that's just human nature. The allure of the opposite sex is just too tempting for a lot of reasons.

I haven't disclosed this here and I might get some shit for it. But my boyfriend, who I love, cheated on the mother of his two sons with his now ex-wife. I was one of the folks who adamantly stated that I would never date a cheater. But . . . here i am. Yes, there were mitigating circumstances. That is his story, not mine, to tell. He was with his his ex-wife (the affair partner) for 15 years and never cheated, their relationship ended for other reasons and they coparent their daughter respectfully and get along great. Sometimes relationships are toxic and the exit is messy and poorly done. I don't particularly worry about him cheating on me. It might happen, but I understand WHY it happened in that situation and those circumstances don't come anywhere near applying to us.

Long answer to say - life is messy. Betrayed spouses aren't any more perfect than anyone else. You have to take everyone on a case-by-case basis.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:15 AM, June 26th (Friday)]

Well said, JanaGreen. I've done a lot of reflecting on this very thing recently. The case by case thing. Looking back at my youth, and even adulthood, there were things I did that I learned lessons from and have never done again. I believe others can grow the same way.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:12 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

People who have been directly impacted by infidelity either BS or WS are more likely to cheat than those who have never experienced it. I've seen others boil it down to BS's end up learning the wrong lesson from their Ex's A.

My brother's long term GF cheated on him, they broke up. He immediately started screwing/dating one of her friends. Then he had 2 other women he was screwing/dating while still with the friend. He has done this with all his relationships before. He understands the pain of betrayal for a day then becomes the cheater the next day. It's who he is. No guarantees that a betrayed will not cheat because they suffered the pain.

Although this thread is disheartening I understand your original sentiment. I don't think you can automatically assume they would not cheat but I do think there could be another BS out there with integrity and character that would get your pain and understand what you had been through. Not all BS necessarily had a good character before they were cheated on if you think about it.

I can say that I would want to be with someone that had some kind of heartache or broken dreams in their life, had to start over or what have you so they could understand me as a person more that someone that has not been through challenges. It would be a shared maturity thing I would hope even if not the same circumstances. I would have more empathy for another person's losses now that I would have before. That is just me.

I think there would be plenty of BS out there that resonate with this idea. Also, some of these people could be totally lying about their past anyway. Also, like other posters have mentioned, some WS could have learned their lessons screwing up their lives and become better people.

I do not think it is a one size fits all.