SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TMI topics seem to be very popular lol

There were so many times WW would lose track of time while I'd be waiting in the car after coming to pick her up.

Haven’t read the whole thread, so I don’t know if someone’s already said it or not, but the restaurant choice debacle is easily avoidable. Tell her you are taking her out for dinner, but only if she guesses right. Then when she names a place you act surprised and say, “That’s right!!!”, and you go there. Use sparingly though.

Hah I've heard of that tactic too.

In the cases I've mentioned of asking what she wants to eat, I was talking about cooking meals though. Can't eat out for everything

I'll play :)

Snoring. OMG, I had to wear ear plugs!

Taking up the whole bed

Cooking just what he wants

Waiting on him hand and foot.

Listening to him talk on the phone practically all day long in another language (work and APs). If I read a book when he was doing this, he'd complain I was always reading.

On the computer all day

Taking a long time to decide to watch a movie that HE might like, and he's on the laptop while watching. Then he'll keep asking what's going on and I ended up having to pause to explain what's going on. Drove me crazy.

Not really understanding what the theme of a movie/show was and making very critical remarks on the morals of the show.

Being too tough on the kids and not giving them enough time and then telling me that I'm not spending enough time with them as I'm doing everything around the house.

Being a spendthrift and buying expensive clothes all the time.

Taking care of his poor health: calling the doctors to make appointments, nursing him back to health, etc

Telling me what to wear, how to talk, walk, etc.

I could go on

This is so therapeutic. There are so many things I didn't realize I wouldn't miss!

--instinctively grabbing my side of the covers while asleep the moment I sensed him about to roll over, or the covers would roll with him

--corollary to that one - the bed covers not being a mess every morning

--not having music on CONSTANTLY. Just sometimes, when I want, and what I want

--This one is really weird: there was always water and scum in the bottom of the stand that holds the toothbrushes. I never realized that was entirely because of how wet he got his entire toothbrush! Now, the stand is never wet. I shake out my toothbrush and it dries just fine. Who knew??

--Not having to put up with his disgust and grumpiness when I made a food that he didn't like.

--Not having to tolerate him being BOTH a sore loser and a gloating winner at games. It was always lose-lose for me.

--Living alone means not spending all my time trying to get his attention. I would announce a 5 minute warning for dinner to be ready, put dinner on the table, let him know again, sit down, and he would still be on his iPad reading sports or politics or doing a puzzle. I would wait a few more minutes and then just start eating alone.

--Not having the seat cushions on the sofa always falling off. Somehow he managed to always sit on the sofa in such a way that the cushions would come off. It made the living room look slovenly. At first I though it was because of a cheapo couch (back in the 90s) but then we got a nice new one and it kept happening! It was HIM!

So many ways my life is easier, clearer, simpler, calmer, more enjoyable, more MINE.

I love not being groped!!!!!!

I don’t miss the stinky cigarettes.

I don’t miss being ignored at anything public, but groped at home.

I don’t miss the stupid comments.

Great topic! I just realized how much happier I am.

Oooh, I got some more.

Not having to run my financial decisions by her. My finances, my decisions now.

Not having to put off bills to allocate money for her cross country flights. She wants to jet off to get laid, well, she'd better come up with the money.

Not having to audit her business EVERY SINGLE MONTH to figure out where all of her money went, and then filling in the gaps with family finances. All while she was actively obscuring the cash stream (because she was cheating with it).

Not having to let her pick the laundry detergent because her delicate sense of smell didn't like Tide or Gain or whatever.

Not having every meal I cook be dictated by her.

Not having to clean up the massive messes she makes any time she does any project. Now she can wallow in her own filth.

This one's a little weird. Not having to wonder why she bought that sexy article of clothing, and then I never see her wearing it. Now I -know- it's not for me, and it's whatever.

BEING ABLE TO PICK MY OWN CLOTHES WITHOUT HER CRITICISMS!!!

Love this thread.

Things I don’t miss?

Having a freezer full of bread (why....?)

Bike parts and oil all over the house.

Sleeping on a 8inch strip of the bed (now I have the whole damn bed!)

Snoring.

Farting.

Finding he’s turned the heating thermostat down, again.

Waiting for him to clean the filthy windows cos he was too mean to pay a window cleaner.

Waiting months for him to do a simple DIY job, waiting 6 days while he did it, then another week while he redid the job he botched first time round. (Now I just pay someone to come round and do it in a couple of hours!)

I could go on...

This thread is a great idea!

not having music on CONSTANTLY. Just sometimes, when I want, and what I want

Constantly, and LOUD. . .

Having to have a king-size bed. Neither of us is big, but he slept like a starfish. I have to find a new place and I'm going to get a full size bed. Hello tiny, cheapo master bedroom.

Having someone waiting for me in bed...sitting in bed pouting when he wanted sex. Was that supposed to be a turn-on?

Things being done the "right" way. If he didn't like my cooking methods, he'd look up the "right" way to cook something, then do it excessively, to the extreme. The worst was his pink, undercooked pork chops, because mine were too dry. So he would barely cook them. How the dishes were stacked in the sink, exercise, nutrition, whatever. To his credit he hardly ever directly criticized me, but was always making a little demonstration of his superior methods and sharing helpful wisdom.

Being "respectful." Now I'm just an opinionated bitch I guess. Don't miss it.

Silent disappointment/anger/resentment. Having to guess what the problem was.

One thing I've noticed in this thread that is common? Taking up all the room in the bed!!!

Plain selfish narcissism!!

This is a great thread! Keeping me laughing today.

My STBXWH is a sailor, so I will not miss spending endless Saturdays at the marina/boatyard with him varnishing, scraping, scrubbing, caulking, painting, fixing and repairing. I hate the water and am afraid of it, but would agree to go sailing with him to be "a good sport", but ended up scared, sick and barely hanging on. NOT fun. But did he EVER do anything I wanted to do on the weekends? No. I had to do what I wanted to do alone, while he was tending to the boat.

And many here talk about their partners being lazy at housekeeping, my WH is the opposite. He hated even a cup or spoon in the sink. It all had to be washed asap. No dishes in the sink allowed ever. Laundry had to be folded immediately. And Saturdays, when he wasn't at the boat, he would clean clean clean the house, and would fight with me to help. I hated spending my every Saturday cleaning! I'm no slob, but I'm not obsessive.

At one point we came to an agreement that we would alternate weekends: One Saturday cleaning for him, the next for me would be a fun, romantic day trip away, just the two of us. But when it came to my Saturdays, he'd bail on me. Cancel, or put me off. And the thing is, if he had kept up his end of the Saturday agreement, then I would have happily joined him in the deep cleaning. But he does not know the meaning of meeting me half way. To him, vacuuming was more interesting than his wife - literally.

Now he's gone, my Saturdays are all for me, I leave dishes in the sink and I clean when I darn well feel like it. The house is a bit messy, but that's ok. I have a peaceful life now! Not walking on eggshells anymore.

I don't miss him disrespecting me up, down and sideways. I was a vegetarian for a long time to help curb my migraines. When it was his night to make dinner, he'd make chicken.

I don't miss his agressive, scary, rage driving.

I don't miss the emotional confusion he brought into the relationship as a Covert Narc. He would purposely say and do things to keep me unsure, off kilter, confused, scratching my head and wondering. His vague answers, refusal to stick with a plan (any plan!), changing plans without telling me, breaking his promises, making me wait, disrespecting my time, ignoring my requests and wishes and honey-do lists, fudging the truth, pushing me away when I reached out for affection, correcting me in front of friends, his pretzel logic, gaslighting and stonewalling. I miss none of that.

He would tell me that I needed to be more laid back with his free-spirit ways, his "don't tie me down" personality. I used to believe him that I was "too uptight", and gave him more and more lee-way, more and more leash, so that I would never be called "uptight".... Now I know that he used that word to manipulate me into giving him more and more freedom without him having to answer questions or be accountable for anything. So I ended up giving him all of the freedom in the world, and look what he did with it.

I don't miss the triangulation: talking about other women to me, flirting with other women in front of me. Telling me about women who flirted with him that day. Pointing out other women to me who he thought were beautiful, or liked how they dressed. Always made me feel unnoticed and unacknowledged and unappreciated.

And a huge one: his lack of financial stability. He was always under-employed, or not employed. Commission pay, never predictable. I will not miss being used for financial stability.

I am so grateful he moved out last November while this divorce moves forward. I could never imagine riding out this virus with him here. I am fine to "shelter in place" alone at home. And even my dishes, waiting for me in the sink, are happy too.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 12:01 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

I'm having a hard time cause I've been thinking about the things I will miss so I thought I would post here and hope it helps.

Things I will NOT miss:

- His food allergies and dislikes when it comes to food. There were so many things he either couldn't or wouldn't eat, it was such a hassle sometimes to decide what to eat. I always had to cram those in my evenings by myself if I felt like eating them. Overall, I eat more healthy ánd more "adventurous" than he does so that has been nice to do by myself.

- His hayfever, dustmite allergy, allergies for cats and dogs and other animals: now I don't have to worry if he will be allergic to anything in my house, whether I have vacuumed or not, whether he is allergice to the flowers I have or anything. And I can have a cat now! Not going to, because I want to do some long travels after this covid-19 situation is over but I can. Yay! He also said he didn't like cats, which should have been a red flag in and of itself, lol

- His bad sleep hygiene. I am a light/bad sleeper and he is one too, so that was a horrible match, considering we both had anxiety issues and then the whole mess with the A and everything. Thats not something we both can do something about, but at least I practice good sleeping hygiene. I go to bed and wake up at the same time (roughly) everyday, very disciplined when it comes to lights, no alcohol during the week etc. I am also a morning person (well, after I have had my coffee and one hour of complete silence) and he was definitely an evening person so now I can totally enjoy my mornings in silence, I can roll around in my bed without him snuggling me too much (I really need any potential new guy to know when to stop cuddling and move to the other side of the bed sleep is life).

- His lack of energy. He used to work so hard and wasn't really able to say no to people when they asked him to help with stuff or do social stuff, that he was always tired. I remember I told him in a fight once, that he didn't express any emotions except tired and busy (which are not emotions). We did do some fun things and had lots of fun dates but I remember the lack of energy from him so distinctly. I had pretty good boundaries when it comes to work and social obligations so I was always up for a long walk or doing something active or even just sitting at a cafe outside, he wasn't. Not in the amount I would have loved to. He was more of a couch potato when we were together, while I did my couch potato-ing by myself. He would also have a crazy busy week at work and then trouble sleeping on fridays and when we had our date on saturdays, he would be in the worst shape/not feeling it, wanting to cancel any plans we had with each other or with friends. Overall, he didn't take care of his health, so obviously he would get sick in times of stress and we lacked quality time everytime that happened. After an especially busy period, where our relationship and I were neglected, he would feel the "added pressure from me to be on his best behaviour" which would result in him cancelling more shit or complaining about felt pressure. For example, he didn't feel like going all out for our 2nd anniversary because he felt too much pressure after having neglected our relationship for 6 weeks because of a work thing. I didn't get anything for Valentine's day 2020, not even a text or a 'happy valentines day' when we saw each other that night because he was so exhausted from work in the 6 weeks before. Work hard, don't play and complain about it.

- His abuse of alcohol. Major red flag. I saw it early on in our relationship but I/he talked me out of it. This is not something I'm going to miss. I will never miss that foul smell on his breath anymore. It would be the thing that turned me off when he initiated sex sometimes, especially after the A, because he was black-out drunk during/after the ONS as well. I will never miss counting his glasses during social gatherings and wondering whether he was drinking his feelings again. I will never miss his drunken ramblings or his emotionally manipulative behaviour or agressive behviour when he was drunk. Never again. This is something I will definitely look out for in any potential new guy and RUN when it happens.

- His name calling and being mean when he is angry/upset. This one speaks for itself. I know I have some destructive behaviours when I am angry or upset and I am going to take my sweet time to work on them and not bring them into any new relationship. And I will not miss someone who wasn't able to walk away and take a time-out/cooling down perioded when angry.

- His going back and forth on some matters, saying this one day and then saying that another day (for example: having children), or he would say one thing to me and then another thing to his mom, because he didn't want to say something to start an argument with me so he would just agree or no along. And then a couple days later I would overhear a very strong and complete opposite opinion. What the f? He was a people pleaser and very conflict avoidant and not very authentic.

- His hypocrisy: he would complain about behviour from people that he himself participates in (for example: road rage or unhealthy food). We've talked about it over and over again, but he said that he didn't see a problem with it. I did. I think you could have a little sympathy/empathy for people if you do what they do and know how hard it is to break patterns and I also believe you should practice what you preach. He just believed in preaching, lol. I should have told him to preach to the mirror. I am not going to miss this.

- His tardiness. Even after I told him it was an annoyance of mine and he improved greatly, it happened a lot that I would be on time and he would still have to do stuff to get ready or he would be late. I hated it.

I am sorry for the rambling, I had to get it off my chest.

[This message edited by Hedwig at 6:52 AM, December 5th (Saturday)]

Hedwig, it sounds like you will be much better off and happier without the anchor you've been carrying for so long!

I posted earlier in this thread; here are a couple more things I will not miss:

His constantly "joking" about my looks, and in particular, my weight. I was watching videos of when the kids were young and I was amazed at how he was so disrespectful toward me as he was narrating. I can take a joke and laugh at myself, but his "joking" comments were constant with nothing nice to offset them.

His unfriendliness with our friends' pets. So what if the big ole lab slobbers on you a bit as he's showing how happy he is to see you? No need to push him away. Lighten up already!

Red flags, indeed!

WH SHOPPING: what do we need from the shop?

‘Here’s a short list and add anything else that you want’.

WH RETURNS: sorry I didn’t look at the list. No eggs, milk or bread... WH: stop complaining, I went to the shop for you!

WH COOKING: I only made enough for ME

WH EATING: so what! I ate all the ice cream, go get some more for the kids. I didn’t know they wanted some

Wipe your chin and chew with your mouth closed and don’t speak with food in your mouth

WH SLEEPING: I don’t snore. I have sleep apnea

WH COUGHING: I can’t put my hand over my mouth, it keeps my germs in

WH YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM: hey, what’s this?

WH DRIVING: lost drivers license too many times to recall but, don’t dare tell him to slow down or put down the phone please

WH CARS: I am buying you a new car for me to drive

WH WORKING: you know that I have always hated work. Please just make more money for me to waste on shit I don’t need

WH DOCTOR: I saw a cure for that on TV. whatever you have, I have the cure

WH COACH: just get out there and kill them

Actually last one applies to everything else in our lives 🙏🏼

a case a beer a night

a pack of cigarettes a night

mounds of candy in bed at night

HAVING TO PICK ALL THAT UP

Ranting and raving at other drivers

His political rants but he does not vote

Letting his kids get away with murder and mad at me when I enforce consequences

his dancing in front of a mirror for HOURS, I wish I was kidding, but he can not bend over to get anything in the garbage

Leaving his tools or "stuff" all over the house so I can never find a screw driver. (have my own set now)

Saying he hates doing dishes because he had to do them as a kid.... so he shouldnt have to

Having more than 6 beers in a night and thinks now would be a good time to be intimate

Telling me I "throw" the past in his face constantly when I set a boundary

Borrowing MY car and leaving beer cans, cigarette packs and fast food all over the floor

Geez..... I could go on for lots more! Why, Why am I still here??

This is fun. I'll add, because I've lately been struggling (no where near as bad as I used to... it's more of a quiet struggle that distracts me from time to time).

In no particular order:

- when his mom came over and she'd wear shoes all over the house (she doesn't do that in her own house), and i would have to ask him to tell her to remove her shoes (There's a HUGE cue to take off your shoes at the foyer -- a giant shoe shelf, as well as some slippers and shoes that we are too lazy to put back in the shoe shelf because we wear them often).

- when I came home from work and started cooking and had to ask him if he could help me.

- when he'd blow up about something stupid because he was in a mood

- his road rage. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW TO DRIVE IN NEW JERSEY, NEW JERSEY TELLS YOU HOW TO DRIVE!

- him lamenting his lack of friends, soon to be followed by him telling me he can't make the time when I encourage him to see his friends

- his lack of ability to ever finish his work on time or tell others how to do their job right, and bring his (and their) work home. GUESS NO SEX TONIGHT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO REWRITE NOTES YOU ARE TOO AFRAID TO TELL YOUR PA THAT HE WRITES GARBAGE NOTES. Also, why don't you have a dictation system?! Is this the 90s?!

- his angry video game playing. There will be frustrating points in any game, you don't have to use a million expletives so angrily!

- him using the joint account for himself just because, and putting a smaller percentage of his salary into the joint account.

- getting confused by math when tax time comes.

- pointing out whenever he thought I looked fat. Well at that time, it wasn't just one person gaining weight, and only ONE person was taking fertility hormones. Thanks.

- having him whisper complain about how I wanted to eat certain ethnic foods when his old school white parents were around. WHY ARE BONES IN A CHICKEN SO DIFFICULT? That is a natural part of the chicken, it should hardly count as "too ethnic"

I may have over done it here...

I posted a superficial list of things, especially WHs poor manners which I absolutely don’t miss.

But, I will never miss the Anxiety of when and if he’s coming home.

The anxiety of him leaving the house at all times of the day and night. (I was actually relieved when he wasn’t home) and anxiety of him coming home very very late. I was asleep most of the time but the anxiety of him getting into bed with me and forcing sex was the worst!

I haven't been out here in a long time and this is a good subject for me to think about right now. I don't miss . . .

The groping.

The mouth breathing.

The smell of whiskey on his lips and skin.

The old, gross tightey-whitey underwear.

The stress and fatigue from carrying him in social situations.

The constant fear of falling asleep at night because that was when he did most of his destructive behaviors.

The constant fear of . . . everything. My entire life was teetering in the balance due to his destructive behavior for years.

The hoarding. I'll freely admit to not being particularly tidy but I do not keep every bit of paper going back decades!

The snoring - God the snoring

Always on computers (and eventually I realised why - all his AP's were online affairs)

Never interested in anything the children or I did but expected us to be interested in his stuff. And he wonders why two out of the 3 don't have anything to do with him.

Been saving up a few in my journal for this thread and it's very random So glad this is anonymous:

The tension in my shoulders as I would see him pull up the driveway every day wondering what kind of a mood he would be in

him doing all the things he yelled at his kids for doing (not picking up after himself, leaving tools/toiletries out and not putting them back)

Opening the mail all over the counter in the kitchen I had just cleaned and leaving it there spread out including ripped envelopes.

coats on the backs of chairs instead of the hooks 10 feet away

Throwing his dirty clothes on the floor right in front of the hamper

(warning graphic:) pushing my head down during a blow job so I would gag sorry had to

leaving his recyclables on the counter next to the sink for the fairy to bring them to the recycle container 8 feet away.

Loading the dishwasher the wrong way

Constant invalidation of anything I had already done research on and coming to the same conclusion after wasting more time on his own

"you're so controlling"

coming home and yelling at me for not picking up the piles of weeding or branches I had trimmed in the yard for five hours instead of offering to pick them up and thanking me for the hard work

Pretending to love God

Coming home cheerful after being out all day and then turning into a monster after sitting down in the house

"you always... You never" lies, lies, lies

Not putting the cover on expensive grills we bought him every two years for Father's day and when they rusted out complaining that it was "cheaply made"

Interrogations about where money had gone every week even after having told him what was coming the week before (I suspect this will continue)

having to refrain from undermining in the moment or deflecting conversation when he was being mean to the kids - usually at the dinner table

Waking me up at 5:00 am with "the poke" knowing full well I had trouble sleeping

Making jokes that were not funny at other people's expense (including his kids)

Driving too close or late braking before the car in front of us

Yelling at me if I took a wrong turn but then made most of them himself when traveling and would laugh at himself

"get over it"

"you'll never trust me"

"your crazy"

"I love you but I'm not attracted to you anymore"

endless spam emails from sites he never opted out of - sometimes as a result of porn surfing that he denied (crazy making)

falling for marketing scams despite my warning and wasting money on a product he never used

European family or friend guests allowed to impose last minute and outstay for WEEKS in our small house with no guest bedroom

Hiding smoking sometimes and then denying it and stinking like it in bed

Checking the Life360 and my heart pounding out of my chest, talking myself out of any wrong doing on his part

being charming to all our friends or others we saw when out and being mean to me simultaneously

Gaslighting, invalidation, or defensive yelling at my calm questioning or requests to talk about emotions

Endless wasted unpleasant, tense evenings that could have been quality family time

Remembering facts differently than us and then claiming we had it wrong (to his advantage)

Expecting me or the kids to jump out of whatever we were involved in to attend to his requests immediately

Wet towels after the shower left on wood furniture

Not using a coaster causing water rings or marks on antique furniture then claiming the antique furniture pieces were useless or junk anyway

Leaving sponge or washcloth balled up in the bottom of the sink and then having to throw them out because they are mildewed

constantly worrying about what he's quickly hiding on his phone when I walk by in the room

Snoring

Eating expensive specialty food or ingredients that I had intended for a recipe the next day for his 'snack'

Yelling at spectrum boy for accidentally passing gas at the table but it was okay and funny for him to do it on purpose

Shaming my older boy with anxiety about doing something "dumbass" (WH is the dumbass)

Hurting my children's self esteem and mine

Telling all his customers and friends what a great helper he's been and how terrible it is for me to be going through all the cancer stuff and how grateful we are for all our help and support - then secretly annoyed with all the attention I was getting and being short with me because of it

Flirting with other women in front of me and then telling me it wasn't flirting and I was crazy

Feeling unloved

Feeling sad

Crying every weekend about something he said, did, or was lying about or I discovered

Yelling at spectrum boy to "look at him when he spoke" (eye contact issues) and then when kids would talk to him he never looked up - busy on his phone while "listening" then he would complain that they never wanted to talk to him

complaining to me that I drank too much wine and it was expensive but he drinks a beer every day after work and then wine every night with dinner, turn on the mean switch and it was okay

saying "you don't take care of yourself" even though I was well groomed, full face of makeup most days, hair done, coordinated clothing - just have an extra 20 pounds due to hormones and medications

On occasion to get his attention - dressing up - camouflage my damaged breasts with beautiful things and practically prostitute myself to keep him turned on so he wouldn't cheat again

Hardly ever saying "no" for reason above even when I was uncomfortable or exhausted

His inappropriate and usually offensive "sense of humor" and then telling me "you have no sense of humor" and "you're such a prude" if I didn't laugh or was offended

I could go on and on. Oh, I just did sorry.

Wow. What a JERK I've been married to.

I see another common denominator in everyone's lists: HYPOCRISY