SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi NB group. I used to lurk here often, reading all the advice given to others to help in my situation. The members here have been immensely helpful, even tho I didn’t visit much anymore.

My question- I’m looking for advice on how to deal with where I find myself.

Short story is, XWW had an A starting in ‘14 with a co worker of mine. She got pregnant, tried to pass the baby off as mine. In the meantime, AP left my employer. I discovered the baby wasn’t mine, hence my screen name. The DD was in March of ‘16. I found out the baby wasn’t mine in October ‘16. Divorce was finalized November 2017.

My healing has gone well and I had been doing great. I still have off days but overall was doing well. XWW returned working for my department in ‘17 but in another section, so I didn’t see her very often. Even in my small town, I don’t ever see her or AP. She had another baby last fall. Im fairly certain with AP.

Yesterday, I found out by over hearing a convo between co workers that AP is being rehired and starts in 2 weeks. He’ll be in my section and it’s a pretty close quarters work area with a common locker room where we all change and get ready for work.

Question relates to how I can best process this. I kinda lost it yesterday and still have great anxiety over this. This is the second time he’s tried getting his job back. Last time, I lost it and went directly to the boss. The AP was not hired due to bad mouthing the department to boss’ daughter.

I’ve got a call in to my therapist but have yet to see him. Rn, I’m struggling from this anxiety and don’t know what I can do until my therapy appointment. I’m in a spot at work where I would have to transfer out to get away. But this puts me working 12 hour shifts and in a vehicle that really causes great pain in my back. I’m in shape and in good health. It’s the vehicle that causes the issues.

I’ve been with my work for 21 years. I was happy here but now I’m considering getting hired elsewhere. Usually takes about 4-6 months to get hired.

Sorry so long winded. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

So the powers to be know about the past history and still rehired him? And what more, in a section where you'll be in contact with him. IMO that's a freaking betrayal on their part and pure idiocy, for not seeing a potential powderkeg.

I'm sorry you're put in this situation. IMO, I'd move on...

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:09 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

I think I’d see ah The HR department head first.

Thank you guys. Yes. They know and didn’t have the foresight to call me to give me a heads up. That’s a serious issue in itself. They don’t care apparently. The AP is friends with the boss and I was highly regarded with the boss as well.

I dunno what gives with that.

Yes, as much as I’ve built my career here and good working relations with all my co workers. I have a feeling that I need to go. I’m already a little sorrowful in that aspect of leaving all my friends behind but maybe it’ll be what I need.

It’s not going to be easy at all. But I also feel like they won again. I just don’t get what the universe is doing here and why I have this shit show coming my way.

Man, I feel for you. I know that would be anxiety inducing as well for anyone of us BS to have to get that shoved in our face.

Quitting and getting a new job is like losing the battle. I feel you on that. But I'd say, it doesnt hurt like Marz said to go straight to HR, and tell them your story again. I'd have if you can, an attorney draft a letter you can bring. You want to put HR on notice. The fact that they let this happen all under their nose is piss poor management b/c most HR departments are scared to get into litigation on relational stuff.

If you can find a new gig, better pay, that might not be a bad idea. Thats your way to get back at the lot of them. I don't blame you, I don't think I would be comfortable in that situation either.

I hope you went after the Exww for trying to set you up as the father of the baby that didnt' belong to you. What a nasty bunch.

If you do leave (as much as I never advocate burning business bridges) I would make sure to publicly broadcast exactly what this guy did far and wide on your way out the door, and also the fact that the boss knew it and hired him anyways. Email the entire company, fliers, bulletin board messages, the works.

That is super shitty of your company and your boss to do that to you! What assholes.

Everyone here knows already about the A, the baby and the divorce, with the exception of new hires within the least two years. EXWW’s mom used to work here and everyone knows her. She since retired tho.

As for HR, I seriously doubt they have any involvement in who my boss hires. This is more within my department.

I’ve been trying to do meditation breathing. But I can’t help but be in a grumpy mood and generally just down. Both at home and at work.

Getting hired elsewhere is going to be a burden. The other department is about an hour away. It’s the same pay. I’ll lose all my seniority, 21 years. I’ll lose all my sick time and vacation time.

To make it more complicated, I’ve been working my ass off to take a 4 week cross country road trip this summer with my two daughters from a previous M. I’d been planning for 1 1/2 years, getting myself debt free and have paid for some of this trip already. I literally just bought a new vehicle as part of rebuilding my life and having a new start at a new life.

Top it off with this. I’ve been single for the last 3 years with the exception of one fling last year for a couple weeks. It’s been a struggle trusting and I wanted to sort thru all this before I could offer the best of myself to anyone else. I’ve finally got a date this Saturday and I’m hoping to be able to try and be at my best, instead of how I’m consumed by all this.

You know, fuck him.

I’m sure there are plenty of folks that work in your office that don’t even hit your radar on a daily basis, right?

He just became one of them.

Indifference, brother. Look at the power you are still giving him.

Fuck. That.

You go a out your business and do your job, take your trip with your daughters and don’t pay him a bit of attention. It’s going to take some practice. Unless you allow him to be, he’s no different than any other person at work that pay no attention to on a daily basis.

Be strong. Be brave. That fucker is in YOUR house. Don’t you dare let him run you off. You’re better than that.

Shields up.

ETA: if anything, maybe you can summon up some pity for him because he’s stuck with your ex.

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:56 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

I’m kinda with Nekorb. if transferring kept all your seniority, then maybe. But this is your house.

Keep the appointment with IC (and good for recognizing that will help). I wonder if after a short time you will not even notice them. They are so beneath you.

Keep breathing. Keep your eye on the prize —your sanity, your vacation, your retirement. Hit the gym to burn off some anxiety.

Yeah, it sucks. But you got this.

Normally broken, I’m competitive like what you wrote and take on challenges. The entire A challenged and taxed me to where I thought I couldn’t take anymore. I know that all of us on here have gone thru so much more than we’d ever know we could handle.

A part of me is just like you said. Fuck those POS’s and watch me be better than them. But a much bigger part of me has said I’ve had enough.

For me, I’m in a line of work that I can’t afford complacency or to be consumed with this taking up my mental space. Fumble f’ing my way thru this plus work isn’t a good way to get thru this on the daily with the constant reminders in my face. Where as before, it was all in my head. Now it’s physically present.

I appreciate everyone’s feedback. 😔

I saw something the other day that said something along the lines of: don’t make a permanent decision because you are temporarily upset.

Someday these people will mean nothing to you. You will be indifferent.

That said, if I’m this immediate time it’s going to delay or halt your healing, it’s a different matter. Def something to sort out with your IC.

I wouldn’t make any decisions just yet. Wait until you see if actually happens, and see if there is as much contact as you are envisioning.

Thank you barely. I do hit the gym for my own sanity. 6 days a week is my norm. It def helps get rid of that energy. Plus, as time goes on, I’ve met some pretty cool people there that I can BS with.

Broken, I’m of the same mindset. I won’t make any quick moves until this all goes down. I’m looking to have a plan b just in case.

I already felt indifferent towards her. Except with this new situation, I find myself internally having a sort of disdain towards her. I was feeling the best of healing until this came out.

I know this all needs to be discussed with the IC. Still waiting to hear back for an appointment.

So, an update. I went on the date. It went pretty well. I’ve been talking with her by text consistently.

As far as work goes. My administration doesn’t understand the conflict or issue with having AP rehired and working my section. My immediate boss understands and had to put it into perspective to the other administrators. And only then, did they kinda get it.

It’s already affected my healing. I’m pretty indifferent towards her. However, I’ve not made it there to him. I’ve made it pretty clear to my boss that this is already going to affect my socializing and integration at work with my 22 or so co workers. Im back to not trusting them and participating in convos with them. AP starts next Tuesday.

I feel like this will start affecting how I’m able to try connecting with potential new partners. I still haven’t been able to see my IC to help process this. I’m at a point of FML. Esp at work. Just when all was going well before.

You dont know what the future holds. Maybe the powers that be have something amazing in store for you with change. You've gotten comfortable where you are now, I define get that, but after 21 years, it's time for a change anyway.

What would be your dream job? Are you totally in love with where you live? If bot, move too. Make a clean break if you like.

Obviously your boss doeant give a shit. So FTN.

Good luck!

It sucks. It really does. And if you don’t deserve to have to live life looking at his ugly mug every day. It definitely shows that your ex doesn’t care cuz if she had an ounce of decency she’d urge him not to take the job.

So honestly, it’s not fair, but I would put in applications elsewhere. And if it can be in a town a bit always from these losers, even better. You did nothing wrong, but sometimes you just have to change things up for your own mental health.

See the IC, but start submitting applications this weekend for other places and see where it takes you. Maybe you’ll find a much better situation.

I have to admit that I’m vacillating between standing your ground and moving on to higher ground. Both have pros/cons that you and others have mentioned.

I would go with the route of talking it thru w your therapist. Don’t make any rash decisions. Try to figure out who is in your corner and inner circle of coworkers and focus on them and them only. How admins could have possibly thought this would not cause a rift and unnecessary drama in the work environment are either completely delusional, idiots, or have not had to eat from this shit sandwich buffet. All 3 maybe?

Do not let this guy get to you and jeopardize your years there. If you decide to leave do it on your own terms, with the utmost professionalism and moving on to something better.

Thank you guys!

I still can’t fathom how my admin, guys I’ve worked with many years ago and got along great with have no understanding how the rehire is an issue. My immediate boss had to explain it to them, in so many words.........so if I fucked your wife, got her pregnant, then we’d still be cool and work together. He left out the year and a half of emotional abuse part of it. Only then did they see slightly where I’m at a conflict.

I used to love it here at my work. There’s been quite a turnover and shortage these last few years. They don’t seem to care that I could possibly be one of them. I had been well liked here. Even getting employee of the year on two separate occasions.

My immediate plan is to talk to my IC, who I just found out had a death in the family. My issue pales in comparison.

I’m up writing this at1:30 am as I woke up in a night sweat after a dream of being contacted by exMIL.🙄

Really tho. Things were going so well in my life to this point. Now I’m at a point where it’s possible I might face write ups or disciplinary action since I told my immediate boss I will not be participating in our morning briefings, nor will I be downstairs at all. I will report directly to my floor and go to work from there. His answer was to change my work schedule to be 7-4 instead of 8-5 to accommodate me and avoid the write ups.

We all here know what a shit sandwich A’s are on BS’s. I don’t get why I have to keep having it shoved in my face??? I just want to be healed and move on in life.

I don't post much these days but I thought I'd add my two cents. After my DD, I left my job and city to get myself and our DD out of a very toxic environment. I have been at my 'new' job for a total of three years. I know I made the right decision to leave the environment but boy, do I still miss my old job! I had been there for ten years and knew it was a great position. My job is fine now, but I work 3x harder to make the same amount of money. And I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I used to come home and work out and I can't seem to find the energy to do that anymore. And yes, I applied for a different job, took it, and eventually (fortunately) was able to come back to my current job as it was better than what else was out there. What I'm trying to get at is that job satisfaction is a huge part of your overall happiness. If you've been happy and successful at your job for all these years, don't give it up for AP's sake. Find your inner competitive strength and hold your head high. This guy already took your wife from you, don't let him take your job too. (And your seniority, vacation time, commute,...) Don't give him that power. Of course, it's going to be tough at first adjusting to having him around but I really think that over time, you will not care as you do now. And your co-workers know the backstory. They may act buddy-buddy with him but he's tainted. Good people respect good people. He may end up being a good worker, but he'll always be a homewrecker in the eyes of good people.

At the very least, give yourself a timeframe to see if you can overcome your feelings of anxiety. Hopefully, you can find some strategies in IC that will help you cope. And find a 'fight song' or mantra or some comical visual that you can replay in your mind every time you're confronted with the loser.

Thank you desert!!!! I’m listening to you guys. It starts tomorrow. I’m still infinitely disappointed with my admin. But I’m going to give myself the timeline like you’ve suggested. I’ll do my best to get by. Thank you all who’ve posted. This fucking sucks to be in this.

How are you holding up, SNM?